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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
Results tonight?
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Depends on what your definition of tonight is. I'm at work for the next 10 hours and when I get back I'm going to get results underway if I have everything.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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What gets me is some of your word choices - a varying shade of blue, for example. I'm trying to pinpoint the relevance it has, but I can't really come up with anything. To me, it felt like it's purpose was more to keep up a rhyme scheme, which is also something I saw in the bridge. While it definitely makes sense, "tether" felt just a bit unusual. I did enjoy the "clouds/weathered" lines, so that's a plus. :latiku: I think you could have done better with word choice and usage, though.
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This was an interesting entry, and in a good way. It’s not often that we get breakup songs from the point of view of the person wanting to end the relationship, so I liked your approach. The first verse is a great way to introduce that. The chorus has good repetition and I liked the “varying shade of blue” metaphor, and the bridge is really strong too. I like your use of “clouds” and “weathered”, and the prolonged rhyming from that word. It was a solid entry, and I really liked it.
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I actually liked your entry last week more. I appreciated that you tried to take our comments into account this week, so I hope you stick around long enough to show us your talents. There were some forced rhymes such as “so I’ll release this tether” and “gazing at you in the night”. It wasn’t bad at all but I was left wanting more. For next week, pay special attention to your meter and the rhymes you’re using, and try to incorporate more imagery in your song.
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Not The Same has a really fantastic chorus. I love the wordplay and the switching up of phrases, lines crossing each other, with a nice and tight flow to it. I think you have a lot of strong imagery in this selection which, paired with thought out and carefully planted rhyming, really helps the song stand out. Since you were under our set limit for this challenge, you’ve passed our criteria. Kudos.
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 not the same
v1
chills run down my spine
knowing that you are mine
gazing at you in the night
thinking to myself
this isn’t right
c
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
one living as two
but it’s not me
it’s you
v2
tears run down your face
shouting “you just want space?”
reflecting your sweet daylight
saying to myself
it’ll be alright
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
one living as two
but it’s not me
it’s you
b
clouds gather during the day
after all that we’ve weathered
you like to think that
we are better, together
this can’t be forever
so i’ll release this tether
c2
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
i’ll be brand new
cos it’s not me
and i don’t need you
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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ok sent 
Now I need a long-ass break because this past week was the most intense one yet.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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perched for the winner of last seasons results
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Dddd 2 positive and 2 negative reviews 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Watch them be posted in like an hour
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Member Since: 2/18/2012
Posts: 25,853
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Thank you GS and Meowster for the positive comments. 
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Lovesong, feel free to post your comments because Sam is at work, I think. 
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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What's the highest-scoring song in recent seasons?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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I guess we are kind of too nice eh?
Let me put my mean hat on for next round. Anyway I have the responsibility of posting my own comments so gimme a sec!
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Moonchild
What's the highest-scoring song in recent seasons? |
Otto
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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Hugamari: Positive Review
Sam: Positive Review
Gotskill: Negative Review
Meowster: Positive Review
Lovesong: TBA
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vulnicura
not the same
v1
chills run down my spine
knowing that you are mine
gazing at you in the night
thinking to myself
this isn’t right
c
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
one living as two
but it’s not me
it’s you
v2
tears run down your face
shouting “you just want space?”
reflecting your sweet daylight
saying to myself
it’ll be alright
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
one living as two
but it’s not me
it’s you
b
clouds gather during the day
after all that we’ve weathered
you like to think that
we are better, together
this can’t be forever
so i’ll release this tether
c2
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
i’ll be brand new
cos it’s not me
and i don’t need you
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Again I have enjoyed your entry
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Again I have enjoyed your entry
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thank you 
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ATRL Administrator
Member Since: 6/29/2002
Posts: 77,601
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Thanks guys for the kind and accurate critiques
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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lovesong's Comments
Batch 1
Quote:
01. EuphorianSea – No Longer
Right off the bat the best part was your chorus, and I think that that is because it was the most fleshed out part. I really got a sense of what you were going for and things like meter and rhyme were done very well. In terms of the verses, I was less convinced. I know of course there was a difficult word limit but I still felt like the lines were a little abrupt and there wasn’t a strong transition between them. The momentum really picked up with the bridge and I felt your concept was well implemented. Overall it was a nice entry, good job.
02. Girlicious – Mercury
Your imagery was spot-on, I liked the interchanging metallic imagery along with snakes and venom. The entire thing felt very “cold” so you set up the atmosphere nicely. The thing that I think you need to work on is meter, lines were kind of all over the place with 7 syllables followed by 5 and then 8, it can affect the way the song progresses. It is however a nice entry in terms of imagery and lyrical tricks.
03. Nait Phoenix – Other Side (Tokyo)
Very unique and well thought out entry. Your writing itself is clever and strong and your second verse especially stood out to me. It’s a great entry that wasn’t too short and I felt that you used each word effectively and with purpose. I guess adding a little more imagery might have taken it to the next level but it is very strong, great job.
04. Gavin. – Praying For Love
nnn Madonna teas. The religious feel is fine and all but I would like to see you do more with it, take it to new levels and experiment. It’s an okay entry but it’s not really clear what it’s about and why you’re writing it.
05. Popsicle – Trick R Treat
Your chorus was the best part since it was the most fleshed out. The big issue I had was that some of the lyrics were very cliché and it really affects the ideas and concept. The pre-chorus and verse 2 in particular just felt very silly to read and ruined the atmosphere.
