| |
Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
|
perched for results, tho I was only top 10 on Jackson's (+ a few drags) so I'm not expecting much
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 5/6/2012
Posts: 15,354
|
OMG AM READY.
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Batch 3
Quote:
Vulnicura
Nice, consistent use of the sextets, the structure of your song along makes it stand out.
Technique-wise, it's solid. My only nitpick would be to advise against using negatives to uphold the rhyme scheme/meter ("with no passive hound" implies there is no hound, when I'm pretty sure what you're saying is that the hound is very active, or vicious.)
This fits the brief, and I like the storytelling work here. Good job, overall.
Musickid203
You've got consistent rhyme scheme and meter pretty down pat, so there's not much of note, there.
I feel like the first two stanzas and last stanzas of your pieces are on completely different characters. The first half is aggressive and sexual, but there's a sudden shift to a meek and uncertain personality in the latter half.
I think you included the latter half to add a sympathetic situation to put your character in: but in that case, I think you should've tailored a character who fit naturally in this scenario, rather than trying combine a song about sexual aggression with one about a yearning for emotional intimacy. My tip for you is to make characters that are consistent in their portrayal.
Speezy
I think you misunderstood the challenge: this is long enough to be a full song, and I don't get the feeling of a scene being set up, which is the general purpose of an intro. Try to make your adherence to the challenge more apparent in the future.
You understand rhyme scheme, although the rhymes for the most part are pretty labored and obvious. Your real problem is meter: making the syllable counts between lines similar, with the same stressing. You'll need to get a good handle on natural rhymes and firm meter before we can get into an in-depth subjective reading of your piece.
Regarding your song's concept: it's pretty shallow, with just repetitive rephrasing on the core subject of running. You should've probably gone into the emotional aspects this running metaphor stands for, rather than making it the sole crux of your piece.
In the future, try to make something more varied. I also suggest you run your songs past someone really familiar with English, who can point out unnatural rhymes.
Colton
I wish you would've committed to the war-theme of the first couple stanzas.
You understand rhyme scheme, although you should try to go for less obvious couplets in the future. Use more slant and assonant rhymes.
Your meter and stressing is wildly off, making lines that are right next to each other jarring to read. You want to keep syllable counts similar between lines, and if not, the stressing of each lines (HOW the syllables are emphasized in the sentence) should be complementary. I'd focus on perfecting meter, from here.
Obsession
Love the commitment to theme, as well as the appropriate diction that further advances the concept. I think the "sin" line could've easily been omitted, however.
I don't have much to say about this other than it being very neatly-packaged. The song is great, technique-wise. Just focus on coming up with unique and diverse concepts over the course of this competition, and you'll do fine.
C/H/A/N/E/L
Note to contestants: please don't try to include audio syncs if we don't ask for it, it breaks immersion, and won't affect your score, anyways.
Your meter and rhyme scheme is pretty acceptable. What I want to focus in on is the concept: the "Virgil" guide to hell/mayhem concept is a bit of cliche, but it can be made interesting with good, original imagery. That's absent here, where you list off some stock phrases about chaos ("keep your wits about", "only hope", "off the rails"), where you really should've given more detail about the scenes that will be seen, and how insidious and horrifying they are.
Don't pass up opportunity to shock and dig into imagery, in the future.
lovesong
Technically solid: good example of ellipsis to eliminate unnecessary length ("I'm not where I thought").
Conceptually, this was a miss for me. It may be a result of me reading quite a great deal of entries before yours, but this doesn't really stand out, it lacks an aspect of voice or personality. I'd try making your characters more memorable from here on, give them some kind of trait that can be observed through the way they describe their actions or situation.
Lucky#17
"But you gotta put in..." Is hilariously cheeky and flirty, and is a great use of the short line structure to subvert the audience's expectations, good job, haha.
I like how you structured this piece, and how it begs you to read the next line, due to key details being broken between the two ("it's too bad..." What's too bad? "That you've only gotten a taste" Ah, I see!).
The balance of syllables between lines in the sung parts is off-putting, however, and works against the interesting structure. I'd work to tighten meter up for your future songs.
A few missteps in phrasing ("right on your veins"), but otherwise, this is a surprisingly well-done and flirty entry.
Alesus
Some parts of this are a bit too shallow with the imagery, but the overall despairing tone makes up for it. You worked hard to set a mood, something I hope carries to your other songs.
The weakest part of the song would have to be your bridge: the badly/gladly line is very labored, and the sentiment of looking for a tether to this word kind of works against the hopelessness of the piece.
I do greatly enjoy the turn of phrase "life is even worse than it seems". If you continue to include hard-punching lines like that, I think you'll do well. I'm interested to see what you can do with a longer song, and if you can make it consistent in mood.
