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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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Don't report me! 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Suddenly I'm overcome
Dissolving like the setting sun
Like a bullet to a heavy gun
Cause you're driving me away
M  |
And my love is no good
Against the fortress that it made of you
 probably my favorite from How Slayful How How Sacred How Beautiful
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Please someone gift me with Florence's songwriting abilities
Would you leave me if I told you what I'd done?
And would you leave me if I told you what I'd become?
Cause it's so easy to sing it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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GotSkill's Comments
Batch 1
Quote:
1. Monster (Interlude)
The way I read that “it was yoouu” had me cackling for a minute, but I hope the way I read it wasn’t your intention . I could see this actually being an interlude, so it fits the challenge extremely well, but I don’t find the song itself to be particularly interesting. Repetition in a song is important, but you took it a little too far, especially with such a short song. This song encompasses only a singular idea and moment. When doing so you should add more imagery or poetic devices to make it more interesting. A song that tells a story or that has more complex themes has less need for those things, so I would recommend trying to do that next if you don’t want to up the poeticism.
2. Eyes Show (Intro)
The title is a little weird and I don’t think the last line is really effective, but I say that only because the rest of the song is actually really good. It’s so beautifully poetic and you have fantastic imagery. Your flow is also really good. I like the way each verse is so similar, and that in itself provides the repetition I was looking for. At times the language borders on too much, but for an intro it actually works. Very euphorian.
3. Avant Garde (Intro)
Some of these rhymes feel forced. Especially in the last verse/stanza. You were talking about kissing someone in your backyard and suddenly you feel the needs to say fame 4 times in a row? I can’t really follow this song that well. Your meter could also use some work.
4. Fake Reality (Intro)
I hear the end of this as either a whispered R&B song or a hardcore screamo anthem for some reason . At times I feel like you’re forcing the poeticism, using the imagery of floating through space just because you think that will get you more points. A few lines, the “mask line, for example, don’t really make a lot of sense and contribute to the feeling that you’re not really sure what you’re doing. The song really isn’t bad though, and for a Round 1 song this is kind of what I’d expect. Next round I want your songwriting to be more convincing. I love some poetic language and strong imagery, but you have to make me believe you know what you’re writing about.
Also, I’d just like to say I appreciate the soundcloud link. I listened to the song after judging it to be fair to the other contestants, but it’s nice to be able to hear what you hear even if your abilities are limited.
5. Young Heart (Intro)
I got a few chills while reading this song. Now, that doesn’t mean the song was perfect or even my top scored song so far, but I loved the meaning behind these lyrics. I’m sure our entire generation could relate to this extremely well. The song is also very effective as an intro. It sets up your album fantastically. From the title I’m guessing you already have kind of a theme planned for this season, and that vision is really nice to see. If I could criticize anything, I’d say your language was a bit plain. Try making it a little more interesting and pay a little more attention to meter and you could really be a force in this competition.
6. Free (Intro)
I’m getting a little ClarksonSlays and a little Element here. I love both of their styles. You’re right, the song is a bit cheesy, but it would work well as an intro to a pop album. My one main criticism is the forced rhyme with the “don’t need a guide” line. Never rhyme for the sake of rhyming because it will come off as forced and lazy. Nothing about this song blows me away, but it’s a solid first entry and shows a lot of potential.
7. Chains (Intro)
It sounds like urgency. It sounds like betrayal. It sounds like running. It sounds like fainting. It sounds like love. It sounds like -- *gasp!*
Fantastic intro. I love your structure. The only thing I’m not feeling is the second to last line because it breaks the poetic tension you built. I would suggest phrasing “woken up” differently. This is an example of having really strong metaphors that don’t dilute the meaning of the song.
8. The Opposite of Emo (Intro)
This would cut it for a high school English paper, but not for this competition. The language is too familiar and basic, the flow is all off, and the rhymes are all forced. The people you described here all seem pretty emo to me, so I’m not sure what “The Opposite of Emo” is supposed to mean. Next round I suggest you send your song to a few veterans and have them send you theirs so you have a better idea of what we’re looking for here.
9. NeverEnding Limit (Intro)
This works really well as an intro, so far as meeting challenge criteria goes you hit it out of the park. I love the last part of the intro because it sets up the album extremely well. I can definitely tell what type of song this is and what type of album will follow it. The song itself is a bit generic, though. You can’t just utter a bunch of motivational phrases, slap them together and call it a song. There’s no story and you seem very unsure of your message. Make sure you know what you want to say in your song before you start writing so the message is clear and you don’t drift off.
10. Wilderness (Intro)
I can tell you have a very clear vision here, but it’s not communicated to me very effectively. I think you have a typo on the “perceiver” line and that comes off as sloppy. The last line of the second stanza also completely throws off the flow you had built up to that point. There’s some good points here and some good language, but the little mistakes almost throw me off too much to notice the highs.
