After painstaking surveys and interviews with the SM marketing team, I think I've got a pretty solid grasp on just who Jonghyun's End of a Day appeals to. Below I've included a Venn Diagram for your viewing convenience.
As you can see, there exists a greater population of K-Pop fans, with an obvious overlap of Shawols. Touching the population of Shawols are Jonghyun fans. The line between Shawols and Jonghyun fans is an imaginary aide to demonstrate tangents: all the points tangent to this line represent the target audience for End of the Day. But don't just take my word for it: Here I've translated some testimony from Stanese to their connotative English meanings.
Translation: Good God this is a boring ass song, are we sure this isn't meant to be inoffensive background music written to be slotted quietly underneath hamfisted dialogue?
Translation: Most K-Pop fans are sensible enough to know not to waste their time with 99% of ballads. I personally like ballads, but this isn't very interesting and it will only serve as white noise to help me sleep. But hey, at least Jonghyun wrote it. Artists of other agencies can make songs that are just as unremarkable as YG artists do!
Translation: I know we promised to always support SHINee but we can call a MOR ballad when we hear one. Even Shawols cbf to sit through this one. Sorry Jong!
However, this ballad is not without redeeming qualities: We can turn the above Venn Diagram about it into a snowman!
I'd like to think the intense displays of form, texture, and shape, the vibrancy of color, and intricate detail all reflect the time Jonghyun spent on this song, and captures its many attributes.
Auto-accompaniment: a function even the most low-end of keyboards have. This function essentially allows pianists to play alongside full-bands or to rhythmic passages by triggering keys on their keyboards, which would signal the device to start playing MIDI information alongside the pianist's own performance. I remember when I was four, my first, dirt-cheap keyboard had this basic function. With the tap of a button I could throw a chintzy-ass conga rhythm or hip-hop styled breakbeats over my inept key hammering.
But why does Trampoline sound no better than my screwing around on a MQ-3768 Casio as a drooling meatbag? The main riff and chorus is no more complicated than goddamn Hot Cross Buns. Anything that isn't that insipid up-and-down, five-note melody is just various auto-accompaniment fills arranged with the coherency and discretion of a toddler.
"OK, trigger generic guitar lick ultimately destined to be slotted in a commercial for cellphone service providers."
"We can really increase the appeal of this song by throwing trap percussion and gang vocals screaming "eh eh eh" and "AYYYYY" over the song every two beats, trigger the trendy hip-hop bullshit preset."
"Wow, we've got a real winner here. By making sure there's a little bit of everything here without committing to a single sound, surely we'll appeal to everyone, right?
I'll ignore some of the shade in its writeup, but YAY for Style. It really is one of her best singles, possibly ever and captures her... style perfectly, a great direction for the future Taylor.
I'd be down with Taylor doing this sound
and dddd I thought I was being nice, I'm cool with Taylor I just thought her songs were lacking in detail when she used to be a precise character-assassin in her Speak Now days. (And trap sucks so Max/Shellback should stop trying to push it on her.)
Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
The descriptions for the worst songs
@ Big Data, didn't know you liked them. That's a great song!
I haven't checked out any further Big Data songs yet but I will make sure to!
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I would say that "Business of Emotion" wasn't a hit (though it really should have been), but you think that I'm going to disparage that song when it's at the exact same spot for you as it is for me? Come on. That song is awesome.
Yeah it barely constitutes a hit, it charted Top 50 somewhere though! Cool, great minds think alike (Or fools seldom differ, but let's stay positive.) Thanks for following along with my countdown, Red! And even looking at some of the K-Pop write-ups, too, I really appreciate it.
Quote:
Originally posted by Bloomers
Trampoline I forgot about that torture.
Even the sound of their voices
Deserved
Edit: and Truffle Butter on the last page!
I wish I could forget about Trampoline, sorry for inflicting it on you!
---------
Maybe I can get #10 of the best lists up tonight, or maybe it'll happen tomorrow
Here's an awesome song that flopped to the pits of hell and no one got to hear because humanity sucks and should be ended. People loved bitching about how groups like TWICE and songs like You Think were flops this year...
