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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 5 [FINALE] [Looking for new host! App inside!]
Member Since: 8/18/2013
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 18,655
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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The ratings slaughtering Season 4.
We could have another Season 3 on our hands!
EDIT: In the meantime, listen to the holy bop in my sig.
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Jack is in. Judging in a few! 
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Member Since: 5/6/2012
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YAAAAAASSS! 
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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That being almost an hour ago. Nait must be doing some really cute formatting. 
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Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 3,905
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Finally 
Let me listen to Mariah's singlegraphy while waiting 
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by PeopleLikeUs
Finally
Let me listen to Mariah's singlegraphy while waiting |
I've been perched. Let me follow your lead. I think we'll have results before I get to Rainbow (hopefully)
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Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 3,905
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
I've been perched. Let me follow your lead. I think we'll have results before I get to Rainbow (hopefully)
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Emotions just slayed me  Those high notes notes are 
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by PeopleLikeUs
Emotions just slayed me Those high notes notes are |
My 2nd favorite MC single, and the song that inspired my ATRL username (Someday didn't have any good usernames in the lyrics  )
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Click your name / song title to see your comments!
 PeopleLikeUs - Down in the Hole
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Great work! I enjoyed the fact it was a constant story from the first verse to the chorus to the second verse, nothing seemed to get lost in translation. There were a few weak parts in the verses which threw me off, but it was still good none-the-less.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I definitely get where you are going with it, and how it corelates to the challenge. In that sense, you succeeded. I liked it, but I wasn't blown away.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
I really enjoy reading your work. I like the strength you have in this song, how you dance to the beat of your own drum and go your own way. I have to admit, it's a bit 101; when telling a story like yours, it's best to embellish it a little. Make it sing. For me, it was very hard piecing together a known melody up until I got to your bridge; however, it was Britney's "Passenger" melody I was singing which I assume was somewhat of your intent. I don't mind you borrowing good song lines, but try not to later on in the competition.
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BadBitches - Someone Who Will Stay (Make Me Feel Okay)
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
These are too short and there wasn’t anything redeeming about them. They didn’t go anywhere and they could have been better for sure. Sorry, hope you stick around and do something better next week!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
Okay, so I'm sitting here reading your entry getting my soul slain, and then I realize YOU ONLY SUBMITTED PART OF THE SONG. I really want to see the full version of this, because I feel it has so much potential.
Other than not seeing the whole song, the only message as to how this will reflect you as a contestant is that...um...you're independent? You're an indie artist, I guess? I want to know more about how you write, and what type of message you want to send out with this song. It's such a shame I didn't get that with this entry. |
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
Reading through this whole thing, I find it hard to believe you could ever seem "shy and distant" or, on the other spectrum, "strong and independent". For someone who seems shy to all of a sudden burst out with a "Hell to the no" in the second line is hardly believable, while at the same time someone who says "take me in your arms [and] make me feel so safe" doesn't really sound like the independent type. You have to choose one archetype or you'll just appear to others as some "dual-personality"…
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Tymps. - House of Cartoons
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
I know you said these seemed dark, but I actually never really got that. It might be title and the fact the “cartoons” for me symbolise something light and somewhat happy, but I had a light vision reading these lyrics. I love the tagline and I love how image based this song is. I had a different painting in my head every line and it told it story throughout. Great work man!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I remember you telling me that you only seem to get your songs. Maybe I don't exactly get it, but here's my interpretation. I always associate cartoons with childhood innocence, and a sense of carelessness and joy. To me, it seems like these parts of you became twisted as you grew older, and had different experiences in your life change these fun cartoons into these twisted images. As this cartoons seem to be representative of yourself, it's like you yourself have become mangled over the years.
It might not be how you wanted it to be taken, but it's how I took it, and I really loved it for that. You definitely have a distinctive style that sets you apart from other contestants, and I hope you keep it and don't try to conform it for a couple judging points.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
This was great, but it was too explanatory. A theme like this, a song like this was begging to be cryptic and damaging, but it felt like half deep meaningful song, then half clearing up misunderstandings. Sometimes the misunderstandings leave for interesting thoughts; for example, I didn't need to know who "us" was. "Us" is always a different interpretation to different people, and how you portrayed could've been cleaner to a point where it didn't have to be explained, but it really didn't need explanation. "My mind's a cartoon" also. Make it even MORE poetic; lead us into believe that your mind is this zany, unrepressed zone that refuses to grow up or conform instead of ball-faced telling us.
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Scorpio King - Last One Standing
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
I enjoyed this! And your soundcloud track sounded great! I think the empowering message is great and the lyrics are relatable and sound pretty fun. I could see this with big production and I think it’d be great like that!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
A literal approach to this entry. I bet some thought that it would be too predictable, and decided to go with a metaphorical approach. Ironic that this is the first entry I've read that took the literal approach.
