Tea: I've been called a fashion queen by people much more than I've called myself one! I may love fashion and #Labels ("WalMart is a label?"), but this label was thrust upon me by others!
This week, your job was simply to make us laugh. Whether or not that was with or at you was completely open to interpretation, but trust and believe, both happened.
While the judges and I discuss and rank and argue as I completely ignore them, I want you girls to discuss who you think did the best and worst this week.
Get your digs in by Wednesday, November 23rd @ 3:00 PM CST
Allure
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xxx
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Dita Von Teese inspired make-up and hair
skin-tight dominatrix inspired
semi-transparent cream and blue latex dress
matching blue and cream gradient long stiletto nails
with black heels underneath.
Top left: Female face mask
Middle left: Long blonde wig
Bottom left: Price tag (attached @ the hip)
Right: Pink latex dress and everything that goes with it in the pic lol
All my life, I wished to be perfect, like a Barbie doll. A beautiful face, an hourglass figure, legs as long as the eye could see...and one day, an epiphany came to me. Why try to be like a Barbie doll...when I can actually be one? It was then...I dedicated my life to being a Barbie doll, so I could forever be as beautiful as the day I was made.
Eve Saint Laurence
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Challenge:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it’s yours truly Eve Saint Laurence. Chances are you probably don’t know who the hell I am. It’s cool if you don’t, seriously, half the time I don’t know either. Now there’s been a common consensus about me in this game thus far…. that I’m lazy, don’t try, I’m floating… They’re all right. That says more about y’all than me. Bitch I’m not even trying. I thought I was here for a ****ing funeral, not another challenge. I thought Phyllis Schlafly of Drag, Citrus had finally kicked the ****ing bucket, ****. My ass thought Grizabella was finally going to the Heaviside Layer. Guess not. The description of the event said, “COMEDY SHOW”. I came all this way for THIS? |’m over it, I’m ****ing over it.
But no seriously, I’ve been having a great time not getting to any of the girls here. There hasn’t been any drama. I don’t know if y’all know this about me but drama brings a lot of things into my life… sadness, weight, sexual transmitted diseases, narcotics. I’m glad there’s been none of it. Although there’s been an exposé of my personal life that’s really left me broken, much like Evita’s english. Yes, I said it! Don’t check me, I’m Mexican. Reverse racism DOESN’T exist. But the exposé is that Chanel DiAngelo is my mother. I know what you’re probably thinking, “oh this poor queen, let’s host a GoFundMe to get her out of that home”, you’re thinking right. Give me some ****ing money, this nylon thin bitch won’t let me eat. But really, is Chanel my mother? I’m here tonight to tell you all that she indeed is.
I have a long history with Miss Chanel DiAngelo. We’ve bonded and we’ve fought. I remember one time, I’d been struggling with my weight. I’d just lost a lot of weight, I mean I’m talking big numbers, not small ones on par with Evict Kitchen’s IQ. This bitch had the nerve to take credit for my weight loss. Keep in mind, I wasn’t only just coasting off the tails of morbid obesity but depression too. Last time I checked this bitch didn’t ru—power walk those three ****ing miles. ME, I WALKED THOSE ****ING MILES. I ATE THOSE ****ING SALADS. I DRANK THAT ****ING WATER. Y’all don’t get it, I ****ing hate vegetables. This still isn’t the last time this bitch has taken credit for something being shoved into my mouth either. I’d ask her to come up on stage with me to react the entire jig but Chanels tired y’all. Not only did y’all make her ass lose but y’all made her host too. Y’all know y’all should be cutting her bigger checks. Housing can only do so much now. I guess… Chanel, she’s like a river. You know rivers are beautiful and serene. But she’s more like the Citarum River, gaping and full of ****. That’s Chanel DiAngelo for you.
