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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Temporal's Batch One and Two Reviews
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1. swiftie13 - A Sunflower’s Dance
Wow @ you stealing my totally original quote formatting. In general I love the concept and the tone, you struck a really nice balance between imagery and emotion, which is always appreciated. However, the meter combined with the rhyme scheme made the song really choppy. The second stanza is a good example of what you should’ve gone for in terms of flow, while the third is an example of what you shouldn’t have done (though I loved the vocabulary there). On to the more specific stuff:
- “Upon where” made my skin crawl a biT, “which” would’ve been a better choice.
- “A humble home with a warmth / To shelter all her children” the second “a” seems a bit unnecessary. Unsure how I feel about it tbh.
- “Despite the neighbor’s complaints” was clunky and nonlyrical.
- Stanza 5 and the “Petal by Petal…” >>>
Overall, nice job!
2. SaintWest - Bulletproof
You spelled your title “BULLTEPROOF” in the PM sahfjs  Proofreading is essential kids! Anyways, your flow and rhyme scheme were good, which puts you in a good place for the round, but the concept - or at least the way you delivered it - was a bit shallow. The rhymes were also a bit predictable ("Shield/Heal" and "Pain/Veins").
- “But pain is never broken” was a weird line to say at the least. It seems a bit redundant since pain can’t be broken? I just don’t get what you were going for here.
- “I try not to let them keep me down / But I love their words more than I love myself” Again, I’m confused: this makes it seem like the words are negative, but you love them? I can see that you may have been going for a poetic paradox here, but it doesn’t make sense.
- “Oh look, I lied again” was clunky and too colloquial.
This was decent/good, hoping to see some more improvement in the coming weeks!
3. Jackson - Welcome to My World
Writing a song about drugs when you haven’t done the drugs? Would you critic an English paper if you didn’t speak English? No, really, though, this song is so you, lol. I can hear you singing it already. I think the biggest problem overall was that the vocabulary was actually a bit too much here: “pervade,” “photophobic” and “unfurled” being the most egregious examples. Also, a good bit of this was too vague for me to get every section, and the imagery was just a bit on the heavy side.
- “The woods we smoked to drown the sound” Euphemism for weed? If you were to smoke weed, you'd know that weed does the exact opposite of drowning out sound  I know this could be metaphorical sound tho b4 u get ur knickers in a twist
- You kept using the 1st person plural and I had no idea who that subject was supposed to be. The only person you directly mentioned other than yourself was your mother, but I assume that wasn’t who you were referring too (significant other?).
- 2nd stanza and the last couplet of the second to last stanza were slays
- "Familiar outlines synchronize" a great example of the language being sophisticated but not over the top
Overall this was solid, not that I expected any less.
4. Tylerbv - Back Above
I really hope you didn’t write this just because PH is so imagery heavy, mostly because I quite liked this  I really liked the flow here, though I didn’t really grasp the subject matter.
- “Shattered heart, heavy head / Led me to the ocean” I get that you were strapped for words, but I REALLY wanted a “my” and “and” in that first line.
- “All alone, left for dead / Drowning, bound and broken” This was so metrically tight, bless.
- “All singing me their song” who is the “all”? The caverns?
- “Not alone, seaside friends / Drowning, bright and hoping” This was pretty weak and choppy on its own, not even comparing it to its sister lyric.
I stan for this new Tyler tbh!
5. Kunst - Wonder Years
The standard for Batch 1 this season is p high, wow. I liked this too. You have the basics down, which is nice because we can move on to the bigger stuff. I think the concept was cute, could’ve used some more originality in the concept, but I don’t think it was bad. That being said, you had a number of cliché lyrics, which really hurt the song.
- “We were putting pills in our tongues” ON not “in” nnnnn. Idk if English is your first language, but this implies you’re ripping open your tongue and putting pills inside of it.
- “we had fast hearts and big lungs / burning up our stupid prayers” This lyric was just weird. I know what you were trying to do with “burning”, but it didn’t work here.
- “We were in hell but it was bliss” cliche.
- “all the arrows we followed / chasing better tomorrows / drunk on vodka and laughter” cliche.
- “storms looking for skies for our thunder” the double preposition here with “for” hurt me, otherwise this lyric might’ve slayed.
- The cigarettes image was also kinda cliche for a song about being a teenager.
Overall I think you have a good bit of potential, the challenge will just be to harness it.
6. Moonchild - Candyman
“I'm craving something hard” vsejgkr I face palmed irl  You have a knack for coming up with a concept and then making sure every lyric works toward it. That’s something Citrus was very gifted at as well :eyes: Big problem here was that your song kept toeing the line between playful and salacious, and when it crossed over to the latter it got a bit awkward. But, there were a lot of clever lyrics here that shouldn’t go unappreciated. I also really liked that you wrote a full song with verse/chorus structure which other people didn’t seem capable of doing.
- “my jawbreaker ass” too direct.
- “I love licking on his gumballs” too direct (again).
- Didn’t get what “cotton candy kisses” was supposed to mean, or “I'm in between them legs / Like the 3 Musketeers”
- “Mr. Owl ain't **** 'cause / I can suck for years” this was pretty great.
