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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
And y'all were shading their critiques.  |
At least now we know it's definitely not Fefe...?
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 2,955
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I'm seriously so curious as to who they are! Do we find out this round or does it fold out throughout the season?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Slay at the mystery judge! Come through TT!!
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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slay a bit everyone 
it seems like my entry was basically not bad enough to be awful but not good enough to stand out. I'll try not be too harsh on myself on the first round so I know what to do next time. thanks for the comments 
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Sam: Mixed
GotSkill: Positive
Hugamari: Negative
Lovesong: Mixed
Secret Judge: Positive
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Wait, are there reviews from the secret judge? Someone link me, I'm on mobile.
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Quote:
Originally posted by Buyonce1814
Slay at the mystery judge! Come through TT!!
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He said to me that he won't be a judge in PH8
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Did I really not fix that spelling error in my edit 
I've been busy so I've barely had time to even write/edit it so I guess that's why I over looked it.
Not surprised by the comments although I was expecting a lot more negative which is nice to see I was wrong.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and critique my song 
edit: I just saw the mystery judge comments too.. Oh okay, that's still good, thank you.
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
Wait, are there reviews from the secret judge? Someone link me, I'm on mobile.
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23. Devil, Come With Me (Intro)
the selection met the right criteria and managed to go beyond. Devil, Come With Me is an almost perfect piece of beckoning. The selection is very thought provoking and not instantaneously forward; there is a great deal of subtext to the work. It is a perfect opening to an album and could lend itself to many different music mediums.
Quote:
Originally posted by Pecinta Mariah
He said to me that he won't be a judge in PH8
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Aah ok  . Maybe he changed his mind?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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some judges thought my entry was a bit boring and bland. I'm actually a bit surprised someone said lifeless cos I thought I was fairly open with my song other judges appreciated the simplicity and progression. I guess I'll just try use more colorful and interesting phrases next time.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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The OP and second post have been completely updated with links to all judge comments, as well as some new changes.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 3,834
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Quote:
Quote:
I Can Be Good - I'd r-ather you n-ot do t-his. Anyway, it's actually a breath of fresh air to see a sexual song in a field of gloom and doom suicide songs, so in that way you stand out! I can also imagine a melody to it (albeit it being "Good For You", but at least I can attach something to it.) I am glad you made it ever so slightly subtle instead of just "*** on my face yesss I'm swallowing your children and opening a nursery in my stomach daddy!" - I think a touch of subtlty is important when doing sexual songs because it leaves more to the imagination, which is always important in a song of this nature imo.
Anyway, although I think this isn't bad, I also don't feel like it's much of an intro. It was more of a regular song.
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It was an interlude...
Quote:
24. I Can Be Good (Interlude)
This is kind of a run of the mill sex song. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t that great or even sensual. The rhyme scheme bugs me a bit the way it seems like random lines rhyme at times. I do see some room for growth here, however, so I’m not giving up on you quite yet.
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Since the songs about bottoming for my BF it only seems natural that I reflect that in my score 
Quote:
24. I Can Be Good (Interlude)
This screamed Revival-era Selena Gomez to me for some reason, like a mixture of Good For You and Me & The Rhythm. Maybe I’ve just been listening to those songs too much lately. But I was actually impressed with most of it; it wasn’t too graphic for a sexy song and left enough up to the imagination. “Load me into your gun” is one of my favourite lyrics this round. My main criticism is that I think it reads a bit too much like an incomplete song rather than an interlude and that did affect your score. But if this were a complete song, with a second verse and bridge, I’d really love it.
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Stan a bit! My bottoming song becoming versatile in reviews slightly
Quote:
24. I Can Be Good (Interlude)
I like that you went with a sensual theme but I want you to really take it far. One of the best pieces of advice I got last season was to embody the character that I am writing for and I would impart that on you as well. Really take it all the way and just go for it. At the moment it’s hinting at sexy but not quite getting there, so I think if you push yourself it’ll really help. I would also consider line length, as of right now it’s a bit abrupt in the way the sentences are structured. Using transitional words would be very helpful.
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I didn't think "salty shots on my lips" could be much more blunt  thank you for these! I actually love reading them.
Quote:
24. I Can Be Good (Interlude)
the selection met the right criteria and managed to go beyond. Good selection, I enjoyed all of your dynamics. You had very striking word choices, such as “salty shots on my lips,” phrases that you really don’t hear but just stick with you.
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Stan a bit. Not my song going through all the positions
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For anyone who cares:
 I can be good (interlude)
(Chorus)
Hold my hair back, so good
I’m all ready for you
Reach the climax, so good
I’m a power player.
Load me into your gun
I’m gonna show you.
Firing ‘til the sun
I’m gonna show you.
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
(Verse)
Run it down me, ohh softly
Ooh, I can be g-ood
I can be so b-ad
I’ll be something,
Something that you’ve never had.
(Ooh ooh oh)
It’s always warm when we kiss
Ooh, touch me
Salty shots on my lips
So show me
Baby hold me at my hips
Baby I’m in control
(Ooh oh)
(Chorus)
Hold my hair back, so good
I’m all ready for you
Reach the climax, so good
I’m a power player.
Load me into your gun
I’m gonna show you.
Fire it ‘til the sun
I’m gonna show you.
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
You’re never gonna leave
You’ll be tugging on my sleeve
So come and show me good
As we write our future.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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Quote:
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The line about “talking to a stone” doesn’t really make any sense and shouldn’t be here at all. Other than that it’s a good entry and a good intro. It isn’t particularly attention grabbing but I think you’ll stick around long enough to give us those entries as well.
