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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch One
Quote:
1. Hugamari - Father's Lullaby
Vengeance
Um, this was interesting. I think I would've liked it more if your tone had been a lot less direct. When you're talking about something really serious like this, it's pretty standard to use language that hides or at least lessens the intensity of the situation, kinda like saying "oh she passed away" instead of "oh she was murdered". I felt like you could've handled this topic more carefully, lines like "And it went a lot like this" deescalated the severity of the song, and "It would be one of us / If we tried to interrupt" was a weird lyric for me as well for similar reasoning. The 2nd chorus was way too blunt and violent as well and really captures the need for this song to have more cushioning. I keep thinking about Demi Lovato's "Warrior" in this case: "There's a part of me I can't get back / A little girl grew up too fast" conveys the magnitude of the situation, but also allows the reader to draw their own conclusions for what happened to her without being overwhelmed by details and images. I did like the plot of this, but the execution was lacking.
2. Vision - Balloon
Vulnerable
wtf is seven stone? Is that a British thing? Okay, this was a pretty good song, the style wasn't really to my taste but I won't knock you for it. I'll just run down the list of critiques: The chorus was definitely the highlight for me, while the verses felt a bit barren. Line 3, Verse 1 was way too blunt and felt a bit exaggerated, it didn't have the dramatic or melancholy effect that you were going for, I think something like
"***d won't make you pretty"
would've worked a bit better for instance. The outro rhyme was really trite and made it as a whole feel really unnecessary. How do you walk "honestly"? Finally, "cannot" is an example of stiff language, "can't" would've flowed better. Still, this was an all-around solid entry. Not brilliant, but solid.
3. Citrus - Empty Sky
Future
This song was oddly vague. You took the prompt very literally and wrote a song that was essentially "I'm nervous about the future" without really pinpointing something concrete. Just saying "I want my life to mean something" or "I don't want to be forgotten" was a very bland way to approach this. With that being said, your lyrical approach was very grandiose and NOT bland, but again, I think you avoided the challenge again. By using these really extensive metaphors for your life, you didn't let the reader's or more specifically the panel enter your mind or your life like what we wanted. You essentially kept us at arm's length from you most of the time - the second verse being the exception - and didn't give us any more insight into who you are. It just became very readily apparent that you 1) didn't like the challenge and 2) didn't fully utilize the challenge, which isn't something I want to pick up from an entry. This just felt pained and not you, even though the song as a standalone piece of work, really wasn't bad.
4. MattyTacos - Bloodlines
Victim
"And hanged on every word he said" made my skin crawl, fix it fat. "Maybe I wanna die" was just screaming "angsty" and in a really cringey way, and the play on it in the second verse wasn't much better; you shouldn't have been so direct and forward with it. You needed to capitalize more on the "bloodlines" idea, or should've saved it for a later challenge, because here, it fell flat. I was sorta confused by the "kids" line the bridge; I didn't get that you "hated" your love interest, rather just that he ~~hated~~ you, so I'm not sure how two gays would genetically pass on the hatred to their kids? I'm sure there's something I'm missing there, but I thought I'd point it out. Anyways, you shined here when you used creative lines and language - the pre-chorus, the "bloodlines" hook, and the "myself / else" couplet - but fell flat with "survive / life" and "time / inside". The piece as a whole felt disconnected stylistically because you had some instances of familar rhymes and language, and then some really intuitive lines as well. It's hard for me to pin down what's holding you back on an overall level from week-to-week, since the issues seem to change on that basis. I suppose hitting harder on your concepts and honing in on your own original style would help you more in the long-run.
5. Nait Phoenix - Only One
Doubt
This entry read like you used the very first rhyme that came to mind for every single couplet, and it made this feel like a bunch of one-liners stitched together. I really, REALLY do not encourage AAAA rhyme schemes because it's a super restrictive scheme that WILL result in weird or forced rhymes. For example, the couplet "I feel like my imagination's lost its flame / My world in shattered pieces I cannot reclaim" was two lines with a similar topic but didn't flow together or communicate with each other. It was like two different lyrics for the same idea that didn't help advance your point. Flow was a bit wonky in this as well (ex. the entire second pre-chorus), but you did execute your topic well. This felt like an intermediary step before something really brilliant and excellent because I can tell something is brewing since the one-liners themselves weren't bad, so I'm hopeful for next week!