- “I'm going down on Candyman / Earning that 100 Grand” great play here too.
Solid work as always.
7. Glassmouth - Get Into
Is English your first language? A lot of the lyrics here didn’t make literal or metaphorical sense. The emotion was here as an undercurrent, but improper wording really held this entry back. Also, you need a rhyme scheme, or at least more rhymes, 100%.
- “nothing can hurt as loss” Not sure what this lyric was supposed to be. “As much as”, maybe?
- “you were the best / but I treated you like still life paintings” Not sure what this was supposed to mean either.
- “bloodflow running” was a bit unusual as well.
- “I didn't put all that I could give” “put” isn’t the word you needed.
- “you gave the one left” one what?
- “but I was not scared so” a contraction with “was not” (IE “wasn’t”) would flow better.
- “get into aches I never felt” This is also didn’t make sense.
You have a knack for emotional writing, but we really have to work on making sure that literally comes across.
8. DevonDreams - Untitled
RIP.
9. Uneek - You Don’t Wanna Save Me
I am CRYING at you legit copying Selena’s “Good for You” VERBATIM in the third stanza: “I just want to look good for you,”  Obviously it’s not like a direct plagiarism since that line is kinda common I suppose, but just be careful in the future. As a whole, this was too jumpy. Each stanza didn’t really flow into the next; the whole piece felt stitched together.
- “You lift yourself high, and now you're on the ceiling. You leave me here, questioning what” Really weird to have your location be undisclosed, mention someone else’s, and then come back to your still undisclosed location. That was just a bit off.
On the lyrical whole this was a bit too shallow and a little bland (IE “You smile at me and then you stroke my thigh / I know I shouldn't love you, but baby you're mine”). The meter was there, rhyme scheme was okay, besides the questionable “you/too/you/too”, but you need to kick up your ideas and imagery up a notch.
10. Musiclife11 - Untitled
Overall this was too choppy. The stanzas all feel separated and there isn’t a clear flow. You should aim for telling a clear story in the future because you didn’t achieve that with this. I don’t get how your significant other actually improved your life, you’re essentially repeating “wow life is v good now, thanks bae” a few times.
- “the world is so clearer now” Nope. More clear, clearer or so clear.
- “To release and let grow” Let grow? Non capisco.
For the next challenge, aim to write a song with verse/chorus structure, and to tell a clear story.
11. PhreshDiamond - Apologies to Those Competing
Well, this entry was quite sassy.
- “Hetero heels clack on the pavement” automatic 0 since heels are always gay
- “Gassing about all my achievements” who tf “gasses” about their achievements? You ain’t slick with the Weezing reference either!
- “Back to the main event I’m leading, apologies to those competing.” wait this was low key a good couplet
Thanks for the kiis!
12. Beatinglikeadrum - Always With Me
This issue is just unavoidable: the entire piece had no flow. Each line felt like it was thrown in with the others; there wasn’t a clear story here, and it made the whole piece feel disconnected. The 2nd verse was okay in this regard, but the 1st REALLY highlighted this issue.
- The 1st verse had a weird rhyme scheme that exacerbated the aforementioned issue.
- Chorus was really weird. I think the 2nd line would’ve served better as the 1st since it feels more hook-y
- “You can call me liar, I'll take this all, ” I think “it” would be better than “this”
You had some good lines here, but you’re writing a song, not a bunch of scraps!
13. Pecinta Mariah
A sassy entry like this could work in theory - "write rare words like Mariah's 'elusive'" was funny - but overall a majority of the couplets fell flat ("arrange your lyrics with words / like a map, you won't get lost", for example).
- “dem chicken is ash” This needs to be either “dat chicken” or “dem chickens” pls
That's it, child, I'm out
14. conatus - In the Night
This was cute, but definitely too short. I know you were limited to a few words with this challenge but like, the substance here would really only cover a verse and pre-chorus in most entries.
- “unfurled like a sail, you're letting me in” these two clauses don’t really work together
- “a king in my eyes, my heart is your throne” YAS
- “two exploding stars, and debris we left” THE debris, I just had an aneurysm
This was a biT of a letdown overall (I can tell you didn't like this lol), but still not bad. I hope you do/feel better next week!
15. funnellegs - Where Did They Go?
Overall I liked this, but there were a few clumsy moments, mostly with rhyming. The concept was a bit shallow too (a bit too ~tumblr-y~ for me), but the lyrics themselves were pretty solid.
- “Lights/Nights” is a pretty unavoidable rhyme, I think every PH writer has used it at some point, but you didn’t really give your own take on it (“bright lights” and “wild nights” just felt lazy)
- “withering to a husk” no. ESPECIALLY not “husk/trust”
- “My friends say I should put you in a song, / but me and my words, we aren’t getting along.” I liked this, it was quirky.
- “Name/Trace” was SUPER forced
A decent pop song with decent lyrics basically. I think you’re capable of more.
