[eli's_rhythm]

Originally posted by XoEarlyMorningoX

Eli your empathy is growing. I'm so proud of you.

I've always been empathetic. Sometimes I just choose not to show it.

[Jurred]

Originally posted by fanoftalent

oh god. That makes me admire you.
I am sure those friends of yours that seem to be having fun also admire you, they have their problems, they feel down more than you do, but cover it up by having brainless fun, drinking, partying non-stop etc. You will see the positive results of being a determined young man in the long-term though. and it will feel great I'm sure.

Its hard for me to not even be a tiny bit jealous when everyone is going off and having a good time going to Cortaca and visiting people at college while I'm stuck here, having to work. As much as I can say that EVERYONE has problems, I know mine are more immense. My mom is brain-dead, my dad has all but disowned me from the family, my brother is in rehab, the other in a correctional center. I know its life, but I REALLY just need to bitch about it. I hold everything in so much of the time and bite my lip (smoking pot definitely helps), it just all builds up. I'm just so over being "strong" and "mature" in everyone's eyes, I really just would like to be a normal 21 year old once in a while.[/endrant]

[EarlyMorning]

Originally posted by eli's_rhythm

I've always been empathetic. Sometimes I just choose not to show it.

So you're either an incredibly endearing asshole or you know when you true empathy is needed which means you can detect ********.
I'll just choose the latter.

[Jurred]

Originally posted by eli's_rhythm

I know exactly what you mean but if they're SO GREAT to you then your relationship won't be diminished just because you're gay. There will be some initial confusion, isolation, maybe even denial or anger (Why didn't you tell me earlier? or Are you sure it's not just a phase?), but if they're truly good people, they'll get over it and your bond will be stronger than ever.

I'm a bit scared of coming out completely too, but I know my lifelong best friends will be cool with it.

I feel like we're on Oprah.

You're so right though. I always predict the moment of me coming out, but never the aftermath of it. I need to take the initiative for myself and begin to come out, its just scary
to take that first step. Thanks for the pep talk, but I know this inner struggle is far, far from over.

[arkl]

Originally posted by Jurred

Its hard for me to not even be a tiny bit jealous when everyone is going off and having a good time going to Cortaca and visiting people at college while I'm stuck here, having to work. As much as I can say that EVERYONE has problems, I know mine are more immense. My mom is brain-dead, my dad has all but disowned me from the family, my brother is in rehab, the other in a correctional center. I know its life, but I REALLY just need to bitch about it. I hold everything in so much of the time and bite my lip (smoking pot definitely helps), it just all builds up. I'm just so over being "strong" and "mature" in everyone's eyes, I really just would like to be a normal 21 year old once in a while.[/endrant]

I would never have imagined something like that grave from you who sounds so light at all times whenever you participate in any ATRL discussions.

[eli's_rhythm]

Originally posted by Jurred

Its hard for me to not even be a tiny bit jealous when everyone is going off and having a good time going to Cortaca and visiting people at college while I'm stuck here, having to work. As much as I can say that EVERYONE has problems, I know mine are more immense. My mom is brain-dead, my dad has all but disowned me from the family, my brother is in rehab, the other in a correctional center. I know its life, but I REALLY just need to bitch about it. I hold everything in so much of the time and bite my lip (smoking pot definitely helps), it just all builds up. I'm just so over being "strong" and "mature" in everyone's eyes, I really just would like to be a normal 21 year old once in a while.[/endrant]

Jesus, that's effed up. You never struck me as the pot-smoking problem-having type. I read your posts here and you seem so... young. Younger than you are anyway. But now the realness comes out.

If I were you I would feel exactly the same way. I know it's annoying to hear this now, but one day you'll be proud of yourself. Think about it--you'll be the only one in your immediate family to end up right (God willing, and I'm not including your mother in that). You have a good, steady head on your shoulders. Continue bitching. You can always PM me if you need to vent. But you're gonna need someone in real life to talk to too. See a shrink or something. TALK to a friend. Somebody who you think will accept you (the gay part) and empathize with you in your other problems.

[eli's_rhythm]

Originally posted by XoEarlyMorningoX

So you're either an incredibly endearing asshole or you know when you true empathy is needed which means you can detect ********.
I'll just choose the latter.

All of the above? But more like a 30/70 split. I have boundaries.

[EarlyMorning]

Originally posted by Jurred

Its hard for me to not even be a tiny bit jealous when everyone is going off and having a good time going to Cortaca and visiting people at college while I'm stuck here, having to work. As much as I can say that EVERYONE has problems, I know mine are more immense. My mom is brain-dead, my dad has all but disowned me from the family, my brother is in rehab, the other in a correctional center. I know its life, but I REALLY just need to bitch about it. I hold everything in so much of the time and bite my lip (smoking pot definitely helps), it just all builds up. I'm just so over being "strong" and "mature" in everyone's eyes, I really just would like to be a normal 21 year old once in a while.[/endrant]

Never stop being strong, strength is what keeps you going despite all the bad things that happen.
Maturity is just a state of mind and mind of state.
Just because you work doesn't mean your life has to stop progressing as a young man.
I'll let the other two continue helping/advising now.

