[Jackson]

ΔLL SØNGS

Vision – Gone With the Breeze
Have you ever heard Words by Skylar Grey? Probably not but you should look it up, because this is basically a rewrite of it (and I love that). To get the minor flaws out of the way, I didn’t like the name inclusion and didn’t really think it added any personal elements to the song as I’m sure you intended it to. I liked the meaning behind “your spirit will blow with me forever” but I didn’t think the line was phrased as powerfully as it could have been. The change from “to” to “I’ll” in the final chorus wasn’t significant enough to warrant the change (this goes for the rest of the lyric changes as well apart from the “start a new beginning” line). I would have preferred a more uniform “to” throughout the song as it helps it flow better grammatically anyways. Beyond that, this was a great extension of your self-portrait round style. You didn’t hide behind big words and metaphors, yet you kept the imagery in the song vibrant all without venturing into the realm of cliché. It was extremely confessional. I loved the regret in the lines “I thought you were weak for letting go/But I was too young to understand”. Thematically I wouldn’t tell you to change anything in the future, and your execution was great. Your main flaws here were more technical, so my advice would be to look at every line in depth and decide if it’s worth including. In a perfect song every line will be essential and every word will have meaning, and as we near the latter part of the competition one or two lines could be the difference between staying and going home.


Nait Phoenix – II.
Are you kidding me? II is idiom central! Not that that’s a bad thing though. I love idioms as you know . The biggest problem here, as it was in your self-portrait song, is that your highly metaphorical language often becomes so high-concept that it starts to lose meaning. I find it ironic that you were trashing Katy for this exact same thing because I find you two to have similar styles lyrically . Just like “this is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me” loses meaning because it’s so relatable that it loses any sense of personality, “trying to find a home/without a place to call my own” has the exact same effect. You’re probably gonna hate me for saying that but remember I’m a Katy stan so this is like backhanded praise. Technically this song was extremely on point. The entire flow was great. It was hard for me to stop and decipher the meanings of each line because the flow was so smooth I didn’t want to stop reading. The villain/penicillin line was a little cringey but I’m going to overlook it. It’s obvious you have the basics of songwriting down and have written some pretty advanced things, but for the purposes of this competition you need to let us inside your head more, or at least be willing to translate the vivid, abstract thoughts in your mind into something more concrete while elevating your imagery into something more personal simultaneously. That sounds like two conflicting pieces of advice, but like all things it’s a balance.


Hugamari – What a Beautiful Sight
Emotionally this was IT. From the songs you’ve written this season I’d expect you to be a midwife or something. I’m not sure what your fascination with birth is but I’m really feeling these songs and you know exactly what types of songs the judges like . There were definitely a lot of awkward lines still. I didn’t like the line “But you proved them wrong with your own hands”. I get the message you’re trying to convey of the father having to work hard to do both parents’ jobs but it could have been written better. Even though I live for nonsensical imagery the line “If I’m your light, then you’re my stars” didn’t seem to have any actual meaning and doesn’t make much sense considering stars are pretty dim lights themselves that are usually outshone by all other sources of light. I did like the juxtaposition of “strong and firm” and “soft and warm” in the prechorus and the allusion to Welcome to the World, although without the context of The Life I Could’ve Known that line doesn’t really offer much (without the context of what that song means I would have no idea it refers to adoption). You definitely know how to play our emotions, but your songs often lack that special IT factor that bump them up from a consistent top 10 streak to a string of #1’s. The gentleness of your songs often works in their favor, but seek out some sort of emotional or lyrical gut punch in the future in order to really win us all over.


TheCheetahWings – Release
Reading this the first time through I was only half paying attention and had my mind on something else, and reading it at face value like that made me realize most of this is full of pretty familiar language. Reading it again made me like the song much more, but it’s still an issue when each line has little meaning at face value and the vague pieces need the context of the lines around them to fit together. It was difficult to understand exactly what the song meant. It looks as if it’s a song about cheating and a song about deciding between a man and a woman simultaneously, yet it fails to evoke much emotion in either situation. Furthermore, it held more of a melancholy tone filled with a need to escape than I would associate with the key words you were given. Strangely, some of my favorite lines were the most emotionally detached ones, because while they lacked emotional significance I felt more of you as an artist in them (“Your voice was lost in a melody” and “Silence protects you from harm”). In a situation such as this one is not usually calm and typically projects more hysterical emotion. I think your song could have benefitted from either capturing that emotion or using a more original concept or metaphor to convey the themes of your song, because as they are they’re a bit emotionally void.