6. mxtthewdelrey - One (The Happiest Place)
Halcyon
"I didn’t know I needed you / Until the day we met" is awfully close to "Before you came into my life / I missed you so bad". See you in court! "You are my love cassette" I literally said "Girl, what?" out loud It sounds like the weird couple nicknames that people give each other, like "love muffin" or whatever Overall, this was a mixed bag. The first half of the song was really cliche and tired with little imagination. The second half at least brought some ingenuity to the table, but came too late to save the whole piece. "When life has been stressful / You make me feel restful" this rhyming is SO forced, "It seems to be that you have taught / me how to love again" is super cliche, and the second line of "There’s nothing in the world / Apart from me and you and our time together" was really disruptive towards the flow. These elements really bogged down the entry. There were occasional good moments - "I can be demanding / But you’re understanding" - and I liked the vibe of the last verses, but overall this was a lackluster entry.
7. CountryBritney
Triumph
Coming for blood AGAIN This was a very nice entry, I think this had more flaws than your last entry, but that's hardly saying much. I thought that this was ripe with emotion, and the chorus was EXCELLENT. It was just the pre-chorus and bridge that I had issues with. For the pre-chorus, the "Speed of light / Sight" rhyme was a poor rhyme amplified by a cliche image choice, and the "Show / Know" rhyme was in a similar boat but I thought that the way it led into the chorus made it work better. For the bridge, I didn't get "I'm sorry if those days started taking their toll", you KNOW those days took their toll, so why say "If"? The "Me/ Insecurities" rhyme was shakey, as was the first line of the last stanza (Demi Lovato should sue for the "Don't Forgetsus" rip-off!). FInally, I would've re-written "But I miss the days when we were close / The person in my life who I admired the most" as "But I miss the days when I was close / To the person in my life I admired the most". You're on a roll, keep it up!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Okay but HOW did you not get the fear is disappointing the people who support me
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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I'm really upset because I wrote in this metaphorical ******** way because you guys ****ing said all I do is literal stuff
and I get dragged for it
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Okay but HOW did you not get the fear is disappointing the people who support me
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I did get that, but you didn't hit hard enough on it. Your piece was about you not wanting to disappoint your parents by not staying in your same town, right? That just got lost in really verbose lines like "My mother was the sun that rose and birthed me into being / And herded me to pastures rife with overflowing spring".
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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 I need to stop sending in personal entries because I hate getting called cliche, simple, boring when this is me just being honest and sharing my heart
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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CountryBritney coming for that duo #1 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Here is every highlighted part that touches on my fear of the future xoxo. It's not about my parents, it's about growing up in this ****** place where nobody succeeds and feeling like I have to succeed for everyone else that couldn't make it out of there.
Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Quote:
Write a song about what leaves you uneasy about your future.
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"Empty Sky"
[VERSE]
My mother was the sun that rose and birthed me into being,
And herded me to pastures rife with overflowing spring,
As dusk began to come she said she’d guide me from afar,
And when the night enveloped me I looked up to the stars,
Glittering beneath the moon were the promises I’d made,
To all the martyrs of my life now waiting to be saved,
If I fail and let them down their stars burn out again,
All the faith they placed in me lost to oblivion,
[CHORUS]
What if fate is laughing and just stringing me along?
What if all the people who believe in me are wrong?
What if I disappoint the stars that lead me in the night?
I can’t face the guilt of life underneath an empty sky,
[VERSE]
I was talking to a friend just the week before she was killed,
She said, “Matt, if you don’t make it out, none of us ever will”,
I’m grasping for her memory so I can tear it from my head,
And hang her in the sky since all the other stars are dead,
Her words are like an echo that I can't seem to shake,
A road that’s paved with sacrifice leaves no room for mistakes,
What if I’m straying from the path, what if I miss my mark?
