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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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"I am a little drunk / even though I shouldn't be"
Hor perfectly encapsulated his identity with the opening lyric of his PH8 finale song. 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Flashes and Imaginary Friend are the only 2 I care to listen to more than once...not that the album is bad, it just all sounded the same except for the highlights.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Parts of Batch Three
Quote:
1. Ceremonials - No Sun on the Horizon
Right off the bat, the repetition of “I’ve…” to begin every line got pretty redundant. If this was an Intro or Interlude it might’ve made more sense, but for a full song, it was somewhat exhausting. Anyways, you had nice lines here, and your biggest issues were missing some opportunities to make a really punchy line, or used some lines that just fell flat, and the fact that this felt more like pretty language as opposed to a piece with real meaning.
- “I've foreseen a life with no sun on the horizon” I wish this one was rewritten. “I’ve foreseen” just doesn’t feel right. Maybe “I’ve seen a life with no sun ALONG the horizon” (to make up for the lost “for” syllable) or “I can see” etc. I love the first stanza besides that, though.
- “I've turned to the darkness since the stars went away” could’ve used another word instead of “went” since this is a very imagery based song, like “burnt” or “faded”.
- The couplet you chose to repeat was one of the weaker ones.
- “I've imagined no light at the end of the tunnel” “Imagined” was a weird choice.
- “I've been to the planet where the sun doesn't shine” non mi piace “THE planet”
This was good, one of your better songs IMO, but I would like it more with more revisions.
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2. Jaxswim - Hit Me Up
The judge who became the judged becomes the judge once more! Your biggest issue were the rhymes, you really bent over backwards to have perfect rhymes and it showed. I really think this would’ve been a good song if you would’ve loosened your restraints a bit. For example “The world all around / Seems so suddenly profound” like it’s kinda pretty, but one can’t ignore how forced the rhyme is.
- The pre-chorus rhymes were all really (sorry) bad. Near rhymes are your friend!
- “poison’s in my veins” a pretty mundane line.
I feel like you’re close to a breakout moment, but this wasn’t it.
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3. Legacy - Tommy
This was a… lopsided entry? The pacing, in the beginning, was WAY too quick, the first two lines were cute, and then BAM suicide  It was a bit too much. Then you started hopping around temporally ( ) which was quite confusing. Some of the lyrics were way too literal or unnuanced, like “I'm drowning in alcohol” and “Now the pain is gone”.
- “Tommy, I Miss your destructive love” don’t just cram in an adjective for the sake of using one, it needs to not be awkward.
- “And we are both dead and in love” too direct, this felt like a narration more than a lyric I suppose.
- The chorus/repeated part was pretty weak and cliché.
I can tell you’re trying, but you need more nuance and *pizazz*
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4. 8thPrince - Fifty-One
I’m kinda surprised at how flat this fell for me. A number of the rhymes felt really corny (“alone/barcodes” being the biggest example), and the couplets themselves felt really uneven. The images kept shifting too much for the piece to feel stable - planes, black holes, records, fields and crops and storms - and I think a plot line would really medicate that.
- “Know where I go, so do bad omens” the last clause was… awkward? Idk it feels forced into that line.
- “Stay clear of me, because I’ve got an evil eye” too wordy and clumsy
- “Flocks of crows perch on the rooves of homes I pass” again, too wordy (might consider deleting “perch”)
I like the concept and structuring, but the execution went a bit awry in too many places.
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5. Achilles. - Dead in the Eyes
I quite liked this, really simple imagery and it paid off. My biggest overall critique is that the background lines were really awkward and broke the feel of the piece, you could’ve done without them.
- The first 4 lines were a biT dramatic for an opening portion
- “My hopes and dreams and wishes” really verbose for an otherwise succinct song. The bridge as a whole was pretty weak.
- “I'll keep walking this earth / For years on end / But the light in my eyes / Won't shine again” murder me daddy
- For your explanation, I’m still not quite grasping the conflict between the adult you and the child you and how that ties into the election.
Nice job, now for one damn season don’t start declining week after week from here on out.
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6. Borderline - Passing Notes
The lyrics here really weren’t bad - especially for a song about passing notes - but it was very repetitive. It was all “wow we’re passing notes, so #rebellious” and “wow, #nostalgia” throughout.
- “Maxing out the lives we lived” can’t really put my finger on it, but this line didn’t work.
- “Our youth's song” p sure this was used just to fill the rhyme
- “Passing notes till we grow old” grew*
Cute, I look forward to what you have to offer in the future!
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7. DripDrip - Please Respect Me
Wow @ this being the second use of “psychotic/neurotic” this round. I wasn’t expecting this to be the overarching issue of the round, but vocal, vocal, vocal. Big words can elevate the level of your piece, but not when they’re shoehorned in at every corner.
- “I'm taking all my confidence back that left the water get full” what?
- “Because I'm human too no matter the gender identification” clunkyyy
- “We all die from breathing the same air no matter the nation” not quite?
- “I may be a bit lost a bit broken” commas are essential!