06. KeshasFansRose – Freedom of Love
Your chorus was great, it had a good rhythm to it and it felt very natural. The verses to me were a bit on the weaker side, not really adding much to the song itself, I think pushing to make sure that it all comes together as one concept would really help.
07. swiftie13 – Mother
This was really cool, I loved the concept and it was actually kind of chilling. It’s a really strong entry all the way through, nice choice of rhyme, great meter, great emotion, and imagery. Everything felt very strong and I was really happy to see how each word was very meticulously placed (i.e there was no wasted space etc.) Good job!
08. conatus – Swim Back
It was definitely on the simple side and I’d have liked to see you push beyond just 82 words to really flesh out your ideas but in all honesty you did a lot with the limited space. It felt like something I’d stan for if it was a full song! Each word had purpose and in general it was very concise yet effective in terms of substance.
09. JustLuke – Touch Us Now
There were choice lines that I thought were fun and cute and worked well. Considering it is a silly song I’m taking some of the lyrics for what they are – innocent fun. But there were a few cliché lines that I felt didn’t quite work that well that I personally wasn’t really a fan of (“not ready to take a bow” / “flying high like a satellite”).
10. Jaxswim – Youth
Interesting atmosphere, it’s creepy but nostalgic at the same time. I thought the verses were interesting in how short they were but I felt like they might not have been as impactful as they could have been if fleshed out more. I do think that you managed to get your point across well and the concise nature was interesting, good job overall.
11. Vulnicura – Not The Same
One of my favourite lines was the one where you incorporated dialogue, I think this is an effective tool when done right and you definitely nailed that. Overall it was really well done and reminded me a bit of my own writing style. The chorus was just okay in my opinion, not quite living up to the quality of the verses, which were very meticulous and set the theme up nicely. However it was a strong entry nonetheless… good job.
12. Kworb – The Times
You did a really great job with this. The rhythm was meticulous and the word choice was lovely. The overarching theme was well thought out and your imagery did a nice job of reinforcing it. This was a very strong entry through and through and I don’t even have anything to critique. Keep it up!
13. Truffle. – Plastic Memories
The plastic memory concept was really cool, it was outside of the box but done well. I liked your lyricism this round, I could tell that you incorporated elements of our feedback and it really helped the writing. The verses, pre-chorus, and chorus were strong and you did a great job of incorporating the metaphor with imagery. However, the bridge was a bit on the weak side, but it was a good entry overall.
14. RihsusChrist(ATG) – The Tragic Ballad of Paula Deen
I mean… okay. The rhyming was very boring and typical. Rhyming for the sake of a rhyme is not very effective and it makes things feel very “middle school” I guess. If this was meant to be a joke entry then… try harder?
15. ausdaniel – Wash Me Away
Your chorus was the strong part, it had the most lines that I really loved and I thought it was put together nicely. The verses were also well done but there were a few cliché lines here and there. Overall it was a good entry, just check for some select lines and try to push yourself to be a bit more creative and I think you can really excel.
16. Obsession – Compass
I think you did a great job within the word limit. It was a bit on the simple side but you got what you needed to say out and I think you did it effectively. You could have benefitted from a bit more fleshing out of the ideas to really take it above and beyond but it’s a solid entry nonetheless.
17. JakeKills – Therapy
Pretty cool concept, and you did it well. Religious imagery can be easily overdone and done in a very boring and cliché way but you managed to escape that and create something more thought provoking. I like the repetition of the first line in each section and it helped give your song that extra edge. Good job managing the word limit too!
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Quote:
26. Pencita Mariah – Rays
Rays is about hoping for light at the end of a dark and bleak tunnel. Finding that one small ray of light to make everything worthwhile and purposeful. Finding love. I think the word choices here build to that, especially in the first verse, which I think is the strongest aspect of the selection. The song fit our criteria for the word limit.
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Wow Positive review from Meowster thank you so much, I really appreciate it
Quote:
Pecinta Mariah – Rays
Did season 5 EuphorianSea ghostwrite on this? It read a bit too much as prose poetry, but it wasn’t particularly bad. If anything it was a definite improvement from last week.
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asddl; well 
thanks anyway the word "improvement" means a lot to me 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 14,512
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Quote:
13. Truffle. – Plastic Memories
The plastic memory concept was really cool, it was outside of the box but done well. I liked your lyricism this round, I could tell that you incorporated elements of our feedback and it really helped the writing. The verses, pre-chorus, and chorus were strong and you did a great job of incorporating the metaphor with imagery. However, the bridge was a bit on the weak side, but it was a good entry overall.
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Yes, yes, yes, yes 
OMG, lovesong is bae
And I do agree @lovesong about the bridge
originally the bridge was something completely different,
but I had to change it to meet the limit
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vulnicura
not the same
v1
chills run down my spine
knowing that you are mine
gazing at you in the night
thinking to myself
this isn’t right
c
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
one living as two
but it’s not me
it’s you
v2
tears run down your face
shouting “you just want space?”
reflecting your sweet daylight
saying to myself
it’ll be alright
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
one living as two
but it’s not me
it’s you
b
clouds gather during the day
after all that we’ve weathered
you like to think that
we are better, together
this can’t be forever
so i’ll release this tether
c2
you think we’re one living as two
burying my sense of what’s true
you think we’re one living as two
a varying shade of blue
you think we’re one living as two
i’ll be brand new
cos it’s not me
and i don’t need you
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I really like this. 
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