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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Sending it to you ceremonials rn <3
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Um when did I authorize that you rat
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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judges, RT if your reviews are done
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
judges, RT if your reviews are done
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RT for all the ones Pear gave the judges
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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OK sent mine  Please don't laugh when you read it, I actually tried really hard on it to tell a story within the theme and make it song- like
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
If anyone wants me to read theirs am game. I've read like 10 songs this round 
But I've replied to all of them now  |
And last time I checked mine counts as a song cereNOnials
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by mxtthewdelrey
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I didn't authorize this
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
I didn't authorize this
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I don't understand!
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
RT for all the ones Pear gave the judges
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Post em
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Post em
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+1
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by mxtthewdelrey
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Elton John is SHOOK
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Post em
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Am I allowed?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Am I allowed? |
There's only four hours left to the deadline so I'm sure it's gonna make no impact
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
And last time I checked mine counts as a song cereNOnials
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This obvi didn't apply to rats. However, am feeling generous so I sent you a couple of paragraphs.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Hugamari's Comments
Batch 1
(this wasn't the dark challenge @y'all)
Beatinglikeadrum – Dancing in Flames
“You’re so dead wrong” is redundant here, just one would’ve sufficed. If you’re on top of the sun, why is your skin dust? “burned”, “charred”, etc. would’ve been better descriptors. Ecstasy* and the lighters rhyme, although fitting thematically, feels there more because you needed a rhyme and that was convenient. Also, the whole first verse is so dramatic if it’s just about dancing at a club. I felt like someone just broke your heart or something. (EDIT: Just saw someone DID break your heart and now you’re dancing in a club to forget about it.) The line about the arsonists I kind of liked, in theory. It felt a bit clunky how you used it, but the idea was there – being a dance floor arsonist and all that. “The noise of club’s making me flash” although I wouldn’t understand it with proper grammar, should be “The noise of this club’s making me flash”. “I’ll turn around to the another man” should either be “I’ll turn around to the other man” or “I’ll turn around to another man”. “He fires atomic bomb hidden inside” should either be “He fires an atomic bomb hidden inside”, “He fires the atomic bomb hidden inside”, or “He fires atomic bombs hidden inside”, but much like the lyric about making you flash, I do not quite get what you mean by that, anyway. Although you took this challenge in a way I wouldn’t expect someone in Platinum Hit to take it (making a fun song about dancing your sadness away in a club), it’s very typical for pop music, and you didn’t really add any unique spin to it since relating dancing and clubs to fire has been near beaten to death, and I barely got a sense of that anyway.
OreGuy – Pray Tonight
Going with religious undertones?  Risqué! “As I move my hands to thee” is forced, delete that. I’m going to assume that this sinner is a person, and if so, lie*. “Lay” is improper in this context, so that’s another forced rhyme. “Every inch turns him so good” what? I don’t even have a guess as to what this means…turns him on? “This is the way he change his mood” changes*. “Remind the things he did” remember* “Throughout the day / every sin’s been calling his name” was a good line, well done. “It’s just minute taken tonight” what? part 2. I don’t know about this one, either. “It’ll only take a minute tonight”? “It’s just for a minute tonight”? The line about the pillow and the bed, grammatically, makes sense, but I’m just imagining you’re holding a pillow up in the air? What is the point in that? “He makes moves in the dark” OH that’s why your element is dark. I got no feeling of that prior. “Cause he’s been on my head” should be “Cause he’s been in my head” or “Cause he’s been on my mind”. Now, after going through your lines, I am not feeling “dark” here. I can get the reasoning behind it, but I don’t think you applied it all that well.
Kunst – Swimming Pool
First off, Chikorita is GRASS! Don’t slander her by putting her next to the WATER type. Now, on to your song. Another case of me seeing other artists in this song. “West coast teenage dream”…you really can’t help but think of Lana and Katy. “wearing borrowed shirts / ready to get hurt” delete this rhyme. Much like last time, you seem to go back and forth between lines I like a lot, and lines that are forced and kind of tacky. Some of the lines I liked were the first 2, it was a great start to establish your water theme, and a nice line on its own. As much as I didn’t want to see the word scars, I will extend that to your whole first verse. It was a great start. The pre-chorus is where you go into tacky territory. The nicotine line seemed to serve two purposes, and neither are what I’d like to see. It was a convenient slant rhyme (sounds like a reach, I know) that added some edge to your song. I guess what we pick up from this is that they smoke cigarettes, they’re rebellious teens! But it’s not as effective as you’d think it’d be. I liked the idea of “wearing borrowed shirts”, because that gives more of an image as to who these people are more than the nicotine line, but you ruined it with the line after, though I mentioned that earlier. Something that bothers me is that you started with ocean metaphors, but your chorus was about swimming pools. You could just as well have kept up the ocean theme, and it wouldn’t even be hard. I can’t ride you too much for that since I could feel water from your song regardless, which is the first time I’ve seen a type come through since I started judging. As I said in the beginning, I see other artists here, but I’m still going to look out for you. Maybe you’ll surprise me.
