Antonio stomped angrily up the stairs to his room, his rainbow sandals slapping harshly on the tiles. He had just stormed away from an argument with his single mother about his failing grades and lack of girlfriends. She just didn't understand him; no one did. He flung his bedroom door open and blared out his iPod dock, choosing a playlist which included Grimes, Enya and Carly Rae Jepsen. The music soothed his enflamed heart, but he could feel the rash on his neck and thighs coming back.
He knew he would have to take his anger out on unsuspecting Internet stans. After several failed attempts of igniting arguments on Twitter, he decided to scrape the barrel: logging in to ATRL. Antonio entered in his details; username "SerenityBlues", (password "iwillneverstopdraggingmudga"), ignored several messages regarding a server upgrade, and began browsing the forum. Most of the threads didn't interest him - they revolved around former Disney stars and alternative artists that he just didn't understand. With some trepidation, he entered Stand Your Ground.
"Has Lad Fad's CABLE TV show been CANCELLED yet?" He typed obnoxiously. He was ignored.
Antonio snorted in irritation and continued. "Has Fadga BOUGHT another award again? Why is she the industry's most FRAUDULENT LIAR?" Still no response.
The part-time YouTube makeup tutorial artist seethed with anger. He scrolled past a post depicting Lady Gaga's Woman of the Year magazine cover and his stomach twisted. He had spent many nights attempting to photoshop Britney Spears' face on top so that he could convert it into a poster to hang above his bed (using a photo from 2003 of course.)
Eventually his relentless rants caught the attention of a few less tolerant members. Sure enough, a dragging session ensued, and photo after photo of Britney looking haggard and withered was spammed for several pages. Antonio smirked, he had won. Now they were the ones who looked stupid.
Some members had the audacity to claim that he was an Army member, which was true, but Antonio was confident that he was safe behind his username and signature displaying random words which could pass as indie musicians. Every week he would rotate between avatars of Katy Perry, Rihanna and Madonna, in order to seem balanced and fair.
The dragging session managed to land on the topic of the Super Bowl. A few Katy Kats were claiming that Lady Gaga was never going to perform there, and Antonio chipped in with excitement for Britney Spears to outshine the tranny in 2016.
As soon as he posted, several members began to laugh at him: "
" "
" "
". His neatly threaded eyebrows twitched in irritation. What were these flaky bottom bois laughing at now?
Someone claimed that Coldplay had been announced to perform at the half time show. Antonio froze. What the ****? But she was in the advert! Her forehead was clearly visible! Why would these fatherless twinks lie so blatantly about this?
Antonio quickly googled the news, and his heart sank as his worst fear was confirmed. Disappointment came first, then grief, then wistfulness, and then finally burned fiery hot anger. He pounded his keyboard, whining so loudly that the neighbour's dog replied in concern. He furiously tweeted:
"**** COLDPLAY. **** THOSE BORING TALENTLESS OLD MEN WHO NO-ONE CARES ABOUT. I WANT THEM TO DIE. BRITNEY WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THE SUPERBOWL. WHAT KIND OF ******** IS THIS."
He was told he had run out of characters, and he screeched like a pterodactyl. Without thinking, he created a new thread and vented his thoughts:
"COLDPLAY ARE ****. WHY?
Lmao
seriously??? Who the **** wants to watch Coldplay? Where are their hits? Where are their Grammys? Britney is far more deserving than those ancient ****ers.
"
Members flooded in to laugh at the meltdown. The thread was quickly reported, and was closed before it could reach a second page. But Antonio could not be stopped.
"LADY TRANNYGA BOUGHT HER AWARDS, WHY?
HAS BILLBOARD LOST ITS CREDIBILITY?
WHY CAN'T BEYONCE KEEP A BABY?
WHY ARE THE MODS SO BIASED?"
The threads descended into nonsensical profanity and shockingly offensive content. He was swiftly banned from the forum for three months. Antonio screamed and began tearing down his Britney posters, crying bitterly in broken Spanish. He turned to face his poster of Lady Gaga from 2009, covered in black marker pen.
"You ugly disgusting RAT!" He lisped.
There was no going back now. He searched online for the contact details of a 45 year old pop culture journalist he had 'shared proximity with', and emailed him with details of a scandal which could ruin Gaga's career forever. It was totally fabricated of course, but he felt almost orgasmic at the thought of hundreds of online articles defaming that fat Italian nose who had ruined his life. Thank goodness he had another ATRL dupe. He logged back in and spent the rest of the evening insulting Angelina Jolie, praising Madonna and personally attacking members who didn't even like Gaga very much. "The lack of self awareness," he muttered to himself, his eyes pointing in opposite directions.
waaah
Selend should really be selling more considering she's about to get her 3rd hit this era.