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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Part 1#OTF (Hugamari) : The rhyming was great for the most part and the song had a consistent flow and pace so I could hear it in my head, which is great and shows you're capable of writing a song. However, I felt that most of the lyrics were pretty cliche and standards for these type of songs and I couldn't help but cringe at some of them, like the "helium - titanium" lines. The title was kind of the best part tbh.
Break The Skyline (Jezang Looz) : This was a massive improvement over See You Again. The song was on point, there were no lines that stood out in a bad way and the message was clearer than it was last time. That being said, there are some things you could still fix in order to get to the next level. Watch out for individual lines that could potentially feel forced or let the song down like the walls line and the "surreal" line. I also want you to give some extra emphasis on clarity, cause there are 2 people involved in the storyline of the song ( "you" and "I"), but "you" disappears during the pre-chorus and chorus. But that's nitpicking to make your next entry even stronger, it's not necessarily a shortcoming that effected your score this week.
Candelight (GotSkill) : I liked the escalation in this and the last part was a great way to end the song. I also liked the storyline. Execution wise, it was weaker than your previous entries, but you already know that.
Claustrophobia (EuphorianSea) : I absolutely loved the pace you chose for the verses. Fast, short, rhythmic. And it really captured the essence of the title, cause all kinds of phobias produce a sort of panic and urgency that came to life with the fast pace you had. I also loved the chorus for the same reason. Now, there are a couple of things that could use some tweaking. "To a land so far away" felt like a forced rhyme and the second half of the 2nd verse was... not your best work. But I still appreciated the song as a whole and how far you took your concept and this entry is a prime example of how you can be on topic without mentioning the picture explicitly 
Crystalline (dwuw) : It's always nice to have contestants who improve week by week. This is by far your best entry. Your rhyming and meter have improved tremendously, your metaphors were well thought and executed and the whole song was pleasant to read. Now, let me nitpick just a biT for constructive criticism. The second half of the bridge fell a little short, content and rhyming wise (especially the favor line) and the second verse was a little too literal, while I was wishing for the metaphors, imagery and poetic vibe of the first verse to continue. But these are details. Your entry was still very good for the standards of round 3.
Deep Within (lovesong) : Simplicity either works really well or backfires. In Stillness, which is one of my favorite songs of the season so far, it worked beautifully. In your round 2 and round 3 entries, it sadly didn't. The lines are all very short which creates a nice pace, but doesn't leave room for any of the lines to hit hard and have impact. I'm also not a fan of the chorus, especially "in the eventual end". It's still not a bad entry, cause I feel like you're incapable of writing a bad song, I've told you I love your style. But it's not a good entry either and you're so capable of slaying, so this is a bit disappointing.
Dreaming Of You (Era) : Awww, your first full song!!  You did a really good job. The verses are well written and well ryhmed. You also have an incredible sense of rhythm and meter, which might be a good ear or training, but I'm leaning towards the former. A gift! I also loved your little trick with the seasons, it added a lot to the song and emphasized the hopelessness. The only thing I can point out is that the chorus wasn't necessarily as strong as I wish it had been. The "insecurity-clarity" rhyme (and the 2 lines themselves) in particular. But you still did really well
Eggs (DripDrip) : BITCH YOU KNOW WHAT  I LOVE YOU! First of all, you had the balls to submit a song called EGGS. ****ing eggs! And yet it was better, more pleasant to read an more memorable than pretty much all the other entries with the good, intriguing, poetic titles! Was your song a modern poetic masterpiece? Hell to the ****ing no. Did it have perfect meter and flawless execution? Nope. But it was so undeniably refreshing and effortless! You're one of the least contrived, most unfiltered songwriters of the season and I LOVE that. Your entry put a smile on my face and it was an interesting approach, since you literally brought the picture to life and you did flawlessly. Now, the chorus could have been just a bit stronger, but whatever, I don't care. Slay me bitch 
End This Show (JustLuke) : I've told you already that I appreciate your abilities. You know how to rhyme and you know how to write, although pointing out the number of syllables in each line was as far from necessary as Lotus was from successful. Noone does this and noone has to. Now, the song was solid. I get the flower references, although the connection between your concept and the flowers is not very intense. It's merely a break-up song with flower references, as opposed to a song inspired by flowers, but at least you didn't completely ignore the picture, so I won't drag you or anything. The main issue is that you still didn't follow my advice from round 1 and round 2. You need to stand out. Add some standout lines, some wow factor, go a little deeper with your concept or with the execution of your concept. You have a foundation as a writer, so it'll be easy for you to get to the next level if you work on it.