Achilles. – Paint by Number
You focused a bit too much on the gimmick of the song. I’ll admit I didn’t know what “paint me by number” meant at first but thanks to google I’m now educated. Anyways, the mention of each color in the verses made them seem filler. They did their job supporting the chorus, but there was little substance and much of it felt contrived. The chorus itself was good, and I liked the ABCBDB… rhyme scheme which you pulled off without any awkward rhymes. The bridge was one of your stronger sections this entire season. Even with a fully realized metaphor in the mix it retained its emotional value with great success. You fulfilled the challenge well as well. As far as signs go you chose one of the harder ones but you pulled it off well by being critical of yourself while also analyzing others and adding a light element of sophistication in the language and themes. This was definitely one of your better entries this season, and hopefully a sign of you beginning to Rise (available on iTunes) up to the potential I saw in you last season. To sum up my review, the chorus and bridge were strong but the verses were lacking and felt filler. Like I told Vision, each line and each sections counts. You can’t afford to be having entire filler verses at this point in the competition. Look at every single line and make sure it’s worth it and needs to be part of the song.


CountryBritney – Constellations
Your concept was amazing. The whole space thing can be overdone sometimes but the idea of completing a constellation was something I haven’t seen before personally and it was beautiful. Unfortunately your execution could have been a little better. Beginning in the first verse, “Made to seem like a fool by heroes she once adored” read awkwardly. Words like “fool” and “bear” dragged the song down a little, making them seem try-hard and contrived in a college essay type way. Your strengths still lie in your complete, raw honesty such as in lines like “trusting came so easily/until their lies eclipsed the beauty of her soul”. The chorus was phenomenal and was really the only fully realized portion of the song. I loved every single line and thought each one contributed greatly to the meaning and atmosphere of the song. “Complete her constellation”, “stars in her mind get lost in translation”, and “his heart will reflect how she sees the universe” are all 10/10 lines. I’m glad you’re continuing to try new things, and you’re starting to realize that sometimes experimentation works and sometimes it doesn’t. I think you’re still doing well enough in the competition to continue to try new things. Mostly I’d like you to look at each line and make sure it’s phrased in the best way possible so you can communicate your amazing ideas in exactly the way you want to and in exactly the way that will be best received by the judges.


Musickid203 – Handle You
You reverted back to almost a round one or two entry here. The phrasing of the lines was awkward. The flow was all over the places, and there were a ton of strangely phrased lines or cringey phrases (“Drippin lime ice and I want all your cream”, “It involves satin sheets and me blessing your skin”). A lot of the lines here suffered from being a few syllables too long or out of order with the lines around them. I think Dylobs had an almost identical “thigh” line at the beginning of the season and the line is just as weird here. This was also strange in that it was simultaneously sweet and extremely vulgar. Personally I prefer vulgar songs that are suggestive in a more subtle manner instead of using the vulgarity as an in your face type gimmick, and that gimmick wasn’t pulled off especially well either. It was hard to focus on the concepts of the song when the technical issues were so glaring. Make sure every line is phrased correctly to avoid awkward lines. Make sure the flow (meter/stressing/structure) of the song is on point every week and the meanings behind the song will shine a lot brighter. Additionally, the emotion here was masked under superfluous double-entendres that made it hard to see any of your personality in the song.


feelslikeadream – No Limit
I don’t know if this was purposeful, but the songwriting here was generally pretty lazy. Almost the entirety of the song suffered from lazy rhymes and familiar lines (“getting close to you”, “you shined so bright”, “you’re all mine, by my side” to pick from the first verse alone). The tattooed name on the chest line made me scream in a not-so-good way. The only line in the whole song I really enjoyed was “I built this house, built this bed for two/I built this city for me and you” even if the me and you part was . The plot twist near the end of the song was a bit strange as well and didn’t really add anything to the song other than a sense of confusion. Basically this feels like something a third grader getting abused at home would write in their journal only to have their teacher find it weeks later and turn it over to child protective services. If you still want to stay in the competition you need to write a little more creatively and not just stitch together lines that have been said hundreds of times before with awkward rhymes tacked onto the end. Thanks for providing a recording to go alone with the song too. The “there’s no limit” part was kinda catchy but obviously it’s not Potsticker!


