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Originally posted by 8thPrince
14. Country Britney
To put this bluntly, I want you to learn how to focus your songs: you demonstrate you know how to properly structure rhymes and meter at some points, but you aren't consistent in what rhyme scheme or meter you want to use in each stanza. Your song theme is also unfocused: it starts with a focus on you and your transcendental dream, then shifts to a second person's secret dark side, and ends with the song's narrator celebrating and indulging in the other person's dark side? It is rather hard to follow, and going forward you should focus on fully fleshing out one idea.
Additionally, steer away from being wordy, as it leads to redundancy: two adverbs are not needed to say "always trying so hard" (Also, "Precautionary" is a word that is synonymous with cautionary, but the phrase is only ever "cautionary tale"). Don't include words just to preserve a meter, it lessens the impact of each individual word.
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The 'precautionary' thing was a mistake. Feel a bit silly now
Sorry about that.
I disagree with the song theme being unfocused though. After reading it back, I think maybe I should have added an extra stanza to link the theme together a little bit, but in my defense, as an intro, I would expect the rest of the album to put the pieces together.
I guess I likened my intro to the opening credits of a movie where you see a scene from the end before you see the beginning. Not to everyone's taste, and I'm sorry it wasn't to yours. I'll try and change your mind next time though for sure
Thank you for taking the time and effort into reviewing my song! Always good to have feedback
I've always wanted to be in someone's sig