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Discussion: ATRL Songwriter's Thread | Jacktrus gain dual #1
Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 2,059
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THE GALLOWS
Here's another song from my Rihanna album. I'm actually in the process of reworking a good deal of it because I wrote the song in one go a few weeks ago, but reading it now, it's quite cliche in some parts and pure trash in others  Let me know what you think!
 Description
The story of the song ties in greatly to the overarching theme of fame and its dark, twisted side. The meaning of the word ‘gallows’ is a grim one as it is a structure commonly used for hanging criminals in the past. So “being sent to the gallows’ is essentially a death sentence by hanging. The gallows featured two tall poles with a rope hanging down from a top beam. The victim was then killed by the removal of the floor boards they were standing on. So in “The Gallows”, Rihanna compares her seven year tenure with her former label to living at the gallows with the noose around her neck and the floor about to give out at any second. She talks about the noose being her lack of freedom, and how if she tried to fight or rebel, those in control would terminate her career or draw the floor out from beneath her. The song’s tone is quite dismal, but carries on an important message.
Lyrics
v1
I live my life by the second
Wondering whether each one’s my last
Keep telling myself I’m ready
To leave this world in the past
But I know it’s not true
With each quake, I shudder
Afraid that it could all end
So mortified of going under
c
Oh I’m here at the gallows
Fearing that impending drop
Thinking If I did all they want
That this would all stop
Oh, I’m crying out now
For someone to save me
Take me away from here
Anywhere but here
v2
I live my life by the second
Knowing it could all end soon
This cold rope is my last friend
And will also be my doo—oom!
c
Oh I’m here at the gallows
Fearing that impending drop
Thinking If I did all they want
That this would all stop
Oh, I’m crying out now
For someone to save me
Take me away from here
Anywhere but here
r
Oh I’m here at the gallows
And running of luck
How my life would be different
If someone gave a ****
But I’m all alone
In this lonely home
Is the end near
Will I die here
b
i’m standing here at the gallows
i’m standing here at the gallows (oo-oo-oooo)
i’m standing here at the gallows
i’m standing here at the gallows
so i’ll die, so i’ll die
will not live a lie
so i’ll die, so i’ll die
with my truth i’ll survive
if this is my end, then so be it
i’m alive, i’m alive (x2)
c
Oh I’m here at the gallows
Fearing that impending drop
Thinking If I did all they want
That this would all stop
Oh, I’m crying out now
For someone to save me
Take me away from here
Anywhere but here
r (x2)
Oh I’m here at the gallows
And running of luck
How my life would be different
If someone gave a ****
But I’m all alone
In this lonely home
The end is near
I will die here
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 12,615
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Quote:
Originally posted by KeshasFansRose
Because it's more of a poetry competition than anything else.
Whoever's in charge, just rebrand it as "Platinum Poetry"
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This isn't really true. The pop radio candy Mushy Gushy was a top 10 hit 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by KeshasFansRose
Because it's more of a poetry competition than anything else.
Whoever's in charge, just rebrand it as "Platinum Poetry"
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You are doomed as a writer if this is your mindset.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by KeshasFansRose
Because it's more of a poetry competition than anything else.
Whoever's in charge, just rebrand it as "Platinum Poetry"
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No one wants to join a poetry game, it its a lyric writing competition. I wouldn't want to judge or be part of a game about poetry, I'm a songwriter. You can tell the difference between poetry and lyrics, and we judge entries as song lyrics and not poetry. So neux
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Yeah, in regard to this conversation about the title of the game and what not, I'm going to have a FAQ in the OP this season, so people (hopefully) don't end up sending lyrics like "Work" and expect to fly to No. 1. We're looking for the best lyrics, and though having the lyrics being practical as a song is a factor, the lyrics are all that we're working with, and we can't fill in all of the dots as a song.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Yeah, in regard to this conversation about the title of the game and what not, I'm going to have a FAQ in the OP this season, so people (hopefully) don't end up sending lyrics like "Work" and expect to fly to No. 1. We're looking for the best lyrics, and though having the lyrics being practical as a song is a factor, the lyrics are all that we're working with, and we can't fill in all of the dots as a song.
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You are off to a great start as new host, if you ask me 
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 12,955
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Quote:
Originally posted by 8thPrince
PH is definitely about writing pop songs. (Structurally)
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Which is why I flop majority of the time.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
You are off to a great start as new host, if you ask me |
Why the sudden change of heart? 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 7,055
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Yeah, in regard to this conversation about the title of the game and what not, I'm going to have a FAQ in the OP this season, so people (hopefully) don't end up sending lyrics like "Work" and expect to fly to No. 1. We're looking for the best lyrics, and though having the lyrics being practical as a song is a factor, the lyrics are all that we're working with, and we can't fill in all of the dots as a song.
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Which is why I won't be joining anymore. 
I"m more of a catchy melody person. Which is hard for a judge to hear when they are reading my lyrics. I like care free pop songs. Wah wah wah wah lyrics like "Work" are my type of songs lol
I'm not really a William shakespeare poet
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
You are off to a great start as new host, if you ask me |
A Moment Like This...
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by ■YoungCalifornia■
Which is why I won't be joining anymore.