Far Away From This ( ■YoungCalifornia■ ) : Your best entry so far. The flow was amazing, the vocabulary was more advanced, there were hardly any awkward lines and the concept was clear. My favorite parts were lines 5 and 6 of the first verse and lines 3,4, 5 and 6 of the second one. The inside rhyming, the perfect stressing and the flawless rhyming got me tbh. Now, the "damp" line and the fact that your song ended with the phrase "feeling flyer on my new page" were NOT good, but the rest was, so you're fine (with me)
Fix (cactus) : YOU LITTLE FISHY WHΟRE  NOT you slaying like that with a picture that doesn't fit your songwriting style and a song that is an 180 from your other entries. Will I have to admit you're talented now  This was perfect, I don't have anything to point out. I'll just say what my favorite parts were to make the review look longer and more in depth than it actually is. The bridge slayed my existence and the "spin - needle in" thinfy made me question the universe and the big bang theory. The effortless shady in your face badbitchness of the first 2 lyrics woke up the bitchy bottom in me as well, so yeah, good job
Flame Out : This was really beautiful. Your best entry so far. There were a few cliches here and there ("take a chance, make a change"), but other than that, this is one of the most well written songs of the round. The effortless tight rhyming gave your execution the edge over most other entries, pretty flawless!
Flowers (Sam) : I LOVED the concept. You definitely nailed the challenge and the flowers were very present throughout the sogng in a non-contrived manner and they carried the storyline of the couple exceptionally. It was an amazing entry, pleasant to read, with all the technicalities figured out and on point.
Now, let me nitpick. Here's 2 things I have to say but neither of them is a dealbreaker for me, especially in round 3. First, I felt that the chorus was good, but more general. It kind of interrupted the storyline instead of helping it escalate. I love general messages in choruses, but when there's an intense storyline building in the verses, I don't want it to kind of fade during the chorus. I also felt that the second verse was a little not-so-necessary. I appreciate your vision and its undeniable coherency, but as a reader, I wasn't that interested in reading aboout any of the details, minus the contrast between the sister being a little bitch in verse 1 and then catching the bouquet. I get how you used the second half of it to start mentioning the drinking issue, but it feels like this is all the purpose that it served.
Remember, this was extreme nitpicking and obviously didn't affect your score that much. Your entry was still amazing.
Flowers To Burn (Blue.) : You had a lot of beautiful imagery and some amazing word choices, but ultimately this entry took me back to round 1 with the problematic stressing, meter and rhyming. I feel like your lack of presence in the thread might have hindered you a bit cause we've had a lot of conversations about meter and the technicalities of how to put a song together and I think you missed them 
Hula Hoop : You've really created a little bit of a brand for yourself tbh. You make those irresistibly catchy songs that may look a little silly at first, but when you actually pay attention, they're genius. Carefully written, exceptionally rhymed and designed for singing and bopping along, this song stands out among its competition without trying to do so. I had fun reading!
Hurt You Back : I love the rhyming in the verses, very well done. Your execution is general is good, which is important. And your songs do sound polished but with a fun twist, which I like. Now, I'm not sure the song stands out compared to the other entries or that it's a major improvement for you, but you know how to write a song and this one is no exception.
I'll Remember... Forever (Kesha Rose) : This was a really sweet song. The first verse, pre-chorus and chorus were amazing and had great escalation. Really honest and personal, it was like watching a movie. The second verse was a bit of a non-event in comparison, but the bridge made up for it. Now, you didn't necessarily have perfect meter and stressing, but you had a great emotional backbone so the slight technical issues weren't noticeable or important.