But K-Pop fans have no idea what a flop is. A flop is defined as "a total failure". HERE'S what a goddamn flop is:
Even I've uploaded videos on Youtube that got double that amount of views, no exaggeration (Don't bother asking for links because it was a terribly mixed medley of songs that I can't even listen to anymore). Ttan Tta Dan was an absolute flop on all fronts. Not for lack of trying, the song is great, Hi-NRG stuff in the vein of Crayon Pop. This seemed to be a theme this year, that all my favorite groups switched sounds with each other.
I can only imagine: T-ARA stumbled into an AOA recording session, Crayon Pop showed up at T-ARA's studio, and then some nugus called ANDS talked Crayon Pop's producers into throwing them one of their songs. Profit for all! In the musical sense, of course. Ttan Tta Dan is still a flop, but damn if it isn't the most solid and most undeserving flop of the year.
Wiggle Wiggle And I think I can see T-ARA in Tahiti and this song in particular. Ttan Tta Dan
sounds cute and like something that could be a sleeper hit, a shame it flopped.
But there are some concepts which should never, ever be brought to fruition. Concepts so tasteless that your producer stops and says "nah, who would want to listen to THAT?"
Drake™ took the least interesting parts of D.R.A.M.'s Cha Cha and made muzak™. That's not a typo, Muzak™ is a genre. Or rather, it's closer to a brand: The music playing in retail markets? In the doctor's office? In the elevator? Over the phone while you're on hold? Yeah, the brand Muzak™ probably had a hand in getting that music to those places. Music snobs try to pin pop music as being soulless and completely commercial, but it's Muzak™ that perfectly encapsulates music that is simply product. I don't think I'm hurting anyone's feelings by saying that, because no self-respecting person stans for music as crappy as Muzak™.
It's appropriate that Canadian rapper R&B singer Drake™ would associate himself with the product that is Muzak™, seeing as he is the closest thing we have to 1984's Versificator in real life. His popularity as a rapper heavily relies on him making up the stupid meme of the month every year ("Started from the bottom now we YOLO YOLO 0 to 100 real quick YOLO YOLO"), Hotline Bling is no exception. The tedium of Muzak™ plus Drake™'s viral shtick easily makes for one of the blandest songs of the year. Oh, and don't get me started on the music video or Drake™'s dancing: because I've never seen it. I'm not going to give him the attention he desperately wants. I included the music video above just so you know that I didn't make this stuff up and that Muzak™ is a style a major artist seriously attempted to do. You aren't supposed to actually watch it. Disable your Flash and pretend like this song never existed, just like you do with all songs that are meant to be played over your local grocery's PA system.
8. Little Big Town - Girl Crush
Generally songs about lesbian/bi-curious experimentation are obnoxious and insipid. When I first heard that this was drumming up controversy on the country scene for its "deviant" themes, I prepared myself for some sort of sexy, trashy upbeat tune. Why did I get this sleepy, parent-child-dance-segment-at-the-school-program-but-we-still-have-to-leave-room-for-Jesus waltz? Surely the music isn't inciting anything more than ennui, so I looked at the lyrics: Oh boy. Then I understood where the outcry was coming from. On one hand, I love how the songwriters knew exactly what would get their conservative country audience's panties in a knot. On the other hand, how each line reeks of being written-by-committee and is punctuated by a silent "tee-hee, no homo!" makes me gag. Their coyness over not understanding how this song would invite controversy when the song was clearly written for the sole purpose of courting controversy is an eye-roll inducer. Of course country music would get an aneurysm from a song as chaste and ball-less as Girl Crush: good thing Little Big Town trashed their original draft of Spitroast Jesus and Gangbang Him Through His Stigmata, their audience may very well have died.
7. Sam Smith - Lay Me Down
In a Rolling Stone interview, Sam Smith expressed the importance of Lay Me Down's music video. Something along the lines of it being the first music video to show a gay marriage being held in a church. "Why are a man and a man not allowed to get married in this room?" Smith ponders. "Because it's the most natural thing." Natural, indeed. The video begins with Sam Smith with a plaintive look, deep in contemplation while staring at a casket. I wonder just what natural occurrences Smith's character is meditating on in this scene? How natural it is that God decided it was time for his husband's life to end so soon after they were married? How natural it is that the people of the organization validating their marriage would likely cheer for this development, or at least justify it as being God's will? How natural it is that Smith was born with Elmer Fudd's proportions, and a voice to match? How natural it is that he's making music so de-sensitized and devoid of true passion that it's essentially secular theistic music? "God is good", Sam Smith calmly accepts at his much-too-young husband's casket. How dandy.