[fanoftalent]

Originally posted by Jurred

Its hard for me to not even be a tiny bit jealous when everyone is going off and having a good time going to Cortaca and visiting people at college while I'm stuck here, having to work. As much as I can say that EVERYONE has problems, I know mine are more immense. My mom is brain-dead, my dad has all but disowned me from the family, my brother is in rehab, the other in a correctional center. I know its life, but I REALLY just need to bitch about it. I hold everything in so much of the time and bite my lip (smoking pot definitely helps), it just all builds up. I'm just so over being "strong" and "mature" in everyone's eyes, I really just would like to be a normal 21 year old once in a while.[/endrant]

my hero minus the smoking pot part
so your definition of a normal 21y.o. is a person who parties and drinks all the time? we all have our own definition of fun and normal. I just turned 21 too and I feel I'm over partying and drinking. It can get old really quickly IMO. Learning new things is much more fun and NORMAL to me now...and hopefully you'll feel the same way too.

[Jurred]

Originally posted by arkl

I would never have imagined something like that grave from you who sounds so light at all times whenever you participate in any ATRL discussions.

Like I said... I do a good job of holding things in. It's hard not to be numb when you've gone through so much ****. I like to use this as an outlet to have a fun and chuckle at some ridiculous comments/GIFs, not be bitter.

[eli's_rhythm]

Originally posted by Jurred

I feel like we're on Oprah.

You're so right though. I always predict the moment of me coming out, but never the aftermath of it. I need to take the initiative for myself and begin to come out, its just scary to take that first step. Thanks for the pep talk, but I know this inner struggle is far, far from over.

That's funny. Most people think about the reaction. That's the scary part. Though I guess it was hard to say "I'm gay" to another person for the first time. And the second and the third and the fourth. I'm not used to it yet.

I know it isn't. It won't be. But one day you'll just jump. You can't live in fear forever.

[fanoftalent]

Originally posted by eli's_rhythm

That's funny. Most people think about the reaction. That's the scary part. Though I guess it was hard to say "I'm gay" to another person for the first time. And the second and the third and the fourth. I'm not used to it yet.

I know it isn't. It won't be. But one day you'll just jump. You can't live in fear forever.

quick question, Eli...are you out to anyone? and if not when do you plan to come out?

[EarlyMorning]

Originally posted by eli's_rhythm

All of the above? But more like a 30/70 split. I have boundaries.

Nope I see through your tough e-exterior. No turning back now, Eli.

*that would've been more effective if it was Nicola*

[Jurred]

Originally posted by fanoftalent

my hero minus the smoking pot part
so your definition of a normal 21y.o. is a person who parties and drinks all the time? we all have our own definition of fun and normal. I just turned 21 too and I feel I'm over partying and drinking. It can get old really quickly IMO. Learning new things is much more fun and NORMAL to me now...and hopefully you'll feel the same way too.

For me, being a normal 21 year old isn't so much partying and drinking, as it is having the freedom to do what you want to do (which often encompasses partying and drinking). I feel like my responsibilities and need to be self-sufficient limit my ability to have the normal freedoms someone our age has, and it just really kinda sucks.

And I don't see ANYTHING wrong with smoking pot if isn't affecting your personal responsibilities.... But that's a completely different subject.

[arkl]

I hope 2011 is a good year for my life and my career. Everything that happened with me this year (so far) have been dismal and completely uneventful. I'm scared.

[eli's_rhythm]

Originally posted by fanoftalent

quick question, Eli...are you out to anyone? and if not when do you plan to come out?

Yes, to 4 people (3 friends and my shrink). I'm going to be out to my immediate family and all of my close friends before I go to college--that's what I've vowed for myself.

Speaking of which, have you discussed your sexuality with anybody? Have you come to any conclusions?

[eli's_rhythm]

Originally posted by XoEarlyMorningoX

Nope I see through your tough e-exterior. No turning back now, Eli.

*that would've been more effective if it was Nicola*

But what *** is really hard on the inside? I'm a sweetheart.

I really wanted the Kimba crying gif (it's way better than the Aubrey one), but I didn't feel like searching through TinyPic and used that instead.

[Jurred]

Originally posted by XoEarlyMorningoX

Never stop being strong, strength is what keeps you going despite all the bad things that happen.
Maturity is just a state of mind and mind of state.
Just because you work doesn't mean your life has to stop progressing as a young man.
I'll let the other two continue helping/advising now.

It's definitely more than work, it's just being self-sufficient at my age and all the responsibilities that encompass it. I've had a hard night, I so appreciate the advice.

[eli's_rhythm]

Originally posted by arkl

I hope 2011 is a good year for my life and my career. Everything that happened with me this year (so far) have been dismal and completely uneventful. I'm scared.

How can it be dismal and uneventful Lark? Uneventful would be kind of a good thing... dismal, obviously not. Is it that you're static and you were hoping to find your stride this year? Like some romance or a promotion?

[eli's_rhythm]

I wish I could stay and keep talking to you guys but it's after 3AM and I have to be up again at like 10. I'm going to the Northwestern/Wisconsin game in the morning with my dad, uncle and future brother-in-law.