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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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Quote:
Originally posted by ausdaniel
Guys where can I find batch 2 reviews????? I just arrived and wanna see comments. Any page numbers??
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how is china
edit: how is backpacking across europe?
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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The Nazi satellites one during the jigsaw puzzle  sad it didn't come through
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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BATCH TWO
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21. OreGuy - Chances
I liked the story this entry told. Although fixing subtle rhyming issues could have made this stronger, I do like the image this paints in my head. Also, on the second stanza you have two different tenses and it sounds awkward (going from past to immediate future) and it ruins the whole "sophisticated" vibe of the song, which at times also got annoying ("then, pronounced as clowns") as it felt try hard for lyrics. But overall, it was a pleasant read.
22. jpow - Something Wonderful
Let me commend you for the flow of the song  It felt like a pleasant waltz while reading this out loud. You had some poor word choices, with "rays" only seeming useful to rhyme. I loved the adjectives changing in the last line in every stanza, it showed progression in the entry without an actual storyline. I don't really like the "my brain's delight" line because it conflicts with the imagery used in the rest of the song. It's very human-specific as opposed to the universal feelings expressed otherwise. This is still a very solid entry and I loved the concept. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
23. Tylerbv - The Door
The first verse was literally a person speaking. The only attempt at lyricism was the word thunder but it was a forced rhyme and felt unnatural while reading it. I will say, I am digging the concept a lot. The rhyme scheme was all over the place, either not there or forced as I've stated before. Working on that will do wonders. I adored the last stanza which was a very redeeming quality about your entry. It's effortless and lyrical as opposed tot sounding like a typical conversation as opposed to the rest of your song. "[A] frightened good luck," was an amazing choice of words allowing for the words to illustrate what you meant so beautifully. Develop that further and you'll go far.
24. Wild Child - Escaped
Locked up in your overused and confused imagery... The second stanza was the only salvageable part of this entry. Problems in the first one included chains, the forced rhyme "deranged," and "wouldn't had." The third stanza did good at pushing the story line along, but that's it. Pay attention to your tenses, you switch from past to present a lot. Now, the second verse, that was really good. Every single line was useful which is hard to do sometimes. I liked the "high prickly weeds" although it did sound too poem-y but for me, it worked.
25. Buyonce1814 - I
Sorry, what? I'll commend you for taking a risk because I know for a fact that you knew this was a mess. You went from licking a spoon in a Disney-like fashion to dousing yourself in bleach. The imagery clashed everywhere, going from casual restaurant, to religious, to well, Beyonce's bathroom rituals. This felt obnoxiously arty but I have to hand it to you, at times you pulled it off really well. I liked the second stanza, especially the line "the smile that enamours your prey into submission," despite this jungle-like description once again clashing with the imagery in the other stanzas. Because each stanza did have its own structure, your song felt patched together. Some lines/word choices that did not work at all: "fasting for a whole month," "Quran," "exterminate," wreak havoc," and "enraptured." Some lines/word choices that held this together: "Of how you want me to be / of who you need me to be." Some parts felt like you stated the obvious like "not realizing that I'm losing myself." I see that All For You reference  The hot macchiato was a nice return to the cafe imagery but overall, you should've cleaned this up some more. I do really appreciate the unique style, though. And last season I named a song "i," my impact!
26. ughgabriel - Psychotropic
I get why you used psychotropic but I still didn't like the word choice. In fact many of your word choices were a bit too thesaurus-y. For example in "this confusion was the genesis to a new state of mind," the word "genesis" sounds forced and a simpler word like beginning or start would've done the same job but without sounding pretentious. I did love the overall cohesive imagery though, it kept the piece feeling whole despite its variations in structure. Speaking of structure, I liked the second stanza being short and sweet. It signifies a transition really well and the actual language was also beautiful. "But my droopy eyes met with your narcotic glance," is so  I appreciate the message behind the story, you told it in a very original way, good work.