Chanel DiAngelo is my mother, yes, but to think we get along is a bigger misconception than me thinking Jax. was black. It’s not realistic. A twink, sixteen, with no talent? I’m talking about Jax, not Chanel or any of the other girls in this competition, y’all. It’s as realistic as me winning this damn thing. Not because I don’t have the abilities but because the entire ****ing show is set up for Chanel to win. I mean you recruit the first sixteen torsos on the grid of Grindr and say you’re looking for talent. What kind of casting? B U L L S H I T . Oh look it seems my time is finally up, for this gig not the ****ing competition. I see the queens rejoicing.... For booking contact me at [email protected]. Good night to all my beautiful gentleman and ladies everywhere except for one place, the place that produced Evita Kitchner… die for me Argentina!
Runway:
My runway this week is a businesswoman woman from 9-5 but has to be a dominatrix at 5:24 in the stall of a Burger King restroom. I thought I’d do something a little unconventional for me interns of make up. This sort of ambiguous mask sort of is reflective of the uncertainty I have in what type of queen I am. I don’t feel as if I’m one type of queen, I feel I embody a thousand different personalities in one, and I hope from now on to start showing each and every one through my craft.
MoonChild
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Soundtrack:
Chanel with a fan.
Hey, everyone, how y'all doing? I'm Chanel's good friend from the Brewster Psychiatric Hospital. She didn't know I was gonna be here. Did you, Chanel?
You see, after Season 1, Chanel was committed to a mental hospital, which is great. After the suicide attempt, I was glad to see her finally commit to SOMETHING. Because normally, she just latches on to anyone who indulges her and clings to them like they've hidden her stash. And what's not to like about Chanel? She has the complexion of a corpse and a personality just as rotten. Last I heard, she's committed to a boyfriend who works for UPS. Maybe he can unpack her bull****, but I bet he'll die from anthrax poisoning.
Chanel is a narcissist with a personality disorder, making her the first person to be in a love triangle with herself. The only thing consistent about Chanel is her left hand at her shoulder in every selfie she takes. Chanel is a rising star, truly. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw her at the Oscars in a few years. In Memoriam, once she ODs after losing All-Stars.
Speaking of wanting to OD, if Chanel asks you for your Snapchat, do NOT give it to her. You will receive War and Peace in picture form every single day. Chanel, the next time you want to pull an American Beauty and film a floating plastic bag, take it and put it over your head.
Chanel's favorite movie is The Neon Demon, which makes sense because she's a devil bitch with skin so white she glows in the ****ing dark. Chanel calls herself the fashion queen of Season 1, which is a lot like being the cancer of AIDS. I wish she was pancreatic so we could all ****ing die already.
I joke, Chanel. You've always been one of my best judies. Judi Dench, specifically, because nobody in North America will care when you die. Carbön will be sad, of course, because then she won't have a 52-part Snap Story to laugh at every time someone types the words "Carrie Messiah." I know you won't mind this roast, though, because it's all about you.
Wearing black at the beach, looking good, feeling chic.
Latex Realness
Fruit Fly Realness
Latex Realness Runway Description
MoonChild rounds the corner clutching an actual tangerine in one hand and her hip in the other. She struts down the runway and bites into the tangerine, skin and all, while looking at the panel. MoonChild chews the sweet juices and swallows it (she's no spitter) before throwing the tangerine to some corner of the room and walking offstage.
I decided not to edit this look because it was already pretty busy and I didn't see where I could add much. It had everything I was looking for, so why make it messy? This look has that signature whimsical yet fierce MoonChild feel. I thought the fruit fly concept was pretty fun, so I decided to amp the comedy in my runway walk by imitating Tangerine's work room entrance. Love you, sis.
After a difficult decision to not swallowed me, Chanal conceived me at the age of 13. It happened in one of her frequent orgies, and considering the amount of participants it had, I’m glad I wasn’t born as a dog. 6 months later, worried about her weight, she decided to abort me. But it didn’t work out
(well, disputed!)
and she throw me in the dumpster. At first, I thought she wanted to give me an insight of her roots, but she never came back.
Life on the streets wasn’t easy (right Carrie?), but after years of depression, I finally saw the light.
