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Originally posted by Tampon
1. Hugamari - Yozakura
Great job with the challenge; your concept was really lovely as well! There were minor disruptions in the meter and flow that held this back from snatching me. Take the first couplet and the last couplet of the second pre-chorus: the rhythm that I had changed significantly in those sections. "Debt/End" was really forced, even though it wasn't a perfect rhyme and though I get that you were trying to avoid using "just" twice in the pre-chorus, "Sure as" didn't work for me, since you weren't "sure" or confused with anything to begin with? "Just" would've worked much better, especially in the second pre-chorus. Overall I think you could've gone into your concept a little more, about how the Sakura taught the narrator about life and death and ephemeral nature; only the chorus hit hard on that and made the concept overall apparent to me, while the content of the verses felt disconnected from the central theme (the verses were more "ooh pretty flower, let me describe pretty flower!). The bridge did touch on those "lessons" as well, but I wanted more development to the story; how the narrator applied those lessons to their life and what the Sakura really meant to them. Really nice job!
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I just remembered I actually didn't respond to this, the hints distracted me.
I figured someone would mention that I could've took the concept further, but my biggest reason for that was because I didn't think I'd be able to without it feeling clunky, and I would've been better off with superficial imagery.
Besides for the fact I low-key felt dragged, I'm currently in your Top 5 I'm pretty sure so it's not that bad! Thank you for your review, by the way!
I'll make sure to include my critique in my application to be a judge next season, it's gonna happen
it's my most rushed one so far, but I'm kinda happy with it. I'm very scared that the judges are not gonna like it at all though. It just doesn't take any risks, idk.
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