Citrus – Washington
Good LORD this essay. Well, this was the second song this season that made me shed a tear after To, and while it wasn’t an outright downpour like it was with the former song, this really touched me too. I love how versatile of a writer you are. You can churn out comedy songs, emotional ballads, and higher concept stories in what feels like the same breath. To pick out a few flaws, a few of the reference felt clunky (as they often do in your songs) such as the Federal Reserve line and the reference to the Exorcist. Here they stick out because they don’t fit the overall romantic mood of the song (the Federal Reserve feels too formal and the Exorcist too harsh) while the other references do their job to set up the setting of the song while keeping the mood intact. I didn’t even mind the length of the lines in the end because they still flowed well, and while they were extremely descriptive it never felt as though you were forcing words into a line. I LOVED the lines “Will it ever feel the same again, waking up in Washington?/I hope you wake up to a better man” and I felt the new, changed lines in the final chorus were much stronger than the first two. “Knowing you were a chapter, not a story” was very powerful. If you continue to include all these random references, make sure every single one counts and is essential to the progression of the story rather than throwing them in for good measure. I still find your songs very literal, which is fine when paired with your strong storytelling skills, but I’d like to see you be more conceptual if the opportunity arises in the future. Overall this was a great entry and one of my favorites from you. Also thanks for writing a song for the BEST sign


Moonchild – Moonchild
Your Fergalicious is here! To get minor stressing things out of the way, the “hold more” line flowed differently than the rest of the verse and “The only place that I call mine” would fine flowed better to fit the meter of the rest of the verse. Apart from those minor qualms this song flowed PERFECTLY. It was fun to read and almost mimicked what I would feel being the flow of the night. The lines were short, mysterious, descriptive, and cool in nature. You captured the essence of your sign perfectly. The meaning of the song was a bit difficult to decipher. From what I could tell it seemed as though the song’s subject was dying, although it’s never explicitly clear what the cause is (self-inflicted or natural). Your imagery was incredibly strong and set up the mood and emotion of the song extremely well, but I would have appreciated stronger storytelling elements as well such as those teased in the second verse, or at least something that would have made the themes of the song a bit clearer. My favorite lines here were “Dreaming dreams more real than life” and the first few lines of the second verse. I liked the use of third person here as well and thought it contributed to the more mysterious feel of the song have some form of detachment between the narrator and the subject of the song.

[CountryBritney]

Thank you Jackson! Really happy with that review!

[Cupid]

Thanks for the rihview, I agree about the little changes, I did actually change most of that and tried to resend but the server was trash so I was too late past the deadline.

[Cupid]

I'm also shook for the next round, I hope there isn't a sign ups again.

[Jackson]

thanks

lemme go read the other rihviews now

[TheCheetahwings]

TheCheetahWings – Release
Reading this the first time through I was only half paying attention and had my mind on something else, and reading it at face value like that made me realize most of this is full of pretty familiar language. Reading it again made me like the song much more, but it’s still an issue when each line has little meaning at face value and the vague pieces need the context of the lines around them to fit together. It was difficult to understand exactly what the song meant. It looks as if it’s a song about cheating and a song about deciding between a man and a woman simultaneously, yet it fails to evoke much emotion in either situation. Furthermore, it held more of a melancholy tone filled with a need to escape than I would associate with the key words you were given. Strangely, some of my favorite lines were the most emotionally detached ones, because while they lacked emotional significance I felt more of you as an artist in them (“Your voice was lost in a melody” and “Silence protects you from harm”). In a situation such as this one is not usually calm and typically projects more hysterical emotion. I think your song could have benefited from either capturing that emotion or using a more original concept or metaphor to convey the themes of your song, because as they are they’re a bit emotionally void.

Yeah, I get what you mean w/the familiar language. As for it being emotionally detached, I feel like a lot of my songs end up like that and I'm definitely trying in the future to improve on that I'm glad you seemed to like it a little at least.

[Cupid]

this feels like something a third grader getting abused at home would write in their journal only to have their teacher find it weeks later and turn it over to child protective services


Omg fefe

[keshaspearsxo]

My three keywords I used were:

girl wth is this you left that **** blank. I'm mad that y'all had to make me open another tab

[Temporal]

Vision, can you give me a second OP post? I'm about to go over 25k

[keshaspearsxo]

What page was the challenge on

[Temporal]

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

girl wth is this you left that **** blank. I'm mad that y'all had to make me open another tab

ddd, I did ask what his words were and he said Initiative, Leading and Assertive, but it came back so late I had to ignore it

[Citrus]

Moonchild told me that you wouldn't be here for the Federal Reserve or Excorcist parts but I didn't listen

[keshaspearsxo]

Originally posted by Temporal

ddd, I did ask what his words were and he said Initiative, Leading and Assertive, but it came back so late I had to ignore it

Thank you mama

I have like less than an hour before I go out lemme see if I can finish these reviews if not I'll just send you scores and then post the reviews later

ps. I found the challenge post

[Citrus]

I love how we all just collectively stopped trying to decipher Temporal's hints

[8thPrince]

I am a diamond
Got that flash and fi-ya
I got that brilliance
I am a diamond

[keshaspearsxo]

Originally posted by Citrus

Moonchild told me that you wouldn't be here for the Federal Reserve or Excorcist parts but I didn't listen

Well Mama I liked them. It put personality into your storyline rather than it just being more generic, vague and featureless narrative

[Temporal]

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

What page was the challenge on

P. 804, I just updated the quick links in the OP

Originally posted by Citrus

I love how we all just collectively stopped trying to decipher Temporal's hints

Right

[Tymps.]

