[UFO]

Originally posted by MattyTacos

I'd love a story-telling challenge since that's the type of writing I usually do in my songs.

But woo, the HORRIFIC flashbacks to season 7's story-telling challenge when no one actually told a story.

*except EuphorianSea

[Temporal]

Originally posted by URBAN

There are only 2 batches correct?

yea

[Jackson]

BATCH ØNE

Hugamari – Yozakura
Changing the wording of a cliché does little to diminish its use as filler in a song. So was the case in the prechorus here. A lot of this song was filled with nonsensical imagery that really added nothing more than flowery language. I’m not really sure what purpose talking to this tree serves, but even when it borders on meaningful when discussing death, it seems like a concept thrown in for the sheer purpose of adding some kind of depth. At times the way you worded your lines was a little off. I didn’t like the way you worded the last two lines in the second verse the same “so __ and ___”. The verses were formulaic attempts at appearing intelligent and the “oh sakura, oh sakura” in the chorus was filler. I’m not sure why the chorus switched between mine/I and we/our as well. That being said, you did have a nice flow going on for the most part.


Vision – Armada
My biggest qualm with the song is the one random fire line in the song. You spend most of the song talking about raging seas, heavy storms, and *******ial rain yet somehow these ships are on fire. I get it’s possible to set a fire in the rain, but if this water is really as omnipresent as you say it is it really has no place in the song. Inbound was an awkward rhyme and that line was awkwardly phrased as a whole. I’m really glad you changed the “behind the rain” line because I initially dragged you for it. The bridge should have been rewritten altogether. The name checking was useless and the “king” was filler. I did like how you tied the Queen’s wrath into the sea but kept them as separate entities. I’ve noticed you write with a style that’s incredibly rich in vision but lacks an emotional connection. The emotion in your songs come across as contrived and lack a sense of relatability. Perhaps try reaching from the depths of your own emotional reserve and let down your guard a little. It’s easy to hide behind big words and images, but if you pair them with something genuine it multiplies its strength.


Witch_Privilege – Patiently Waiting
The language here wasn’t quite clever enough to make it work. A song with this subject suffers more from awkward language than others because when you use a weird line like “running your fingers up my thigh” it just feels a little… cringey. The simile in the prechorus was forced and sounded extremely elementary for this kind of song. The way you worked delusion into the song felt fragmented and the repetition of the word was sloppy when you could have used synonyms and expanded on the concept. I’m glad you attempted to use more imagery in general this round, and while I could definitely tell you chose psychic as your type the language you used barely got you there. I would have loved to see you expand more on the themes of delusion and magic you only touched on in the song. This could have been a much more immersive song with more vivid language and a more fleshed out concept, as well as the removal of a few awkward lines.


Vulnicura – Cordyceps
I’m not sure if disgust is really something I want to feel while reading a love song, and that’s definitely what I felt. For starters, I’m not sure if the central metaphor of a fungus was a great idea or even explicitly “bug” type, although it really doesn’t fit into any type. I’ve noticed that a lot of you, especially this round, have used a short repeated line to fill space in your choruses. “It grows, it grows” was very similar to “oh sakura, oh sakura” in Huga’s song. Both appeared formulaic and filler, and yours especially gave me an uneasy feeling I don’t really want to feel while reading a song. The bridge reads like a children’s book, and not in a good way. “The devil’s butterfly” was pure nonsensical imagery and the exclamation points appeared almost sarcastic among the subject matter. The message is a bit unclear when you relate the fungus to both a disease and a moth. I am glad you added further bug imagery because the central metaphor itself didn’t quite fit the challenge for me. Had the themes of the song not contrasted so much this would have been much more enjoyable, but the song gave me a lot of mixed signals.


Navyofbadgals – Icy Walls
Your biggest problem here is that much of the song feels disjointed. The whole flow of the song is clunky and awkward and doesn’t seem to follow any conventional meter. It like this song is trying to be a lot more mature than it actually is. It reads like a children’s Christmas song but the subject matter Is a little too heavy to successful be that. You could have successfully pulled off the themes of the song by using more sharp, less elementary imagery. You could have opted for icy, cold language as opposed to elegant snowfall. Lines like “I don’t want you to be so far away” totally destroy momentum you build up to that point. The blue eyes motif was strong but had little impact among other basic language. The bridge did nothing but drag down your song and should have been omitted wholly. There was little emotion and the imagery you chose to use was rather boring. There’s a lot of “fat” that should have been cut out here. Had you been a little more focused and tightened up the meter and language your song could have been much more effective.