27. YoungCalifornia - I Knew A Kid
Woah, rap king! Although some lines such as "losing all his breath to life," and the one immediately following that one are awkwardly worded and clunky, the majority of the song has a very good flow and most of the lines are striking, showing progression eventually leading to the shocking ending which genuinely made me surprised. It made the song so much deeper. "His mom's addicted and distant..." was such a great line. Your rhyme scheme was on point even if some rhymes were too easy. With more polishing this could have been amazing but it was still good.
28. Ceremonials - Madness Ends
This sounds like a great folklore song that has been passed down from ancient times; the flow lent it that vibe. Although some tiny words could have been added or edited to fix the subtle, but important meter inconsistencies (specifically in your song because you made the reader expect a strict flow), a lot of the song was well put together. The dialogue was on point and it was a refreshing quality about your entry. Lines like "and you'll never learn to fight if all you do is run," and "you can never hide behind the barrel of a gun," were simple but so efficient. I rolled my eyes when it started out with " that cold December night," but you quickly fixed yourself. You painted a very vivid image in my mind. Combine that with a unique topic and you have one of your best lyrics to date! I hope you to see you develop your style even further this season.
29. Petals - Dawn
I get the message of the song and it was nice albeit typical but your language is flawed and it deters the message from being delivered as gracefully as it could have been. Right from the first stanza, rhyming "dusk" with "husk" is a no-no. Also "no matter how hard I think of it" is not a good follow up to your opening sentence, it sounds very awkward. The sun rising, the drowning, the light, eh, it all seemed so usual and predictable. I did like the "or if I can cry another tear," line a lot but not the one before it so it didn't deliver as much as it could have.
30. Navyofbadgals - Black Sand
I love the concept a lot; your explanation cleared up a lot of things. The repetition of black sand in the first stanza wasn't bothersome and I like how you repeated a word in the following line. For instance "I'll look... wasteland / a wasteland I created," it doesn't always work, but for your song it did. I was very confused with the "creaty," I'm sure it was a typo but if was meant to be "create," it wouldn't have been the best word choice. All in all, was short and sweet. Good job.
31. SorryImLuke - Refresh
The first thing that I noticed was the seemingly unintentional switching of tenses. It's a very easy mistake to make but ruins the flow of songs. Also a lot of the language used is very unexciting but there were some great lines. "The darkness had bid farewell," is not one of them. I do like the vibe of the initial stanzas, it was very lyrical with lines such as "took steps back out of the room," which made it sound like a song. The concept was okay, but I could tell there was emotion behind it, even if I couldn't connect well with it because of the general language being used.
32. Achilles. - Red Carpet Funeral
This is one hell of an intro I get a creepy, dark, circus meets Madonna vibe from this. Name dropping Beyonce could have been bad, but it fit well here. I love the satirical language, it made yours stand out. There were a few iffy points such as rhyming dust with interest, but your imagery and cohesive word choice really elevated this entry. It feels like a good actor not breaking character. The "this monument is monu-mental," line could have also been tragic but it wasn't because you provided the right vibe for this line to work. I can see the concept of the album that's ahead, very American Life meets Confessions on a Dance Floor. This, for me, was so far ahead of the pack. You're proving that you indeed are not a one season fluke (let's hope I don't speak too soon).
33. MattyTacos - The Whole World Is Watching Me
Hm. The concept is very well thought out, I'll give you that. I had to reread this a couple times out loud because the flow kept being interrupted and I couldn't concentrate on the forthcoming line. It was not as lyrical as I would've liked but I absolutely adored the "they're made of cardboard boxes and strings," line. It has so much meaning (looking at you cherry skies and wine tinted blood!  ) I wasn't fully impressed by the language, it felt more appropriate for prose (approsepriate, if you will/pun). I will commend you on the storytelling; this entry progressed really well from looking up at the clouds (which by the way, ugh, it's so basic) to seeing the lights go down as the show comes to a close. Some awkwardly worded lines included "there was a point where I found them to be lovely," and "all I worked for has been for this pivotal role." Pay attention to syntax, it's just as important sometimes, especially in lyrics because it basically exposed "lovely" and "role" as forced rhymes when they didn't have to be. It was an enjoyable entry, nonetheless.
