ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Truffle Tribute
Swiftie13
Quote:
13. Truffle - For You
Lucky number thirteen! Okay, the opening verse was a recollection of every heartbreak song ever; it was almost quilt like in the organization like you patched it together. I almost want to delete it. However after the yellow brick road cliche mess, the song got better. I love the reiteration of the flower. There's something very deep and melancholy about "and I go back to pick up that flower for you." Repeating that in the third verse with the mirror was also a nice touch. I do think a lot of the language you used is uninspiring but it will improve during the season if you take the criticisms and fix the little things. Calm down with the cliches, and bring out more big guns like the flower line was this your first entry ever? If so, I hope up is the only way. I see potential in you. Oh, and work on your meter. It was scattered throughout.
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Jackson
Quote:
13. Truffle – For You
This was a bit too cliché for my liking. There wasn’t much emotion in this piece, and it felt as though all your experience with love had come from hearing stories from other people. It felt more like a poem than a song as well, as the meter was a bit messy in places. Some of the lines are just awkward (“And I think about it a minute or two” sounds so conversational among the other more poetic lines), and the whole thing is filled with clichés (shattered mirror, yellow break road).
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8thPrince
Quote:
Truffle - For You (Intro)
The last two stanzas are much stronger than the introduction, as they have solid metering and rhyme scheme. I'd work for that going into the future, rather than the murky form of the first stanza.
Additionally, I think it would benefit you to go simpler: I like the images of picking a flower or shard of glass, but you add so many words that pad out length and lessen the individual impact of the subject (The multiple "ands", "one of the broken shards" is overly wordy when simply stating "a shard" would do.). It also leads to some situations where you misuse words ("reminiscent" isn't the word you're looking for, "reminiscing" is.), or use double negatives (I won't forget, not a second"). Try keeping your word choice precise and non-redundant from now on.
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Temporal
Quote:
13. Truffle. - For You (Intro)
I was initially terrified that you were going to send in a rap entry and I'd be left without analytic tools, so for that reason I'm glad this was a song (lol)! ANYWAYS, I thought this was pretty nice! It flowed nicely (meter-wise), and the lyrics weren't overly superfluous and complicated, in that way this shined it its simplicity. I liked that you took cliches and added a new layer to them - my favorite line was the last one! The one overarching main issue was that this entry hopped around in terms of the subject: the first stanza was broad, the second stanza you're walking on a "yellow brick road" and then the last you're suddenly standing in front of a mirror? That made this entry feel stitched together conceptually as opposed to one that flowed plotwise. Overall I was impressed!
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Score: 6.58
RIP Legend! 
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