16. Corsola - No More Crying
The vocabulary was your biggest issue here, a lot of it felt shoehorned in, and that made this very NOT song-like. I can’t imagine singing any of these lines, even if I try to turn on my Björk mode. Also, I couldn’t find the rhyme scheme in the 2nd stanza.
- “Scorching blazes surround the rubble around me” I didn’t like “scorching” as an adjective here, and even blazes felt a bit meh
- “Leashed torture's a normality” what? I don’t get what “leashed” is doing here.
- “Her existence is a mere nuisance to terrorize” a perfect example or overdone language for a song.
- ^ This is true for pretty much all of the 2nd stanza.
I think you’re a good writer, but this wasn’t the right format or genre.
17. Ventitonic - Shuffle (Interlude)
“I tried“, and failed!
See you next season! jk love u
18. ughgabriel - Despair
’Twas good. A few missteps here and there but overall solid.
- “Collecting all the ashes / From the hell you put us through” yas
- “Did you cover the lies? “ I’m honestly exhausted from the use of “lies” in songs, it feels like every song about taking charge like this has to mention it. Idk.
- “And throw a punch as she cries, “ I think it’s always best with subject matter like this so that it’s not so direct with the violence, try to mask it with a metaphor/imagery/etc instead.
- “Can't bear to look to your face” “at” your face would work better
Solid job.
19. RihsusChrist(ATG) - Monster Unseen
This entry was a bit confusing. The first half describes a monster (not you) and then it switches to describing you? That shift needed to be clearer/needed more contrast. The rhymes were a biT forced (near rhymes are your friend) as well.
- “maddeningly hypnotic” bad adverb choice. Too much of a mouthful.
- “willing to play / At a leisurely place” pace?
- “An always collected bounty” clunky
- “I’m too old to put up a fight / By bones too frail, I've lost my might” weird preposition use (“by”)
Potential is here for sure, but it needs to be harnessed more.
20. Aurora - Snowflake Secrets
Wow @ you pandering to me with the “valley” lyric, pathetic. Anyways a good bit of the imagery/vocab here was trite; I don’t know how anyone would pick up the metaphor you described in your explanation. I like the concept, but it needs a little more grounding(?). Lyrics like “But please don't try to sell me your oasis” were just a bit extra and nonsensical. I loved the structure, though, the fact that this felt like a complete song, and that the meter was (mostly) tight. I haven’t seen a lot of those things thus far.
- “Drown me in your frigid, tempest seas” Double adjective was clunky
- “I taste your snowflake secrets / Fallen from the mountain's peak” pretty, but idk what a “snowflake secret” is still.
- “Hope's an icicle that's melting/ From exposure to this heat” example of forced imagery (the second line is so bland).
- “Clouding up my mind with forlorn fantasies” example of forced vocabulary (“forlorn”)
Overall good for sure, but I think you could water songs like this down just a biT!
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 2,931
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Should I read the batches and do hints and or reviews or continue watching this LQ version of cupids beast and moonchild found him
RT
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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I was about to drag you for the metaphorical sound (i.e., the character escaping to the woods to get away from his mother yelling at him) so I'm glad you put a disclaimer 
The song was directed at the mother but I struggled expounding on that narrative with the word count so that critique is fair
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Member Since: 5/19/2012
Posts: 5,925
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Reading my song over and I'm tarting to realize what a mess it is
Not lyrically, but in terms of meter
I don't know if I'm ready for the lashings
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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also
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No, really, though, this song is so you, lol. I can hear you singing it already.
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Welcome to My World
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
British words are so cute. Unload a lorry!
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Oop let me read through these batch 1 reviews. 
Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
Batch 3 > the rest  |
Tbh!
I used to always be in Batch 1 but Butch 3 is where the real **** is at.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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How did you type this with your lorry fingers
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
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a lot of it felt shoehorned in
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ooh daddy. "shoehorned" I like it
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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wtf slay a little bit MoonShine
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 2,931
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Let me count syllables next time.
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Ayup me duck ya avin a giraffe
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Name: Citrus
Shoe size: 1
PH/songwriting experience: 11th or something like that in PH6, 1st in PH9.
Biggest inspirations: Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves, Sia lowkey.
Three fun facts:
1. I'm not fun
2. I wanted to guest judge a round but Pear rejected me
3. I'm just here for the production snack table
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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I'm glad you liked it, Temporal! Thanks for the review
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Originally posted by Cupid
Should I read the batches and do hints and or reviews or continue watching this LQ version of cupids beast and moonchild found him
RT
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Read my song for a lyrical version of it!
Quote:
Originally posted by UFO
wtf slay a little bit MoonShine |
Lowkey my favorite part of the song!
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cupid
Ayup me duck ya avin a giraffe
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Sounds like Australian
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Name: Citrus
Shoe size: 1
PH/songwriting experience: 11th or something like that in PH6, 1st in PH9.
Biggest inspirations: Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves, Sia lowkey.
Three fun facts:
1. I'm not fun
2. I wanted to guest judge a round but Pear rejected me
3. I'm just here for the production snack table
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Well RIP everyone
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Flow is about a lot more than counting syllables. You need to pay attention to the stressing and diction, too 
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