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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Please buy All I Want for Christmas So So Def Remix on itunes pls
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch 1
Quote:
1. Hugamari - Yozakura
Great job with the challenge; your concept was really lovely as well! There were minor disruptions in the meter and flow that held this back from snatching me. Take the first couplet and the last couplet of the second pre-chorus: the rhythm that I had changed significantly in those sections. "Debt/End" was really forced, even though it wasn't a perfect rhyme and though I get that you were trying to avoid using "just" twice in the pre-chorus, "Sure as" didn't work for me, since you weren't "sure" or confused with anything to begin with? "Just" would've worked much better, especially in the second pre-chorus. Overall I think you could've gone into your concept a little more, about how the Sakura taught the narrator about life and death and ephemeral nature; only the chorus hit hard on that and made the concept overall apparent to me, while the content of the verses felt disconnected from the central theme (the verses were more "ooh pretty flower, let me describe pretty flower!). The bridge did touch on those "lessons" as well, but I wanted more development to the story; how the narrator applied those lessons to their life and what the Sakura really meant to them. Really nice job!
2. Vision - Armada
Your Xtina AVI is fitting since you "Keep Getting Better"!  My main problem was that I couldn't get hear or imagine non-monotone melody to this. The cheer of "the armada is coming" in the chorus in particular made it hard for me to imagine it being sung. I think that if you would've experimented a bit and broke from the really strict structure between and within the stanzas, you would've created something more "song-y" as well. My other main issue was that you gave away the entire story of your song in the chorus by saying "her rivals were slain" in the chorus! It made the piece at the end really anti-climatic, especially with the tense shift at the end. "Steel knives" served "wooden branches" too (it was a bit redundant, it would've been a great spot for another adjective), and knives don't really "hit" hard (no one gets "hit" by a knife, they get "stabbed"). You're one to watch for me.
3. Witch_Privilege - Patiently Waiting
The emotion in this felt… cold? This really should've hit me hard because I can relate to the lyrics all too well, but your emotion here felt distant? I think it was that you were often quite blunt, and there were simple, predictable rhymes that stopped this from reaching the next level. For instance, "thought/flawed", "life/survive," and "fun/delusion." The language and even entire lines felt familiar, though I really liked that you went balls to the wall with the craziness in the chorus. The second "of" in the last line of the first verse could've been deleted, I think that would've flowed better. I cringed at the last line of the first pre-chorus.
4. Vulnicura - Cordyceps
Girl wtf is this title? I hope this was your last "omfg I'm so stressed let me throw something together" entry, cause this sure read like it  I got what you were doing with the last verse, but there was so little setup in this song in general that the punch you were going for really never came. The story was super vague, it was literally just a "you left, I'm heartbroken" song with some bug motifs to fit the challenge and be somewhat less cliché. I still liked your language per usual, and this was really only bad for your standards, but I'm still really underwhelmed. I want more substance as opposed to you just rewriting the same content twice, like the first and third verses and the chorus and bridge.
5. Navyofbadgals - Icy Walls
The tone in this piece overall was a bit whiny, it was like a toddler's bitter rage: you could tell that the narrator was upset, but they lacked the vocabulary to display that effectively. For example "rudely pushed", "You are making me cold," and "I want you to be with me" were all elementary lyrics. You needed stronger adjectives and more edge to your lyrics. The whole point of making art is to communicate something that can't be effectively conveyed otherwise, but the lyrics here would've been fine for casual conversation. The rhyme scheme for the chorus and the chorus, in general, was pretty poor, just rhyming you/you, walls/walls, and me/me before throwing us/behavior at the end did not work at all. The tense shift in the second verse wasn't handled well, while the tense in the chorus felt really mangled ("You built…I try…You rudely push…").
6. Nait Phoenix - Cicada's Lullaby
There are still minor issues and oversights in this entry, do you share your songs with other contestants? If not, you should start, I think a fresh set of eyes fixing mechanical issues could really bump you up a full point on its own. The "but" in the first verse was contradictory, it doesn't make sense in the context, while "wouldn't" should have been "won't" to keep up the parallelism (side note: the first verse was the best part of the song). "What must I make for you to need me?" was a really weird line, "make" doesn't feel like the right word since physically "making" something to get someone to not just love but "need" you doesn't feel practical. The "swan song" detracted from the Cicada's lullaby; on its own I think it would've been a clever play, but by doubling it up with the cicada AND the butterfly (while writing for the bug type), it stuck out as a poor inclusion. The chorus was somewhat weak with its call and response nature; I think it would've worked better as a pre-chorus or intro/outro. I wish you would've stuck to the bug imagery that you set up in the first verse in the second verse as well. At this point, I feel that you're using familiar language, clichés, rhymes and whatnot without adding your own spin. What WOULD a Nait Phoenix spin be? How can you set yourself apart from the crowd? I'm sure there's a great writer lurking within you somewhere, but you're letting a defeatist attitude cover it up.
