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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Huga's comments are coming soooooooooon 
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Subway cookies are the best cookies ever, don't @ me.
So glad I work there  I took 12 home today 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Subway cookies are the best cookies ever, don't @ me.
So glad I work there I took 12 home today |
Aren't they like 5$ each though?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Hugamari's Comments
Batch 1
Quote:
01. Kunst – Every Whisper (a rainforest, epeolatry)
General: The most glaring thing to me in this song is off-putting word choices. There are a few lines that really make me think you needed to fill a rhyme scheme or a meter. In the chorus, for example, "I was on my knees for the love words you whispered" - "love words" sounds clunky and unromantic to be honest. "Your words were lightning/when the moon wasn't shining", on the other hand, doesn't sound clunky or anything, but the second part doesn't strike me as needing to be in the song at all, and it was there for fill your rhyme scheme and meter.
The thing I can really credit you on is your attempt of keeping imagery through the whole song. I really enjoyed some of the lines. Notable ones include "Awakened by summer rains", "Words crept on my skin", and my personal favorite "You drew a maps[sic] with your kiss/and constellations with your hands"
Challenge: First of all, you were mighty brave for sticking your word in the chorus. What was weird to me is that the words around epeolatry were more forced sounding than the word itself. Ending the line with "there" stuck out to me in an off way. You had your rain forest imagery there (I kinda loved "like the forest, the meaning was dense" btw!), but sometimes that felt forced, too. "Looked over my shoulder, right across the boulder" was the biggest example of this to me. It felt like you wanted it for the rain forest image, not because "boulder" was the word you needed.
02. jpow – Toxic Shocks (an electric shock, graveolent)
General: There are only minor issues with this song, but they stick out so much for me. The beginning of the second verse really felt like a stretch for rhyme and meter - ending your line with "from", then starting the next one with it again. As for as syllable count goes, you had it down, but how you pronounce words can mess with the meter. Taking "That’s the night the earth was broken/That’s the night earth’s air was stolen", for example, they have the same syllables, but "the earth" and "earth's air" are said differently. These, of course, are minor nitpicks because I do not have much to fault you on from a technical standpoint.
Challenge: Your word was used seamlessly, I'll give you that! It didn't feel out of place at all! You also had your concept of an electric shock down fairly well (though directly mentioning "electric shocks" felt more out of place than your word did, so )
03. TheCheetahwings – Rose (a graveyard, securiform)
General: So I've never seen a song about this topic before.  Very unconventional as far as Platinum Hit goes, at least. Something I think that would've actually improved your song is to remove the last line in the first verse. The implication is much stronger than being bluntly told something. A particular line that I really liked was "But she couldn’t bury all the things that she felt", given that your theme was a graveyard, that line felt like it had more than just the obvious meaning.
Challenge: You did a decent job at disguising your words among the other long words, but the thing is that it ends up making that whole section feel a tad out of place. I like how you were able to mention death and going to someone's grave, because you touched on your theme without trying to wedge it into your song, which to me seems to be the best approach to go.
04. ausdaniel – Were Only Beautiful (a waterfall, vafrous)
General: Topically, the song felt very samey. I don't really think I'll even remember what this song was after finishing the entires. However, a line I liked in your song was "The beauty of Niagara, isn’t just the river
It’s the drastic drop of lovers", that one stuck out to me. Speaking of sticking out, that's the thing I think would help you most right now. You aren't a bad writer by any means, but you don't have much that sets you apart, or makes us go "Yes! THIS is an ausdaniel song, and we love it!", if you get what I'm saying. I'd like to see something like that next week.
Challenge: Your word kinda stuck out a lot  The way you decided to tackle the idea of a waterfall was what was interesting about your song. It wasn't very predictable, but it makes sense.
05. Vulnicura – <Untitled> (a volcano, hierodule)
General: slut, there are ways to censor bypass without resorting to 1337 5p34k. (And now I can encourage it since Kworb isn't here ) ANYWAY, I didn't really see this reference to your fave, so I can't drag that. I love the meter in this! It's graceful in the way the words dance through the song, and you had a solid idea for imagery.
