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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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You posting the ratings as well, a kii!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Save your scores girls 
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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I'M DONE. I CAN'T HANDLE THIS, SWIFTIE TAKE OVER. 8TH'S REVlEWS WILL COME TOMORROW. BYE.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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 thanks for the expose TemporFAT
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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The scores killed me 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jaxswim
Wait also I have no idea what Back to Me is 
No shade but do you mind explaining? |
the Season 9 theme song, stream here 
Quote:
Originally posted by Element
omg wait ausdaniel is alive?? i thought he was in china
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WHAT is this side of you, are you drunk? 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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I'm so mortified  To be fair, Truth Teller did the same thing in S7
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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BATCH ONE
Quote:
1. Wonderlust - Intro
First of all, please try to send your next submissions without the seizure-inducing background and color choices; plain text will suffice for this is a lyric competition. Speaking of lyrics, I wish there were more. I get your intentions behind the minimal amount of words and repetition but it really has no place in a competition like this. It's too short and it doesn't give us, the judges, enough to, well, judge. It should be able to stand on its own as words, but this does not. I will say, though, that you did show a bit of style among the nothingness, which isn't always easy. Yes, I'm disappointed reading this BUT I want to see you improve so bring it next round! This competition is about growth and I hope these critiques will help you do that rather than disillusion you with writing.
2. Nait Phoenix - Underneath the Skin
The opening was pleasantly effortless; it rolled off the tongue quite beautifully. I wish it would have stayed that way. After the first stanza, it only goes down. Although most of the song features a strict meter, it falls flat in some awkward word choices such as "sheath," and "commonfolk treated like mixtures." The message is beautiful but rather hackneyed. As I said before, the first stanza was brilliant. It felt original but not without meaning. The rest feels tired or contrived. It's still a solid entry for the first round. "Butterflies with differents patterns / Beautiful like rings of saturn / Brightly-colored paper lanterns / Shining in the dark," is is gorgeous and where you shine.
3. Bey Admired - Red Sky
It started off very Don't Hurt Yourself by Beyonce-ish but lyrically, it's nothing brilliant. I get it, though; not every song has to be poetic in nature. Things did not get better as it went along. In fact "you're just unequivocal dross without a soul," is probably the most out of place thing you could have said. It's almost comical and doesn't match the lividity (is that a word?) that the rest of the song explores, nor is it consistent with the language style you used. Also, asshole is not a good word choice, ever, I think. Yet I appreciate you going all out with the concept. It felt honest and sometime's that's good enough.
4. Xedretinz Lododnz - Black and White
I like the concept, it's certainly not something I hear all the time. However, reading this out loud isn't fun (there wasn't much flow) and some phrases are awkward ("do we fear of dying," "makes nothing to be important,") and it almost sounds like English isn't you're first language nor strong suit. However, I don't want to judge you harshly for that, it wouldn't be fair, just be more careful and ask others to read your songs (that's an easy way to avoid language issues). Again, good concept, with an okay execution.
5. E-Raine - Love Persona
Please, if a challenge asks to tell us if it's an interlude/intro or whatever, just do it. I'll guess and say this is an interlude, but anyway it was awfully short. While I liked the two sentences you provided, none of it felt original. In fact, it feels like 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. You said it was very personal but you wrote only general messages. This does not stand alone, sorry. Also don't do this: love-in(g) me without a purpose. It felt random and distracting. I will also say this feels more like spoken word poetry than a song.
6. Vision - Cruel Kingdom
This read as an amazing poem. Although there were some choices that interrupted the atmosphere (once bitten, twice shy = Last Christmas, sorry!). Also, there were subtle meter problems that could've been easily solved thus giving your entry a better flow. For instance, by placing "the" in front of "truth" in the fourth line, one can read it without feeling uneasy about the missing syllable and it doesn't change what you're trying to convey. Try staying away from forced rhymes (rife/strife) because it makes your efforts feel pretentious. I think I'm going to love your style, though! This isn't perfect, but it has a lot of potential. Oh, and your imagery was on point. I had a very clear image of your setting (very reminiscent of Kingdom Bells  )
7. Macrocycle - I have to quit sorry Temporal
Was this a troll entry? It sure felt that way. Even if it was meant ironically, it was not cleverly done (though there was potential). Maybe it was meant to be messy? Like a messy intro to an album that covers a wide range of things? I dunno, I didn't get it. Also, there were no technical aspects to the song to hold it together (again, it could've been on purpose but the execution was poor). Funny title, though. Maybe you are giving up?