This was meh, but I'll be waiting for your "Eggs" moment!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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I tend to be more storytelly than good language and stuff, but my favorite couplets I've written-
I've made a lot of bad choices, baby, but when I look back at my life / In a sea of awful memories, you're an island of what I got right
The days get longer and the years get shorter / Time is a gun and age is his mortar
I fear I'll become a warning of great potential's highest cost / When night turns into morning and the world sees that I've lost
I hung my graduation tassel on the cornerstone of mama's grave / I swear that she was there with me when I was on that stage today
My fave funny lines I've written <3 -
Your weak ass, cheap ass, can't-even-read-ass / Better step off or else imma beat ass
My coochie a forest and he's the explorer / He's wrecking my snatch like an emerald ash borer
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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yesss do it one by one, im here for it!
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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did you not like your Diamond Hit banner?
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
"I am a little drunk / even though I shouldn't be"
Hor perfectly encapsulated his identity with the opening lyric of his PH8 finale song. |
I edited that line after PH8 kii
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Oh wow I wasn't First 7? Damn
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
Keep it Simple then Vibes, True Disaster, Imaginary Friend, and Flashes
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YOU BETTER BE VOTING IN THE ALBUM SURVIVOR. These deaf hoes are gonna get Keep God Simple knocked out 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
did you not like your Diamond Hit banner?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
did you not like your Diamond Hit banner?
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Dammit, I changed it in the notepad but not here, oops. Fixed!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Mess i thought he would stan. Oh well 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Y'all do SO bad interpreting my scores from reviews, I swear 
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Quote:
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Nice job, now for one damn season don’t start declining week after week from here on out.
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It was difficult not to decline considering I Only Come Out At Night and Red Carpet Funeral were both #3s.
I'm predicting a placement anywhere from the lower top 10 to top 20/25 this time around, so I'll have plenty of room to Rise Up (by Andra Day, buy it on iTunes). 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Y'all do SO bad interpreting my scores from reviews, I swear |
@ me hoe
I suppose mine was one of the more positive ones.  it reminded me of you kind of when I was writing it, so I'm glad you at least liked it
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
20. Aurora - Snowflake Secrets
Wow @ you pandering to me with the “valley” lyric, pathetic. Anyways a good bit of the imagery/vocab here was trite; I don’t know how anyone would pick up the metaphor you described in your explanation. I like the concept, but it needs a little more grounding(?). Lyrics like “But please don't try to sell me your oasis” were just a bit extra and nonsensical. I loved the structure, though, the fact that this felt like a complete song, and that the meter was (mostly) tight. I haven’t seen a lot of those things thus far.
- “Drown me in your frigid, tempest seas” Double adjective was clunky
- “I taste your snowflake secrets / Fallen from the mountain's peak” pretty, but idk what a “snowflake secret” is still.
- “Hope's an icicle that's melting/ From exposure to this heat” example of forced imagery (the second line is so bland).
- “Clouding up my mind with forlorn fantasies” example of forced vocabulary (“forlorn”)
Overall good for sure, but I think you could water songs like this down just a biT!
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Thanks for the review! Granted the metaphor wasn't supposed to be picked up on without the explanation but now I realise that was a foolish angle to take. But, it's been tested, now I'll know not to do it again. Moonie warned me about all the adjectives but I ignored ha, poor me.
Assuming the other reviews will have a similar trajectory, the main thing I guess I'm learning from this round is to wind it back a bit. I might be biting off a bit more than I can chew, as it was put earlier, and it's good to have other opinions to keep you in check. And unless someone else has the same opening lyric as me, I figure I'm #4 on your overall list (likely now #5-#7 after Batch 3)? Surprised tbh.
But thanks again! Looking forward to the other judges' comments.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Perched for my review! New Avatar too!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Y'all do SO bad interpreting my scores from reviews, I swear |
Well you kinda completely dragged me yet I was your #2 from the first two batches, so it's not like we have much to interpret with
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aurora
Thanks for the review! Granted the metaphor wasn't supposed to be picked up on with the explanation but now I realise that was a foolish angle to take. But, it's been tested, now I'll know not to do it again. Moonie warned me about all the adjectives but I ignored ha, poor me.
Assuming the other reviews will have a similar trajectory, the main thing I guess I'm learning from this round is to wind it back a bit. I might be biting off a bit more than I can chew, as it was put earlier, and it's good to have other opinions to keep you in check. And unless someone else has the same opening lyric as me, I figure I'm #4 on your overall list (likely now #5-#7 after Batch 3)? Surprised tbh.
But thanks again! Looking forward to the other judges' comments. |
You were #2 in my B1 hints, I haven't input my other scores into Excel yet so idk where you are now.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
I tend to be more storytelly than good language and stuff, but my favorite couplets I've written-
I've made a lot of bad choices, baby, but when I look back at my life / In a sea of awful memories, you're an island of what I got right
The days get longer and the years get shorter / Time is a gun and age is his mortar
I fear I'll become a warning of great potential's highest cost / When night turns into morning and the world sees that I've lost
I hung my graduation tassel on the cornerstone of mama's grave / I swear that she was there with me when I was on that stage today
My fave funny lines I've written <3 -
Your weak ass, cheap ass, can't-even-read-ass / Better step off or else imma beat ass
My coochie a forest and he's the explorer / He's wrecking my snatch like an emerald ash borer
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OMG the SLAY. I'm ****ED UP daddy. I want your lyrics inside of me Good lord, i'm not worthy 
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