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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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BMI of each person
I'm gonna win
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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All Reviews
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1. Vision - Gone With the Breeze
Taurus
You're back to serving again! This was excellent, you're probably the strongest emotional writer in the game at this point. The overarching issue with this was that the tense kept shifting from past to present between and within the different parts of the song which made the flow breakdown slightly. There were also a few minor hiccups in this: some word choices were weird - Fresh sun, Your spirit will blow with me forever - and the very talky and straightforward "Maybe I was born stubborn / Or i'm just extremely selfish." I also think this should've been "Gone With the Wind" even though it's the name of the iconic film, because "breeze" isn't as strong of an image or word as "wind." If you can't tell, those are all nitpicks, you did good, you hog faced ****.
2. Nait Phoenix - II.
Gemini
Definitely my biggest issue with you at this point is that your songs are a bit of sensory overload. There are so many images and ideas coming in and out throughout the song that it's hard to feel grounded by any idea or image in it. I do think you succeeded in the challenge by describing/utilizing the Gemini keywords, but there wasn't anything beyond that level for me. I also found the repetition of the first and second verse at the end unnecessary, though I understand you were trying to incorporate "talkative" there. I liked this, but I don't like walking away from a song feeling like I haven't taken away everything that I should've.
3. Hugamari - What a Beautiful Sight
Cancer
I have mixed feelings about this. I liked the idea and the sentiment, and the challenge execution was on point, but there wasn't enough substance here (and some of your word choices were awkward, i.e. "Soft" and "Firm"). The lack of direction was by far the biggest issue: there wasn't any climax when this piece REALLY needed one, the lack of a bridge here was really jarring when I wanted the son and daughter(?) to speak together and not just on their own (or maybe have the mother talk too). This wasn't the right piece to cut short; development here was really needed.
4. TheCheetahWings - Release
Libra
The first stanza of the first verse, the concept, the incorporation of the words  Nice job. I want to make sure I have this plot down though: was it about a male having to decide between a boy and a girl (or at least the narrator was stuck between a boy and a girl)? I liked the indecisive nature of this and not wanting to have to choose, but I'm not 100% on what the narrator was having to decide on. As for the lyrics themselves, the second verse was definitely the low point of this song, though, there weren't any images and there was a severe lack of adjectives so that it became really bland and not lyric-y enough. I don't think you needed both a pre-chorus and a post-chorus since all the other structures were at full length, especially when those parts just boiled down to "All I want is a release" (A refrain that I really enjoyed); this piece overall was a bit dense. I'm still waiting for you to snatch me again, but you're definitely back on an upward trajectory (don't **** it up again).
5. Achilles - Paint by Color
Virgo
Hm. I think your concept exceeded your execution. I like that you tried incorporating lines with different colors, but it wasn't natural at all. The second verse, for example, was really disjointed by the lack of connection between the "black belt" idea and the "green thumb" one. You tried to hard to work the colors into the song without considering how the song functioned outside of your concept. I found it hard to believe that your narrator had a purple heart, a black belt, and a green thumb unless you had multiple narrators in which case you didn't highlight that at all. Aside from the verses, however, the other structures were pretty pleasant, but this was REALLY bogged down by the verses.
6. CountryBritney - Constellations
Pisces
I know you've adopted a pretty poetic style recently, but there were a lot of clunky and verbose lyrics here. "Until their lies eclipsed the beauty of her soul" for example was a no. The chorus and bridge highlighted this issue as well, trying to read them out loud was a mouthful. For example, "Loving comes to her as naturally as a bird must sing at dawn" could've been cut down to "Loving comes to her like a bird singing at dawn" or something like that. You're writing song lyrics, not a sonnet! Some of the ideas here were really pretty, as were a handful of lyrics (ex. "She uses the night sky as a canvas for her dreams") but you were doing far too much with the style for my taste.
7. Musickid203 - Handle You
Aries
This was too salacious and corny. You can make overly sexual lyrics work when you don't take them too seriously - see Cupcakke - but when you’re writing lines like "you're my favorite type of meat" and "Drippin like ice and I want all your cream" seemingly seriously, I can't help but cringe. If you were going for something Cupcakke-y, then you were too ambiguous about it, with the Chorus lacking any of that quirk. The chorus was decent, but everything else was not stepping up to even that bar. You need to make sure that your tone, imagery, and content all compliment each other appropriately, not work against each other.
8. feelslikeadream - No Limit
Scorpio
You've nailed the cute lovey dovey song (mostly). The chorus was pretty flawless, but the verses didn't function at that level. "Best/Chest" made me roll my eyes, and "Your hands are so strong / Your love is the best" was a really weird couplet. I think that the dark undertones peaked out a bit too strong in the "bark/bite" line and the "That’s why he hasn’t been seen in days…" one. You almost had this double entendre going where the song was purely cute, but those two lines, mainly the latter, disrupted that. This was more of an average/below average week for you, which still isn't bad.
9. Citrus - Washington
Leo
I was really intrigued by your title; I liked it, and this overall. I loved the narration and all the references to DC (my dad lived there for two years so I got them pretty well). My biggest problem was that the chorus was pretty choppy: "The rent here’s not the highest cost, it’s thinking of the pages lost / When I closed our book and put it on the shelf" was really clunky with the second line essentially split in two, and the really weird construing of that first line. The last three lines of the chorus were also pretty jarring as well (especially the last line), they felt like three completely independent lines as opposed to three parts of a whole. The "exorcist" rhyme felt a bit unnatural as well.
