Achilles –
While the opening line isn’t quite as amazing as the opening of You’re So Vain, it’s still pretty good, and it sets us up for the allusions you scattered throughout this song referring to it.
I find the Carly Simon reference interesting, as it feels as if Simon could’ve done the female part: except in this song, it’s made clear she only thinks she knows everything about this playboy, while the male narrator gives us a full perspective. A clever use of two voices.
Good on you for rising to the challenge and improving from last week. I hope that you continue trying to use the challenges to push your songwriting in unique directions.
UFO –
I do enjoy the effect of how combining the two voices literally represents their union, which is a nice take on the challenge.
There are some moments where how you chose to divide lines affected reading, but you were consistent by following up with a similar division in the next stanza, so I assume that was for effect.
I think you took the advice on how to present your songs to heart, so good on you for that. You haven’t quite hit a way to illustrate your themes in a way that’s emotionally resonant, but I feel as if you’re someone who consistently picks up steam throughout the season. Try explaining your characters’ emotions more vividly for the next round.
Ausdaniel & Element –
I was worried that the majority of the duets we would receive would go for the obvious repetition of a central line with just the subjects swapped, and this played exactly into that fear. It’s not a particularly clever way of trying fulfill the challenge of writing a duet. The two characters view their separation exactly the same, yet shouldn’t they still be together if they knew the answers? As a writer, it’s your job to either elaborate on what separated them in the first place, or what happened that caused them to view this event identically after the fact. As you’ve written it, it does sound natural, as neither character bares any true fault or resentment. It’s a less mature take than I’m hoping to see in this competition.
Though I’ve been talking about a duet, I feel like these criticisms could apply to a solo piece as well: I hope you both take them to heart, and try to make your characters more three-dimensional moving forward.
Jaxswim & CountryBritney –
This was a good take on the duet aspect of the challenge. Like I’ve mentioned in other reviews, I feel that good duets have two characters view the same event in different ways, and your song definitely does just that.
Person 1 being without remorse, a romantic, and selfish, while Person 2 is saddled with guilt for both parties is a great contrast. There is a flaw, however, in how Person 2 sings the final two lines of the chorus, “think of him/lose yourself to sin”. It seems out of character for that voice, and probably should’ve been assigned to Person 1, or rewritten to better reflect Person 2. Make sure to keep your characterization consistent.
Jpow –
I was worried this wasn’t going to make good use of the duet format of this challenge, and that this would be a by-the-numbers clubbing song, but the bridge marks an interesting shift in the piece that makes your take more novel. I wouldn’t have assumed that the Blue character would be the apprehensive one, but it’s a development that somehow makes sense. Regardless, waiting for the last fourth of the song to shift your song into unexpected territory isn’t the best choice: it should be consistently engaging.
There’s some nice use of imagery in the first half of the bridge, but it’s definitely a step down from all the senses you were invoking last week. Overall, this had a bit of spark, but you can’t be hesitant while throwing punches: make your whole song have impact.
Witch_Privilege –
I feel that there was a bit of confusion in regards to how you characterized your two voices: I don’t understand why Person 2, who is cheating, is also the character who Person 1 says doesn’t trust them. It’s a conflicting presentation of the situation, and it makes your characters blend together, something you want to avoid in a duet.
In regards to content, you could’ve dug deeper into what Person 2’s paranoia stems from: as writers, I think it’s important that we imagine questions I readers might have about our songs, and then preemptively solve them in the writing process. Try that in the songs you write in the future.
Ughgabriel –
“It hurt me when I found out you lied” is a line that you should never let get put onto paper. Something this emotionally distant doesn’t communicate the speaker’s true feelings at all. For the most part, this song presents an overly-simplified and clean take on a case of infidelity. It’s nothing that we haven’t heard before, but it’s the writer’s job to give their unique spin on the concept.
This is overly neat: it’s stated that feelings are hurt, but how damaged are they? The cheater is presented as if they cheated for no reason and instantly realized “oh, that was not very nice”. Humans are more complicated than that: “why did the cheater stray?” “What caused them to feel remorse?” “How long did that take?” were questions that were racing through my head, but I didn’t get an answer. I left unsatisfied.
