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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Formatting 8th's reviews now, it's taking a little while to delete the scores  |
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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 Batch 1
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1. Wonderlust
Yep, it definitely feels like an intro: but is it a song? It reads more like narration due to the lack of verse. I think it communicates the promise that your body of work will be a new experience for listeners, in an enigmatic way albeit, but I think that the enigmatic intro is a bit of a cliche in songwriting, don't you? You do seem to understand the importance of mood, but if you want to move further in the competition, you must start using a more solid song structure. Try also using a rhyme scheme.
2. Nait Phoenix
Very strong initial verse. Strong rhyme scheme and meter, with nice description of a scene, cleverly doubling as a metaphor for the theme of your song: the butterflies standing for the diverse nature of people, and the latter verse of shattered glass referring to the pursuit of perfection. "All most like it never mattered": Unfortunately, you lose your way at this part. I feel like the first verse, and theme of the piece, truly, is too universal to shift the song to a "me, I..." centered song. You state your theme in a very plain matter at the second stanza, and while nicely stated in the preceding verse, it comes off as trite when stated so flatly. Even choices of rhyme become more predictable here. Then in the third, meatiest part of your intro, it is disappointing that it also the weakest part. Sloppy diction and rhymes ("Mixtures" and "fixtures"...?), restating of ideas you've already covered in a much more deft way ("We're all different and diverse in this universe" is just the first two lines of the song paraphrased.), weak meter, and what I find to be the biggest misstep in the song: the fourth to last line.
"Be happy you're on this Earth" comes off fairly forceful and patronizing, which dashes the tone of this piece, which for the most part was subtle in the opening verse. You've demonstrated some real skill in the opening verse, now I ask you to keep a consistent tone and style throughout your songs going forward: this was just a short intro, so you might run in to some problems with inconsistency as the songs get longer later in the competition.
3. Bey Admired
My first piece of advice to all contestants: please circumvent the censor if you're going to include profanity in your song, it breaks immersion with the words being obscured. Secondly, try to avoid writing in musical cues, such as "fade out" or "instrumental break", and so on.
This lacks any structure, in all honesty. Meter is completely absent, and rhyme scheme is notably absent, bar the "goodbye/cry/eyes" lines... But that's OK. We can learn how to develop structure. With meter, start with counting syllables on your fingers: try to keep a consistent number between each line. That's a basic start. Then, rhyming will be easy: you just write the lines so that they end with a good matching sound. You can do this in pairs, quatrains, any grouping you like. Just make sure your meter and rhyming is consistent. Consistency is key: if there's a pattern, the judges will pick up on it and give you credit for it.
Now, here's something that might not get picked up quickly, that you'll have to find for yourself: tone, mood, and style. I can tell you were trying to write an angry, bitter song, but at the same time, you wanted to come off as sophisticated. It worked against you in this case. The first verse and last verses are without-frills, and vulgar. The second and third are sentimental, and their word choice clashes with the theme of the song: would an irate person such as the protagonist of
Red Sky truly use words like "conniving" and "unequivocally dross" in a fit of wrath? Going forward, try not to sacrifice emotion for sophisticated word choice.
Speaking on emotion: profanity is not the only way to convey anger: a mature writer demonstrates emotions through actions more often than hammering it in via profanity. Try showing your audience how your character feels going forward, and see how that suits you.
4. Xedretinz Lododnz
My advice to all contestants: avoid including adlibs and notation for riffs/melodies/gang vocals in your songs, such as "oohs" "ahs" "nas" and "las", it breaks immersion as we cannot hear your song as you imagine it.
XL, I am glad that you seem to have a good grasp on meter! A headstart on that skill will be helpful in the first couple of stages of the competition. Your rhyme scheme is also there, somewhat.
I think you can advance past the initial rounds, but to do so, you have to tackle your biggest challenge: clarity. There's word misuse here that muddies the smoothness of the song. I feel like you can easily overcome this difficulty and learn how to use more natural language, simply by running your songs by a proofreader as you work on them. Ask them to point about anything that's difficult to understand. Eventually, I'm sure you'll start picking up on these word choice problems yourself, and will outgrow the need for a proofreader.