11. Thinking About You (Interlude)
I have very conflicting opinions on this song. You have really good imagery and some really good lines here, but your flow is all off and a lot of rhymes are forced, especially in the first two verses. The first line is so good and sets up the song well, but the next few lines all fall flat. Fortunately, the last three verses are all executed perfectly. I’d recommend keeping to shorter verses and lines because your impact is lost on the longer verses. Get some help from fellow contestants in upcoming rounds, because I see a lot of potential for growth here even though I wasn’t slayed by this song.
12. Empire (Intro)
As an intro this works well. As a song, not quite as much. “To waves of feat”, “aiming for the home run”, and “spell my name on waving flags” are examples of lines that either don’t make sense or don’t work. Your structure and flow are on point here but the content is greatly lacking.
13. Kingdom Bells (Interlude)
This is near perfect. The structure is really interesting and very unlike anything else I’ve read thus far, but works great as an interlude. Your language is beautiful and your flow is great. My favorite line is “they’ve seen our struggles/endured by our feet/the ache in our bones/is nothing new”. I can’t wait to read a full length song by you.
14. The Real Thing (Intro)
I love your flow here. The first few verses are so groovy, even if I don’t quite understand why you separated the lines the way you did. Your language is all pretty familiar and nothing groundbreaking, but your unique flow almost makes me not care. There really aren’t any major flaws to point out other than the fact that the language was a bit boring.
15. Regret (Interlude)
This is much too short to amount to anything. I was hoping you’d at least submit something that would make me want to read more. The entire thing was incredibly basic and doesn’t really do much as a song.
16. Salaam (Intro)
I love the title and wish you would have carried that faintly exotic theme throughout the song to make it a bit more interesting and unique. There’s a typo in the first verse which throws me off a bit, but the rest of the song is quite solid. The second verse especially draws me in. I did find the song to be a bit generic, but for a first round entry it works fine.
17. Origin (Intro)
“Because we live in a world that favors the conventional” would be a line that doesn’t describe this song at all. It’s very different from anything else I’ve read this round, but I actually love it. It almost reads more like a speech than a song, which I would be wary of in other rounds, but as an intro it works. It’s inspirational without crossing over to the realm of cheesy, which is really hard to do in a song. I LOVE the lines “Any bitch can look pretty on a stage, do you sound pretty too? / Do you write your own songs? Oh, then what do you do?” This song is so convincing and charismatic.
18. The Last Days (Intro)
I love the metaphors and themes in the song. This intro sets up an album perfectly. I do have a few criticisms, however. The third verse has a few forced rhymes, specifically “name” and “game”. The last line of the first verse also makes very little sense. Other than that this is a well-executed intro that makes me excited for what is to come from you.
19. Memory Attack (Intro)
I wish the sung part was a bit longer with less repetition, but I can’t really complain much about what you did write. The spoken part was definitely interesting as I haven’t read anything else like it in this round or in previous seasons. The line “I can’t drink to forget you, so I just smoke while I regret you” is probably my favorite line so far this round, though. I wish I could give you more advice for future rounds, but since most of what you wrote wouldn’t fit in the rest of the game there’s not much I can say.
20. Neptune Blue (Interlude)
This is more of a free verse poem than a song. While I love the title, the words “Neptune Blue” don’t really fit anywhere in the song. They seem as if they’re simply thrown in there to add beauty to the song. Your language is good and there’s some good poetic elements in the song, but the flow and rhyme scheme is all off. I think you went too far with the idea of having free structure to where it becomes more of a poem than an interlude.
21. Infinity (Intro)
Fantastic intro! It’s almost overly poetic, so be careful of that in future rounds, but I think it’s fine for an intro. The concept of infinity is fascinating and I’m glad your themes didn’t get drowned in your beautiful language. Your flow is great as well. I was one step from being blown away by this.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
But your 21 era is coming  |
One can only hope!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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OMG! 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 14,512
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Batch 2 comments coming soon!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Yay he liked it!! Will the other comments come tonight? Also when are eliminations?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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I like the formatting 
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Member Since: 1/20/2012
Posts: 27,830
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Quote:
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This would cut it for a high school English paper, but not for this competition. The language is too familiar and basic, the flow is all off, and the rhymes are all forced.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
13. Kingdom Bells (Interlude)
This is near perfect. The structure is really interesting and very unlike anything else I’ve read thus far, but works great as an interlude. Your language is beautiful and your flow is great. My favorite line is “they’ve seen our struggles/endured by our feet/the ache in our bones/is nothing new”. I can’t wait to read a full length song by you.
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OMG thanks so much for this GotSkill, I hope I won't disappoint!
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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2. Eyes Show (Intro)
The title is a little weird and I don’t think the last line is really effective, but I say that only because the rest of the song is actually really good. It’s so beautifully poetic and you have fantastic imagery. Your flow is also really good. I like the way each verse is so similar, and that in itself provides the repetition I was looking for. At times the language borders on too much, but for an intro it actually works. Very euphorian
THANKz
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Element and Swiftie13 coming for blood
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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B2 plz 
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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