[Truffle.]

Originally posted by MattyTacos

My friend suspects he's bi tops, if you saw his fb pic you'd agree. Lemme pm it

Hmm
I may need it for future reference yes

[Colton Haynes]

Originally posted by MattyTacos

My friend suspects he's bi tops, if you saw his fb pic you'd agree. Lemme pm it

PM me to Tacohead

[MattyTacos]

Originally posted by Truffle.

Hmm
I may need it for future reference yes

Originally posted by Colton Haynes

PM me to Tacohead

Lemme log onto fb and screencap real quick then

[Hugamari]

BATCH ONE

Originally posted by Hugamari

Monster - I read this a few times, and I'm now wondering who "you" refers to in this song. It'd be a much more interesting approach if "you" was referring to yourself, and how you let the person you love be consumed by this "monster". However, I do feel that there could be more impact in your lyrics, to make it more emotionally pulling. It's a good foundation, it just lacks a kick in any form of direction.

Eyes Show - Your rhyme scheme was really cool! It wasn't a predictable AABB format, so props for that. It helps you stand out. However, some word choices were odd; converse, for example, felt like a strange word choice. It's important that words all feel like they belong there, and that didn't strike me as "belonging". The topic, from what I understand, is admiration of someone from afar? I like how you chose something like that, rather than jumping straight to the more depressing topics. It's refreshing seeing as that's a trend in this game.

Avant Garde - I will give you some friendly advice before it's too late for you - hard rhymes are not always the way to go! Adding slant rhymes (ex. rhyme/sign) can really draw the monotony out of a song, which tbh it felt a bit monotonous reading this. It also gave my "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey teas right at the beginning. It fits the melody and everything.

I also can't quite tell what the song is about...well, the song is called "Avant Garde", so is that the point? That, or the final few lines are your point and everything else is just...there. Really make your words count, especially in these early rounds. Judges will be going through over 4 dozen entries, so first impressions are important...and I was left with nothing. Should you come back next week - my biggest piece of advice for you would be to try to add a kick to your lyrics, and wordplay, rhyme schemes, and the like all add to it.

Fake Reality - Please don't use "Oh"s in your song. You have to understand that we don't necessarily hear what you hear, and adding the "oh"s does not help. (Your Soundcloud link was broken, too) Stuttering is a big no, too - especially if used to just fill a meter. It ends up just looking obnoxious and lazy.

That said, I applaud your attempt of imagery (I kinda loved the "dead fire" part), yet I'm left to wonder if this is supposed to be uplifting or depressing...melancholy is that sweet middlespot, but I don't think it's quite there. Actually, it's more like you wanted to be uplifting, but you just got depressed midway through the song. I think the sense of feeling you're supposed to be more clear (or if you're going to change the sense of direction, make sure you execute it properly. I don't think that was done here.)

One other thing I will give you kudos for is for not feeling the need to rhyme - so many people think its a requirement, but it's not. I had no problems with the way you presented your word scheme, I just can't really see what point you're trying to make.

Young Heart - As an intro, I think it does its job pretty well. It read more like a poem (just imo!), but thematically, it seems to be the beginning of a coming of age album, so I lowkey love it for that. "bluer" annoyed me, but this is just a pet peeve! "More blue" would have made more sense, and although it doesn't rhyme, neither did the next 2 lines from the group after, so it wouldn't have mattered. This is just me nitpicking because I think you fulfilled the requirement of an intro pretty well.

Free - I'm not a fan of denotating where "instrumental" parts, or lacks thereof, are. Also, what bugs me is you said 1, 2, 3 instead of 3, 2, 1. I think the way you ordered it was so that you were talking about the first 3 songs on this album, but I still think 3, 2, 1...*goes to first song* would've been better. Besides for the general picking at needless things, I think you did the idea of an intro pretty well. Meter could use just a tad bit of work, but it's mostly there. I think you'll hit it on the head soon enough!

Chains - Meter on poinT. Imagery in checK. Solid idea of what you want righT there. Maybe a predictable idea, but you did what you set out to do. I don't particularly love it (besides the meter), but you fulfilled requirements.

The Opposite of Emo - Now sis I need you to stop picking on G. Loom the sis is just looking for her Sun Stone to evolve with. I am also going to tell you now - slant rhymes are your friends! Hard rhymes make the song very monotonous, and I'm guessing this is a happy album...? I'd be falling asleep just saying.

"Screamo" was cringy af btw don't do that again.

NeverEnding Limit - I didn't get names attached to these songs, but I have a good feeling of who this is, even without listening to the Soundcloud. The (x3) needs to go, to be quite honest. The commas irk me, but it's a personal peeve and not really saying you have to fix it!