6. Matt and Kim - Get It
This is one of those lazy live-concert music videos, meaning I'm not going to get much material from it, oh well. Let's talk about Matt and Kim's music, then: They suck. Badly. But none of their songs are as bad as Get It. There's a point in this song where they sing "we all sing along, but the notes are wrong." Let's talk about the notes to this song, specifically. If you think that the prospect of composing a serious song completely in Mario Paint Composer is a good idea, then you'll love this. How precious this Matt and Kim song is! You can practically envision just where they placed the little piggy faces, the cute hearts and adorable Yoshi emojis in their arrangement. But what is this a the 2 minute mark? A shithouse hip-hop beat? Just what this song needed! This composition is something worthy of being printed out and attached to the refrigerator door, right next to your six-year-old's other masterful interpretations of the sun with a smiley face.
5. T-Wayne - Nasty Freestyle
In 2015, it was obvious that Vine became the tastemaker of modern music. That's not totally unexpected: with an audience as impatient and in need of instant gratification as millennials, it's easy to see why Vine became the barometer of trends. Easily digested, six-second videos specifically curated and brought to you for consumption would be very appealing if you're part of this audience. You know who else is impatient and needs instant gratification? Toddlers. You know what kind of music toddlers like? Wiggles-sounding mess and nursery rhymes composed primarily in pentatonic scales, because they're too stupid to process any interval smaller than a whole step. You know what scale Nasty Freestyle is poorly sung (The song is barely rapped.) in? The pentatonic scale, and its opening line heavily borrows from the intervals in the children's song Turkey in the Straw. Of course millennials would like this, I'm sure if you plopped your infant down in front a T-Wayne music video, they'd get their jollies too. "My boys will pull up on you, I ain't talking about diapers". Cheeky bastard, even Silento* knows who this song is really for.For those of us who are old enough to wipe our own asses, we can call the world's most oddly twee rap song out for the piece of trash it is.
*Subconsciously wrote this in my original draft but I'm not even bothering to remove it, I think it's kind of funny.
Lameness is defined as an asymmetry in the momentum or the song's way as going. There are several causes of lameness, and it can involve the melody, the groove, or any of the backing. It can be a structural problem, or an arrangement problem. When starting a lameness exam, you should first start with the history. Was the lameness a chronic lameness that has been going on for some time, or was it a very acute lameness?
When you're starting with your lameness exam, I think it's best to stand back away from the song, and keep backing up. Keeping backing up. Run away and never play the song again. With how fucked up its leg is, it's not like it'll be able to catch up to you. With any luck, its own sickness will cause its body to atrophy, slowly starving in a pool of its own bile. To ignore a lame song is an act of mercy.
3. Nicki Minaj ft Beyoncé - Feeling Myself
When I set out on making a Worst of 2015 list, I just knew I was going to plop 7/11 right at the top of it. To my dismay, that didn't qualify for this list by charting a bit too early in 2014 to be eligible. Just know that 7/11 was an earsore of the song and it's as suffocating as Beyoncé herself. Luckily, Nicki delivered this equally as stinky turd in its stead. There's nothing worse than [TIDAL is a global streaming service, available in 46 countries. We have 40 million songs in our catalog, and nearly 90,000 high quality videos. The service offers high-fidelity CD sound quality, high quality video, expertly curated content and editorial, and unique experiences.]a limp-wristed, slow-paced hip-hop song. There's also nothing worse than Christmas music. So Nicki, always at the cutting edge, decides to [TIDAL is dedicated to creating a more just revenue sharing model for artists, we stand for full transparency in our industry, and we challenge all the music streaming services to do the same. Our artist-owners developed our model so that TIDAL pays the highest percentage of royalties to artists, songwriters and producers of any music streaming service.]combine the two in Feeling Myself. I'm not joking. the song literally turns into a Christmas song at the 2:13 mark, with sleigh bells and Santa puns for an entire bridge. If the song wasn't already kid-friendly enough, the producer [And importantly, we don’t have a free tier and we don't hide any of the revenue that free services make from advertisers buying ads on their services. Whether you are just starting out, are an artist who is in the midst of building their career, or are an established artist, TIDAL is committed