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The whole time I was reading this, it was like you were telling me what you were feeling, rather than expressing it in a way that I could connect with it. It's supposed to be emotional, but I was felt with nothing to work with. I think using more powerful language could help you in this case. It's not particularly bad, I just felt it to be bland and lifeless.
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I like the structure you’ve used. This is another good example of how you don’t need the standard verse, chorus, bridge etc. for a song, there’s similarities between the rhyme scheme of the first and third stanza, and the second, fourth and fifth are progressions of one another. The more I read it, the more I found things to like about it; interesting structure, a good flow, some nice lyrics… it was short yet complete and left me wanting to know the next part of the story. Solid work.
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I like how even though you took a simpler approach, it’s still very focused and comes together nicely. It’s actually quite sweet, and I would think it works very well as an intro. It held nice flow and was organized nicely but I could see you pushing it further, taking it just a little bit more to really create something incredible.
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the selection met the right criteria and managed to go beyond. This was very well written, beautiful syntax choices with the way you wrote it out. The lack of capitalization really makes the reader feel that sense of doubt you face.
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doubt
there’s a negative space
and it surrounds me
it creeps into my bones
until i can’t see
it’s washing over me
maybe i don’t know
maybe i don’t care
all i know is
that someday, somewhere,
this pain shall go
i dont need your embrace
just let me be
like talking to a stone
you just can’t see
its taking over me
maybe i dont know
maybe i dont care
all i know is
that someday, somewhere,
this doubt shall go
maybe you will know
maybe you will care
all i hope is
that someday, somewhere
i too can grow
here you are again
where shall we go?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Devil Come With Me
There are no wolves crying here
Only wind blows through the dark
There are no souls dying here
All that grew here fell apart
There are no angels above
This is not a place for love
Devil, come with me
Devil, come with me
We've places to be
Devil, come with me
Devil, come with me
We've got so many places to be
There are no birds singing here
There are no bells ringing here
There are no angels above
This is not a place for love
Devil, come with me
Devil, come with me
We've got so many places to be
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Quote:
Originally posted by KeshasFansRose
For anyone who cares:
I can be good (interlude)
(Chorus)
Hold my hair back, so good
I’m all ready for you
Reach the climax, so good
I’m a power player.
Load me into your gun
I’m gonna show you.
Firing ‘til the sun
I’m gonna show you.
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
(Verse)
Run it down me, ohh softly
Ooh, I can be g-ood
I can be so b-ad
I’ll be something,
Something that you’ve never had.
(Ooh ooh oh)
It’s always warm when we kiss
Ooh, touch me
Salty shots on my lips
So show me
Baby hold me at my hips
Baby I’m in control
(Ooh oh)
(Chorus)
Hold my hair back, so good
I’m all ready for you
Reach the climax, so good
I’m a power player.
Load me into your gun
I’m gonna show you.
Fire it ‘til the sun
I’m gonna show you.
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
I’m gonna show you good
For a future
You’re never gonna leave
You’ll be tugging on my sleeve
So come and show me good
As we write our future.
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Salty shots on my lips YAS I live for that line!. I like this a lot.
Quote:
Originally posted by Vulnicura
doubt
there’s a negative space
and it surrounds me
it creeps into my bones
until i can’t see
it’s washing over me
maybe i don’t know
maybe i don’t care
all i know is
that someday, somewhere,
this pain shall go
i dont need your embrace
just let me be
like talking to a stone
you just can’t see
its taking over me
maybe i dont know
maybe i dont care
all i know is
that someday, somewhere,
this doubt shall go
maybe you will know
maybe you will care
all i hope is
that someday, somewhere
i too can grow
here you are again
where shall we go?
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I like this overall but:
maybe i dont know
maybe i dont care
all i know is
that someday, somewhere,
this doubt shall go
maybe you will know
maybe you will care
all i hope is
that someday, somewhere
i too can grow
I really really love this part 
Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
Devil Come With Me
There are no wolves crying here
Only wind blows through the dark
There are no souls dying here
All that grew here fell apart
There are no angels above
This is not a place for love
Devil, come with me
Devil, come with me
We've places to be
Devil, come with me
Devil, come with me
We've got so many places to be
There are no birds singing here
There are no bells ringing here
There are no angels above
This is not a place for love
Devil, come with me
Devil, come with me
We've got so many places to be
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Slayn as per.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
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Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Eyes Show
From the coldest of winds, come the largest of waves
In your current of grip, leading me underneath
And I wish it was seen, what will happen to me
But I just wish
From the glance of my eyes, to the meeting of two
With a turn of the lips, never meeting as two
And I wish it was seen, what would happen in time
But I will wait
In the silence of day, soon becoming the night
Where I lay ever close, still yet too far away
And I wish it was seen, what is there in your mind
But I don’t know
Should I hear a sound, I will pause at the scene
Listening on the end, of the air in between
And I wish I could say, words to spark some converse
But I still hide
Such perfection in view, from the stars he was drew
In the moment I saw, I was stricken with awe
And I wish I could be, just the same thing to thee
But I won’t do
And my heart next to yours, as they beat ever so
With no rhythm control, to the songs I don’t know
And I wish I could free, these emotions which grow
But my eyes show
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Ok I just read everything
Sam & Mystery judge gave me positive reviews
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