34. TheCheetahWings - Stagnant
You employed excellent literary techniques in this song. Emotionally, I felt like it could've been stronger had you not used familiar language like "you were a nightmare/fantasy," but I did enjoy the "nightmares are only dreams," it says a lot without saying a lot and summarizes part of your concept well. The repetition of stagnant was a little harsh for me, it interrupted the flow but being that the word is stagnant, it almost makes sense. The regrets/cigarettes rhyme should've never happened but I can see what you were going for there, imagery wise.
The rhyming scheme was a mess in some parts and if fixed, it could have elevated this entry. Although it wasn't bad, it didn't stick out.
35. Jaxswim - Welcome to Me
I low key was annoyed at the intro but I won't hold that against you. This entry was all forced rhymes and very little flow. Those two qualities don't mesh well. It felt like an inexperienced white boy being asked to freestyle and this is what came out. I'm sorry, the language, the concept, everything felt tired. Try bringing more structure and original language into your work (or at least this song, I'm not familiar with the rest).
36. ausdaniel - Grand Debut
I loved this from first read. The flow, the attitude, the feel of it all was spectacular. It really did feel like an intro, pulling the audience in while making us curious about a journey that is about to take place. That's what an intro should do. Your meter was on point in each section and although I wasn't a fan of "this is my grand debut," I can overlook it a little because it fits in well with the concept here. It's as if we are about to watch a one man show. Your language was simple but it was effective (except it's write off, not ride off) and the idioms felt carefully chosen. That isn't as easy of a feat in my opinion, so kudos. Lines like "these are my scars and these is my truth," could be done without but "a mystic compilation," was placed well even if "compilation" isn't typically lyrical. Good job.
37. Dylobs - Excorcism
The language used was beautiful, but much more poetic than it had to be. I will say, you took a typical concept (freeing yourself from you) and a typical metaphor (exorcisms) and presented it in an utterly original way "At the brink of fracturing inwardly," was not very well worded in my opinion and it felt kind of try hard. "Also cool it with the adjectives, sometimes a simply-stated sentence is much more powerful. If you had deleted "purifying" thus becoming "my last resort is this remedy," it would've sounded a lot better. But overall, not bad. The extended metaphor held this piece together well.
38. feelslikeadream - W. 37th Street
Edgy name, breh. Anyway, this was actually a really sweet entry. I loved the little specifics that made it very personal to you. It takes a skilled writer to not make them sound out of place. I loved "[b]ut I'm getting close to 37th steet/getting close to the end of this dream," although dream was an easy rhyme, it made sense. I thought "[s]earched like I was a man gone blind" was rather clunky, badly worded, and overall a bad metaphor (though it could have worked). Overall the first verse was not a very nice introduction to what would become a good entry. Introductions are important, though. Anyway, I like the simple question, are you home? It's so sad when you think of all the weight behind it. I must say, I'm a little on the impressed side of things!
39. keshaspearsxo - Companion
Cute concept, very single girl living in New York City-ish. Condescending humor aside, I absolutely adored the structure/flow/meter of this; it came off as rather effortless. There were some word choices such as "unearth," that I think felt out of place. Most of your song has a rainy photograph feel to it (especially since it was outro and it felt like you were leaving something behind) and unearth just didn't fit unlike "filter," and "blur." It was short and sweet.
40. Citrus - Toothbrush
Slay @ your concept. This felt like a Mariah Carey song with its little clever nuances. The small but important details of you going from your bed to the bathroom make for great lyrical progression without trying too hard. Sometimes your meter is a little off, however, and it is an easy fix most of the time. I don't like that you stated the obvious in "who would've thought that such meaningless things.." because that's better left for the audience to think about in my opinion. It sort of takes out the romance away a bit. The last verse was hit or miss. But other than that, I was impressed that a song called "Toothbrush" could be so deep!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
You CANNOT do this to me.
I CANNOT burst out in laughter at 2 in the morning while all of my family sleeps. |
Mess, I'm cackling out loud, luckily my parents are heavy sleepers!
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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The jigsaw puzzle was a kiii because my word meant "to inherit the characteristics of your mother's former lover" but it was also the name of a Greek myth about a boy who killed his father, so I took the cop out route and did not write about the meaning of the word Sam meant I should. 