to giving you full support in your endeavors and creating new ways for you to connect with fans to build a music career that is exciting and unique, but also sustainable.]throws a goddamn slide-whistle sample over all of it to attract any fans of the Andy Griffith Show, good thinking, folks! Beyoncé attempts to rap, and she's just as adept at that as her singing is subtle. Look, I wish I could come up with [TIDAL gives its members access to exclusive music, videos, tickets, merchandise and experiences that you can’t find anywhere else. TIDAL has a world class editorial team regularly delivering articles and interviews across all genres that deliver intimate and revealing looks into your favorite artists, as well as artists you may end up reading about for the very first time.]some witty observations about the music video, but I haven't seen it because of it being a Tidal exclusive. No one has seen it. I'm not about to pay to do a review. If anything, I'm assu[TIDAL’s reliance on FLAC is a significant differentiator between this service and other services, but there is much more to TIDAL than just far better audio quality. We are delivering exclusive content and experiences that no other service is currently able to deliver. With a TIDAL subscription you get exclusive singles, albums and videos, access to tickets that others can’t get and experiences that are developed exclusively for TIDAL members.]ming the video's quarantine to Tidal is an attempt to insulate the general populace from having to hear this song. So yes, thank you, Jay-Z, for upholding stan[TIDAL doesn’t have all of the answers but]dards in music. Now, for this song's biggest problem. My biggest beef with this song is[This review is a TIDAL exclusive. Subscribe today to read the rest of it! To start a subscription, head to TIDAL.com and click Try Now from the Menu to begin the registration process. If you have a voucher, please go to Menu, and select redeem voucher. In case you had a TIDAL subscription before, and would like to start up again, log in with your previous user name. If you forgot your password, you can retrieve it at TIDAL.com]
2. Don Arbor & Barbara Higbie - County D
At first, I thought Don Arbor might be the most generous singer in the world. I was wondering when Barbara Higbie would show up on this track, but she never did. Only by watching the video did I realize that she provides piano accompaniment, and yet she still got lead billing. What the hell? Not even The Wrecking Crew demanded that kind of treatment. This prompted me to do a bit of research into the song's production
Don's new single with Barbara Higbie, "County D," is the lyrical, moving story of leaving things behind, finding something new, celebrating both the memories and the present. Barbara, a Grammy-nominated pianist/violinist, composed and performed the music on her beautiful new CD, "Scenes from Life", in honor of her husband's home along a country road called County D. Don was inspired by the beautiful melody to write the words and contribute the soaring vocals.
Ahhh, I see. The song was originally a piano-only piece, and Arbor threw vocals on top of it. Sounds like it, too. The song is overly-sweepy, with the texture and taste of milk, just like most piano compositions tend to be. Generally these types of songs are confined to being performed at recitals, and the rest of the world is spared from feigning to marvel "Wow, isn't it great how fast little Johnny's fingers move over the keys? What are we having for dinner." Even the video editor thought this song was dreadful, with him layering skiing sounds over the song at the 1:20 mark to add some sort of contrast to this song. Maybe he though "gee, skiing is fun. Maybe people will think this song is fun if we add some skiing visuals and audio over it. I hate my job." Somehow this song garnered enough airplay to get on this list. How it did so, I don't know. I mean, look at the views:
On an official VEVO page. For a video posted in 2014. That's clocking an average of 18 views per month, or .59 views every day. If a VEVO add plays before you play this, they're running a net negative in advertising revenue. Call up their sponsors, because they should be paying you. Hell, I should be getting paid, because this entry on my personal worst list is going to generate more traffic in a shorter span of time than this video has ever gotten. Even the sole commentator who wrote "nice song!" on this video probably only listened to it once and subsequently forgot it, moving on with his life, while I watched it multiple times to get material for this post. I hate my life.
And now, for the number one worst hit song of 2015. A lot of possible contenders for this position, but there was one song where, before I even thought of doing a proper list of this stuff, I knew it would be one of the worst things to come out of the year. The biggest loser this year is...
1. Kaya Stewart - In Love With a Boy
"I'm ready."
Oh boy.