My dumpster was modern
I knew Chanal ****ed her way up to the top (ironically, the only sexual practice she doesn’t perform) and was hosting a show, so I went to meet her! At first, she was focalized on her other daughter Eve (I guess my mom was really into Biblican figures, although the only she could feel identified with was Mary Magdalene). She loved her so much, she rigged the competition for her to win. Here’s proof, let the video play!
While my mother was trying to accept me, I met the fadebolous contestants!
I met MoonChild. She was slaying, only took her 2 years of doing the same challenges over and over again to succeed! She’s a proof that you can persevere while maintaining thin. I mean, she only ate judge’s ass for the whole race… But she must puked sometimes, that’s why she didn’t gain a gram after eating Drip’s lipidic buttocks! Seeing Nellie’s entries certainly contributed to the puking.
Another queen who was killing it was Tangerine. Really hate that bitch. Not because of her perfect entries or her abilities to distract the judges from her awful looks with a reveal, but I'm sure she worked for Trump… as make-up assistant.
A typical Tangerine runway
Then we have Pixel.
She was so dark she only listened to Katy Perry and watched Goosebumps, which was exactly what her runways produced on us. Her only achievement was impersonating a creepy fat pedophile guy with a foot fetish. Nobody noticed she was just being herself.
I don’t want to forget (even if everyone else already has) about Nina. She was so worried about STDs, she was always Safe. Talking about STDs, there was a queen who called herself Kunty. Evidently, her lack of charisma didn't allow her to name herself Cunty. But it's not like she had Uniqueness, Nerve or Talent either, so she should have been called “y”. Or didn’t be called…
5, 6, 7… I think I’m forgetting about someone. Oh yeah! I’m missing the most delusional, cringe-worthy, useless, self-centered, irritating and non-talented queen of them all…
That’s right, I’m talking about
Evita Kirchner.
I never get why she was mad all the time, but I would be too if that’s what I found out when I look at the mirror. Or the closet. Her runways and her English were so bad, in comparison she made Jiggly Caliente a Ford model and Lineysha Sparx a fluent speaker. She named herself the Queen of the People, but I don’t think extincted Homoneanderthalensis are considered to be actual people. She said she was from some place called Argentina, I think that was my dumpster’s neighborhood. She tried to be funny on her Comedy Challenge entry, but the only funny things about her was considering Jinkx Monsoon as the best winner, liking TOO as a judge and truly believing Pixel was a successful drag queen.
Anyway, I tend to write a lot, use this ugly-ass font and totally lack of comedy skills, but remember I’m Chanal’s daughter, I didn’t create genetics (Citrus did!). I’m a proud Son
of a Bitch… literally!
Thank you!
Well, that was a bit like watching an Animal Planet documentary…
So how are you guys? You all get in alright? I know parking must’ve been difficult between Aciid’s donkey and MoonChild’s segway. Well my name is Tangerine and I’ll be steering you back into the world of the sane.
I’m gonna open with a short story. My drag beginnings were at home, in Ireland. Let me set the scene. I was blackout drunk, 15 and psychotic… obviously not much has changed. I woke up one morning with a splitting headache, rolled out of bed and said “sorry Father, I’ll see you at church” before sprinting home.
I spent the rest of that day nursing a hangover before I came across this weird book online and my life was changed.
Now y’all, drag wasn’t the easiest transition for me. Actually I was disgusted when I first saw that queen in the book. It went against all of my morals, everything I’d been taught and all I knew to be good.
Barefoot on the runway?! Love yourself please.
Fast forward some tubs of jiffy lube, a copy of the Katy Perry guide to appropriation, a subscription to Victoria’s Secret Swimwear and here I am! ATRL’s Next Drag Soup… kitchen attendant.
Sorry, I’ve just been going on and on about myself. I sound like Allure! I didn’t get this far all on my own and I wanna thank all the people that helped me, from beach ball body-type Pea to life sized Cabbage Patch Kid Citrus. Now me and Citrus argue a lot, we fight, bicker, sabotage each other’s chances at winning and publicly attack one another but through it all we are still a family.
