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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Thoughts on these lyrics? They're from this really sad slow modern jazz ballad.
Morning comes, and you awake
And think of her with every move you make
Nobody knows that but me
And when you're turning out you light
You dream of the day you're gonna hold her tight
Nobody knows that but me
I'm the one that you tell
You say I understand you so well
Well I understand perfectly
Cause you don't know that everyday
I'm wishing I could steal your heart away
Nobody knows that but me
You worry she might suspect
That you're not actually perfect
You are so perfect to me
And you don't know, that in the end
I was hoping we were more than friends
Nobody knows that
Nobody knows that
Nobody knows that, but me
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
Thoughts on these lyrics? They're from this really sad slow modern jazz ballad.
Morning comes, and you awake
And think of her with every move you make
Nobody knows that but me
And when you're turning out you light
You dream of the day you're gonna hold her tight
Nobody knows that but me
I'm the one that you tell
You say I understand you so well
Well I understand perfectly
Cause you don't know that everyday
I'm wishing I could steal your heart away
Nobody knows that but me
You worry she might suspect
That you're not actually perfect
You are so perfect to me
And you don't know, that in the end
I was hoping we were more than friends
Nobody knows that
Nobody knows that
Nobody knows that, but me
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I see no references to water, drowning, chains, shadows, religion, burning churches, or flying, so...0/10.
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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first judge to post reviews gets 1 free wp reversal
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
first judge to post reviews gets 1 free wp reversal
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I have zero WP's so jokes on you!
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
Thoughts on these lyrics? They're from this really sad slow modern jazz ballad.
Morning comes, and you awake
And think of her with every move you make
Nobody knows that but me
And when you're turning out you light
You dream of the day you're gonna hold her tight
Nobody knows that but me
I'm the one that you tell
You say I understand you so well
Well I understand perfectly
Cause you don't know that everyday
I'm wishing I could steal your heart away
Nobody knows that but me
You worry she might suspect
That you're not actually perfect
You are so perfect to me
And you don't know, that in the end
I was hoping we were more than friends
Nobody knows that
Nobody knows that
Nobody knows that, but me
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It's relatable and simple: how song lyrics should be!
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
I have zero WP's so jokes on you!
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I forgot to mention i'm putting all the judges on 9 WP's in a minute
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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*******? Wait, really?
EDIT: *******ial Tribute is my favorite card.
EDIT 2: Shut the front door! 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I'd impress y'all with my censor bypassing skills, but that'd get me warned. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
first judge to post reviews gets 1 free wp reversal
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Ddd I got a reminder the other day and it didn't even tell me why? Fix it hay sus
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
Beyonce on Metacritic teas.
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Tbh
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Ddd I got a reminder the other day and it didn't even tell me why? Fix it hay sus
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A reminder isn't supposed to have anything in it, it just means that your post is towing the line and you should stop/chill out.
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Since the original dub wasn't work for me or Matty...
Wow Britney looks great here. It's almost makes me want to CLICK HER FACE
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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I feel like some reviews are coming soon
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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BATCH ØNE
Quote:
Hugamari – Father’s Lullaby
Well, I’m fairly certain you’ve never killed your father before, so I’m going to take a leap of faith and say you failed at that aspect of the challenge. Furthermore, I was definitely hoping you’d go this route of revenge after reading the second verse, but something a tad more subtle would have worked better in my opinion. Blowing his face off wasn’t really necessary. You could have punched him or escaped with your mom and siblings or something a little more realistic. The rhyme schemes in the verses were a little messy as well, especially with the un/this rhyme and the ABBB rhyme in the second verse. Make sure to keep your rhyme schemes consistent in each verse if they’re going to be similarly structured otherwise.
Vision – Balloon
OK, this is going to be a little difficult to review per your request, but I’m going to try to remain specific. I really liked the third line in the first verse. Actually, there were a lot of highlights here. You really stepped out of your comfort zone here both conceptually and stylistically. You pulled a whole 180 from being extremely guarded to being Kim Kardashian naked and I really like it. My favorite parts were the last two lines of the first verse, the second prechorus, outro, and all of the chorus except the first line. It would have added an interesting element had you changed the environment in each verse, changing snow to sand or grass, for example, as the snow itself didn’t really tie into anything else in the song. This was the first song from you this entire season I’ve genuinely enjoyed reading, so thanks for being willing to give this piece of you up for us.
Citrus – Empty Sky
I like that this song was more metaphoric and abstract than your previous entries. Still, I feel like there’s a little too much going on in the verses. The sheer line length made them a little odd to read, but I did find a flow to the song the second time I read it. The chorus did a great job of being succinct, to the point, and retaining the strong imagery and emotion of the verses. I saw you share the “if you don’t make it out, none of us ever will” line in the dubtrack, and while it sounds nice, I still fail to find any significant meaning behind it. What is she making it out of? Life? Of course we all die, that’s nothing new. Feel free to clock me if I’m missing something obvious. My favorite part here was the second half of the second verse. It was extremely metaphoric but it was also obvious that you were relating everything to your own life.
