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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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BATCH TWØ
Quote:
feelslikeadream – DNA
I didn’t really like the combination of the odd structure/meter/rhyme scheme in the verses. It made each line feel a bit disjointed even though there was still a structure in place. It felt like you were going somewhere with the chorus but the last line in each stanza was far inferior to the rest. “Round” sounded forced and “rebellious irreverence” seemed out of place among simpler words. I loved your concept, however, and the execution was fairly good apart from a few mainly technical issues. I liked the progression of the story in the bridge.
Achilles. – Scapegoat
I liked this more than some of your recent songs, but there were still a few flaws. Thematically this was your most confessional piece this season, and I liked that change of pace. It appeared as if you let down your walls a little and I like that. The verses were fairly good, but I didn’t like the chorus at all. For the most part it’s just there, providing much more than filler words, and the “threw you to the dogs” line was the worst part of the whole song. The bridge was the highlight of the song, especially in the second half. The entirety of the second stanza includes probably all of your best lines this season. Lyrically they were fairly simple but held heavy emotional weight and read authentically. Had the song had a stronger chorus it could have been the best song this round, but without a strong chorus to tie everything together it felt lacking.
Musickid203 – Cheap Thrills
Come on, come on, turn the radio on, it’s Friday night and I won’t be long  . This song was interesting in that it was fairly good in every line you didn’t mention the word “pill”. The song started out on the wrong foot with the throttle/bottle rhyme and the filler words “life changing”. The chorus was beautifully simplistic apart from the last lines of each stanza which felt as if they were just thrown in for good measure. It was the same story in the bridge with the pills/chills line. Apart from that, this was a fairly solid entry with quite a few standout lines. The flow in the chorus was great. I loved “one gulp and I’m shaking hands with angels” especially 
Tylerbv – 17
Bish I have a song with this title too, dafuq? OK but this was your best entry the second week in the row. Once again, there’s a few imperfections, but it was much more song-like and consistent than anything else you’ve submitted as well as sounding more poetic. The concept was great and there were some amazing lines (“You’re all gonne love me when I’m high/And I’ll finally love myself too”). You should have excluded the bathroom floor line as well as the “tears” line in the chorus and “hoping” in the second verse. “Ragged” seemed unnecessary next to the word pill. The bridge was great, especially the last lines. And this is just a random note but “Who I Am Sober” would have been a cool alternative title for this.
Dylobs – Natural Disaster
No to the future/torture rhyme, as well as the laundry/see rhyme. You got a few things wrong in the stressing of those lines which made the rhymes seem forced and imperfect. Overall this felt like a typical entry from you, which isn’t a bad thing, but you were one of the select few that didn’t hugely shake up your style this week. Try going for something more organic and less conceptual in the future if you feel up to it, because the metaphors here took away some of the personal emotion here even though you said this is a theme you’ve dealt with extensively in your life. Apart from the emotional detachment, I loved the chorus and found it to have both striking imagery and catchy word choices.
TheCheetahWings – Wasteland
First of all you should know that Matty was trashing your song in the dubtrack hihi. This was better than his song at least, so you don't have to worry about that. Still, it was far from your strongest. While the AAAA rhyme scheme worked in your duet, here it seemed forced, especially in the chorus. I really liked your structure and the way you combined the two choruses at the end. I don't think that's anything I've seen in PH before and I may steal it. Thematically, the song was rather vague. I was hoping for something a little more personal and real life examples as opposed to a vague metaphor of a wasteland. You showed some actual progression in the song which is something we don't see a lot from you, so props for that.
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
I feel like we should get extra detailed response/reviews since we weren't USELESS in deciphering the clues
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Agreed. Jackson feel free to write me another paragraph! 
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Dylobs – Natural Disaster
No to the future/torture rhyme, as well as the laundry/see rhyme. You got a few things wrong in the stressing of those lines which made the rhymes seem forced and imperfect. Overall this felt like a typical entry from you, which isn’t a bad thing, but you were one of the select few that didn’t hugely shake up your style this week. Try going for something more organic and less conceptual in the future if you feel up to it, because the metaphors here took away some of the personal emotion here even though you said this is a theme you’ve dealt with extensively in your life. Apart from the emotional detachment, I loved the chorus and found it to have both striking imagery and catchy word choices.
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I agree with most HOWEVER what is wrong with future/torture pls? Like that seemed like one of the better rhymes 
Thanks Jackson and btw thanks Temporal. Even though I had a feaux melt down I appreciate the reviews!
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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Tylerbv's gonna snatch the crown in the end with his constant improving 
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
HiNTS
The One That Got Away
Vision
California Gurls
Citrus
Part of Me
Musickid/Tyler/Dylobs
Spiritual
fefe/Achilles/CountryBritney
Hot N Cold
Hugamari
If You Can Afford Me
Nait
Walking On Air
Moonchild/Cheetah
Firework
mxtthewdelrey
International Smile
Matty
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BTW this is the order before I go to bed!
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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I have a question for Jackson as he seems to be the one who mostly mentions it.
When it comes to stressing, doesn't it differ depending on how a person's singing it, their accent, pronunciation etc?
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Can you clarify "the combination of the odd structure/meter/rhyme scheme"?
The syllable count was ~ 3/10/7/7 in verses, 12/8/8 in pre-choruses.
Rhyme scheme was ABCB in verses. How is this odd? You mean you wanted me to write a verse where every line was the same length like it was a nursery rhyme 
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by CountryBritney
I have a question for Jackson as he seems to be the one who mostly mentions it.