I will get to the good things, though - I starting bopping in my seat to the song and there wasn't even sound - the meter was that good. If you can convey that through just the lyrics, then you did a good job in my book!

Wilderness - I wasn't served intro there honestly. It was closer to interlude, I'd think, not that it really struck me as either. Beginning and ending on the same line was a nice touch that not many people seemed to think of, so I applaud you for that! The word choices were odd at times, and I felt like they were there to fill a meter. Make sure your words always fulfull a purpose in your lyrics. Also, I only saw one non-hard rhyme, and that one was only because I think you were trying to say "persevere", so remember that rhymes do not always have to be hard! (soft/off for example)

Thinking About You - This was more like a part of an unfinished song. However, I think the opening lines were really gripping! It slowly gets worse as it goes on...like the clementine part realllllly felt like you needed a rhyme. I got a theatrical feeling towards the end, though, like you kinda just dove into insanity. I enjoyed it for that. There are highs and lows to this song, so I expect to see a really big high from you soon! For now, I am left feeling...eh.

Empire - Eek, this just felt like a short song. An intro and a short song are a biT different! Thematically, it is a good approach for an intro, but it could've been executed better. There were odd choices of words at time ("spell" should be "write" imho. I also wish you put more effort into rhyming, because some rhymes are there, but other times you didn't seem to care. Empire is also repeated too much, including the spelling part. I was overall unimpressed.

Kingdom Bells - Okay this is a poem. I wasn't sensing a song here at all. I do not have much else to critique you on, there wasn't any particularly off choice of words, your rhyme scheme wasn't bad at all, and I got what the direction was, but this just doesn't seem like a song to me.

The Real Thing - Absolutely ADORE the meter in this one. It's creative and catchy. I was bopping! The repetitive chorus was annoying, especially since we can't really hear what you hear, but it's whatever. Also thank you for using some slant rhymes it's much appreciated.

Regret - I know this is supposed to be short and all, but more pls. Thematically, it's very played out, and there wasn't an exciting twist or angle on it, so yeah...maybe if you extended just a tad on it, something more redeemable could come from this.

Salaam - I was trying to pick up a meter here, but it's all over the place. "immature/ametuer" was the highlight, it's an obvious yet somehow unexpected rhyme, and I love that about it. , Usually, people will add words to fill a meter, but it seems you omitted some...so I feel like I'm missing information here. What's worse is that the meter doesn't even seem to be properly filled, and you could add a word or so to quite a few lines so that it'd make more sense. Themtically, this didn't really stick out to me, either.

Origin - I BEG YOU TO NEVER USE CAPS ON A WHOLE SECTION AGAIN. Also, I feel like this is @ed a few pop stars. Something you need to get off your chest, sis? Kudos for the unconventional topic, but I didn't feel like this was as much of a song as it was a rhyming open letter to the pop music industry.

The Last Days - This is honestly cute. Meter is great and nothing sounded forced. It's not the most original idea, but you did what you set out to. I like it!

Memory Attack - The spoken part was better than the written part...mostly because I can not grasp a meter at all on the sung part. I knew not to expect one for the spoken part, and your word choice there was amazing! If you can combine these great ideas I've saw and make them more structured in song form, you'll do swimmingly here! Hope I can see that from you soon.

Neptune Blue - This seems pretty Lana inspired, but feel free to clock me if I'm wrong! The meter could use...work. These images and ideas are all there, but it's really wordy. I think it'd be a good idea to try to convey these thoughts in a "less-is-more" kind of way, and that's my main suggestion to you.

Infinity - Not a predictable rhyme scheme...good on you! Also, this fulfills the idea of an intro to me. If I had to nitpick, "fight for the breath" is awkward. "Fight for breath" sounds much more natural, and imo better in the context of your intro. Not a bad submission overall, though!

[jpow]

[8thPrince]

Ugh this super hottie I've seen around a lot at our school LGBT events is behind me at our school burger joint I'm too scared to talk to him

[Colton Haynes]

Originally posted by MattyTacos

I still believe it's a love song, idc if Selena says it's about God. YOU'RE MY GOD.

I don't know what it is about, but what I do know is, she's got my wig.

[Tymps.]

Also, what bugs me is you said 1, 2, 3 instead of 3, 2, 1. I think the way you ordered it was so that you were talking about the first 3 songs on this album, but I still think 3, 2, 1...*goes to first song* would've been better.

You lyrical pundit you!