Nait Phoenix – Cicada’s Lullaby
I feel like there’s two very distinct things going on in this song. I see a narrative about a cicada preparing to emerge from the ground after thirteen years and a song about a man unhappy with his life’s accomplishments. Each story alone has merit and power, but together they appear jumbled and disjointed. Bug was definitely a risky type, and I don’t feel like the metaphor of the cicada ties into your story extremely well. Even in the song’s brighter moments (the butterfly and lullaby lines) the song suffers from a few awkward lines (would you see me try). In addition, the concept of the lullaby doesn’t seem to fit anywhere else in the song. I feel as if a song about a cicada rising after thirteen years should be about hope and rebirth so I found your concept to be a bit odd. That being said, this was an improvement from last week. Just try to make your themes more cohesive next week and your song will improve greatly.


UFO – Return to Earth
For the most part it seems as if you’ve finally found your sense of meter, but the lack of rhyme scheme completely destroyed the flow of the song. I realize that a lot of songs don’t have rhymer schemes, but the fact that you attempted at times to enforce one only to throw it out the window the next line was sketchy. It made lines that didn’t rhyme appear lazy while other clung on for life only to be discarded moments later. I know you were proud of your oesophagus line, but frankly, it didn’t work. Furthermore, while I definitely felt the ghost in your song it was fairly evenly mixed with elements of dark. Your demonic imagery was just as strong as your ghostly lines, and while in most cases I would compliment your ability to mix themes, in this challenge it made your song lack focus. You could have been a bit more literal with your imagery, as both the metaphor and storyline were considerably vague.


lovesong – Running/Memory
Too much of this song was pure filler. The chorus itself was entirely anticlimactic. It was emotionally void and had no sense of anything memorable. This carried onto the second verse which could have been omitted entirely. It had almost no meaning. Reading it alone outside the context of the song it reads as aimless words vaguely pertaining to the concept of love. I didn’t get any overwhelming feel of your type here. It felt like fairy, dark, and psychic all in one. Apart from the explicit mention of the type I didn’t feel like this satisfied the challenge to any degree. The only redeeming part of the song was the vocoder part. It appeared as if you finally found your concept and your voice and the song had a little impact there. Next week make to be sure of your concept and make every line count. Writing a good song should be vastly more important than following a typical song structure, so if you sense any filler sections cut them out.


Citrus – Rock Slide
Well you at least had an… original concept. Actually, it was kind of like a weaker home renovation version of Before He Cheats. The intro was strong, but it all went downhill from there. The property brothers line was cheesy in a not good way. The song flowed awkwardly in a way that made rhymes such as “demolition” seem weaker than they should. The “messy” line in the chorus was, well, messy. The second verse makes little sense, as you bizarrely allude to the fact that French doors and dogs make people cheat (I realize that’s not what you were going for but the way you worded it made it seems so). Conceptually, this seemed more like a fighting song to me than a rock song. Apart from the title and the “stone” lines at the beginning and end of the song I didn’t really get any feel for your type at all. I like that you chose an out of the box concept, and some of your metaphors were pretty clever, but overall I wasn’t impressed with the execution.


Achillles. – Alakazam (Get My Man)
When I think of a psychic song, I picture a song with an aura of mystique. It should intrigue and mystify, or at least leave me wanting more. I found your use of your type to be purely superficial. It felt almost comical at times and cheesy throughout. Apart from your allusions to popular culture, a good portion of the lines were simple clichés about magic and wizardry (I fell under your spell). Although I liked a few of the references, lines like the “strong, hot love” felt out of place, especially in the chorus of the song. The “slight” section felt awkwardly worded. It felt as though it was including only for the slight/sleight line, which could have been included in a cleverer, less overt way. You did pick up momentum in the second verse and bridge, but it wasn’t quite enough for come back from the messy first verse and chorus. I wish you would have expanded more on the puppet lines in the bridge, as I found that to be a much more emotionally engaging concept and one you executed more expertly.