Glassmouth – Burning Hills
Your chorus does nothing for your song. I suppose it’d get stuck in the heads of radio listeners if they heard it, which would help them remember, and maybe even get them to buy, the song, but from a lyrical standpoint, it does nothing. Your outro was also pointless. “Eyes wonder until you claim to be an other you” is a weird sentence. “Eyes wonder until you claim to be another you” or “Eyes wonder until you claim to be the other you” would make more sense, but I still don’t get what this line is trying to say. Do they have multiple personalities? The line after it also makes no sense to me. “Scaring life itself”? That’d work if you were personifying the idea of “life”, but I don’t really see it for this song. “…breadcrumbs fall until you find your own clue” excuse me? Where did the bread come from? “after you ****ed up the chance you had here” is another awkward line because, even though I didn’t really see rhymes in your entry, this line felt like an attempt at one, and you tacked on “here” for that reason. Now, with that out of the way, I feel like, although I could see what could be ‘fire’ about your entry, it seemed like an afterthought…like you wrote something, then chose a type, then made some lines to make the type you chose fit.
Corsola – Crystal Chronicles
Well, you really took the idea of ice and ran with it, so you did the challenge requirements well. Although this entry is not *as* wordy as last time, there are still some times where it felt like it was a bit much. For instance, your use of adjectives in the chorus. Description is nice, and helps paint a picture into the minds of people who read what you write, but there were a LOT of adjectives there which was overkill. You also had times where you seemed to prioritize a rhyme over anything else. Going back to the chorus again, “obscene” seems more there because it rhymed with “serene” than because that’s the word you wanted to use. “throne”/”zone” is another example of this. I do think taking a literal approach to a round designed to be metaphorical was an interesting idea, but we will have to see whether or not it works in your favor.
RihsusChrist(ATG) – Coffee
The clashing of imagery does not favor you. I think basing your whole song around the idea of coffee (or at least metaphors about it) would have done more for your song than to make half of it shower time metaphors and half of it coffee metaphors. Speaking of, though – the parts that were coffee metaphors are such a reach. It was serving “anything can be an innuendo if your mind is dirty enough” teas. One thing I can say is, despite the…level that you wrote at, you put more water imagery in here than some people with their chosen types, so bravo, I guess?
Jackson – For The Gods
So I’m feeling petty today. Why did you use servant/monster instead of servant/master? Like, I *do* get it – you see his master as a monster. However, that abandons the idea of a servant/master line, which although admittedly overdone, still feels like it’d work better. You could have even said “I’m a servant to his ‘master’” for the shady kii. Anyway conatus, besides for that point, you have a well-written piece that not only has its imagery based in the type you chose, but a reason for using the imagery. You understood the point of this challenge and you excelled. Well done.
Ceremonials – Endless Night
So, this is very obviously emotionally charged, and in a way, the lack of polish helps that. However, I think some parts really took me out of this story. Mostly, the constant switching between very metaphorical and literal lines was jarring to me. I know it helps move the story along, but the literal lines just stick out. You had a good balance of story details and not-so-literal lines, like “the power that he held with the motion of his hand”. I think more lines like that would’ve elevated the whole piece a lot. I also think the whole letter rhyming, while beautiful in context, is a bit unrealistic? It doesn’t affect much, but I figured I’d point it out. Regardless, I felt more reading this than any other entry so far this season, so I guess that counts for something, yeah? Good job.
Jpow – Blackout / Disconnected
“bed”/”dread”? Delete that rhyme! Delete “dim”/“grim” too! Also, “Now you are putting this/Relationship in doubt” is a bad way to separate 2 lines. You could pull up examples of this working in actual songs (I know Teenage Dream does something like it), but since we don’t hear what you hear, it just looks bad. Besides for those things, your entry felt typical to me. Very middling. You got your type across, which is sufficient for the challenge, but I didn’t really see anything that particularly impressed me.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
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(this wasn't the dark challenge @y'all)
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Lemme hope my airy flying anthem is an outlier, in a good way.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Thanks for the review father
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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