5. E-Raine
Note to all contestants: please follow the rules to the letter in the future, and include any labels or explanations the judges ask for, no ifs or buts about it. It makes judging much easier. Also, try to keep the explanation of songs to a minimum, and include them after the song, or in collapse tags. Finally, please format your lyrics in columns, not as paragraphs. Thank you.
Well E-Raine: the rhyme scheme and meter all are satisfactory, but you do realize you jacked Corinthians 13:4's meter, wording, and parallelism, don't you? If this wasn't from the Bible, it'd be considered plagiarism... Besides the hopefully unintentional knicking, there's not much development of a story or theme going on here, the scope is much too small. The Corinthians similarity is also disappointing as that passage is famously chanted with a defined cadence, and not sung: I can't begin to imagine this having a melody, making it closer to narration than lyric. Moving forward, try to write about topics you can elaborate on with more nuance, as this piece is fairly repetitive.
6. Vision
The extended metaphor between the animal kingdom and inner turmoil was a very nice idea. Also clever is the prey double meaning. Not sure if this was intentional, but the escalation from "no more" to "once before" to "twice" is a cleverly crafted detail.
The only thing that is off is stressing: that is, how are the words in each line emphasized where they fall, in comparison to other similar lines? Do some research into stressing to learn a bit more about this, it's a necessity for natural lyrics. Also odd was the length of the last stanza: it was a bit off-putting to end with a grouping of six, when all the other stanzas had octets composed of alternating couplets. You're denying the audience a release of built suspension when you alter structure so suddenly.
Your dedication to your theme is appreciated. I think you could do really well if you keep work like this up. Keep this sort of commitment to detail and concept while moving forward.
7. Macrocycle
Super important message and another Macrocycle classic: I love it.
8. Tymps.
This made me laugh, which is great: the first song of the season to elicit an emotion from me. The wordplay is actually clever, and while some might view this as a joke song, it has a lot of personality, and is just the right amount of tasteless. I totally could see this being on CSS's first album, or on an Anal Cunt record.
Most importantly, the rhyming and meter is spot on. I wish everyone could read this, it's a good blend of technique and voice, something I hope other contestants can emulate.
9. Hugamari
The meter and rhyming is obviously on point, so there's no need to mention it.
Thematically and via the parallelism of the lines, I get a What a Wonderful World vibe from this song. It's a bit too goody-goody/sanitary/Debby Boone for me, but other people are bound to disagree. You've already got a fine grasp on songwriting, so I don't see the need to give you any advice.
10. Moonchild
You did really well in the competition last year, but I think you need a wake-up call:
I'm not sure what happened in this song, but it's not the quality I would expect from a Top 10 contestant.
Lazy rhymes (Rhyming "phone" and "alone" is tantamount to writing "it's a Saturday night, feeling alright, dancing to the morning light". It's predictable by this point.), weird choices of words to satisfy meter (I've never heard someone refer to a barkeeper as a "barkeep".), and extraneous words to satisfy meter yet again ("Just" can almost ALWAYS be excised from a lyric. Even if not, don't include it in two lines back to back, it only pads length without enhancing meaning.). Personifying alcohol brands is also trite by this point, in all honesty.
Even with all the concessions you made for meter, it's still slightly off. The first two stanzas are especially stilted. Verse length is also a problem: you set the song up with a quatrain and close it with one, but the middle two stanzas are quintrains, with no real reason for doing so. It's OK to play with structure a bit, but it should be done for contrast or emphasis, where here nothing overly important develops in the fifth lines. Even then, the quintrains' final lines aren't even similar in length, rhyme, or meter. A good "punchline" or "release" of the tension a change in structure brings with the final line would make the changes worthwhile, but here there was no such catharsis.
I feel like the hook is fundamentally flawed as well: "missed connections" is quite a clunky phrase. Additionally, it's most commonly attributed to chance encounters between strangers, not telecommunication networks: even in the way you used it for this song, the connections weren't "missed". That would be more akin to getting on an metal-plated elevator and being unable to receive a signal. Missed connections is a bit too "cold" and clinical of a term to equate to human contact.
I don't think this works: it's disappointing, to be honest. I'm just going to say this was an off-week, I'm sure you'll get back into the groove of things moving forward, this was just a bit rough.
11. UFO
I like how the knocks become integrated with the body of the song with the second repetition of them: they compete the first stanza, and pair with the "I travel in the dark" line.