The Manson family.
Speaking of Mansons, hello Chanel!
Chanel styles herself after Emma Roberts and American Horror Story Coven and I think she does a great job, she has this look in particular down to a T... but really sis, you look like a 90s grunge girl wandered into a hot topic store circa 2005 and then joined a genderfluid demikin Wiccan butch lesbian tumblr group. A group probably founded by Pixel Dark!
Chanel can be very convincing though. As in: looking at her convinced me to vote Trump.
On the topic of Trump, our dear Aciid has actually refused to help with the building of his wall. She has said that she will do absolutely no work on the project. This however will still be more than she does at her actual job. Likewise, I’m actually glad to see DripDrip is still here and hasn’t been shipped back to her Incan Temple.
Drip is actually ATRL Drag Race’s very own Carmen Carerra! She’s boring, puts in minimal effort and we’re all wondering why she’s still here! …Huh? What did you think I was gonna say? I do want to congratulate DripDrip on her recent transition though. Yes, she went from being a bad judge to being a worse one.
Perhaps the worst hit by the election result though is Carrie Messiah who has been left homeless and on the stre- Huh? *holds earpiece* Oh. Sorry. She dresses that way all the time. Sat next to her is TheOnlyOne… still invested in this game. She's also the only one who still reads her own critiques and the only one who bought a ticket to Violet Chachki's CANCELLED tour. Last (fittingly) is Carbön. Carbs really wanted a roast for this challenge and you can see why... emaciated ass. Well turn on the barbeque Carrie, I know you’re good at that, let’s give this a shot.
We were all hoping that Carbön would turn to a diamond back in Season 2, unfortunately she became coal and just like coal we only still use her for lack of an available alternative. Carbön darling, I think your name should be Nitrögen. You’re transparent, tasteless and a constant presence that nobody pays attention to. While Aciid’s legacy in the competition continues with multi-talented queens like MoonChild (term used loosely, like her asshole) and myself, Carbön’s is only witnessed through Nellie Boddum’s art and Nina Williams’ personality.
Well I have confession in 15 minutes so let me make this quick. Next up is a queen about as clever as her name suggests, please give some mild applause to Kunty Clarkson.
My latex inspired look is serving my normal sexy, body queen image on a whole new level. The front shows off my full assets and lets you know how tight the tuck is. I didn't have time to grab one of my big wigs so I just stole the streamers off of Drip's bike handlebars for my hair. I didn't feel like beating my entire face today either so I threw on a mask. I also brought one for my sis Evita. The mask and hair are so irregular and centralising that I kept it light with accessories and just went with this Citrus inspired necklace. I'm feeling like a mass produced sex doll without a natural fiber on me. One of the expensive ones though.
Kunty Clarkson
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A Typical Day in the Life of Kunty Clarkson
Hihi
Runway: Latex, For Your Protection
I am feeling my latex fantasy in this studded catsuit by known latex expert, Atsuko Kudo. I paired it with a gold latex cape and gloves from Atsuko, as well, to really take this look to the next latex level.
Nellie Boddum
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Hi y'all! My name is Nellie Boddum and as my name suggests, I am a nelly bottom! I have been pricked more times than an elderly patient at a nursing home by an intern... Citrus knows the feeling. But seriously, I am so damn loose that I can not use an enema anymore to douche... I need a firehose. I would NEVER recommend doing this for those bottoms out there that have not seen a winkie since there was a Clinton as president, like TOO. She was clenching with anticipation that Hillary Clinton would get elected in hopes her cobwebs would get cleared. *sigh*
Speaking of that mess of an election we just had. My good sistren, Allure was not too happy with Trump being elected and has threatened to migrate to Canada since Donald Trump won the presidency. She was spotted off the coast of Oregon.
Another world leader that has seemed to be an inspiration to Evita is Eva Perón. Gwhirl! Why? Like, we already know how this story ends: she ends up as dead as your personality this season
I love seeing Koko pop up every now and then. I absolutely LOVE your lipsync videos! All the gymnastic moves are a wonder! But one thing... when you mouth the words, why does it look like you are trying to catch flies out of the air?