Also,  for being dedicated enough to send a soundcloud link, too. Just so you're aware that it's not required, but if you're comfortable with it, that's great!
I apologize for the shortness, but I can't find much as to fixing. |
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
You were focused all the way up to the bridge, then you went on a tangent. This has been a recurring issue that I'm seeing in not just you, but others, where you don't keep the same focus for too long before you throw in your own words just to have them there. What's really a disappointment is that you started off strong, but your chorus let you down because it was too 101. Don't give up after the first verse; carry that strength all the way through.
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Girlicious - Hello Jesus
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
These just felt awkward. I’m not religious, but you’re right it was certainly inappropriate. You don’t need to revert to religion or controversy to write great lyrics, that actually shows because some of your lyrics are great, but I hate the usage and I’m overall not a fan. Sorry.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
isdufjksdf not you having sex with a deity. At least...that's what I took from it. I just look at your avi, then your song, and I could definitely imagine Brooke Candy doing something similar. Whether or not that's good can be left up to you.
I'm going to assume this is fast-paced rap? Otherwise, this just looks a mess. I am not exactly sure what's the chorus, what the verses are, etc...
Also, given the theme for the challenge, are you trying to tell us that you are harboring some "interesting" sexual fantasies, and wish to express them through song? I will definitely say your song is a stand-out this week!
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
Normally I'd breakdown what needs to be fixed, what needs to change, and what needs improvement, but this can't be fixed, changed, or improved; it's perfect as it is… It's insanity, it's blasphemous, it's downright disturbing, but in its calamitous fashion it's not as bad as I thought. While I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, it doesn't appeal to the challenge and I get little sense of who you are as a bonafide songwriter or person… I know this is just a game, but take it with some kind of sensibility and seriousness since this is YOUR work we're reviewing…
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Prometheus. - Because Mom Said No
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
I like the rebellion feel of it, and there’s some great lyrics here. The chorus is short and sweet and I can see it being catchy. Relatable to the party animals. I think the verses are the weak points here, the pre-choruses and bridge are great along with the chorus, I wasn’t a fan of the verses though.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I need a talentless blonde girl drowned in autotune to sing this. I think you know me well enough to know talentless blonde girl drowned in autotune is one of my favorite genres! I can already hear the bubbly synths, the valley girl voice, the sassy attitude -- everything! I love it in that sense, but I'm not too sure what this means as a testiment to the type of contestant you'll be. Rebellious? I look forward to that.
[I read your description of the song, and we didn't exactly come to the same conclusion as to how it would sound. I, however, always found it interesting when other people told me how they envisioned my song sounding and it was different.]
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
The strongest parts of your songs were correct; the chorus and the first verse were EXACTLY what makes this song great, but the effort for those parts in the second verse and bridge were gone. You throw in certain lines that don't fit the feel of the song at all, and I just feel awkward reading it. But, aside from feeling [  ], this is actually amazing. Some of your rhyme scheme is clever and was a real pleasure reading, and your chorus (albeit 101) was fitting and perfect for the task at hand. So, never lose the effort in the middle of your song… |
FattMatt - Disorder
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
This is great! The lyrics are easy to digest while not being “basic”, you used simple to your advantage and there’s great imagery here. Regardless of whether you wrote it fast, I love this. This would definitely relate to a lot of being if it were released.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
Okay, just out of curiosity, where did all these people come from? You're, we're, he...like there is a whole crowd in the chorus. I don't know these people; I was never properly introduced to them. I'm just...I'm confused by what's going on. I get that the song is called Disorder, but it seems like the song is in more disorder than your world is. I'd like to see a more clear story.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
It's not a bad effort. There seems to be a lot of metaphors clouding what you're trying to convey; you have to let poeticism and realism work side-by-side so as to get a much cleaner result. I like it for what it is, but I'm really missing the sense of yourself in this song. What it sounds like, to be honest, is more of "an outpouring of all kinds of emotions leading to a final thought of giving up", which is cool but for another challenge, not this one.
By the way, is "he" "Him"? Just a thought, when referencing a "higher being", it's best to capitalize it. But that's just a grammar thing, it hardly takes away from the song.
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Sugar Rush - Free
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Great chorus, it flows well and I have this melody in my head singing it which is great. My main problem is the verses. There’s a stickiness to them and there’s a distinct lack of flow in them. Some of the connecting words don’t fit, it’s hard to translate by just reading the lyrics. But still great work, keep it up!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
Not that this is bad, but I just can not shake the feeling that I should be reading this like a poem, and not a song. (I know songs are poetry, but I am hoping you get what I am saying.) I get the feeling that this song is about coming out of the closet (which could be taken as making yourself vulnerable - judges usually react really well to that type of thing.) There's nothing particularly wrong about this, except I am reading this like a poem.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
I don't want to let on too much, but you are on my "one-to-watch" list.
