I tried to change
closed my mouth more
tried to be soft
prettier
less awake
fasted for sixty days
wore white
abstained from mirrors
abstained from sex
slowly did not speak another word
in that time my hair grew past my ankles
I slept on a mat, on the floor
I swallowed a sword
I levitated
I went into the basement
confessed my sins and was baptized in a river
got on my knees and said "amen" and said "I mean"
I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet
I threw myself into a volcano
I drank the blood and drank the wine
I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God
I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil
I grew thickened skin on my feet
I bathed in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the holy book
but still inside me, coiled deep, was the need to know:
are you cheating on me?