We have a queen by the name of Nina Williams and I just have four words for her: Anna has better fashion.
To the hostess with the mostess, CHANAL. Why are you always trying to be like Chanel Oberlin when you are really just Chanel Pour Homme? We all know how THAT turns out...
You know what else I wanna say? I'm pretty sure Citrus does not know what year it is due to Alzheimer's but we still love her as much as she loves her Urethra Franklin cassette tapes
Goodness, do you hear me rambling on like I am Carrie Messiah or something? The equivalent of the actual season 1 winner of RuPaul's Drag Race... who was it? ... ... ... I don't know her
Thank you for sitting through my comedy sketch and I hope you come again... ... ... in me
My runway is Bee inspired! My hair is swirled around like a beehive. I have antennas extending down to imitate hair strands. The titties are to resemble bee eyes. The sleeves are the wings. My shoes are high heeled and resemble the butt of a bee. From my waist downward, that is pointed to resemble the stinger. Showing some sexy Ness by having my midriff exposed for easy finger access
Nina Williams
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Well ladies, gentlemen and Drip, the show is almost over.
[cue sighing and “thank god” quotes from all the judges except TOO giving a blank emotionless stare]
Sad yes I know, I’m sure everyone took the time to read every single entry… right?... right. I thought a lot about what to do for this challenge. A straight up roast? No, too obvious of a choice but what fits me? what fits Nina Williams, a gaming inspired drag queen whose chart run so far has been the opposite of ATRL’s collective sex life?
Well certainly none of Carbön’s clothing but that’s beside the point. The point is; I thought long and hard about how I could somehow try to please
EVERY.
SINGLE.
JUDGE.
and after thinking for about the same time Carrie lasts in bed (i.e. maybe 4 minutes) it finally hit me.
and assign real housewives to every judge!
Carrie as Kim Zolciak
Kim Zolciak is living confirmation that you too can be handed all your dreams even if you’re a complete f***ing mess. The relation between her and Carrie is both may think their singing ~feelslikeadream~ but it’s actually THIS.
TheOnlyOne as LuAnn de Lesseps
Self-explanatory.
DripDrip as Leanne Brown
Drip, like Leanne, is nice enough but poor old Leanne spent her first two seasons as Dawn Ward’s literal lapdog and when looking back at ADR’s first two seasons… well I think you get the correlation between the two. Although, like Leanne nowadays in RHOCheshire, Drip is now a STRONG GAY WOMAN. Her S3 tagline says it all:
Aciid Rose as Kristen Taekman
Not even sorry about it. Aciid’s typos and lack of anything other than being a fashion mouthpiece made this a no brainer. At least he isn't married to a jerk like Kristen is though... yet.
Carbön as Gamble Wolfe
Ironic tagline given how S2 ended. Gamble spent her whole first season a minion and total fangirl of Gina much how Carbön spent his ADR season a fanboy of Aciid.
C/H/A/N/E/L as Bethenny Frankel
Bethenny is not likeable outright, just because I find her energy too intense and her priorities kind of weird, that comes with her being just so relentlessly type A and high-strung. She wears all of her trauma in her love life and her family life and her business like a badge much like our C/H/A/N/E/L does though. I’d compare Bethenny vs Kelly to C/H/A/N/E/L vs Evita because if THIS ( https://youtu.be/ziNofZYNrlE?t=7m8s ) doesn’t reflect their constant arguing I don’t know what does.
Well that's it folks, hope you all had a swell time. Citrus will be doing his Shane Dawson impersonation as the after-show but you can find me at the nearest street corner bribing Drip instead.
For my Latex Realness I'm giving you latex geisha. In between the other queen's acts I am bringing an essence of karyūkai to the audience to keep them entertained. Who knew the venue was also in a hanamachi? My hair is 芸, my makeup is 強 and my dress is 完璧 while I perform odori.
Allure