Challenge: What I can credit you on is your devotion to the idea set up by "heirodule", although I can't really grasp where any reference to volcanoes are. Tectonic was the closest I got.
06. Achilles. – Telegony (Forgotten Son) (a nightmare, telegony)
General: Your meter was on point here, Moonchild! Like I couldn't find any flaws in it. Thematically, it's not something I've seen very often so it felt refreshing to read. I don't really have anything to tell you except um...SLAY!
Challenge: You chose a very interesting way to present your word, making it a central point in your song despite only saying it once. It was a very solid way to approach the challenge. I also think you easily executed the idea of a nightmare in your song.
07. ClarksonSlays – Thunderbolt (a thunderstorm, megascopic)
General: Sis, are you mixing up your tenses? "Remember how winter and summer combined...Where nothing was broken before you meet me" This was the only problem I had with anything in your entry because your near signature style of imagery is ever present, there are no jarring issues with meter or word choice, and everything comes together in a way that makes sense. I can't really ask for much more than that. So remember to proof read and you'll be swell!
Challenge: The microscopic/megascopic juxtaposition was a very nice touch! As far as theme goes, it was right up your alley so it's no surprise that you did a good job on it. I felt like I was just reading a Clarkson song, rather than something forced for a particular challenge. (As a sidenote: You better stan for second best Eeveelution Jolteon!)
08. swiftie13 – Genesis (a premonition, quietism)
General: I am in a level beyond snatched; I'm full blown decapitated.  I absolutely adore the story-driven aspect of your song. I literally only noticed one SMALL thing to comment on: "My dreams revealed secrets time kept" was a tad clunky, but I am more than willing to forgive that because everything else was brilliantly executed. 
Challenge: ...murder me. You took this in a direction I didn't expect in the most wonderfully glorious way possible. You turned what you had into a familiar story with a twist, and the story telling aspect was done so seamlessly. Absolutely nothing I can tell you to fix as far as meeting the challenge goes. You went above and beyond!
09. 8thPrince – What in the World (a satellite, fylfot)
General: "What in the World" indeed. I don't mean that in a bad way, either! It's just so out there comparatively speaking. You didn't feel the need to make an emotionally-driven song (not that your criteria gave you much choice. ), and I really appreciate that you didn't try to make it out to be. You did something that felt unique to you, and you pulled it off aplomb.
Challenge: You had so many zany words in there that I wouldn't know which word was yours if Sam didn't include it in the PM. Also, the song is from the viewpoint of a satellite, so...yes you fit the criteria.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
General: Sis, are you mixing up your tenses? "Remember how winter and summer combined...Where nothing was broken before you meet me" This was the only problem I had with anything in your entry because your near signature style of imagery is ever present, there are no jarring issues with meter or word choice, and everything comes together in a way that makes sense. I can't really ask for much more than that. So remember to proof read and you'll be swell!
Challenge: The microscopic/megascopic juxtaposition was a very nice touch! As far as theme goes, it was right up your alley so it's no surprise that you did a good job on it. I felt like I was just reading a Clarkson song, rather than something forced for a particular challenge. (As a sidenote: You better stan for second best Eeveelution Jolteon!)
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And yet I was ****ing 10th???
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Yeah these comments don't seem to align to the ranking he somewhat gave us 
I think there was more to it than what he said.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Hugamari's Comments
Batch 2
Quote:
10. MattyTacos – Cant Feel Anymore (an oasis, uberty)
General: How much of a struggle was this for you to write? I ask because this felt so different from what I expected from you...it's lower in quality, actually. Lines we're either cliched ("glass half full") or simply boring or flat ("cold like coal"), and the command over imagery I'd seen from you isn't here this time. It felt like an unfinished draft more than anything.
Challenge: Fairly obvious that you used your word for the challenge, and not because it was the best word for the song. You didn't put it in your chorus or rhyme with it, though, so that helps. I didn't get the feeling of an oasis much here either. 