10. Moonchild - Moonchild
Aquarius
So I liked this, but I won't lie, I am quite perplexed by it. I got the first verse, I think I got the second, and most of the chorus, but the bridge and some lines in the chorus confused me. What did you mean by "The stars of his mind" and why were you "sorry" that "he'll" see you soon? "Before I felt dead in the end / You said I could do it all some day / But some shadows don't go away", what was the end? What are the shadows? What were you not doing already? I felt like I had a lot more questions than answers with this piece. It was just too vague. I really liked the style and atmosphere of it, as well as the lyrics at face value, AND you did a good job with the challenge, but I can't help but feel lost with this.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
BMI of each person
I'm gonna win
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welp i know who's going to be the rigged elimination of the week now
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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I can't rhyme wind leave me alone fats
I'm p sure my edited version was better, did you get my pm
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
I can't rhyme wind leave me alone fats
I'm p sure my edited version was better, did you get my pm
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Yeah, I would've had to count it as a late submission 
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Justice for Vision
Oh well at least I didn't change much so I guess it doesn't matter
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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you're probably the strongest emotional writer in the game at this point.
Wait at this praise though 👏🏻💩👅💋💯🍆💦
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
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The first stanza of the first verse, the concept, the incorporation of the words Nice job. I want to make sure I have this plot down though: was it about a male having to decide between a boy and a girl (or at least the narrator was stuck between a boy and a girl)? I liked the indecisive nature of this and not wanting to have to choose, but I'm not 100% on what the narrator was having to decide on. As for the lyrics themselves, the second verse was definitely the low point of this song, though, there weren't any images and there was a severe lack of adjectives so that it became really bland and not lyric-y enough. I don't think you needed both a pre-chorus and a post-chorus since all the other structures were at full length, especially when those parts just boiled down to "All I want is a release" (A refrain that I really enjoyed); this piece overall was a bit dense. I'm still waiting for you to snatch me again, but you're definitely back on an upward trajectory (don't **** it up again).
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Yep, that's pmuch the plot  Basically the guy was stuck between a guy and girl & then the narrator was stuck between wanting to stay with the guy even though he knows about the girl now or leaving the guy (also includes the just/kind/fair/etc. parts of Libra cause he wants to do what's right) I'm glad you liked it though  Hopefully if I make it through the next round I can continue to improve 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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I got 6 reviews done tonight, I'll just finish the last 4 in the morning so I don't clash with Hunter's reviews. Night hoes
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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So one of the judges told me I was too poetic, and the other told me I wasn't poetic enough, fml. 
Fairly happy with my reviews though, at least I didn't get dragged to high heavens this time.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Chorus is supposed to be AACBBC rhyme style, with the As and Bs in the same line. I did that so it read quicker, but I can see how it's hard to get the rhythm.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Not me leaving to run 9 miles, coming home to make steak and eggs, and no new replies. Flop game!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
I like Britney's music for the most part, but the over the top reactions and screams of "GODNEY" to anything she does when she doesn't have half the talent of mortally wounded goat makes me rebuke her a bit.
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
coming home to make steak and eggs
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That sounds so good
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by mxtthewdelrey
That sounds so good
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I love cooking. If you're ever in Ohio HMU and I'll make you breakfast 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Kii I didn't even read the thread these last few days, but figured I'd stop by to see reviews.
Pears gon pull me through this one.  Glad you thought so highly of my entry!
And even though I didn't quote it, I'll respond to Temporal's review too. The reason I made mine short is...well, for lack of better excuse, I couldn't think of anything to add. I could've added the mother's perspective to the story into this song, but...yeah that's what my intro was. Maybe she could've said something about how proud she was of her son, but...I really didn't know how to add *anything* without it dragging the rest of the song down. A few bad lines kill a great song!...or drag a mediocre one further down the pits, depending on what you thought. I felt it'd be better to keep it short and consistent. Song length has been a big thing for you judging from your reviews, though, and I will definitely keep it in mind should I be around next week.
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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"Sensory overload…" Yep, that's us…
Judging by my review, I pretty much made the Gemini song: feeling confused but liking it, not entirely sure if we made sense or not — welcome to my mind! 
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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My song was designed to be dark/sinister. It starts sweet, but then you realize the speaker is a biT unhinged in ha obsession of this person, which builds subtly in the verses, then gets more threatening in the bridge. The first verse talks about following the dude home, so I thought it was clear this wasn't healthy. Also, tattooing the name on the chest is legit my fave part  SoOoO creepy! But I'll take average (as long as we're not talking d) 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by CountryBritney
So one of the judges told me I was too poetic, and the other told me I wasn't poetic enough, fml.
Fairly happy with my reviews though, at least I didn't get dragged to high heavens this time. |
I don't think he was necessarily saying you needed to be less poetic, just that the lines were clunky. I also said that I thought the lines could've been reworded better so it seems we generally had the same idea.
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Didn't even realize pears put up their reviews… then see it's not finished… 
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