Quote:
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Today I saw a group of clouds rolling by
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That opening line is NOT cute!
I get that you were going for a dream-like state inspired by Taylor Swift but a more powerful line would hook the reader/listener in and an opening line should - more or less - give your audience a taste of what's to come.
I like how you have conscientiously tried to avoid cliches which I know is very hard to do when it comes to a flying theme so good job!
Quote:
I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again
After countless tries
But he can fly up above the world
With wings pure and white
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BEAUTIFUL
It's understated yet manages to give the reader/listener enough imagery. It's also a good build-up to the chorus.
Unfortunately, the chorus does fall a little flat and I expected more especially looking at what preceded it. I do think it was very clever of you to end the chorus with a question! It addresses the person, shows that you are in a state of self-questioning and also gets the audience thinking and more invested into the message of the song.
Quote:
We would soar into the sky’s playground above the clouds
Where the Gods would play if they were still around
His angel bow drew back as he surged my light
He fired an arrow in my wing and I ceased flight
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This is much better than the first verse
I love how you incorporated the song title in a more abstract way than usual. However, "light" and "flight" does seem a little ordinary.
Quote:
You know it hurts to always watch you succeed
Because you’re the one who’s living out my dream
Now you think that you’re so much better than me
But what happened to when we would share these wings?
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Fantastic bridge!
A bridge should always do at least one of two things:
1. Give closure to the song
2. Give a different perspective
You managed to express both techniques in 4 lines which shows how versatile you are. However, I do wish the language you used in the bridge was a little more ambitious like the second verse but that's just me nitpicking.
This was - overall - a solid effort, especially focusing on the emotion of the narrator. You should focus on fleshing out what you want to convey in the chorus and make sure to maintain the same level of imagery/vivid language throughout
punish us dad