11. ceremonials – Gasoline (a vineyard, kelebe)
General: *falls down a flight of stairs and breaks every bone in body* That's what happens when you use "the" at the end of your line to use it to rhyme. It hurts, sis. You can't do that and not have it sound forced. Besides that, you had a very solid grasp of meter here, which I really appreciated! Also nice to see you working with imagery in this song. (Not that you didn't before please don't yell at me  )
Challenge: Interesting that you used your word to rhyme. I was against it at first, but the more I read it, the more it just rolled off the tongue. It pairs so well with melody from a meter perspective (assuming I am pronouncing it right...), and low-key I'm addicted to it! You grazed upon the vineyard idea, although you didn't force yourself into centralizing your song around it. In a way, I would've liked the vineyard to be more important, but maybe it's for the best that it wasn't.
12. Buyonce1814 – Rebel Kings (a ghost town, boreen)
General: My biggest qualm with this song is the forced-sounding parts of the song, which was basically all the parts of the challenge criteria. However, other lines also have that forced-sounding tinge to it, such as the beginning of the pre-chorus. The idea you had of putting the "devils" lines in both your verses was actually really cute, but the word choice in it throws me off. "let's revel" doesn't really say what you're reveling in, so it just adds to the forced feeling of the song just a bit. I think you had an idea of where you wanted to go, but iffy word choices really set you back from that.
Challenge: The word stuck out a lot, mostly because you chose to rhyme with it, but the "green boreen" part was actually kinda cute, though. Not gonna lie.  The ghost town line also felt wedged into the song, considering how the next line has another very forced-sounding rhyme in "crown".
13. Moonchild – Starcrossed (a remote village, zendik)
General: For the most part, you had your meter on point! One part stuck out to me. "With you, I never felt further from harm" was just a tad clunky in my opinion, but this is but a minor detail to nitpick you on because, once again, you did an excellent job on the technical side of things. I guess the best thing I can say is that syllable count =/= fitting the meter. You can be off a syllable, or have an extra one, and still have it feel like it belongs, simply due to word stressing. It's a bit complicated to pick up on, but I think you're good enough to do it!
Challenge: I love how you used your word! You bunched it with other similar words in a way that felt natural in context, and I really appreciated that about your song. Also, I am glad you didn't skip out on this one because I was most intrigued by how someone would pull off a remote village idea, and I knew you'd be able to do it! I was right, by the way.
14. UFO – Awakened (an earthquake, alveary)
General: BITCH FOH W/ DANCE WITH THE DAFFODILS  Anyway, you had a great grasp of meter here, and you told your story nearly all through images, so the imagery is definitely there. I think the I've been awaked part was a bit monotonous, but I realize it was there because it was a key element to your song. Besides that, I do not have much to fault you on.
Challenge: It's fairly obvious that it's about an earthquake, but without being bluntly told so. I really appreciated that in your song. I also thought you used your word in a fairly natural way, so well done on that part!
15. Dylobs – Im Prepared (a spiritual awakening, isagogic)
General: Ok first of all, thank you for making your song short. It's so great being able to read a relatively short song when reading so many of these. Anyway, I love you word choices here, although sometimes I felt like things were awkwardly placed for rhyming purposes. The "outside there/and despair" part, for example. Ending your line with "there" was very iffy to me. However, a real highlight of the song for me was "A vision of serenity/Graceful faith and amity"; it just flows so well and sounds...graceful, for lack of better word.
Challenge: Isagogic sounds so ugly compared to your other words, which was the main giveaway. You didn't rhyme with it, though, and there were no evident flaws in meter surrounding the word, though, so it wasn't that obvious. I like how the "awakening" was...well it was big on a personal level, but it wasn't this major thing...I don't really know how to describe it. I guess it's like admitting you're gay or something. It's a big deal to you, but nobody really cares, if that makes sense. Lemme just stop and say I think you did well on that front.