7. Jaxswim
"Our hearts might not make perfect shapes / But that don’t mean we can’t be great" YAAAAAAS! That was a great couplet, but the rest of the song produced mixed results. The way you used "glass eyes" it made it seem like you were in a ballroom full of blind people with fake eyeballs  The first verse and pre-chorus, in general, were pretty rocky, the lyrics were choppy and bland, but the last three lines of the verse had some quirk to them. I wish you would've made the song entirely about a fairytale falling apart (from the beginning to the end, not just the middle to the end when the story starts getting interesting), those lyrics where you gave the cliché's a new twist were where you shined. I liked the concept, but those first dozen or so lines where you didn't do anything interesting really held this back.
8. UFO - Ghost Returns
Did you send one song, two songs, or a dissertation? I felt like I could finally legally buy a drink after finishing your song. Anyways, I LOVED the concept, it was a really awesome utilization of the Ghost-type and a common situation. This is the second week in a row that I've been awestruck by your willingness to not just create a song but create a fully functional piece of art. That said, the language and smaller concepts within lines and stanzas were very muddy throughout, and made this a chore to read. You didn't need all of these lyrics to get your point(s) across, the entire first verse felt disjointed and redundant; you could've very easily taken that entire section out and still had enough content to have a pretty long song. For next week, keep up the work on the big picture, but don't overload yourself or your reader with small details.
9. lovesong - Running/Memory
You nailed the challenge, and you created a really lovely atmosphere. I wanted something stronger to latch on to, the most prolific image here was oddly headlights. Why the headlights as the main image? It's not a particularly pretty or magical image, and you didn't really hit on the idea of traveling or cars (ex. "Ex-friends slipping out onto the street... We can move slowly"). Your astral imagery was a nice touch, though, I love that you sprinkled imagery in as opposed to stuffing it down our throats (I could literally never). I think there could've been a stronger story and concept here in general, but the fact that you made this work with so little is something to be admired. Please make this an actual song, though, this just reminds me of the nights I have with my friends back home and I adore it 
10. Citrus - Rock Slide
This entry was a kii, I lol'd at the Property Brothers line  I didn't get too much rock from this, I get that houses can have rocks on their façade - and in this case brick - there just wasn't enough direct connection to the challenge for me. Even the genre was Country, not Rock! As for the song, though, I LOVED this. This was better than "To" for me. My only issues were the "contractor" line which was corny, and the reuse of the "trees" line for the Outro. You did an excellent job with the lyrics and the execution of the concept. It wasn't perfect for this challenge, but the song by itself damn near was!
11. Achilles - Alakazam (Get My Man)
I thought this entry was fairly good without any glaring flaws, but it fell a bit flat. You stuck to your type and theme and delivered them well, but I didn't care for exaggerated style and exclamations that came off as corny. You had some shaky purely lyrical moments: the first verse was really pained with simple rhyming, while the last line was almost comedically random. The second verse was better, but it didn't feel necessary to the song; I don't need or care to know your exact process for hooking people on you. I liked all the little tidbits of other songs that you incorporated, specifically in the chorus. There weren't any brilliant moments or ideas in here like with your intro, which is what I like to see. This was probably just a bump in your PH9 road; it just comes with the territory.
12. CountryBritney - Lullaby
On the first read, I didn't care for this at all, but on the second, it clicked. I could hear this as a gutwrenching ballad. In the verse, "Fantasy" wasn't the right word to use since you described a nightmare, while "View" in the chorus was SUPER forced. The use of "Fairy" there felt jarring as well like you choose that word only because your type was fairy. The rest of the chorus was lovely, however. The verses were a bit bland and didn't tie in that well to the chorus with each one having their own metaphor. I want less simple rhymes and predictable language for next week, but this was a strong entry nonetheless.
13. mxtthewdelrey - Harvey
This was nice, you're continuing to show your versatility as a writer. The flow of this was really nice and the verses were particularly strong, but the chorus was very weak, especially with the pretty useless repetition of the first stanza in the second (the use of "Gold" at the end was forced a bit as well). The outro didn't have the same flow as the rest of the song, with the larger words/phrases like "venomous attachment" and "contaminated my heart" being really disruptive to the simple style and vocabulary elsewhere. A more specific nitpicky moment, "uncomfortable" wasn't the best word to use since you described a situation that far exceeded the applicability of "uncomfortable." Keep experimenting with your topics and structure, it seems to be working (just don't go back to the realm of "Osmosis" please)!