Someone critique my new song http://vocaroo.com/i/s17Zf8golEnY

[keshaspearsxo]

Achilles. - Paint by Colour
There are some parts here that I really enjoy - the chorus I think is great, particularly the first half, in which I love the rhyme. I also love the additional lines that were added as the song went on - particularly the last one, which worked very nicely as the closing line of the song. I think the bridge is really great too, I have zero issues with either. You definitely stepped up your song's flow from last week, so thank you. I felt it was especially strong in the chorus and the verses. I completely adored how you used the word cactoid as an adjective, I don't even know if that's a real word but that was SO unique and sickening. My favourite lyric in my whole of judging thus far I have to say. I feel like it could be a controversial one on the panel, but whatever the others say I loved it and I'm definitely going to think about that statement a lot. . Personally, I don't like the colour theme - to me it's a little corny, but that's a detail I can overlook somewhat because it wasn't overly relied on and you had a lot of shining moments set aside from the colour references. I do think the story could've been a little more focused, maybe a little bit of backstory for understanding in the beginning, or even in the end as an outro would've helped, because it felt slightly vague to me. It hindered your song a little bit.

feelslikeadream - No Limit
I thought the story was really interesting, and had some great moments eg. the closing line of the second verse, but at other points it was just average, as in the chorus, and parts of the verses (e.g. the first half of the first verse and second verses). The idea was really there, but I didn't much enjoy the execution. The parts that were most interesting were definitely the more sinister sections, and I think it would've served your song better if those moments were deeper and more frequent as opposed to the rest. Though I did think the bridge really complimented the chorus well, though the I belong to you line probably would've worked better as You belong to me, perhaps? In general, it falls a little flat in comparison to your last entry which was my favourite. The writing is polished as ever, but the theme was not really it.

Nait Phoenix - 11.
Interestingly, after you spent yesterday dragging Katy Perry for her lyrics, I find yours here kind of similar. There's a lot of very unremarkable sayings throughout: "trying to find a home without a place to call my own", being alone, lightning, fire, reach inside and pray, send me a guide, etc. The chorus, I thought, was really quite dreadful, and many of the rhymes were similar in nature - i'm not really one to call out rhymes or whatever but the use of lightning/frightening, penicillin/villain were absolutely awful. That said, I adored the second verse, I just wish the rest were a little more like that. Your language there was really great and really engaged with me, the reader. The rest, though, felt like quite a jumble of mixed ideas, and the length was really not needed. It surely served 'mental' but not in good ways. I would definitely say this needs polishing and cleaning up. It's like you came on yourself and decided to send me a picture of it.

TheCheetahwings - Release
I hate when stanza's are 5 lines long. Just hate them. Didn't affect my judging of your song, but they never work for me and I don't understand why people write in that structure - either do 4 or 8. In general this is rather beige for me. No particular part sparks my interest or jumps out to me as being amazing - though the chorus is definitely the best part. The long itself is not awful or bad in any way, it's just overwhelmingly average, and honestly I didn't see the relation to any of libra's key words. The verses, and the story in general, is an issue. It's really quite superficial and, at this point where you all stand as the top 10, and people are taking risks or writing really emotionally charged pieces or have great conceptual ideas - something like this falls flat. It probably works well in the earlier rounds, but I think you need to step it up a little at this point. Really, it'd be good to see you find a unique voice or style than your could really excel in. Finding your area where you are really good in like that is quite hard, but you'll find it eventually if you keep trying bigger and more interesting ideas and try to reach heights. The advice I would really want to give to you is that, you should never really feel comfortable or safe with an entry - this to me feels a little safe and average. You should really aim to better yourself every week and go for bigger and better things. I hope you make it through to next week as a chance to try that.

Musickid203 - Handle You
Absolutely not. Read my review of Citrus last week. This isn't top 10 material in the slightest. On the plus side you kind of fit the buzzwords you chose supposedly but that doesn't stop this being laughably awful.
Delete the whole thing.

[keshaspearsxo]

My average is about 6.3 so a whole +1 on last week