| |
Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
All Reviews
Quote:
Vision –
Unfortunately, the central personification you employ here be describing your heart as truant doesn’t work. It’s much too specific of a word, and doesn’t represent being emotionally closed off in the way you want it to, with it mainly being used to refer to students. I think voicing was my main problem with the piece: especially the weirdness in how you use AAVE and contractions out of nowhere to signify the start of the rap verse, rather than any actual cleverness or extended toying with the meter. It’s pretty awkward and reads as much of a phone-in as most pop-rap verses, something you shouldn’t be trying to emulate. If you want to dip into styles like this, I suggest you find more original ways the separate your voices.
Hugamari –
Haha, when I said darker I was talking more about drawing from negative feelings rather than simply invoking dark scenarios. Anyways this was highly entertaining to see from you, it was cute! I didn’t feel particularly threatened, however, as this is still fairly benign and soft. A bit typical by hitting common sociopath indicators, but I think focusing on a mass murderer had potential. You picked the right scenario and narrative, but I still don’t feel you’ve learned how to describe more dour or unsettling scenes in ways that aren’t edgeless. “Their innocence is mine to take”, “scream in pain”, life slipping out of eyes, etc. are all well-established lines, you need to make things a bit more vivid than that. I’d suggest you look at Michael Gira’s lyrics: dude really knows how to write ****ed up sentiments in ways that aren’t Cartoon Villain-esque, which you veer on quite a lot. While I don’t think you have to write dark songs to excel as a writer, if I could describe your songs this season, they’re all fuzzy and warm watercolor paintings, with a lack of clear, gritty details. Your tones and emotional palette are limited. This gave me the same impression, though I appreciate your efforts this week.
Citrus –
Starts out slow, gets ****ing brilliant at the second verse. I’m surprised you pulled this off, it was a riot. Actually reminds me of Cupcakke with how clever the details get. “Cum like a tear-tat on my cheek”, hahaha. A laugh-a-minute, great job.
Nait Phoenix –
I was hoping to be able to wrap my head around this, but it seems like I overestimated myself! I know you want to give an explanation, but being less esoteric in the first place might’ve helped us to better understand your message, not just relying on us to hazily make out a connection to recent events with the verses and prechoruses. I will say I liked your use of the quintrain in the verses.
CountryBritney –
Nobody likes being talked at pro-one thing or anti-another, especially if they’re being talked at in a manner that’s not entertaining. You had a message you wanted to get across here, and that’s cool, but it’s delivered in a classic “high-school/college student writes dry persuasive essay about how [Social Issue X] is good/bad” format. It’s the mother’s “put down your phone” squabble extended into a pop song, and it’s just not delivered in a fun or attractive way. I want you to keep in mind that if you DO want to write about social issues, it’s always going to appeal more to audiences if you make them laugh and don’t just lecture them. Nobody thinks that’s fun.
Tylerbv –
The danger of using a structure of just repeating verses is that they begin to look very similar and repetitive, and just become a chore to read. If the tedium induced from reading this dynamics-free piece was an intentional choice to make us sympathize with the boredom of your character, I could ALMOST praise it for being clever. Still, it wouldn’t hold up as a song, and would barely hold up as a traditional poem as well, it’s definitely more avant-garde and closer to concrete poetry.
Slice-of-life writing, even if about insignificant stuff, can’t be trivial itself. It still needs to be fun to read. There are small, small nuggets of attempts at humor here to break up the monotony, but they’re still covered in layers and layers of gray mush.
Achilles. –
Again, songs about typical, unremarkable everyday stuff don’t need to be unremarkable and trivial themselves. You need to find a way to inject some semblance of charm when you cover this kind of stuff, otherwise I have no reason to care about this random mother.
Musickid203 –
I think you overloaded on abuse clichés and piling on metaphors to pad out your song. You could’ve dug deeper into the factors that lead someone to stay in this relationship. Additionally, a greater focus on the emotional effects of the abuse would’ve been appreciated. I know the song is titled black and blue, but a look past this physical layer is sort of necessity with these types of narratives. The metaphors obscure the inner most thoughts of your character.
Additionally, this is quite rough for an entry so late into the competition: you should really be more meticulous in getting at least similar stressing between your lines (By the way I swear I’ve read this song before!).