I think really the only issue I had was that it was a little wordy. I have this same issue when it comes to writing; I wanna say everything I can, but I can't put it all in just one line or one verse. There were some times in your song when I wasn't able to catch a rhythm and had to basically rap a single line to catch up, so just remember that we are looking at this as a singable song. All in all, this is really good for a first challenge.
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Alesus - On the Mend
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
I actually really liked these. Your chorus is strong and you’re putting a strong message. There’s a few kinks in the verses I don’t like, I feel like it’s going off somewhere but you take it back and cut them off short. Don’t fear to have to longer verses, even if you have to sacrifice a pre-chorus or a line or two from your chorus. But great work, keep it up!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME, I AM BEGGING YOU. I was loving your song until I read 'cuz'. You're allowed to put accents on things, droppin' the g's off words and what not, but cuz just makes your song look lazy. Someone last season did this, too, and I really fought for them because I knew they had potential, and the lazy-looking writing was hiding that. If you take ANYTHING from this round, please don't submit songs in txt spk.
Now that the rant is over - I like the language used in the song. It paints vivid pictures in my mind in both a symbolic and literal sense (which I'm loving!) I get a sense that for this competition, you don't really want to make a statement like 'Watch out, heauxs; I'm going to outshine you all.', but this competition is more of a self-growth experience for you. I think that's a really noble way of looking at it. I myself joined for the same reason, so it's nice to see.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
I am a huge advocate for grammar, and "I don't need no" & "cuz" basically sent my warning flares high into the sky (where I can see through it the sun…). Overall, this was solid, but because of some cringeworthy lines, it prevents it from being great. I think this could've been, hands-down, a winner if there weren't so many clichéd lines and questionable images. I think if you just appreciate the song you have for what it is first, then decide whether you need to embellish it or not, you won't have to add weird lyrics and keep it 100% yourself.
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Lucky#17 - Break Out
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Nice lyrics. I just feel there’s something missing. I wanted more from the chorus, it’s like blowing up a balloon. The verse started and it was going great, more air was being pumped in and it keeps building through the end and then the end of the chorus was like letting the balloon go and it blowing away and all the air coming out of it. Hopefully you can work on making that climax keep up in your songs, you’ve got potential!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
At first, I was confused as to what this was. It seemed like Kelly Clarkson's latest innovative single, but then I actually took a second to think, and I realized that this is symbolic of your ambition in Platinum Hit - you're going to come out swinging! (Or...you will if you don't get axed by Nait this round...)
There are a few oddly-worded phrases in the song, such as 'and those were just how I was feeling', but with a little fix up this would be really nice!
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
I'm sorry, I don't have a judging. I really am a stickler for being on time, so… If you get this in on time next time, I'll definitely give you a proper judgment. I'll just say I did read it and I did like it a lot.  |
EatmeZayn - Dont Blink
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Yas! These are brilliant. I love the relatable lyrics and everything flows so well. The lyrics are good from start to finish, my only problem is the McDonalds line, but I’ll let it slide. These are great and the type of pop song I can see being a huge hit. I love the Vodka line, probably my favourite lyrics so far, well done!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
This reminds me of one of my entries from a previous season...pretty sure I ended up winning that round. I like the quirkiness to the song, though I honestly feel like this wouldn't age too well if it were to become a popular song. Dated doesn't necessarily mean bad, but I always feel like being stuck in a time period hurts the replay value.
"Hug, this has nothing to do with my lyrics" sorry. It's cute, but I was prepared to have my wig snatched.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
You're making it too difficult; using unnecessary words and phrases just to appear more fitted, but you don't need to. A simple thought can actually blossom on its own without over-flourishing it if you feel the thought is strong enough. Be a dreamer, be a young adult, be yourself, but don't try to push it or it won't come out as yourself…
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Saint BeyNavi - Warrior
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Well, first off, this is incredibly short. I know you’re given the option to not write a full song, but you always should. I like these lyrics though, lots of potential, you should have kept going!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
WHAT THE **** IS IT WITH ALL THE SONGS I WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT ENDING SO QUICK. I'm being serious, this was one of my favorites this round, but I just want to know where it goes.  So like, keep up the great work, but I just want to see where your vision is. |
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
Love the new name, BTW. It almost fits the message you have in this song, almost… I think what draws me out of this song is that there was really no known strength until the very last two lines, so really I'm not sure if that was your overall message or not. You have at least four, which is actually hard to believe seeing as you only have two verses and a chorus, but it's not a good idea to throw as many thoughts as you can into one singular potluck of a song because it will just end up confusing. So, find your message first, then write the song around it.
