ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Part of Batch Three
Quote:
1. UFO - Swimming Backwards
Hm. This song had good moments and bad moments and not a lot in between. I thought the use of imagery in each line itself was on point, but the flow of the piece was hella awkward.
- “They filled the skyline with a dense weight” “dense weight” doesn’t really make sense tbh
- The subject change from clouds to all of sudden being drenched in waterfalls and “diving” was really jarring
- “The earth is spinning / I’m hard of hearing / I’m holding on to gravity / I’m always standing” the second line was almost comedically random; it doesn’t fit in at all with the lines around it.
This was okay, but I would’ve liked a full song fleshed out instead of just a verse, pre-chorus and chorus.
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2. Auburn - Feel (Interlude)
You can write a full song with 140 words! I promise! This was actually a really good interlude though, I quite enjoyed this! You style felt really soft and delicate which played into the emotion nicely. Very simple, but very nicely done.
- “a sea of grey from a sea of green” not sure what this was referring to.
- “together we'll soon be” inverted sentences are sometimes okay, but this is an instance where it wasn’t
I look forward to a full entry by you!
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3. XL - Raging Fire
This was an interesting entry, I’m not sure what I expecting from you, but it wasn’t this. I want to say this is your best song? There were solid lyrics here, but the concept was really muddy and there were a number of forced rhymes.
- “mire/fire” was sooo forced
- The entire 2nd verse was forced rhymes
- Not sure what the 1st verse was describing
I’m interested to see what you’ll do if you keep this up, honestly.
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