[Hugamari]

BATCH TWO

Originally posted by Hugamari

Doubt - The whole time I was reading this, it was like you were telling me what you were feeling, rather than expressing it in a way that I could connect with it. It's supposed to be emotional, but I was felt with nothing to work with. I think using more powerful language could help you in this case. It's not particularly bad, I just felt it to be bland and lifeless.

Devil, Come With Me - Your meter is pretty good on this! I could also see and feel the pictures you were trying to portray, so that's a plus! Pretty solid effort overall.

I Can Be Good - I'd r-ather you n-ot do t-his. Anyway, it's actually a breath of fresh air to see a sexual song in a field of gloom and doom suicide songs, so in that way you stand out! I can also imagine a melody to it (albeit it being "Good For You", but at least I can attach something to it.) I am glad you made it ever so slightly subtle instead of just "*** on my face yesss I'm swallowing your children and opening a nursery in my stomach daddy!" - I think a touch of subtlty is important when doing sexual songs because it leaves more to the imagination, which is always important in a song of this nature imo.

Anyway, although I think this isn't bad, I also don't feel like it's much of an intro. It was more of a regular song.

Wonderful - Lana, is that you? Don't you have a tour to be on or something??? No, but seriously, although I did get major Lana tea from it, you did a really good job on this! I hope I can see more from you~

I Only Come Out At Night - I didn't think this was bad at all! I'm guessing the album would also be called "I Only Come Out At Night"? It's solid, but I just think there could be more of a kick, so I'm hoping that will come with more freedom in your writing.

29. Intro - Please. Don't. I could've gone withought the "Oh" parts. Disregarding that, there are obvious "I need a rhyme! " lines, "battle shout" and "what I can" for example, end up sounding awkward. It may have paid off more to just rewrite those lines, rather than insisting on keeping the rhyme.

But on a good note, you have some slant rhymes! Made it less monotonous.

Poison - Too many uses of the word poison. Also, the flow of it seems to be a bit off...and more than a bit in the first half. I know it's an intro and all, but since you never said if it was spoken or sung, I'm going to assume sung, and I can't grasp the way it's supposed to go. You didn't seem to worry about rhyming too much, though...although tbh I would've preferred if you either rhymed the whole thing or just decided not to rhyme at all. There was one rhyme that wasn't just the word rhyming with itself.

Uptown Haze - What is an uptown haze. I'm just going to replace "haze" with "gaze" for my sake...unless it's like a buzz/rush? That has me genuinely confused. ANYWAY, I felt it was a tad short and not pulling or gripping at all. More imagery would've been nice, and maybe give us more of an idea of what this album would be about, since genuinely I have no idea what this album would sound like.

Drink Me - I can see this working as an intro...to a really odd album. It's definitely one of the more quirky entries, so that lets you stand out. Interesting entry, nothing particular to critique about it.

Astral Lullaby - I'm low-key a sucker for lullaby-like entries. Interesting word choice here, too! You chose a really cool way to set yourself apart, which I like. Great entry.

34. Intro - Although it wasn;t absolutely stunning or anything, it was simple enough in nature for me to enjoy without being overly plain and tasteless. I think that was mostly because of the length, so when we get to full songs, hopefully more compelling entries will be seen.

Addicted to the Future - There's a certain blunt feeling to this song that makes it feel like I'm being spoon fed emotion, rather than naturally feeling it from this song. I also can't help but feel a sense of...out-of-place childishness from the lyrics. I am a huge fan of it if it works, but I don't think it does here. There is a saving grace, though. The future/past/present part was pretty good!

Little Girl - AW! How cute. I didn't get the "in my dreams" part, but other than that I really liked it! It had a charming way of moving about and telling a story, and it was easy to pick up on what was going on without being bluntly told so. Great first entry!

Aphasia - I know this is supposed to be anonymous, but I think we all on the judging panel know who this is. Its evident just from the word choice, it's uniquely you. That's something I'd particularly enjoyed the last time I was a judge and read your entries.

With that said, I still don't think that writing from genuine emotion and experience is something to feel wrong about, even if you are doing it for a competition. It's obvious you actually care about the situation at hand, and I only think it'd be exploitation if you pretended to care. On the song itself, I already commented on the language, but I think focusing on a not-so common word is a nice approach to a song; in a way, it makes someone think a bit. The personification of "Aphasia" adds more of an identity to it, and builds upon the situation presented. I also know that this is really personal for you, but I actually appreciated how you didn't go "LOOK @ HOW SAD I AM CRY PLEASE", but rather...you just wrote from experiences. In a sea of songs that are gloom and doom, it's really nice to have a bit of variety.