Moving forward, you’ll should try to add more flaws to your characters: here they’re presented as perfect people, despite the infidelity, and I have no doubts they’ll work it out in the end, which takes away any kind of suspense. Avoid such shallow characterization in the future.
Buyonce1814 & Ceremonials –
Really enjoyed the extended metaphor of this piece: it was consistent in application, and your underlying narrative was always clear. It was a clever way to spin the “girl melts bad boy” concept. The classic horror motifs were also a unique touch which further elevated the piece.
The only misstep arises in the bridge, where I felt like the female’s acknowledgement of her having the upper-hand was not characteristic of how she was described as a victim in the beginning. It’s uncharacteristically cocky, and breaks away from the horror motif.
Besides that aspect, good job with handling this challenge.
Feelslikeadream & HausOfNiko –
Some remarkably poignant writing here, with “If buildings fall, new ones rise to fill in the spaces left in the sky”, “But you can never come back and expect to find the same skyline”, and “When those lights burnt out I had to tear them down and take new photographs in this shadow town” being the clear standouts. I like the distinct viewpoints of the two characters, with the first being obliviously romantic, while the second is resentful of the first.
The bridge weakens this characterization by making them both acknowledge the decay of their relationship, however. I feel like the piece is more interesting with the first speaker remaining unaware and optimistic. Other than that, a well-handled piece, and an improvement from last week for the both of you.
Citrus –
Your song applies very nicely to me, it’s quite scary! It’s probably that closeness that makes me feel like this wasn’t as great as it could be. Maybe that’s unfair that I’m comparing it to my own experiences and expectations, but I can’t honestly shake the voice telling me “that’s not what I would’ve thought in this situation”. I could point out those moments in your song, but that’d be boring and unimportant, right?
Putting that aside, I feel that simplicity worked for you this week, as it did last week. You could have a real niche in writing this “slice-of-life” songs, rather than the usually more dramatic stuff we get. I’m interested to see were you go.
Vulnicura –
I’d advise contestants not to add a preface warning us that their entries suck. Have confidence! Although, your fears were founded this time: this entry really is subpar.
Most glaring is how inconsequential the additional voice is on this song. You didn’t rise to meet the challenge we presented you at all.
The 1984 reference was a somewhat interesting start, but it’s honestly the most interesting part of this piece.
I know you’re a good writer, so I’m not going to worry too much about this (Although I still can’t give you a good score in good conscience.). Hope your exams went well, and I beg all contestants to ration their time better so we don’t have to read efforts that are less than your best!
Ventitonic –
Although you included two distinct voices in this piece, the Blue voice was fairly inconsequential. It felt as if he had no impact on Orange, as Orange seems to never reply to Blue’s thoughts, and simply made up their mind on the own. If there was some sort of interplay, it needed to be much more obvious.
This might’ve been too short, in fact: Blue plays more of a support character, rather than having motivations of their own. Blue being an unintroduced character cheering on Orange out of the pureness of their heart is hard to believe, and might have been fixed with more development devoted to them. For your songs in the future, try to give all perspectives a fully fleshed out view of the situation.
Keshaspearsxo –
Dylobs –
After reading this, I’m a bit surprised that your characters mention how their partner won’t ever know of their inner struggles, yet the audience isn’t clued into on what those inner struggles are either. We’re inside the character’s head, so those secrets shouldn’t be guarded: your audience is curious as to what your characters’ hang-ups are, that’s what makes them interesting. Don’t leave your audience with questions.
Content-wise, I can’t discern a clear plot underneath the layers of prose. A bit too much of elevated language which serves no other purpose than to impress, as well as some overuse of adverbs which don’t further any ideas. Next week I urge you to dress down your language a little bit, and compensate for that by digging a bit deeper into your characters. See how that tweak to your style affects your next song.
Whew. That went a lot better than I thought, haha. I LOVE the “When those lights burnt out I had to tear them down and take new photographs in this shadow town” line too. (It's Fefe's not mine of course )
This was a good take on the duet aspect of the challenge. Like I’ve mentioned in other reviews, I feel that good duets have two characters view the same event in different ways, and your song definitely does just that.