I"m more of a melody person. Which is hard for a judge to hear when they are reading lyrics. I like care free pop songs. Wah wah wah wah lyrics like Work are my type of songs lol
I'm not really a William shakespeare poet |
I would still encourage you to sign up. The challenges this season are going to be focused (in the beginning) on building skills and techniques as a songwriter before putting them to use in practical, industry based challenges. The experience this season will be different for the contestants, I truly believe that.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by ■YoungCalifornia■
Which is why I won't be joining anymore.
I"m more of a catchy melody person. Which is hard for a judge to hear when they are reading my lyrics. I like care free pop songs. Wah wah wah wah lyrics like "Work" are my type of songs lol
I'm not really a William shakespeare poet |
So join to give yourself a new challenge and try to change your songwriting perspective! It would positively impact how you write for yourself
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 7,055
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
I would still encourage you to sign up. The challenges this season are going to be focused (in the beginning) on building skills and techniques as a songwriter before putting them to use in practical, industry based challenges. The experience this season will be different for the contestants, I truly believe that.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
So join to give yourself a new challenge and try to change your songwriting perspective! It would positively impact how you write for yourself
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Alright! I'll give PH another shot, Thanks! 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Why the sudden change of heart? |
I've never said Clarkson is a bad host
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Trying to format a challenge post and it's becoming a hot ass mess  I quit, AMENHOOKER is the new host!
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 2,059
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Quote:
Originally posted by Alesus
THE GALLOWS
Here's another song from my Rihanna album. I'm actually in the process of reworking a good deal of it because I wrote the song in one go a few weeks ago, but reading it now, it's quite cliche in some parts and pure trash in others Let me know what you think!
Description
The story of the song ties in greatly to the overarching theme of fame and its dark, twisted side. The meaning of the word ‘gallows’ is a grim one as it is a structure commonly used for hanging criminals in the past. So “being sent to the gallows’ is essentially a death sentence by hanging. The gallows featured two tall poles with a rope hanging down from a top beam. The victim was then killed by the removal of the floor boards they were standing on. So in “The Gallows”, Rihanna compares her seven year tenure with her former label to living at the gallows with the noose around her neck and the floor about to give out at any second. She talks about the noose being her lack of freedom, and how if she tried to fight or rebel, those in control would terminate her career or draw the floor out from beneath her. The song’s tone is quite dismal, but carries on an important message.
Lyrics
v1
I live my life by the second
Wondering whether each one’s my last
Keep telling myself I’m ready
To leave this world in the past
But I know it’s not true
With each quake, I shudder
Afraid that it could all end
So mortified of going under
c
Oh I’m here at the gallows
Fearing that impending drop
Thinking If I did all they want
That this would all stop
Oh, I’m crying out now
For someone to save me
Take me away from here
Anywhere but here
v2
I live my life by the second
Knowing it could all end soon
This cold rope is my last friend
And will also be my doo—oom!
c
Oh I’m here at the gallows
Fearing that impending drop
Thinking If I did all they want
That this would all stop
Oh, I’m crying out now
For someone to save me
Take me away from here
Anywhere but here
r
Oh I’m here at the gallows
And running of luck
How my life would be different
If someone gave a ****
But I’m all alone
In this lonely home
Is the end near
Will I die here
b
i’m standing here at the gallows
i’m standing here at the gallows (oo-oo-oooo)
i’m standing here at the gallows
i’m standing here at the gallows
so i’ll die, so i’ll die
will not live a lie
so i’ll die, so i’ll die
with my truth i’ll survive
if this is my end, then so be it
i’m alive, i’m alive (x2)
c
Oh I’m here at the gallows
Fearing that impending drop
Thinking If I did all they want
That this would all stop
Oh, I’m crying out now
For someone to save me
Take me away from here
Anywhere but here
r (x2)
Oh I’m here at the gallows
And running of luck
How my life would be different
If someone gave a ****
But I’m all alone
In this lonely home
The end is near
I will die here
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any critiques?
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Trying to format a challenge post and it's becoming a hot ass mess I quit, AMENHOOKER is the new host! |
What's wrong with it?
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Alesus
any critiques? |
I think you're onto something with potential here! I do like the atmosphere that you set, it's quite good, and The Gallows itself is really drawing. I think your weakness is being overly blunt. Eg. "Is the end near, will I die here", while rhyming, is just not great. Like, imagine a love song where they line is just bluntly "I love you", it just doesn't add anything and is messy. I think with a little revision you could make this greater. Try to take the lines away from being so straightforward. Especially in a moody song like this, it will make it a lot better. Also the bridge is just pointless, you could write a better one I'm sure.
Post an updated version if you change it!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
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So mortified of going under
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So embarrassed of going under? Was this the right word choice?
"This" isn't referring to anything concrete. I get that it's supposed to be referencing the whole situation of being at the gallows, but from a literal standpoint, it's still ambiguous. Does that make sense?
The luck/**** rhyme was kinda corny.
Overall, I really like the topic/metaphor, but it's not developed that well. I feel like it just reiterated the same feelings/ideas so that it became redundant: the second verse doesn't add anything to the first, and the refrain didn't tell me anything I didn't already know or infer. The bridge added a little bit of a new idea or mood with some strength being found, but I felt like it could've been stronger (though I liked the first stanza for its hook). I think that this could tell more of a story - WHY is narrator there, WHO is executing her for example - instead of just saying "I'm at the gallows, I'm gonna die."
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
What's wrong with it?
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I was having problems with a table, but I got it to work (thank god). AMENHOOKER cancelled!
And slay at the double feedback!
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