Love Wounds - Eek. I mean, at least you honed up to the plagairism. However, I was never a fan of that line because it's conveys a lot of things - being a domestic abuser apologist, for example. Also, the "or both" ending is really out-of-place, and it would've been better to just let it ponder on the question as to what you felt.

I also think that you were more than slightly inspired by Lana...there's a dangerous line between inspiration and flat-out copying and I think you're riding that line a bit too hard. I'd like to see your own take on the idea, rather than rewriting hers.

The Desperate Housewife - Thematically, it's really interesting. You took an intriguing approach to the topic. I thought the ending was really blunt, and I think what happened being left in the air would've actually been MORE powerful in this instance. Actually, just flat-out take away the last 4 lines...the way it ends right there is GREAT.

From a technical standpoint, you utlized some slant rhymes, and it wasn't always predictable what you would use to rhyme with, so good job on that! I think an ABAB rhyme scheme would've went better with the meter, but that's just me nitpicking for something. You did a pretty good job on this!

Originally posted by Hugamari

Oasis - The meter on this was really good There was also an emphasis on a consistent image in your song, which I think is better than a mismash of images that are of little-to-no relation. You didn't always use a hard rhyme, which lessened the monotony of it and it was overall a nice read.

Wishing Away - I could have done without the repetition; It's not very enjoyable to read. Other than that, there was a disctintive way the song carried itself which was pleasant and easy to pick up on. I also liked the use of slant rhymes and some more unpredictable word choices (ex. squander and wonder - obvious but not predictable).

[Colton Haynes]

Still waiting for Batch 3

[Temporal]

Astral Lullaby - I'm low-key a sucker for lullaby-like entries. Interesting word choice here, too! You chose a really cool way to set yourself apart, which I like. Great entry.

King!

[Temporal]

Originally posted by 8thPrince

Ugh this super hottie I've seen around a lot at our school LGBT events is behind me at our school burger joint I'm too scared to talk to him

I have faith in you

[minho]

oop I really am the outlier of the bunch

[MattyTacos]

Little Girl - AW! How cute. I didn't get the "in my dreams" part, but other than that I really liked it! It had a charming way of moving about and telling a story, and it was easy to pick up on what was going on without being bluntly told so. Great first entry!

She died and is visiting me/him in my/his dreams But yass stan daddy

[jpow]

Oasis - The meter on this was really good There was also an emphasis on a consistent image in your song, which I think is better than a mismash of images that are of little-to-no relation. You didn't always use a hard rhyme, which lessened the monotony of it and it was overall a nice read. (8/10)

[Tymps.]

Aphasia - I know this is supposed to be anonymous, but I think we all on the judging panel know who this is. Its evident just from the word choice, it's uniquely you. That's something I'd particularly enjoyed the last time I was a judge and read your entries.

With that said, I still don't think that writing from genuine emotion and experience is something to feel wrong about, even if you are doing it for a competition. It's obvious you actually care about the situation at hand, and I only think it'd be exploitation if you pretended to care. On the song itself, I already commented on the language, but I think focusing on a not-so common word is a nice approach to a song; in a way, it makes someone think a bit. The personification of "Aphasia" adds more of an identity to it, and builds upon the situation presented. I also know that this is really personal for you, but I actually appreciated how you didn't go "LOOK @ HOW SAD I AM CRY PLEASE", but rather...you just wrote from experiences. In a sea of songs that are gloom and doom, it's really nice to have a bit of variety.

Thank you I really appreciate this <3 Although I don't get why you wrote "With that said" as if you were about to be like "This is the lyrical equivalent of horse poop"

And I forgot to thank GotSkill for his comment so thank you, even though I didn't really agree with it!

[Hugamari]

BATCH THREE

Originally posted by Hugamari

The Unknown - I don't know exactly how to describe it...it felt like a GPS was giving me directions, which is a bit odd considering the opening line. But it just felt very robotic in a way. There's a lack of actual emotion to me, and a lot of it has to do with the lack of powerful language. There are buzz words like "dying" and "drowning", but there's a much bigger picture to be painted there, and you can do that with the use of your words. Really make them POP. As it stanss, I'm just pretty underwhelmed.

Play Ball - Was the explaination for the asterisks originally included in the message you sent? Because if so, I wasn't sent it, and it just looks off to me. That's not relevant to the song or anything, I just wanted to point that out!