Person 1 being without remorse, a romantic, and selfish, while Person 2 is saddled with guilt for both parties is a great contrast. There is a flaw, however, in how Person 2 sings the final two lines of the chorus, “think of him/lose yourself to sin”. It seems out of character for that voice, and probably should’ve been assigned to Person 1, or rewritten to better reflect Person 2. Make sure to keep your characterization consistent.
Hmm, that line def should have belonged to Person 1. I'm wondering if the coloring got lost between my submission and Tilly's re-submission? I just checked my notepad and in the one that I made, it belonged to person 1 or to both depending on the chorus... idk.
Dylobs –
After reading this, I’m a bit surprised that your characters mention how their partner won’t ever know of their inner struggles, yet the audience isn’t clued into on what those inner struggles are either. We’re inside the character’s head, so those secrets shouldn’t be guarded: your audience is curious as to what your characters’ hang-ups are, that’s what makes them interesting. Don’t leave your audience with questions.
Content-wise, I can’t discern a clear plot underneath the layers of prose. A bit too much of elevated language which serves no other purpose than to impress, as well as some overuse of adverbs which don’t further any ideas. Next week I urge you to dress down your language a little bit, and compensate for that by digging a bit deeper into your characters. See how that tweak to your style affects your next song.
Not as savage as I thought it would be. Thanks to all the judges for reading my entry. I know it was terrible and even though I've been very flippant about it, I'm aware that what I submitted was below average and was not reflective of someone who had made a big effort. I do apologise and will bring something more thought out next round
Jpow –
I was worried this wasn’t going to make good use of the duet format of this challenge, and that this would be a by-the-numbers clubbing song, but the bridge marks an interesting shift in the piece that makes your take more novel. I wouldn’t have assumed that the Blue character would be the apprehensive one, but it’s a development that somehow makes sense. Regardless, waiting for the last fourth of the song to shift your song into unexpected territory isn’t the best choice: it should be consistently engaging.
There’s some nice use of imagery in the first half of the bridge, but it’s definitely a step down from all the senses you were invoking last week. Overall, this had a bit of spark, but you can’t be hesitant while throwing punches: make your whole song have impact.
I'm glad you saw where I was coming from this week I can see what you mean about waiting too late for the song to start getting engaging, I was struggling with how much pre-story I needed for everything to be understood.
Temporal sorry to be annoying but do you mind forwarding me the message that CountryBritney sent as her resubmission? I've already seen it but I just wanna see how it eventually turned out with coloring and formatting
And temp even though youre my least positive review again when will I impress u
I like your style and the meat of your writing, but you're being too verbose right now!
Quote:
Originally posted by Jaxswim
Temporal sorry to be annoying but do you mind forwarding me the message that CountryBritney sent as her resubmission? I've already seen it but I just wanna see how it eventually turned out with coloring and formatting
Yay Temporal cited one of my favorite lyrics of my song ("storm"), and 8th thought it was an improvement!
I was totally ready for 8th to say that my last two lines were the best and the whole song should've focused more on that. For the second song in a row. Kinda surprised he didn't.
And he caught the "You're So Vain"-ness of the song, too. I didn't actively try to reference it, but the opening line of my song is definitely the love child of the opening lines to "You're So Vain" and Dolly Parton's "Romeo." And I do think the song, if actually produced, would have the soft rock / acoustic pop / folk pop kind of sound to it. That's how I imagine it, anyways.
I'm gonna post this just to honor what I think is an amazing stanza~
We had an original middle 8 (100% written by CountryBritney, not gonna take any credit for it) that eventually got thrown out in the final submission. I think it's really great and holds an unfortunate truth in a way so I want to post it for everyone to see
yay
There will always come a time
When the love withers and dies
And the way we feel inside
Is something we can't hide
I can see what you mean about waiting too late for the song to start getting engaging, I was struggling with how much pre-story I needed for everything to be understood.
I am goddamn screaming on a train 
yay