Into You (Eros) : A lacklustre collection of cliches, forced rhymes, awkward filler lines, cringeworthy wordplay and messy meter. Probably the most contrived and forgettable sex song of the season. I'm hoping you were just using your immunity to the fullest and I did the same thing during season 6, so I'm fine with it.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 23,128
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
Why are you saying hello to something so out of your reach?
Are you suggesting something? Do I need to purchase some flowers before you leave?
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Euphy you better pray those two bottom 5 underwear pictures from TT aren't yours
I'll start the prayer grab my hand
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jezang Looz
Euphy you better pray those two bottom 5 underwear pictures from TT aren't yours
I'll start the prayer grab my hand
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BITCH EAT MY **** AND READ MY REVIEW, YOU DIRRTY ****
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
Fix (cactus) : YOU LITTLE FISHY WHΟRE NOT you slaying like that with a picture that doesn't fit your songwriting style and a song that is an 180 from your other entries. Will I have to admit you're talented now This was perfect, I don't have anything to point out. I'll just say what my favorite parts were to make the review look longer and more in depth than it actually is. The bridge slayed my existence and the "spin - needle in" thinfy made me question the universe and the big bang theory. The effortless shady in your face badbitchness of the first 2 lyrics woke up the bitchy bottom in me as well, so yeah, good job |
I was honestly terrified to submit this song so you have no idea how much this means. Thank you. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Yassssssssssssssss thank you TT 
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 8,787
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
Do you like Secret by The Pierces?
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Pretty Little Liars it's impact
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Omg wtf so I didn't "flop so out of the universe" - is this real life or just a sick, twisted, sadistic fantasy?
Thank you sis! Wow I feel triumphant (p.s. I hate that song)
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 23,128
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Ugh I knew it I knew it I knew it.
Quote:
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Break The Skyline (Jezang Looz) : This was a massive improvement over See You Again. The song was on point, there were no lines that stood out in a bad way and the message was clearer than it was last time. That being said, there are some things you could still fix in order to get to the next level. Watch out for individual lines that could potentially feel forced or let the song down like the walls line and the "surreal" line. I also want you to give some extra emphasis on clarity, cause there are 2 people involved in the storyline of the song ( "you" and "I"), but "you" disappears during the pre-chorus and chorus. But that's nitpicking to make your next entry even stronger, it's not necessarily a shortcoming that effected your score this week.
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I knew no one was gonna like the walls/surreal part because it was a BIT awkward, but I felt like it went with the overall metaphor of the breaking free from society/world's view of you so I kept it. But at least this was an improvement and I will keep on doing my best.
THANK YOU- TT
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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TT praising my song as one of the best, and Fefe dragging it as one of the worst this round 
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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It's okay I can be the mean judge I guess
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Eros ha decay
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Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 1,893
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Conatus still getting a ****ing 10 from TT  That Connor reign just won't let up
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Just know that next week I'm probably going back to death metaphors and referencing God.
Sorry.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
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I absolutely loved the pace you chose for the verses. Fast, short, rhythmic. And it really captured the essence of the title, cause all kinds of phobias produce a sort of panic and urgency that came to life with the fast pace you had. I also loved the chorus for the same reason.
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YES!  I really wanted to display that same sort of urgency that I feel ties my "claustrophobic" concept together with the pic I chose. It also helped contain some of what I wrote since I felt like "doing less equals more" in this case. The same could be said for the actual subject matter of sex. I'm glad you liked it!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Conatus still getting a ****ing 10 from TT That Connor reign just won't let up |
Still going to fall victim to the conatus curse, though!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Mess at Eros getting scalped
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
Eros ha decay |
He was my second highest score in round 2 and second lowest score this week
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Everyone hating on my second verse (me too), except JustLuke.
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 5,341
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
It's okay I can be the mean judge I guess
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