Anyway, this felt like an essay to read. I'd suggest cutting it DOWN just a bit. I also felt like you have all these images without realizing them to their potential and actually connecting them to something in a sensible manner. It read like a bunch of disjointed ideas you had that you wrote as you went along. I know that this is centered around baseball, but there's also "red roses, shooting stars, diamonds" etc. and I am simply not getting their relevance to the song. So, in short, remember: Less is more sometimes!

Sleep - I YELPED AT "FUCK OFF, IF YOU MAY" But more on your song as a whole, it's a very different topic, and I like that. With all these ones about love (or lack of) or dying, it's nice to see something a bit more simple, yet chaotic in its own way.

But this song brought up a good topic - censor bypassing. You did a pretty good job at it, but it's still evident that you edited something. By default, everything is size 2, and it looks like your song is in size 3 . Obviously, making it the same size would make it not so evident.

...I keep going off topic, but I do agree with it being disjointed, but that was your aim so...good job?

Visionary - It does read like an intro so good on you. There's also some slant rhymes in there. As far as the theme goes, it's fitting for the round. I don't really have much else to say since you filfilled requirements.

The Beginning - An obvious, yet predictable approach to the challenge. The length is short, but I guess it fits. I like that it sounds really natural and fits the meter you set up on yourself well - it makes the whole thing come out better.

Blue Eyes - So the album is about you being a slut, yes? That's the impression I got. Not that it's a bad thing! #noshame I did feel like it was just a &tad* sleazy, but that might be the pull you're looking for. The word choice is a bit off, but I'm going to forgive that for now since I'm not sure who wrote this.

Nomads - I've never seen th~is before, and although I still stand by my stance of weird annotations to convey how a word is being said, I kind of st~an for it. This also fits into the intro theme, which is good. The only problem I had with is that it felt like a scrapbook of pictures and ideas, rather than a beautiful collage, if you get what I'm saying?

So Stay - Please tell me this is about being schizophrenic, because it'd be such a genius idea if so. Even if it's not, I'm going to act like it is so I can stan for it. It's not the most complex entry, but I can appreciate it for what it is.

One Day - This felt very plain and heard before. It's not really conveted in a unique way, so it's left feeling forgettable. I do think this would make for a good basis for something more...but as it stands it isn't something more. I hope I do get to see something more soon.

December - Snowflakes wouldn't melt in December??? I mean, unless it's a heat wave or something, but generally, it's cold enough in December for snow flakes to not melt. That sounds like a weird critique but it's how you ended your intro. Unless that was the point...? If so, I didn't get what that implies. I'd get it if it wasn't something like there being snow in the dead of July, but...eh.

I also felt this was a tad short to really get a grip on how you are as a writer...I would've liked to get a better feel for this story, because it almost feels unfair judging you based on what little you gave me.

Masquerade - I love the way this reads...like it's a lullaby or something...maybe not quite that, but the word escapes me. Regardless, it was pleasant to read with the way you structured it. I also like how you compared masquerade masks to the way people put up facades to who or how they really are. Very solid entry, overall!

Haunting - PLEEEEEEEEEASE DON'T EXTEEEEEEEND YOUR WOOOOOORDS. It just looks obnoxious to read, and it's not that helpful in determing a melody (which shouldn't be the focus of this game to begin with.) NOW, onto the content of the song: This isn't exactly a novel idea, and it's not presented in any particularly exciting or riveting way, so I don't feel much of a unique identity to it. I get that it's anonymous (for now), but even if I did have a name attached, I wouldn't be able to link it to an identifyable style.

Twilight - This unreleased Lana track isn't half bad. Anyway, I like the word choices here: cusp, savor, and liminal, for example, aren't words I was expecting for this round. I also like hoe you didn't go overboard with the attempt at imagery, so that you get a clear idea of what you're portraying. As I said: One well-executed idea is worth more than a million sloppy ones. I also think the spoken part at the end was the perfect segway to the first song on the album. As an intro, this does its job, so kudos to you!

Fool's Luck - This will sound nitpicky, but one second you're talking about dice, and the next it's a coin - I'd rather you just ran with one metaphor, if not for at least that segment of the verse, rather than it changing so suddenly. I did like the ending line, though - an unexpected one liner!

[Jaxswim]

Sorry I would be reading that if I wasn't too busy being SLAYED TO HELL AND BACK BY LIONHEART. DEMI OMGGGG

[Speezy]

Fool's Luck - This will sound nitpicky, but one second you're talking about dice, and the next it's a coin - I'd rather you just ran with one metaphor, if not for at least that segment of the verse, rather than it changing so suddenly. I did like the ending line, though - an unexpected one liner!

slay Fool's Luck

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by jpow

Did I leave that there? I ctrl+fd and EVERYTHING.