14. MattyTacos - Where the Gods Played
The Flying vocabulary here was really contrived: "With fast agility he is free to soar" (you served "Wooden Branches" with "Fast agility"), "I can’t be his co-pilot or his acrobat", "With his sense of altitude he stays airborne" and "will I be able to fly evermore?" Those instances of forced language made this a bit of a clunky read, with your meaning actually being hurt by the metaphors, not helped. The first stanza of the first verse felt like two completely unrelated couplets as well. I wish you would've capitalized on that 10/10 title as well, by playing with it in your song more. Otherwise, this would've been a pretty brilliant entry.
15. feelslikeadream - Wild
The imagery here was striking, but the execution overall was lacking. The second verse was the low point of the song: the use of "dream" was a biT irrelevant, and the vines line REALLY disrupted your romantic atmosphere with too much violence. The first verse meanwhile was ended by an unremarkable and boring couplet. I didn't think that your really extreme use of grass growing worked that well either; by pinning your story down to such a specific and real location (Central Park), it conflicted with surrealism of the grass and weeds and whatnot. I get what you were going for, but it was hard for me to buy into what you were describing by being real and surreal at the same time. Anyways, your use of fire imagery was an interesting play and the chorus was excellent.
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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I basically only use the original 152 Pokémon.
I don't know anything newer than the Blaziken generation.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Blue Pokémon often get Purple shinies tho
But yes, green shinies are the PITS.
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yes purple shinies are the best!
Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Funsparce does drag the other gimmick flops. Icon!
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stan!
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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@swiftchick you said and I quote "If you had written this in paragraph form, it would even pass as prose to be honest. " so is my song too prose to be in lyrical form or too poem-y to be a song? Of course it's my opinion, just like you have yours. Are we so politically sensitive nowadays that we have to state that it's our opinion before making one? If you don't care about my song then FINE. Next time don't send in an application to become a judge 
Btw I'm only feeling this strongly since my song is about death so I would hope that the people in this competition can understand and respect my anger right now. I'm not flipping out, I'm just a little frustrated. There's a difference! 
I'm not one of those contestants who can't take criticism and only says "thank you" when a judge praises them. I actually welcome criticism when it's fair and just.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I think its the BST of the Pokemon.
Shaymin has 600 BST, and I got a fairly positive review. lovesong got Xerneas and he also has a positive review. Let me arrange them from best to worst BST.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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The title is "Where The Gods PLAYED"
Fix it Trump! Make my entry great again
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
The title is "Where The Gods PLAYED"
Fix it Trump! Make my entry great again
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oop
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 16,101
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
8. UFO - Ghost Returns
Did you send one song, two songs, or a dissertation? I felt like I could finally legally buy a drink after finishing your song. Anyways, I LOVED the concept, it was a really awesome utilization of the Ghost-type and a common situation. This is the second week in a row that I've been awestruck by your willingness to not just create a song but create a fully functional piece of art. That said, the language and smaller concepts within lines and stanzas were very muddy throughout, and made this a chore to read. You didn't need all of these lyrics to get your point(s) across, the entire first verse felt disjointed and redundant; you could've very easily taken that entire section out and still had enough content to have a pretty long song. For next week, keep up the work on the big picture, but don't overload yourself or your reader with small details.
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WOW THANK YOU CLARKSON SLAYS
To think that my efforts have paid off, I don't deserve these kind words 
I really do try to avoid being cliche every week and try to deliver something of emotional value to the judges. That will always be how I am! I agree PHENOMENALY with the critique about the language being "very muddy". I do have a problem with making sure I convey the message while trying to avoid being too blunt. I can't seem to find that balance but I know I will soon! I apologise for the length, I honestly had no idea  Thanks for telling me that I should focus on the bigger picture more! I feel like sometimes I'm not detailed enough so to be told that I'm doing something right means so much
FULLY FUNCTIONAL PIECE OF ART OMG
As a judge I hope you know that you have made me so happy right now and no it's not because your comment was more positive than swiftly, but thanks anyways!  I'll definitely take your critique into consideration.
Oh yeah and one more thing: when I came up with the concept Return to Earth it was originally going to be a standard song about wanting someone to come back from the dead but I wanted to turn it on it's head and write from the perspective of the person who died.
I hope the judges realise this, thank you very much  I appreciate all your hard work and I hope you know this when you judge me in the future.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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ok so now it's time to read the other people's reviews so I can build up more knowledge of how to write lyrics properly in this Platinum Hit competition.