8. Tymps - Metacognition of the Big Toe Aphrodisiac
The title the actual lyrics I admire that your personality shines through in this. This is unique and the imagery is very original ("my anus bleeds.." I hope that's metaphorical) but not without meaning. I can't believe I got the message from those words, but it works in a strange way. I probably wouldn't tolerate a whole season of this, but for now, it's good. This isn't the worst thing I've read  and the last line sums the whole thing quite beautifully.
9. Hugamari - Welcome to the World
This is conceptually beautiful, but basic in execution. The imagery used is tired and it reads as many songs do. The third stanza was the strongest and my favorite. Yet despite its basic attributes, I cannot help but be moved. I, as a person who wants a child in the future, can relate to this and I hope to feel what this song describes. To some extent, the easy going imagery does exemplify the serenity and innocence of a newborn child, but I know you can do better than this. Oh, and it's frozen not froze!
10. Moonchild - Missed Connections
I will say, I was expecting astral imagery. I see you're pulling a Katy Perry and being risky~!. Joking aside, I liked this a lot. It shows you do have the ability to show diversity and I felt the helplessness you conveyed. I did not like the first stanza, however. More specifically, the usage of missed connections. It does not work there as it does for the rest of the times you used it. A tot of gin also sounds too bourgie for a country song. Also barkeep, eh, poor word choice. Other than that. good job. It transitions into a satisfying last stanza. There were some brilliant lines that required little to no imagery and to me, that's very satisfying. Some of it felt very Taylor Swift-like (though not as poignant). For instance "your laughter never hurt so much /I never knew I could miss the way you breathe," and " And I call your voicemail just to hear you again / Am I just a missed connection in the end?" I can see you're gonna do well this season as well.
11. UFO - In My Head
I liked the knock, knock, knocks. They felt almost desperate which helped the song deliver its message. However, the structure was messy and it was not easy reading out loud without having to stop and start over. Sure, sometimes structure can be sacrificed for the sake of substance, but this wasn't as graceful as it could have been. Also some world choices towards the end "warriors in the night" and "roller coaster ride" almost compromised the mood you were going for.
12. KeshasFansRose - He Changed Me
(Atmospheric EMD instrumental) (Spoken) Okay, so I think your first entry was better. This one felt like you were just using repetition for the sake of using it. It feels like a Lana Del Rey parody; it's just wallowing in boy troubles without much substance to back it up. Yes it's an intro and it's supposed to be short, but I feel there wasn't enough meat to the lyrics. Also "lies he changed me," and "he will beg me, beg me to restart?" are very awkward to read and in general the structure is messy. I'm sorry to say but I'm disappointed that you resubmitted. The first verse also feels very detached from the style of the rest of the song.
13. Truffle - For You
Lucky number thirteen! Okay, the opening verse was a recollection of every heartbreak song ever; it was almost quilt like in the organization like you patched it together. I almost want to delete it. However after the yellow brick road cliche mess, the song got better. I love the reiteration of the flower. There's something very deep and melancholy about "and I go back to pick up that flower for you." Repeating that in the third verse with the mirror was also a nice touch. I do think a lot of the language you used is uninspiring but it will improve during the season if you take the criticisms and fix the little things. Calm down with the cliches, and bring out more big guns like the flower line  was this your first entry ever? If so, I hope up is the only way. I see potential in you. Oh, and work on your meter. It was scattered throughout.
14. Country Britney - Transcendental Dream
This read as a video game opener to me (Kingdom Hearts came into mind). It had beautiful language in some parts but it never read as a song for me. I usually try not to make that an issue because some of my favorite songs could stand alone as poetry but this is a lyrics competition after all. I would say abiding to a stricter meter could help this. But I really enjoyed the content; it addresses the reader so it's easy to be pulled in. The imagery was also very well embedded within so it didn't feel forced. Good job on that. This is not the best nor the worst of the batch, but I am looking forward to seeing your style develop in the future.