Imagine:
You're a thirteen-year-old girl. Not any thirteen-year-old girl, however: you're the daughter of a world-famous musician. Well, he was world-famous. He's not as renowned as he was before, enough so that no one at school gives you a hard time. You never fail to mention that he had several chart-toppers, however. Whenever you bring it up, though, your classmates simply furrow their brows and ask "who?" each time. Sigh. Simpletons. You just know you're destined for musical greatness. It runs in the family. All around your home, music can always be heard. You're set on making a career in the industry, but you aren't set on what kind of music you'll be doing, exactly.
Don't be mistaken, that doesn't mean you don't ever talk about these nebulous dreams. Quite the contrary, anytime you get a chance, you make sure people know that you're going to be quite the big deal when you grow up. On the mandatory introductions of the first day of class, you presented yourself as "The girl who's going to have hit after hit ten years from now: and I'm happy to give out autographs!" When everyone in your class was required to research a profession and present it to the class, you obviously chose the singing career. Whenever you have the spare time, you can be spotted in the school's music room, tapping out aimless compositions on the piano, or rehearsing various scales in the practice room.
Your musical obsession singles you out from your classmates, and they naturally give you a lot of shit for your tendency to boast about your musical prowess.
"Hey [insert your name here]" one unpleasant fuckwad lodges a pencil at your forehead. "You must be deaf like Mozart if you think your crappy songs sound any good." The unpleasant fuckwad's friends erupt in laughter. You scoff.
"Those shitheads" you think to yourself. "Beethoven was the deaf one, not Mozart". You don't take it too personally, though. You know you'll prove them wrong one day, when you're releasing successful songs while they're struggling with heroin addiction.
Who needs friends, anyways. Your dad is very supportive of your musical endeavors, and has always encouraged your aspirations, despite him knowing that you aren't all that talented. He still doesn't want to crush your dreams, though.
On the other hand, maybe it would serve him good to tell you to focus a bit more on your studies. The situation is all too common: You daydream about scenes of glamour and riches all day in class, and miss out on the material. It's not an unusual occurrence for you to miss out on assignment deadlines and studying, shirking them for scribbling down fragments of songs and melody on whatever you can get your hands on.
Today is another case of that: a math test over quadratic equations, or something. The look of shock on your face when the teacher announces the start of the test and distributes the materials is easily read. People around you snicker. "Good luck, superstar" the unpleasant meatbag next to you snidely remarks.
You're apprehensive, and for good reason: Once you get the test, you realize you understand literally nothing on it. You sigh. Yet another test that you're going to completely bomb.
Not passing up the hour-and-thirty-minute opportunity you've just been allotted, you do what you do best: you flip your test over and begin brainstorming song ideas.
"Hmmmm." You ponder hard. Write what you know, is what dad always said.
"It's just the way he moves
And boy do I approve
He's got that attitude
That I dig"
Wow. You've really got something here. The natural manner in which these lyrics roll off the tongue deeply resonate with you. Quickly scribbling down anything you can think of, you fill the blank space with ink.
"Maybe he don't like the clothes I wear
Maybe he don't like my hair
But I know that I'm better than good for him
Maybe he don't like my curvy ways
Or all the tricky games I play
But I know that I'm better than good for him"
Pure gold. By the time you've distilled this genius, the test is over. You've clearly earned a gigantic zero, but wait until your dad gets a look at this. This is the artistic direction you've been looking for all along.
At home, you proudly present the backside to your failure of a math exam to your father, chest puffed out and a smile ear to ear. You're so excited that you barely register your father's quick grimaces as he scans over your lyrics.
"This has... potential," he cautiously begins. You shriek with joy.
"Oh, thank you daddy! This is the direction I really want to go in as an artist... this is my big break! And I want you to help me with it!" You tackle him in a bear hug.
Your father is too flattered by the prospect of working with his own child to talk you down.
That very weekend, you're with your father in his home studio.
"OK, so I was thinking for this song, we need a cool intro... how about a shrrrrrrrrrrrrrNNNNNG sound?" you question.
"Sure thing, sweetie," he responds, dropping a wind chime sample that came straight out of the box into the project file.
"And next is the beat, right? I'm thinking something like boom-ba-CLAP. Boom CLAP would be cool."
"Of course." Your dad plops a thudding, barely functional beat into the sequencers.
"And I want this song to sound futuristic.... Hmm some complex sounds or something experimental" you muse.