Urban
Well, the meter and rhyming is solid, but the content is rather shallow and repetitive.
I think the core phrase of your piece just makes it too goofy: "new-new me is who I like to be" sounds like the key hook to a song-of-the-week in a children's daytime program. It's a much too shallow idea, with no elaboration on how the person changed, or what a "new-new" person details.
Going off of that, I'd be more aware of what you're saying: "a shallow grave" lessens the accomplishment of lifting yourself out of despair, doesn't it? It also can't really have "depths".
In short, this is an immature look on a "changed person" story. You need to get more specific if you want to stand out in this competition. What specifically prompted change? What were they like before? Why was that awful? These are all questions out should ask yourself.
Ventitronic
This was a bit needlessly wordy: "retrospectively diminishing" just frustrates me, it doesn't impress me. The simplest line in your piece is honestly the best: "someone was more in love with the other, and I have no one to blame". It's dressed down and exposed emotionally, and I don't have to dig for what you're trying to say beneath the literary wank.
I want you to try something a bit different with your next song, or sometime in the early rounds, where you can play around a bit: make a song that's more exposed than this one. There are touches of raw feelings in here, but they're made just a bit too nice-looking when presented as "these malignant feelings have gone benign", for example.
Element
Really nice length, good on you for fitting the challenge's brief.
This is fairly simplistic in concept, but I don't find myself feeling cheated of any detail. It's a complete piece, which is great.
"Every vibrant thread of green" is the highlight of this song, as it's a bit more original than the rest of the imagery you detail. The other lines should've been brought up to this level of freshness.
Overall, your song is pleasant. I'm hoping for something a bit more extreme, however.
Anonymous
This is lacking in structure, without good cause. It reads more like free verse than a set of lyrics. You'll need to learn to use patterns in your lyrics if you want to advance in the competition.
Content wise: this probably should've been longer. The concept is easy to digest, but it's too briefly stated, with a sudden shift to a pessimistic view. There's no believable transition between the start and the end due to length, is what I'm saying. Work to expand your songs, and take tips that the judges have given to other contestants about how to implement meter. There's simply not enough for either you or the judges to properly work with, here.
Midnight
I feel like you made yourself adhere to your rhyme scheme too strictly, as if you wrote couplets because they rhymed, but didn't flesh out the meaning behind them. This is pretty dense, and I can't really decode the meaning behind this song. It seems as if it's trying to be enigmatic, but it confounds, rather than teases. Take heed of our advice about basic meter and stressing to other contestants, and maybe take a crack at something less esoteric for next round.
Pecinta Mariah
I really like the concept of your piece: "I have inspiration, but no way to form it" is an idea I find fascinating.
There are some grammatical issues that take from this piece, as you probably know. Those can be fixed with more vigorous proofreading.
The meter is almost there, and although the song lacks a rhyme scheme for the most part, but the consistency in structure almost counters its absence.
There's a good concept here, but it's missing a lot of polish. Like I said before, be more meticulous with your proofreading. It'll help if you get started on your songs early and submit on time!
|
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
I won't be here in <1hour 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
|
Why am I Taylor Swift (if I am)? Although I love her, so slay! 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 5/6/2012
Posts: 15,354
|
Thanks 8th!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
okay fats
1) Madonna on a bench = Waiting... by Lucky#17
4) Charlie Puth - fefe because 9 Track Mind got a 37 on metacritic
9) TS debut album - Grand debut ausdaniel
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
Wait there are three new entries before jpow so how did he fall four spots? Idgi
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
I swear it said beach  that's why it made no sense. And I just had Fefe and Daniel mixed up. Your welcome yall for solving 80% of it 
Even though we already have his comments 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Is Fefe 37 or something?
|
There was a reference to 37th Street in his song or something i think. That hint was a biT sadistic tho
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
|
Thnx 8th
Round 2 coming tonight as well?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
Ok so my top 10:
1) Lucky #17
2) Achilles.
3) Alesus
4) keshapearsxo
5) Musickid203
6) Fealslikedreams
7) JPOW
8) Citrus
9) Ausdaniel
10) Hugamari
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 5/6/2012
Posts: 15,354
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Speezy
Thnx 8th
Round 2 coming tonight as well? |
Tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
|
Thank you for your comment 8th. I'm not usually one to write about myself, so I can definitely see how it wasn't as conceptually interesting or endearing as it could have been. I'll try to keep that in mind for next time!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 7,055
|
HDD: YoungCalifornia to debut at #54 with 200 copies sold!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
|
I just saw that pun 8tg put in mine 
|
|
|
|
|
|