CountryBritney – Lullaby
There’s a few things holding me back from giving you the praise I want to. For once, this felt a little too dark to be a fairy song. I like how you incorporated your type into the song, but the themes of death and sadness contrast with the fairytale theme. In another song this contrast could have strengthened the song, but in this challenge it weakened it. There was a general lack of flow that kept your song from reading incredibly smoothly. From the first verse there seems to be no structure within your stanzas. The verses were far weaker overall than the rest of the song. Your bridge was the highlight of the song, especially the line “never thought I would stop when I started to cry”.


mxtthewdelrey – Harvey
My biggest problem here is that I got almost no sense of “poison” from your song apart from a sole mention at the end. There was no imagery and no emotion that gave me any indication that poison was your type. Your chorus was a little too simplistic. Songs this round have had a recurring problem of using the “oh, ___” line in their chorus when it has no actual meaning and is simply filler. Having a 100% filler chorus definitely isn’t a good thing, and it puts all the weight on your verses. The verses themselves are sufficient but the bridge was full of awkward rhymes and clunky lines. The emotion here was raw and real but I felt as if it could have been executed better. It felt like you were writing just a song as opposed to a song for the challenge, and just stuck in a poison word at the end.


MattyTacos – Where the Gods Played
I was kind of just slowly shaking my thread throughout the chorus. Every single line was forced. “Core” is one of the worst forced rhymes possible, and airborne/evermore was tragic. “Fast agility” was completely redundant and overall the whole thing just fell flat. The verses weren’t much better. The only line I liked was “maybe it’s better to be grounded instead”. Tragedy/legacy and “free beauty” all made me cringe a little. The bridge was really the only OK section, but the fact that it was sandwiched between two of those awful choruses barely helped its case. You definitely fit the theme, so I guess I can applaud you on that, but the song never rose above mediocre. Focus on the strength of your language above fitting the theme. I’ve noticed this season you’ve been trying much too hard to stick to your themes and concepts while your sense of poetry has fallen to the wayside. Try to focus on a more streamlined concept and let your words flow more naturally next week.


feelslikeadream – Wild
I get that this was kind of a hybrid grass/fire song, but the fire imagery felt a lot more natural to me. The first verse is definitely the most authentic section of the song, while the second half of the chorus and second verse feel a bit more contrived. You kept your meter pretty tight throughout, but lost it a bit at the end of the chorus which made that section seem weaker overall. The “getting lost” line was awkwardly phrased and felt like filler. I realize these songs are all part of a concept album, but eventually the New York theme will get tired kind of like Moonchild’s moon songs last season. Don’t be afraid to aim for a different area of your concept and show us something other than nostalgic songs about New York.


Jaxswim – Enchanted Heartbeat
The main issues I have here are small issues with wording in each section. Some of the clichés (poison apple) were a bit too much, while others (king, you’ll be crowned) read awkwardly. I did think your song had a nice progression and storyline, and you had a nice flow. Your use of imagery has improved immensely as well, so I have but minor complaints here. By far the best song this batch

[ceremonials]

Let's just pray the jugsaw challenge does not appear at all this season. I will quit without hesitation

[MattyTacos]

Originally posted by UFO

*except EuphorianSea

Your entry was amazing

[Achilles.]

I don't think I've ever been called superficial before.
Ready for this to be my career low.

[MattyTacos]

MattyTacos – Where the Gods Played
I was kind of just slowly shaking my thread throughout the chorus. Every single line was forced. “Core” is one of the worst forced rhymes possible, and airborne/evermore was tragic. “Fast agility” was completely redundant and overall the whole thing just fell flat. The verses weren’t much better. The only line I liked was “maybe it’s better to be grounded instead”. Tragedy/legacy and “free beauty” all made me cringe a little. The bridge was really the only OK section, but the fact that it was sandwiched between two of those awful choruses barely helped its case. You definitely fit the theme, so I guess I can applaud you on that, but the song never rose above mediocre. Focus on the strength of your language above fitting the theme. I’ve noticed this season you’ve been trying much too hard to stick to your themes and concepts while your sense of poetry has fallen to the wayside. Try to focus on a more streamlined concept and let your words flow more naturally next week.

I agree with you on the chorus but let's not be delusional because the second verse is amazing.

Thanks for the 1.3 tho! Dylobs who?

[Ventitonic]

The lashings and then the smiley at the end
I'm not ready

[keshaspearsxo]

Originally posted by ceremonials

So what you're saying i Temp should ban you from the comeback round? Interesting.

How do I disrespect my position?

[Achilles.]

You spend most of the song talking about raging seas, heavy storms, and *******ial rain yet somehow these ships are on fire. I get it’s possible to set a fire in the rain, but if this water is really as omnipresent as you say it is it really has no place in the song

It's historical accuracy. Half the reason England defeated the Armada was because they set their ships on fire and rammed them into the Spanish fleet.