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 2,955
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Quote:
Originally posted by Element
how is china
edit: how is backpacking across europe?
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I got back from China literally at the start of last season, and used the money I earned to backpack  I can't tell if y'all are accusing my of lying again or finally believe me.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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I was impressed that a song called "Toothbrush" could be so deep!
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I just have a deep mouth
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Quote:
35. Jaxswim - Welcome to Me
I low key was annoyed at the intro but I won't hold that against you. This entry was all forced rhymes and very little flow. Those two qualities don't mesh well. It felt like an inexperienced white boy being asked to freestyle and this is what came out. I'm sorry, the language, the concept, everything felt tired. Try bringing more structure and original language into your work (or at least this song, I'm not familiar with the rest).
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okay this is more what I was expecting. not mad tbh.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
I just have a deep mouth
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bitch, me too. The ****?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
I just have a deep mouth
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Let me make some quick links 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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Quote:
Originally posted by ausdaniel
I got back from China literally at the start of last season, and used the money I earned to backpack I can't tell if y'all are accusing my of lying again or finally believe me. |
that's so freaking cool t b h
i wish i could do something like that
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 2,955
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So mixed from Jackson, relatively good from Temp and pretty damn good from Swiftie 
Guys I'm stoked thank you so much
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
33. MattyTacos - The Whole World Is Watching Me
Hm. The concept is very well thought out, I'll give you that. I had to reread this a couple times out loud because the flow kept being interrupted and I couldn't concentrate on the forthcoming line. It was not as lyrical as I would've liked but I absolutely adored the "they're made of cardboard boxes and strings," line. It has so much meaning (looking at you cherry skies and wine tinted blood! ) I wasn't fully impressed by the language, it felt more appropriate for prose (approsepriate, if you will/pun). I will commend you on the storytelling; this entry progressed really well from looking up at the clouds (which by the way, ugh, it's so basic) to seeing the lights go down as the show comes to a close. Some awkwardly worded lines included "there was a point where I found them to be lovely," and "all I worked for has been for this pivotal role." Pay attention to syntax, it's just as important sometimes, especially in lyrics because it basically exposed "lovely" and "role" as forced rhymes when they didn't have to be. It was an enjoyable entry, nonetheless.
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Stan for my favorite line as well. 
What exactly is a syntax? Educate me a little.
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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I can see the concept of the album that's ahead, very American Life meets Confessions on a Dance Floor
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I hope you're not expecting to see this concept album in my entries this season. 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Originally posted by Swiftie
22. jpow - Something Wonderful
Let me commend you for the flow of the song It felt like a pleasant waltz while reading this out loud. You had some poor word choices, with "rays" only seeming useful to rhyme. I loved the adjectives changing in the last line in every stanza, it showed progression in the entry without an actual storyline. I don't really like the "my brain's delight" line because it conflicts with the imagery used in the rest of the song. It's very human-specific as opposed to the universal feelings expressed otherwise. This is still a very solid entry and I loved the concept. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
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Thank you for the great review I'm really glad you enjoyed it and I hope I can keep it up!
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Everyone liked my concept/final stanza but hated my rhyming/lack of imagery. I'll take it 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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random q that just popped into my head
has anyone in PH history tried to submit lyrics that weren't their own?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 35,912
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oh bitch, if you think i'm going to stop using seizure-inducing colours yo wrong!
#AESTHETICS
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
You employed excellent literary techniques in this song. Emotionally, I felt like it could've been stronger had you not used familiar language like "you were a nightmare/fantasy," but I did enjoy the "nightmares are only dreams," it says a lot without saying a lot and summarizes part of your concept well. The repetition of stagnant was a little harsh for me, it interrupted the flow but being that the word is stagnant, it almost makes sense. The regrets/cigarettes rhyme should've never happened but I can see what you were going for there, imagery wise.
The rhyming scheme was a mess in some parts and if fixed, it could have elevated this entry. Although it wasn't bad, it didn't stick out.
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Everyone liking the "nightmares are only dreams" line  I'm glad you liked the song overall despite some issues  thank you.
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