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EuphorianSea - Human Nature
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Nice imagery, really nice imagery. Everything flowed really well and it was great. My one problem is, and it’s something I was bad for at the beginning of last season - perhaps being too literal in your words and poetry can be off-putting. We’re judging songs and some poetry and language isn’t fit for a song. Just watch out for that, but great work so far!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
To me, this is coming off as trying a bit too hard to use imagery. That's not to say you shouldn't try - I just see a lot of images, but they aren't connecting. I also really like the words you used...but not how you implemented them. Furthermore, I don't see how this corelates to the challenge theme.
Final bit of advice, even though some might skip over reading the pre-chorus/chorus the second time, it still looks nice to have it there. (Sometimes it's even fun to have small changes in the pre-chorus/chorus)
One thing I will commend you on is your different approach to structure. It's not all formulaic 4/4, and you ended on the pre-chorus, rather than the chorus or repeating the first line at the end.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
…
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feelslikeadream - Intro:My Mouth
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
I don’t know how much I like these.  They’re not bad. There’s lots of good points, and whether or not you were imagining this sound, but I can imagine this song and lyrics being a great pop-rock song, but some of them left a sour taste in my mouth. (no pun intended) Like I said, some redeeming points, I love the pre-chorus and highlights of the verses, but I’m not a fan of the chorus at all. |
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Originally posted by Hugamari
Well damn we haven't even been on a date yet and you're introducing me to your mouth.  No, but I liked the consistent theme through the entry, and that you used a metaphor for singing not only for your 'voice to be heard', but to represent this competition. The cute little double entendre.  I also like your use of imagery. |
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
This reads like two different people took the helm of the verses and the chorus. While one felt more "in-your-face" and abrasive, the other felt "floaty" and descriptive. While both are okay, it's almost like I'm reading a different song halfway through. You have to keep the same mindset when writing your songs, otherwise it's not going to feel genuine. Also, some of the lines were very corny that I couldn't take them seriously, particularly "I am a sun not ready to set". Learn to work with them instead of copy-pasting them.
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GotSkill - Rebel Anthem
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
This isn’t bad, and the chorus is actually somewhat anthemic, or I can imagine it being anyway. There’s an awkwardness in the lyrics in the verses, some of them don’t go and some I just personally don’t like. I think you’ll improve though so hopefully you stick around.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
"Planting my seeds for free" siodfreif don't impregnate too many people now. I'm also not exactly sure how this would sound...I'm trying to find a melody, but it keeps coming out inconsistent. At best, I'm getting a touch of Avril Lavigne if she decided to just do hard rock.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
Dood, you TOTALLY should've used the full line and called this "My Crazy F***ed Up Living Wild Rebel Anthem"; total Fall Out Boy realness right there!
I'm not sure how to feel about this; on the plus side, I'm so glad you are bold and you have this really rebellious attitude that actually is likable, but on the not-so-plus side, the song was weirdly-worded and I actually can't get a bead on exactly who you are… When you make characters in songs, sometimes it's best to make them one-dimensional for the song in question so as to not "first date" them too quickly… I say, work on who this character is to you more, then embody them while writing your song, so as to get every bit of understanding and emotion out of them.
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Results coming up…
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Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 3,905
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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This was great, but it was too explanatory. A theme like this, a song like this was begging to be cryptic and damaging, but it felt like half deep meaningful song, then half clearing up misunderstandings. Sometimes the misunderstandings leave for interesting thoughts; for example, I didn't need to know who "us" was. "Us" is always a different interpretation to different people, and how you portrayed could've been cleaner to a point where it didn't have to be explained, but it really didn't need explanation. "My mind's a cartoon" also. Make it even MORE poetic; lead us into believe that your mind is this zany, unrepressed zone that refuses to grow up or conform instead of ball-faced telling us.
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@feelslikeadream 
No, but thanks so much, judges! These are very valuable comments and I'll definitely be taking them into account. For Nait, I originally didn't explain anything but I thought cryptic lyrics might not be as good for this type of competition.
EDIT: Oh at me getting a #1 and a #9. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 18,655
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Nait
Thank you though to all the judges
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
@feelslikeadream
No, but thanks so much, judges! These are very valuable comments and I'll definitely be taking them into account. For Nait, I originally didn't explain anything but I thought cryptic lyrics might not be as good for this type of competition. |
I thought the exact same thing  (And yes, I read comments for everybody.)
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Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 3,905
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Good comments for me  I expect you guys will be harsh on me
By the way, it's called 'Down In The Hole' not 'Hole in the Head' Hole In The Head is a Sugababes song
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 17,456
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Eek looks like mixed reviews. I love taking risks and I wanted to prove that from day one. All of my work is very dark and sexual, though I understand in the future of this game I will have to have some altercations to my song regarding on the topic. But thank you this was really good criticism.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I feel like I came off as mean in some parts.
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