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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
#Pray4Clarkson
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Buy Nostalgic Invincible on iTunes
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Omg, ready for Bloomers!  I feel like he always applies a certain level of critical thought when giving feedback, and it always makes me see my entries in a new way, so it's always great to hear from him!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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You all over my skin, I'm anxious
Paint my body boy, I'll be your canvas
Don't talk to me, just show me your talent
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Actors (lovesong)It's an interesting take on the self-portrait challenge. I don't know if it fully fulfills the challenge though. Sure the description is one of acting a certain way, but it's difficult to get a grasp of a personal flavor from that and you're an interesting individual with a unique style and voice (to be fair though, there are some hints at this throughout, like the: "I try so hard to have what it takes" lyrics). It's an interesting song and topic though (I detect a possible St. Vincent influence?), portraying yourself as an actor in the way you did. I did like the balance between showing and telling; lines like "Playing parts that others chose" are meaningful and telling without plainly stating the intent of the line (that line especially is one of my favorites of the song). There are some uneven portions though. Some awkward phrasing with "I'm in on the gig," which involves an awkward use of the word "gig;" and more awkward phrasing with "a chant that fulfills me" which is stretched to fit in the line but doesn't flow as well. Also, it may be silly to point out, but I had a hard time with the "people's choice" lyric. The lyrics overall were more serious in tone and I just thought it didn't work in context because of the more silly nature of that award and word choice is important to communicate a consistent message. I did like the lyrics overall though.
Cold Front (conatus)
Well, I think that the metaphor here might be a little too abstract to fully function as a self-portrait. I generally really love your style and your ambition with your entries, but I think a slightly more straight forward approach may have benefited you this round. It's a self-portrait round, your chance to let everyone know what it's like to be you. I get the analogy here, but a cold front isn't the most releatable object. I do appreciate though that you do play around with the structure of your entries from week to week. I also think that the first three lines of the chorus are slightly weak compared to the rest of the song. The sentiment is dramatic, but the language isn't; that section of the chorus seems to give the speaker direct control of the weather, which is cool (pun unintended) but is a lot more direct in tone than the majority of the lyrics and it could benefit from more emotionally charged words/ imagery. All that being said. I do like the song, there are some lyrics that show a lot without explicitly telling the meaning like "having conversations with myself / to myself, I'm no stranger..." and this song is one of your strongest yet at doing that which is a good thing.
Dark Side (ClarksonSlays)
As far as the self-portrait aspect of the challenge goes, I think it's a solid job. You really had a firm grasp of how to paint a picture and met that part of the challenge well. The lyrics worked to put together a fully realized image that's pretty complex in character. That being said, I think that this is one of your less strong entries. Tonally, it feels a little inconsistent. I like how you presented the innocent and darker sides to the personality, but a couple of the rhymes make the lyrics feel a little too light-hearted (the "kink"/"think" rhyme especially feels slightly forced, and is on the silly side which gives the lyrics a less serious tone and makes some of the more sexual lyrics jarring). There are also some awkward phrasings like the fifth line of the second verse and the fourth line of the bridge which is confusing as to who is being referenced.
Deer (keshasparsxo)
Nice approach to the theme! The extended metaphor really worked because everything related back to the deer that was the central idea behind the song. Thematically, the song felt pretty complete and the story telling was great. There are just a couple minor things: I thought the leaf metaphor in the bridge took away some of impact of actually visualizing the deer as fragile since the deer was already serving as a metaphor and the added metaphor took away from the deer a little bit; and there were a couple awkward phrasings like "on an endless roam" and "little deer mirrored and I see" in the second verse, but they weren't enough to really take me out of the mood of the song.
Dont Cry Wolf (8thPrince)
The word play was great! I loved the "outfoxed" line and the "If you'd let me sleep" line. I do wish that the self-portrait aspect was more straight-forward since the song is more abstract in it's representation of the wolf and the way he presents himself. I do feel that a more definite rhyme scheme could help out the lyrics overall and make it more accessible, especially since there is some more abstract word play and vocabulary in play.
Free (Era)
There are some awkward phrasings here and there. "Tired of running for my dreams" in the first verse sticks out since you don't typically run for dreams. There are a couple rhymes that feel forced and may be the cause of the awkward phrasings like the "better"/"forever" thyme in the second verse that has the awkwardly phrased "short-lived smiles followed by pain forever." I do think that you represent yourself fairly well though and met the requirements of the challenge, just some more editing might help.