Your structure for this intro is loose, which I don't think is a bad thing, but I feel that while the looseness helps the song to stand out with the first stanza (Again, the knocks ending the first stanza are what make this effect/stylistic choice work.), it works against ease of reading with the following stanzas. I think the the last two stanzas can both be split in half, and it would aid in comprehension without sacrificing structure. As is, it looks like you abandon your meter scheme.
Moving forward, try to incorporate more tricks like you did with the knock lines, as it helps your song stand out. Just be a bit more cognizant on how presentation/line grouping influences perception of meter, as here it made your song appear more complicated than it really was.
12. KeshasFanRose
Note to all contestants: try to avoid noting musical cues, it breaks immersion.
This is fairly repetitive. You tried too hard to cram your hook in ("lies he changed me"), and it disrupts the flow everywhere it appears. Even more upsetting is that it makes very little sense as it a phrase.
Here's the long and short of my advice: keep it simple. The narration, musical cues, and repetition were all unnecessary, and just made your piece frustrating to read, rather than adding sophistication or detail, which I felt was what you were aiming for ("Bring a remembrance for those who took my breath away" is just wordy and overcomplicated, it's not intriguing, in all honesty.).
For your next song, you should aim for something simple and well-presented, with an easy to follow rhyme scheme and meter. We can work up to more detailed stuff, but in this case, you've bitten off more than you can chew.
13. Truffle
The last two stanzas are much stronger than the introduction, as they have solid metering and rhyme scheme. I'd work for that going into the future, rather than the murky form of the first stanza.
Additionally, I think it would benefit you to go simpler: I like the images of picking a flower or shard of glass, but you add so many words that pad out length and lessen the individual impact of the subject (The multiple "ands", "one of the broken shards" is overly wordy when simply stating "a shard" would do.). It also leads to some situations where you misuse words ("reminiscent" isn't the word you're looking for, "reminiscing" is.), or use double negatives (I won't forget, not a second"). Try keeping your word choice precise and non-redundant from now on.
14. Country Britney
To put this bluntly, I want you to learn how to focus your songs: you demonstrate you know how to properly structure rhymes and meter at some points, but you aren't consistent in what rhyme scheme or meter you want to use in each stanza. Your song theme is also unfocused: it starts with a focus on you and your transcendental dream, then shifts to a second person's secret dark side, and ends with the song's narrator celebrating and indulging in the other person's dark side? It is rather hard to follow, and going forward you should focus on fully fleshing out one idea.
Additionally, steer away from being wordy, as it leads to redundancy: two adverbs are not needed to say "always trying so hard" (Also, "Precautionary" is a word that is synonymous with cautionary, but the phrase is only ever "cautionary tale"). Don't include words just to preserve a meter, it lessens the impact of each individual word.
15. FCKNAmbrosia
Aw, I read this was a reggae song and expect much edgier material.
Appreciate that you've clearly demonstrated a penchant for storytelling, but on a technique level, this leaves much to be desired.
You understand rhyme scheme, but your meter is all off. I'd attribute that being a symptom of the real problem of your piece: diction.
Advanced vocabulary will NOT enhance your score. It feels as if you made a list of big words you wanted to use, and went and designed lyrics around them. That's not how it should work: you should pick words that best express the idea you want to communicate. Many times here you used barely-sensical words where a shorter word would have expressed meaning much better.
Don't sacrifice clarity and conciseness to try to impress us: you made me feel as if I was reading a selection from an English Literature assessment.
16. Conatus
I feel like this was the perfect length for this challenge. Good job on tailoring material that fits the brief.
There are a few missteps in diction (windows are a weird thing to personify, "washing away water", and "virgin sunlight", light can't be virgin as it isn't tactile.), this is solid technique-wise. It has a good emotional resonance that heightens tension, a good aspect for an interlude. Good job overall. I don't see why you couldn't do well if you just keep an eye out for detail.
17. Witch Privilege
Solid technique-wise. Though the rhymes are fairly predictable: try assonant rhymes in the future to spice things up. The metering is also fairly static throughout, so as the songs get longer, you'll need to diversify this, as well.
So that's your goal from now on: give us something unexpected and nuanced.
18. Haus of Niko
You've grasped basic meter and rhyme scheme, but you're not as successful in picking the best choices of words to express an idea.