16. Element – Float Away (a balloon, paragoge)
General: The opening to the song was clunky to me. "On those playground slides" and "impales like darts", in particular, both sounding a bit out-of-place in terms of the way the song flows. Actually, that's actually the biggest drawback of the song. In an attempt to set this image of youth and innocence, a lot of the imagery just comes out as clunky and a bit forced, so I guess the best thing I can say here is to make sure everything feels natural.
Challenge: Is this about losing your virginity? Anyway, I think the best thing you could've done was make the balloon more than just a balloon, and that's exactly what you did. Your other word choices, such as "visage", made your word choice fit in better, so I think you did a good job there.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
08. swiftie13 – Genesis (a premonition, quietism)
General: I am in a level beyond snatched; I'm full blown decapitated. I absolutely adore the story-driven aspect of your song. I literally only noticed one SMALL thing to comment on: "My dreams revealed secrets time kept" was a tad clunky, but I am more than willing to forgive that because everything else was brilliantly executed.
Challenge: ...murder me. You took this in a direction I didn't expect in the most wonderfully glorious way possible. You turned what you had into a familiar story with a twist, and the story telling aspect was done so seamlessly. Absolutely nothing I can tell you to fix as far as meeting the challenge goes. You went above and beyond!
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OMG I feel unworthy of this praise
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
OMG I feel unworthy of this praise |
I screamed at decapitated
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 12,615
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Quote:
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General: Sis, are you mixing up your tenses? "Remember how winter and summer combined...Where nothing was broken before you meet me"
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Bitch I told you to fix this
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
10. MattyTacos – Cant Feel Anymore (an oasis, uberty)
General: How much of a struggle was this for you to write? I ask because this felt so different from what I expected from you...it's lower in quality, actually. Lines we're either cliched ("glass half full") or simply boring or flat ("cold like coal"), and the command over imagery I'd seen from you isn't here this time. It felt like an unfinished draft more than anything.
Challenge: Fairly obvious that you used your word for the challenge, and not because it was the best word for the song. You didn't put it in your chorus or rhyme with it, though, so that helps. I didn't get the feeling of an oasis much here either.
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Girl, you literally have no clue how much I hated this challenge. I went through 5-7 songs tops. 
I disagree on not feeling oasis as it is presented in many parts of the song (the pre-chorus definitely, the verse 2, and bridge) are the parts that had the strongest mentions of oasis just because I didn't straight up use the word doesn't mean it wasn't mentioned/implied heavily and I think that was a smart move of my part. 
I actually had a different line before cold like coal but it was dragged even though I preferred it. #musicnotthebling
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
15. Dylobs – Im Prepared (a spiritual awakening, isagogic)
General: Ok first of all, thank you for making your song short. It's so great being able to read a relatively short song when reading so many of these. Anyway, I love you word choices here, although sometimes I felt like things were awkwardly placed for rhyming purposes. The "outside there/and despair" part, for example. Ending your line with "there" was very iffy to me. However, a real highlight of the song for me was "A vision of serenity/Graceful faith and amity"; it just flows so well and sounds...graceful, for lack of better word.
Challenge: Isagogic sounds so ugly compared to your other words, which was the main giveaway. You didn't rhyme with it, though, and there were no evident flaws in meter surrounding the word, though, so it wasn't that obvious. I like how the "awakening" was...well it was big on a personal level, but it wasn't this major thing...I don't really know how to describe it. I guess it's like admitting you're gay or something. It's a big deal to you, but nobody really cares, if that makes sense.  Lemme just stop and say I think you did well on that front.
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 This seems like a generally positive review. Thanks Huga!.
I'm not getting the 3rd out of 16 vibes from it compared to other reviews but  for actually seeming to love it
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by 8thPrince
Bitch I told you to fix this |
Ugh **** you did When you sent that I was like "yeah...obviously it's met!" but I didn't realize I typed "meet"
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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now I'll finish my judging fats
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Genuinely pissed at my typo ugh
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Do you think you'll be able to post either yours/lovesong's by 7pm our time?
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Kinda disappointed that no one wrote about nazi satélites and burning... Nn lemme not
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
Aren't they like 5$ each though?
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For one cookie? they're 50c. But a dozen is $5. 
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