[jpow]

not jackson dragging everyone

[Citrus]

The intro was flawless, even the "well, ****," to be honest. I am going crazy over this concept. Literally every line was a zinger. The way you employed the house both figuratively and literally and weaved it in and out so flawlessly. This is excellent writing. Even the colloquial parts fell right into place. I really don't have anything bad to say. I just GET it, you know?

The property brothers line was cheesy in a not good way. The song flowed awkwardly in a way that made rhymes such as “demolition” seem weaker than they should. The “messy” line in the chorus was, well, messy. The second verse makes little sense, as you bizarrely allude to the fact that French doors and dogs make people cheat (I realize that’s not what you were going for but the way you worded it made it seems so). Conceptually, this seemed more like a fighting song to me than a rock song. Apart from the title and the “stone” lines at the beginning and end of the song I didn’t really get any feel for your type at all. I like that you chose an out of the box concept, and some of your metaphors were pretty clever, but overall I wasn’t impressed with the execution.

[UFO]

UFO – Return to Earth
For the most part it seems as if you’ve finally found your sense of meter, but the lack of rhyme scheme completely destroyed the flow of the song. I realize that a lot of songs don’t have rhymer schemes, but the fact that you attempted at times to enforce one only to throw it out the window the next line was sketchy. It made lines that didn’t rhyme appear lazy while other clung on for life only to be discarded moments later. I know you were proud of your oesophagus line, but frankly, it didn’t work. Furthermore, while I definitely felt the ghost in your song it was fairly evenly mixed with elements of dark. Your demonic imagery was just as strong as your ghostly lines, and while in most cases I would compliment your ability to mix themes, in this challenge it made your song lack focus. You could have been a bit more literal with your imagery, as both the metaphor and storyline were considerably vague.

I am SCREAMING @ the word sketchy mess that is a funny word

I honestly don't know what y'all mean when you say my meter is good. I literally just write anything and pray that it fits , meter-wise obviously.

But I'm happy to hear that! I struggle a lot with meter, stressing and all the other technical ****.

YES. I'm glad you pointed my rhyme schemes out. This season I've honestly thrown rhyme schemes out of the window. It's not deliberate but I think it has to do with the type of songs I've written so far. I'll probably fix that next week

fffffff I was proud of using the word "oesophagus" but not the line itself, I'll make sure to keep that in mind when attempting to use similar words in the future.

I was honestly struggling to keep to a ghost theme since there's not really much you can say about ghosts without bringing in demons, darkness and other similar imagery. I think I was able to execute the atmosphere of a ghost since my song is from the perspective of one!

"vague"

[Citrus]

I can take the song not being super rocky, that makes sense. And I don't syllable count or do meter **** so I'll take the clunky parts, too. But don't you DARE come for me for being cheesy in a country song, the drag queen of music genres.

[UFO]

Originally posted by Ventitonic

The lashings and then the smiley at the end
I'm not ready

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by jpow

not jackson dragging everyone

I was shook at first, but then I remembered he said he was going to drag everyone so

[MattyTacos]

Well, at least I can relax knowing everyone got dragged.

[UFO]

Praying that my song next week won't be called basic and ordinary after trying to make it less vague and muddy, I will legit cry. I don't like being caught in between and not knowing what to do

[ceremonials]

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

How do I disrespect my position?

I was joking tbh

But you obviously trolled the hell out of your last entry to get that low of a score cause you thought your average would save you. (Either that or it was just really bad but I don't believe that)

[Cupid]

yet somehow these ships are on fire. I get it’s possible to set a fire in the rain, but if this water is really as omnipresent as you say it is it really has no place in the song

The thing is though, it's based on a true event. She actually did set her ships on fire and they sailed through one of the biggest storms ever and hit the armada. Crazy, but it happened.

The emotion in your songs come across as contrived and lack a sense of relatability. Perhaps try reaching from the depths of your own emotional reserve and let down your guard a little.

Tbh my first song was very personal, it got dragged a biT, so my last two haven't really been that personal to me.
I guess because of the theme of the rounds too, I wanted to do something different from just using my pokemon type as a metaphor for feelings as I felt like a lot of people would be doing that. It was a risk, as i'm trying to describe a true story so I don't really have a personal stake in it, but oh well.

I'll try and put some more of my personal feelings in, my next song kinda does already.