For example, the song is from the viewpoint of a rebelling teenager: I don't think they would refer to themselves as a delinquent. Likewise, they wouldn't be self-aware enough to call themselves impulsive (Also, that line about "impulsive teenage memories" not only doesn't make sense, but is also just wordy for the sake of adding sophisticated language.). Realize that HOW you sequence words also has an effect: never should dying come before an action like "acting greedy" (Fairly labored rhyme, by the way.).
Most importantly, I don't think the central metaphor "spraying memories" works due to it being so vague in interpretation, as well as having... Unfortunate implications.
From what I've read from you, this is your most focused song yet. Make sure to be more discerning in word choice from now on, okay?
19. mxtthewdelrey
You know, this reminds me of something that could be on Lolita Storm's GFSU. It's got a bratty vibe, and it has a perceivable personality and voice, unlike a lot of other entries. There's something other contestants could take from this admittedly strange entry.
Because of the voicing of the piece, the simplistic diction actually works. The rhyming is there, as well. The thing that is truly off is the metering, which I've touched on in a lot of entries. Getting the syllable count between lines to match is the basic start to smoothing that out.
You know, besides the addition of a strong meter, with a few layers of polish and some great punchlines/witty one-liners, this would've been an entry to beat, for me.
20. Bloo
I can tell you're trying to insert an emotional charge into this song: which is a good start, and the heart to a great song. But as is, you're missing a good presentation. I'm referring to strong metering and rhyme scheme. I can't begin to really help if these aren't grasped. So for your next song, here's what you need to do:
1) Have consistent counts of syllables between the lines of a stanza (How you'll start learning meter)
2) Ending each line with some pattern of rhyming: like every other line, or in pairs, or all rhymed.
Most important is that you establish some sort of clear pattern with your meter and rhyming.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
I'm as serious as Metacognition of the Big Toe Aphrodisiac, which according to some judges means I'm serious af soooo
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I'd rather y'all be really open about it then not know at all like the last 2 seasons. Not even knowing how far away from that next placement is a bit discouraging. You have no idea how much better someone did than you  It could be perceived as a bit early, but we've been waiting a good sis century because of sign ups. 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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drag my nationality 
Waiting for Jackson to hit me with a 3 piece and 8th to burry me
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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the essays  slay me
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Yeah, I'm trying to make up for the long wait with some extra tea!
I can't believe 8th's post didn't go over 25k characters
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Thank you 8th! I'm glad someone recognizes the genius
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Idk about the others but I only want empty compliments in my critiques
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Quote:
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know you know that you need a "to" to complete the lyric and that you cut it out to complete the rhyme
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Yep dddd
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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what genre does Rihanna's Consideration fall into?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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8th has 9 more entries before his Batch 2 reviews are ready. So just a little longer for those!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Idk about the others but I only want empty compliments in my critiques
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Wait actually my fave feedback in S6 was when Huga just spent a paragraph telling me I have a **** personality, do that again pls
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 16,101
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Ok. That's a pretty good review, I think.
I'm feeling confident.mp3.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Quote:
Originally posted by Witch_Privilege
Ok. That's a pretty good review, I think.
I'm feeling confident.mp3.
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Theres apparently no eliminations this round so
If you get out the first elimination round
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
9. Hugamari
The meter and rhyming is obviously on point, so there's no need to mention it.
Thematically and via the parallelism of the lines, I get a What a Wonderful World vibe from this song. It's a bit too goody-goody/sanitary/Debby Boone for me, but other people are bound to disagree. You've already got a fine grasp on songwriting, so I don't see the need to give you any advice.
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Yeah, I know cutesy lyrics aren't for everybody! Things are simply more exciting if there's drama, and there's nothing dramatic about my song. I can completely understand that viewpoint. Glad you think it's good from a technical standpoint, given I pride myself on that.  Thank you, by the way!  Impressed you did that all on your phone.
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Well I think I must have a fairly decent score from 8th simply because he had nothing bad to say about my song. He found something to say for mostly everybody else.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Buyonce's AVI is heading for the PH hall of fame
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Idk about the others but I only want empty compliments in my critiques
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Quote:
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Well E-Raine: the rhyme scheme and meter all are satisfactory, but you do realize you jacked Corinthians 13:4's meter, wording, and parallelism, don't you?
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what the ****
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
7. Macrocycle
Super important message and another Macrocycle classic: I love it.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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I want batch 2 
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