Feelslikeadream –
It’s perfectly acceptable but ultimately feels a bit familiar. Both familiar to what you usually write, and in regards to the concept of filling new places with memories/the feeling of home, which I swear I’ve already seen used in that exact manner in a song before (Right down to referring to these experiences as “Spaces”.). Not terribly original and not terrible, this doesn’t really register with me. I do like the parallelism you use with references to distance in the verses, that is a bit more interesting, at least.
theCheetahWings –
I enjoyed your experimentation with an unusual scheme and structure in this round, what with the sestets and heavy repetition. The song is competent, even though it blends into the background for me. While this is more typically your style, the presentation certainly helps to spice it up a little. For now, I suggest you keep taking calculated risks with your structure such as you did here, it helps to make your pieces stand out.
Moonchild –
Despite how heavily you were joshed over your concepts before the season started, you’ve made a good show of adopting different styles for your different pieces. You’re especially adept at imitating other artists. I quite like the casual vulgarity of the first verse. The passive tone persists throughout the piece, which I appreciated, but I felt like the voice in the first verse really made it pop out. The parts that follow loose that edge. I suggest if you do craft character like that in a voice, you make sure it translates throughout the wholesong.
Dylobs –
Appreciate you digging into a topic that matters to you!
This is VERY Mariah. Unfortunately, I definitely think that’s a weakness in this case: her style and use of language is quite detached and clinical, something I’ve knocked you for before. It doesn’t help that this sort of language is used in a personal song. Some of the choices of diction are so outlandish that it gets hard to take seriously, in all honesty (“Chlorinate” being the most obvious example.). You need to find a sweet spot where you come off as warm and down to earth, not aloof. This song is almost unhuman in how flat the emotional charge is.
|
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
|
BTW I'm writing a straight love song right now
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
Not me being emotionless here too  Thanks for all the reviews guys! Especially 8th for not calling it a troll entry 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Debating whether to do results at 4 or 5PM EST based on when I expect my ass to wake up
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Not me being emotionless here too Thanks for all the reviews guys! Especially 8th for not calling it a troll entry
|
Poor Asians, they can't win. Not on Grindr, and certainly not in PH. Racism needs to end y'all!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
|
Wait at Matty finally having a pretty avi
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
|
Thank you for your review, 8th!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Wait at Matty finally having a pretty avi
|
She's single, maybe you can match with her on Tinder
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Matty's AVI does slay damn
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
|
When you have writer's block for 2 months and the suddenly write 2 songs in one night #Companion #SlowNSteady
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
|
Sparks turn to fireworks
Flares turn to Vegas nights
Love bright like morning's kiss
Over the oceanside
Eternity always felt incomplete
Before you stumbled my way
Accept my demise that I'll love you for life
And I'm stuck in your ways
I love nonsensical imagery 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Finished the BB chart, I don't think there are any typos this week! 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
|
Stop the Vision hate 2k12
KONY
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Matty's AVI does slay damn
|
Where's Sam to praise it?
Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Sparks turn to fireworks
Flares turn to Vegas nights
Love bright like morning's kiss
Over the oceanside
Eternity always felt incomplete
Before you stumbled my way
Accept my demise that I'll love you for life
And I'm stuck in your ways
I love nonsensical imagery |
Serving Temporal teas! I love the first stanza tbh
Keep the rest
Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Finished the BB chart, I don't think there are any typos this week! |
There's a first for everything! Congrats king!
|
|
|
|
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
|
Trying to get this stranger out my bed but he won't wake up
I think it's Vulnicura let me call Bjork a flop and see if he wakes up
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
Stop the Vision hate 2k12
KONY
|
Rooting for you to win ngl
Love your avi btw! Marina's best song besides half of EH
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
Trying to get this stranger out my bed but he won't wake up
I think it's Vulnicura let me call Bjork a flop and see if he wakes up
|
Just say your boyfriend called and he'll be home in 5 minutes and he'll be gone with a quickness
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
|
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
|
|
|
|
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
|
Why is he wearing a jock strap
Who does that
Yas stan for Marina tho
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
Trying to get this stranger out my bed but he won't wake up
I think it's Vulnicura let me call Bjork a flop and see if he wakes up
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
