This was pretty solid! The flow was quite good, really all of the basics were here, which is awesome for a beginner in Round 1. I do have a few comments, of course:
- There were a few cliché choices, like “Angel/Demon”, which is a pretty overused contrast and shouldn’t have been the central image, the opening “heart beat” line, and the Beauty Behind the Madness rewrite in the 2nd verse
- “Most/Ghost” was super forced (don’t write your lyrics entirely around a rhyme), “Demon/Believe In” was forced to a lessor extent (but was a clever play)
- I liked your style/tone throughout
- Try to tell more of a story or plot next time
I’ll be watching you 👀
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2. Blue. - Untitled
My biggest issue was that this was somewhat hard to understand because your style was really awkward and there were a number of weird lyrical choices or sentence structures. There were also some typos as well.
- “It could be the place you been searching for longingly” sooo verbose
- “At least you don't know when the sun lost its wormth” this line didn’t make sense
- “wormth” um
- “Your breath shapes in clouds, the vanish in air” They?
- “Stakes, what are you counting on?” the first word was unnecessary and made this line much more awkward than it needed to be
Your vocabulary was good and your concept was cute, but you need to be more careful. Take more time and send your entry to a mentor next week.
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