When it comes to stressing, doesn't it differ depending on how a person's singing it, their accent, pronunciation etc?
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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I was expecting to be universally panned for this song, but so far I've gotten mostly positive reviews. 
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
I was expecting to be universally panned for this song, but so far I've gotten mostly positive reviews. |
Slay them son
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by CountryBritney
I have a question for Jackson as he seems to be the one who mostly mentions it.
When it comes to stressing, doesn't it differ depending on how a person's singing it, their accent, pronunciation etc?
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Yes, as I mentioned in my stressing Platinum Tip @fefe
The thing is we can't hear how you sing it, we just see the lyrics and we're not going to give you a break because we don't know how you're singing it also @fefe
Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Can you clarify "the combination of the odd structure/meter/rhyme scheme"?
The syllable count was ~ 3/10/7/7 in verses, 12/8/8 in pre-choruses.
Rhyme scheme was ABCB in verses. How is this odd? You mean you wanted me to write a verse where every line was the same length like it was a nursery rhyme |
It's weird to mix a 3/10/7/7 meter with a ABCB rhyme scheme. You'd expect the lines with similar syllable counts to rhyme
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
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we're not going to give you a break because we don't know how you're singing it also @fefe
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Since it's impossible to know how we're singing it, why would you critique it at all tho? This sentence perfectly illuminates the issue here; if you can't judge that accurately, you shouldn't judge it (esp. not as a MAJOR criteria of judging, as you seem to do). Looking at meter is fine for the most part and you should obvs be looking at the WORDS, but stressing really doesn't make a lot of sense and I just don't know why you seem so hung up on it, esp. since you actually record the songs you write and know that stress is subjective and can be worked around in various ways. The multiple ways I sang Matty's lines were perfectly fine and I don't think she should lose any points because you weren't able to make them work.
---
Judges: Play with form! Be creative! Do the unexpected!
*A few days later*
Judges: You'd expect the lines with similar syllable counts to rhyme.
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Yes, as I mentioned in my stressing Platinum Tip @fefe
The thing is we can't hear how you sing it, we just see the lyrics and we're not going to give you a break because we don't know how you're singing it also @fefe
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Hmm. I agree with Fefe. Given it's just written song lyrics, I don't know if it's right to judge it.
You haven't spoken about stressing with me (watch me get dragged for it next week now  ) but I just feel bad for those that have gotten this criticism because it doesn't seem fair.
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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I thot fefe was so nice and quiet
Mess she's going in
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Since it's impossible to know how we're singing it, why would you critique it at all tho? This sentence perfectly illuminates the issue here; if you can't judge that accurately, you shouldn't judge it (esp. not as a MAJOR criteria of judging, as you seem to do). Looking at meter is fine for the most part and you should obvs be looking at the WORDS, but stressing really doesn't make a lot of sense and I just don't know why you seem so hung up on it, esp. since you actually record the songs you write and know that stress is subjective and can be worked around in various ways. The multiple ways I sang Matty's lines were perfectly fine and I don't think she should lose any points because you weren't able to make them work.
---
Judges: Play with form! Be creative! Do the unexpected!
*A few days later*
Judges: You'd expect the lines with similar syllable counts to rhyme.
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Stressing does change a LITTLE with region/nationality/accent, etc, but the same rules of English still apply. You can't just throw something completely out the window that completely changes the way a song is read. If you're forcing me to read words as the English language doesn't intend I'm going to call you out on it. I judge flow as about 1/3 of a song, and stressing as 1/3 of that, so if you can't handle 1/9 of your song being judges on your song being read naturally maybe this isn't for you. As someone that writes songs to be sung I realize even moreso that stressing is extremely important in the crafting of a melody (see: Unconditionally as an example of stressing done wrong). You're all asking us to just completely disregard incredibly important aspects of songwriting because you think your song's the best thing that's ever been written and rules don't apply to you.
Sorry I couldn't validate your superiority complex this week, enjoy your 6.5 /endfeud
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Yeah I thought the structure within the verses and whatnot was a little weird in DNA but w/e
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Can someone else start I fight I'm tired of getting all the ratings 
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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Fyi, I didn't mean to start an argument. I was genuinely just asking a question. Sorry guys.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
TheCheetahWings – Wasteland
First of all you should know that Matty was trashing your song in the dubtrack hihi. This was better than his song at least, so you don't have to worry about that. Still, it was far from your strongest. While the AAAA rhyme scheme worked in your duet, here it seemed forced, especially in the chorus. I really liked your structure and the way you combined the two choruses at the end. I don't think that's anything I've seen in PH before and I may steal it. Thematically, the song was rather vague. I was hoping for something a little more personal and real life examples as opposed to a vague metaphor of a wasteland. You showed some actual progression in the song which is something we don't see a lot from you, so props for that.
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Im not surprised tbh  And yeah the rhymes did feel a bit forced at times because of the AAAA scheme but I was kinda in a rush since i only had one day to write it  & as for the vagueness, I have trouble putting super personal messages into my songs ngl, which is why the same thing happened in last year's Self Portrait challenge. But I'm glad there was progression in the song for once since I tried my best to finally do that. hno:
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
TheCheetahWings – Wasteland
First of all you should know that Matty was trashing your song in the dubtrack hihi. This was better than his song at least, so you don't have to worry about that.
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He already knows about that cause 1. I told him and 2. Everything I said to you I said to him hihi. Now keep it cute cause I do have a couple things to say that could expose you and I'm not talking about you fetish fanatizes with women.
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