MattyTacos – Bloodlines
This was one of your weaker entries this season. The only highlight really was the second line, and as Dylobs pointed out even that line was “appropriated” from someone else. I was struggling the whole time to find any sense of flow here. I tried reading lines multiple ways but failed to come up with anything due to inconsistent stressing (especially in the prechorus, he’s GOT his FIRST around MY NECK vs and AND HE THINKS im TAKing MY LAST BREATH for example) and meter. A lot of the language, especially in the chorus, felt redundant and familiar. The bloodlines part didn’t really seem to have much to do with anything other than the bridge, which was fine in comparison to the rest of the song. Overall I felt your concept to be weak and the execution sloppy. You should have expanded more on the familial ties and the entire concept of bloodlines and created more of a storyline.
Nait Phoenix – Only One
The rhymes you used in the first verse were a bit too long to read smoothly. “Encasing me”/”chasing me” worked, but the constantly/identity/humanity/clarity lines didn’t quite flow right. I liked the chorus, but it didn’t seem strong enough to be a chorus and would have been better suited as a post-chorus or bridge. I definitely felt a sense of desperation here, but awkward lines and rhymes (such as “blame” in the second verse) dragged down the tone of the song overall and kept the emotion from feeling 100% authentic when I know that’s what you intended. The highlight was “want to reach out/but there is no hand extended/want to scream out/but the song has already ended”. Really all the song needed was some cleanup and a few more clever lines.
mxtthewdelrey – One (The Happiest Place)
OK, let me just start by saying your song titles are messier than anyone apart from maybe Fergie. This felt rather plain. I could tell there was some genuine emotion here, and I liked the lighthearted atmosphere of it, but it lacked substance as a whole. Most of the language was rather familiar. You should have expanded more on the “love cassette” concept and made that your title. You could have talked about how she/he was your summer mixtape and you’d listen to it with the windows rolled down coasting along the highway or something. The flow was sufficient, but the sameness of it throughout the song made it lack a sense of progression overall.
CountryBritney – More Than Words
In the first verse it felt as if you were trying to fit a few too many words and ideas within the structure of your song. You didn’t necessarily need to include summertime, Britain, AND the late nineties all in a single line. I liked the bits and memories from your childhood and thought they added a nice touch. The chorus was riddled with clichés, and while I wasn’t quite as bothered but them in this case because they still carried emotional weight, you could have made it immensely stronger but using your own vivid imagery and life experiences. I didn’t like the light/sight lines in the prechorus as well. The second verse and first half of the bridge were my favorite parts of the song. The bridge was nice as a whole apart from the “roll your eyes” line. I loved the “I try and play our song” couplet as well. Overall, it fit the challenge well and was extremely personal and felt authentic. You could have just benefitted from a few slight fixes in your meter and phrasing to elevate the emotion of the song and leave no distraction from the brilliant storyline. I hope you show this to your mom as well and let her know how you feel  .
Moonchild – Story
I’m not really feeling this  . I’m really glad you stepped outside your box and you definitely were successful in changing up your style, but it didn’t really work for me this week. The first verse alone was drowning in awkward lines, from “I miss the hope I had when it was time for bed” to “Tradition tears a Southern boy into smithereens” (don’t use the word smithereens please). It was really hard to get a sense of flow in the verses and the stressing seemed a little off to me. The chorus was fine, but didn’t really add much to the song rather than tying the verses together. The only line I really enjoyed was the “iron maiden” section which was quite clever. Ironically, this song lack your typical sense of identity.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Where did you get that info from, Dylobster?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
MattyTacos – Bloodlines
This was one of your weaker entries this season. The only highlight really was the second line, and as Dylobs pointed out even that line was “appropriated” from someone else. I was struggling the whole time to find any sense of flow here. I tried reading lines multiple ways but failed to come up with anything due to inconsistent stressing (especially in the prechorus, he’s GOT his FIRST around MY NECK vs and AND HE THINKS im TAKing MY LAST BREATH for example) and meter. A lot of the language, especially in the chorus, felt redundant and familiar. The bloodlines part didn’t really seem to have much to do with anything other than the bridge, which was fine in comparison to the rest of the song. Overall I felt your concept to be weak and the execution sloppy. You should have expanded more on the familial ties and the entire concept of bloodlines and created more of a storyline.
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Dylobs did not say that. Citrus did.
But yikes anyways!
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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dd sorry for being difficult - but thanks! I'm gonna go look up those lines.
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This was the first song from you this entire season I’ve genuinely enjoyed reading
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Shade my #1 hit
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
dd sorry for being difficult - but thanks! I'm gonna go look up those lines.
Shade my #1 hit
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I gave your #1 like a 6 or something 
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Where did you get that info from, Dylobster?
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From CLICKING BRITNEY'S FACE
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Hugamari – Father’s Lullaby
Well, I’m fairly certain you’ve never killed your father before, so I’m going to take a leap of faith and say you failed at that aspect of the challenge. Furthermore, I was definitely hoping you’d go this route of revenge after reading the second verse, but something a tad more subtle would have worked better in my opinion. Blowing his face off wasn’t really necessary. You could have punched him or escaped with your mom and siblings or something a little more realistic.
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I guess so, but the concept of me getting revenge isn't realistic anyways. I'm not a spiteful person.
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The rhyme schemes in the verses were a little messy as well, especially with the un/this rhyme and the ABBB rhyme in the second verse. Make sure to keep your rhyme schemes consistent in each verse if they’re going to be similarly structured otherwise.
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Thr rhyme scheme was ABCB throughout, but that's hard to tell with the second part of the second verse, so that's on me. 
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