@tymps I'm super sad you're quitting, I honestly enjoyed your Fiona Apple-inspired sex songs  even though I have never read them I always cackle at my anus bleeds for you
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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@ufo I know the whole prose poetry in my comment was conflicting but what I meant was that the messy structure and rhyme scheme made it feel like a poem and the anti lyrical language made it feel prosey like it was more of a composition than a song
I'm a human and sometimes my thots are hard to articulate!
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Pokedex #s, with later numbers = higher placement?
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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oh wait @swiftie you said "it WOULD even pass as prose" oops sory I thought that said wouldn't  that's why I was confused
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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In terms of clues
Hugamari - Regular Shaymin #492 [Legendary Pokemon]
Vision - Regular Keldeo #647 [Legendary Pokemon]
Witch - Shiny Gothorita #575
Vulnicura - Regular Dustox #269
Navyofbadgals - Regular Sealeo #364 (Not Fully Evolved to Walrein)
Nait - Regular Kricketune #402
Jax - Regular Wigglytuff #40
UFO - Shiny Chandelure #609
Lovesong - Regular Xerneas #716 [Legendary Pokemon]
Citrus - Shiny Regirock #377 [Legendary Pokemon]
Achilles - Shiny Alakazam #65
CountryBritney - Shiny Gardevoir #282
mxtthewdelrey - Shiny Scolipede #545
Matty - Shiny Staraptor #398
fefe - Shiny Roserade #407
Going to assume the numbers are not significant and the tiers are
[Shiny + Legendary]
[Legendary]
[Shiny]
[Regular]
Which would mean the ordering is around
Tier 1:
Citrus - Shiny Regirock #377 [Legendary Pokemon]
Tier 2:
Vision - Regular Keldeo #647 [Legendary Pokemon]
Hugamari - Regular Shaymin #492 [Legendary Pokemon]
Lovesong - Regular Xerneas #716 [Legendary Pokemon]
Tier 3:
Achilles
CountryBritney
mxtthewdelrey
Matty
fefe
UFO
Witch
Tier 4:
Vulnicura
Jax
Nait
Navyofbadgals
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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I keep rereading my song and I'm starting to feel like it's the type of song that uses lyrics to create an atmosphere / mood, rather than to tell a story or evoke an emotional response... which is bad because lyrics-for-atmosphere type songs generally don't read nearly as well as they sound when paired with a complementary production.
I should stick with the storytelling style songs. 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
@ufo I know the whole prose poetry in my comment was conflicting but what I meant was that the messy structure and rhyme scheme made it feel like a poem and the anti lyrical language made it feel prosey like it was more of a composition than a song
I'm a human and sometimes my thots are hard to articulate!
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oh mess oops I forgot you were human
I totally understand what you were saying lol I was just a little pissed because obviously the song was important to me and death isn't a "nice message".
I definitely see how it reads like a poem
This outburst obviously won't affect how you judge me in the future so I can't wait to write more songs. Have fun at the Grimes concert
Oh btw California sounds like ass  I hate that song and her whiney voice! 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
In terms of clues
Hugamari - Regular Shaymin #492 [Legendary Pokemon]
Vision - Regular Keldeo #647 [Legendary Pokemon]
Witch - Shiny Gothorita #575
Vulnicura - Regular Dustox #269
Navyofbadgals - Regular Sealeo #364 (Not Fully Evolved to Walrein)
Nait - Regular Kricketune #402
Jax - Regular Wigglytuff #40
UFO - Shiny Chandelure #609
Lovesong - Regular Xerneas #716 [Legendary Pokemon]
Citrus - Shiny Regirock #377 [Legendary Pokemon]
Achilles - Shiny Alakazam #65
CountryBritney - Shiny Gardevoir #282
mxtthewdelrey - Shiny Scolipede #545
Matty - Shiny Staraptor #398
fefe - Shiny Roserade #407
Going to assume the numbers are not significant and the tiers are
[Shiny + Legendary]
[Legendary]
[Shiny]
[Regular]
Which would mean the ordering is around
Tier 1:
Citrus - Shiny Regirock #377 [Legendary Pokemon]
Tier 2:
Vision - Regular Keldeo #647 [Legendary Pokemon]
Hugamari - Regular Shaymin #492 [Legendary Pokemon]
Lovesong - Regular Xerneas #716 [Legendary Pokemon]
Tier 3:
Achilles
CountryBritney
mxtthewdelrey
Matty
fefe
UFO
Witch
Tier 4:
Vulnicura
Jax
Nait
Navyofbadgals
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Something like the bolded.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by UFO
oh wait @swiftie you said "it WOULD even pass as prose" oops sory I thought that said wouldn't that's why I was confused |
Mess
Also I didn't mean to offend by the nice message, I just meant that I loved your concept
And yeah California is trash
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