Your dad by now realizes you don't have nearly as much vision as you think you do, and is regretting that he didn't try to reel you in from outer space earlier. Silently he programs some gated synths and arpeggiates basic synth tones to fill up the rest of the track.
As time in the studio ticks on, you request everything any the kitchen sink goes into the track, even convincing your dad to borrow a session gospel singer to multitrack several times in a bid for building atmosphere.
The song is done, and you're in love with it. Your dad may be wishing that he aborted both you and the song by now, but he doesn't say anything outwardly.
But that isn't the end of it. While most father/child projects involve building a treehouse or something simple like a toybox, you want to go big.
"Daddy," you approach your father a few days later. "I want even more."
He's shocked, and rises from his seat with a start.
"More? What more could you possible want, we made you your very own song, isn't that enough?"
"No..." you glance at your feet. "I want to be a superstar."
If your father wasn't regretting squashing your dreams earlier, he really is now. But he's taken you too far already.
Your father has connections over the industry, far and wide. He calls in favors from promoters and radio DJs all across the nation, and gets your debut single to be the most immediately added one in programming history. He rubs elbows with all the major music publications, getting them to call your Frankenstein creation "experimental" an "avant-garde", codewords meaning shit. He even secures a music video for you, which you spend the majority of bouncing on a trampoline in front of a black tarp.
And you know what? Even being related to one of the most prolific artists ever, with him pulling all the strings behind the scenes to set you up for success, your single still bombs, and doesn't even chart on the Billboard Hot 100. Why? Because the material wasn't ready. Its writers weren't ready. You weren't ready. At the end of the day, despite everything going in your favor, your song sucked so badly that industry politics couldn't save it from being stillborn. Don't feel too bad, however: all sorts of kids suffer from their parents not being able to tell them they suck at something they love doing. If it helps, realize that you lived the plot of Hannah Montana in real life: except for the fact that you had no cool alter-ego. You were the ordinary, unspectacular alter ego. And even Hannah Montana's alter-ego would go on to become interesting. The same isn't certain for you. Sleep tight, kiddo, but don't dream too big.
ddd I don't know most of those songs and I'm debating on listening! The write ups though lord Let me peep when I have a little more time, though the Feeling Myself drag
Lay Me Down + Feeling Myself
Hotline Bling is super overrated but meh, there's much worse that was released in 2015.
Nasty Freestyle Girl Crush Both are bad and deservedly earned their spots.
Haven't heard the rest on the list, but I guess that's a good thing.
Gonna finish up my Kpop best of with full descriptions, and then I'll just list the songs for the rest. Should've planned this out better, but I'll link to the full versions of the list in my blog in the op!
Tahiti is best described as a poor man's T-ARA. Dabbling extensively with electropop, they consistently put outgood songsevery year. Skip continues their streak of good singles, this time blending ska music with one of my favorite electronic subgenres, electro-swing (The most prevalent of electro-swing songs being We No Speak Americano). What the song lacks in a strong melody, it makes up for with a groove that's tighter than a rhinoceros's penis in a pocket pussy. It's pretty refreshing to hear a saxophone play something a bit more extensive than a two-measure riff and with a bit more grit in its character. Also, the dance to this is really cool and T-ARA lite: some adorable shuffle stepping that's pretty fun to watch.
Wiggle Wiggle simply shouldn't work on paper. A DJ Mustard soundalike? Produced by the admittedly spotty Bravesound? But work it does. Bravesound kept it simple as hell for Wiggle Wiggle, and it paid off in spades: DJ Mustard's signature of bouncy, syncopated bass beats are actually decent in my opinion, it's only when the higher frequency stuff and gangchants get thrown does it get stupid. Wiggle Wiggle avoids that by keeping the mix fairly level and smooth, letting the bass do all the bumping and grinding. The result is great, almost like your ears are getting aural massages from a "Happy Ending" parlor.
Of course, there is that infamous part where the war drums come out and one of the members starts screaming like a banshee; I think that part is hilarious and enjoy the fact that it spread so much annoyance among K-Pop fans. It's a necessary part, anyways, without it the song doesn't have the same dynamic contrast.
I would like to mention now that Wiggle Wiggle and the remaining seven K-Pop songs switched places like nobody's business. I could've easily made a case for any one of them being my number one pick for the year. That's just how good I think these last songs are!