I’m scared one day her star will fade into the rising dark,
[CHORUS]
What if fate is laughing and just stringing me along?
What if all the people who believe in me are wrong?
What if I disappoint the stars that lead me in the night?
I can’t face the guilt of life underneath an empty sky,
[BRIDGE]
The hopes for me are shining still like guideposts on the way,
A thousand dreams latched onto me that I must reach someday,
I fear I’ll become a warning of great potential’s highest cost,
If night turns into morning and the world sees that I’ve lost,
[CHORUS]
What if fate is laughing and just stringing me along?
What if all the people who believe in me are wrong?
What if I disappoint the stars that lead me in the night?
I can’t face the guilt of life underneath an empty sky.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
I'm really upset because I wrote in this metaphorical ******** way because you guys ****ing said all I do is literal stuff
and I get dragged for it
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I didn't drag you because you were being metaphorical, I "dragged" you because you got really verbose and superfluous.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Seven stone is a weight of measuring weight in a lot of countries. It's about 96 lbs. And I think the "if" in Tilly's song gave it a nice sense of subtlety and regret instead of just tackling her issues head on. I endorse these review though, seems like we agree for the most part
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Quote:
Originally posted by mxtthewdelrey
 I need to stop sending in personal entries because I hate getting called cliche, simple, boring when this is me just being honest and sharing my heart
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I haven't sent in a really personal entry until now because I'm scared of this 
Most things I think about myself have already been said before so I'm scared for my reviews 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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I just got back from work. I'm about to start reviewing. I'm feeling a little under the weather today.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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It's not your fault you didn't like the song, so don't think I'm trying to attack you. But I am trying so hard to give you guys something different than what I normally do each week. First it's too conceptual, then it's too literal, and now it's not personal enough BECAUSE I wasn't literal. It's just frustrating. 
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Here is every highlighted part that touches on my fear of the future xoxo. It's not about my parents, it's about growing up in this ****** place where nobody succeeds and feeling like I have to succeed for everyone else that couldn't make it out of there.
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Citrus. This made me cry  it was such an emotional read, and it's affected me a lot. just thank you so much for your talent
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
I just got back from work. I'm about to start reviewing. I'm feeling a little under the weather today.
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'Cause every time I'm with you, I go into a zone
And I remember all the places you wanna go
Take me all the way
Ain't nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it
'Cause every time I see you, I don't wanna behave
I'm tired of being patient so let's pick up the pace
Take me all the way
Ain't nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it

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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
It's not your fault you didn't like the song, so don't think I'm trying to attack you. But I am trying so hard to give you guys something different than what I normally do each week. First it's too conceptual, then it's too literal, and now it's not personal enough BECAUSE I wasn't literal. It's just frustrating. 
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I get that it's frustrating, but this is like a musician exclaiming "UGH, first I was FLAT and now I'm SHARP? I just can't win! Intonation is a myth!" It's all a balancing act, and you find that balance through experience and trial and error.
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Please judges. I beg of you to re-read my song and try and see it how I see it. This was the self-portrait week and I wrote something personal and I just would like someone to appreciate that 
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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I think I'm just over it now…
I want to be involved and invested, but I'm just tired…
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
I get that it's frustrating, but this is like a musician exclaiming "UGH, first I was FLAT and now I'm SHARP? I just can't win! Intonation is a myth!" It's all a balancing act, and you find that balance through experience and trial and error.
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n idk what those mean. But thank you for your critiques even when they make my anus bleed. Just don't give them self-portrait prompts next time. It's a little stinging to be told your personal ish isn't personal enough when you weren't able to choose what to write about in the first place. 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
'Cause every time I'm with you, I go into a zone
And I remember all the places you wanna go
Take me all the way
Ain't nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it
'Cause every time I see you, I don't wanna behave
I'm tired of being patient so let's pick up the pace
Take me all the way
Ain't nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it

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I might break up with my boyfriend tonight. Want to Get_Together.flac?
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