15. FCNKAmbrosia - Ain't No Joint
There were some very enjoyable moments to this. "I had holy scripts... complaint," is one of my favorite couplets so far! Yet there were times where forced rhyming ("parent"/"transparent") took away from the song and much of it felt like a thesaurus (using genesis was not necessary here). I can read the reggae vibe throughout the song but some lines felt out of place ("you stared to tremble, to look aberrant") and the structure could do with a little touch up (mostly the meter). The "memory of your sensuality" is awkwardly worded too, but there's something that works about it in this song (only at the end, not the beginning). Overall it was a unique entry.
16. Anonymous - Interlude
Again, while poetic, this might not suffice as a song. But I won't hold it against you all too much for the first round. When I first read "newborn windows" it felt strange but the "virgin sunlight" line almost made up for it. It seems you are missing a subject in the second line of the (messy) second verse (unless it's virgin sunlight, in which case you should've done a better job at connecting it) and it feels almost like a rushed verse which adds nothing to the song (but if it was done right, it could've made it stronger). The third verse felt very angelic and one of my favorite verses thus far. It was simple but the imagery was striking and the meter gave it a good flow. "Rejuvenating... drought" is badly worded, and it would've made a great ending had it not been what it was. (Maybe "rejuvenating where the grass experienced drought." Anything but "where the grass had been in drought."). Whoever you are, I like your style and I hope to see it develop!
17. Witch_Privilege - Twin Flame
The title gives me "twin fire signs" teas from State of Grace  but anyway, this song is very hit and miss. Every other line is great and every other line could've been worded better. I do love the titular couplet, it's laconic and powerful. Also, nice meter, it definitely lifted the song a bit. Words like "emblemed," "energy," and revelations," felt unnatural in this song and should be replaced. Also the "new revelations help me to see," felt incomplete and it seemed you just wanted something to rhyme. It would've been better to finish the thought in the next couplet to avoid that. There was nothing absolutely striking about this entry (except maybe the repeated lines) but it was good. I felt connected to the message.
18. HausOfNiko - Graffiti
The concept is one of my favorites so far with the titular line being one of my favorite lyrics so far as well  but there are so many little things that accumulate and bring down the rest of the entry. "I can feel the oxygen circulating in the air," "sleazy," "delinquents," the random capitalizations, "spaying," (did you mean spraying? God, I hope you did) and the meter were a mess. But there was still something memorable about this entry. With better word choice, this could've been close to perfect.
19. mxtthewdelrey - Girls World Talkshow
Okay. 1-2-3-4 away with this. It sounded like a terrible 80s novelty song. I tried to like it because it's definitely unique and humorous but I don't know. Maybe if the flow had been better, it would've made this a stronger entry but because it was off, it felt like a troll entry (especially with the intro). I appreciate the girl power message.
20. Bloo - In the Morning
This felt like a recollection of text messages that were sent during a very desperate two-in-the-morning conversation. It wasn't poetic enough to be convincing and most of the language is far too familiar to stand out ("one step forward, two steps back") but I did like the repetition of this technique in the second couplet, it gave it a song-like structure. I also felt like it was too short for it to turn into anything worthwhile but I enjoyed the last two lines.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 58,053
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
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"spaying," (did you mean spraying? God, I hope you did)
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NOOOOO NIKO SIS
This season's pure heroin
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Welp, we definitely had some hiccups tonight But it's been fun
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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spaying
This season is a mess. Are all seasons this messy?
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
NOOOOO NIKO SIS
This season's pure heroin |
Niko always provides the kiis 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
spaying
This season is a mess. Are all seasons this messy? |
Yes. Welcome to Platinum Mess
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
spaying
This season is a mess. Are all seasons this messy? |
Hints and reviews no, I'm just a flop
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
spaying
This season is a mess. Are all seasons this messy? |
only the good ones
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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At least everything was on time
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