More Than This (Sam)
I feel like a stand-out lyric: some kind of metaphor, or word play, or phrase could really have elevated the lyrics. I think you nailed the self-portrait challenge, you outline the part of yourself that wants more, the part that pushes yourself and that's admirable. Although I think you tackled the self-portrait challenge well, the lyrics feel a little too straight-forward in its narration; there were a couple lines that read more as a platitude than something really meaningful or affecting like "live the greatest story ever told," or "I've always set my sights upon gold." I think this could be helped by relating the lyrics more to your personal situation; for example "so inconsistent, knew I was different" tells me you're inconsistent but it is harder to relate to while a statement like "wouldn't say I'm conceited, maybe just overzealous," offers an actual example of how you're feeling and shows depth and slight amount self-doubt. There were also some ideas that were a little too vague for me throughout, like "I'll last like a famous wonder," is an interesting start to a line, but doesn't say enough on its own to reveal more.
Self-Destruct (EuphorianSea)
Interesting title. It had my attention right away. You got the self-portrait challenge down. Overall, I liked the lyrics. the language is appropriately dramatic and emotionally charged for a song called self-destruct and I liked the repetition of the title phrase which gave the song some nice instability. It might be more of a personal preference, but lines like: "my heart starts to come undone" sound meaningful on first listen, but don't really speak to me or give me the same type of feeling as something less poetic and more visceral like "every day I put on my face/Wishing everything's gonna change." Overall though, I like how the lyrics revolve around the central theme of self-destructing.
The Cave (GotSkill)
I'm not sure that the song works as a self-portrait here. There are glimpses the challenge, but overall, it feels more like a narrative, like you're telling a story here especially since there is more description of setting rather than self. I like the language used for the most part, especially in the description of the cave, although I do think that language can really help set a mood and while words like "blackened," and "cavernous," add up to establish a hopeless and lonely mood, I don't really think that a word like "photophobic" would have enough meaning behind it to use and a word like that comes across as pretty out of place. Anyway, there were parts that didn't feel as measured and polished like the "Just as the light and my eyes met" phrasing. Not sure about what that ending means also Peter Quill.
To Me... (Hugamari)
First, I liked the reference to To You. The language was pretty straight-forward and so were the feelings conveyed and I think the directness of both the lyrics and message of the lyrics really worked for a song like this to help you nail the self-portrait challenge. It was easy to really get a feel for what the portrait you had in mind would look like. "No one wants to know it hurts" is a simple enough line, but it is one of the hardest hitting that I've read yet (especially in context of the rest of the song). There's really not much else to say except the song is pretty fully realized and had me feeling some emotions when I finished reading.  Nice job 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by lovesong
You all over my skin, I'm anxious
Paint my body boy, I'll be your canvas
Don't talk to me, just show me your talent
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QUEEN Mia Martina her legendary anthem.  That song still gets me hyped every time I listen to it, so flawless. 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Yas thank you bloomers
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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Thank you Bloomers! I'm glad you liked some of it nn
I forgot to thank all of the judges for their comments actually. I genuinely appreciate your thoughts and even if I am eliminated, your words will still help me in my future writing (songwriting wasn't even something I considered until this game).
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by lovesong
Thank you Bloomers! I'm glad you liked some of it nn
I forgot to thank all of the judges for their comments actually. I genuinely appreciate your thoughts and even if I am eliminated, your words will still help me in my future writing (songwriting wasn't even something I considered until this game).
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Did you really submit the draft or were you joking before?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
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Yesss! I hear it on the radio here so often an it's such an addicting song. It's quite different from her other singles too. I also recall loving Danse
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
Bloomers' reviews are coming in about 10 minutes!
Matty's reviews may also come tonight. He was nice in his reviews, but he established himself as my new favorite judge by dragging all of you in the scores.  |
The slayage
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
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Interesting title. It had my attention right away. You got the self-portrait challenge down. Overall, I liked the lyrics. the language is appropriately dramatic and emotionally charged for a song called self-destruct and I liked the repetition of the title phrase which gave the song some nice instability. It might be more of a personal preference, but lines like: "my heart starts to come undone" sound meaningful on first listen, but don't really speak to me or give me the same type of feeling as something less poetic and more visceral like "every day I put on my face/Wishing everything's gonna change." Overall though, I like how the lyrics revolve around the central theme of self-destructing.
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Thank you!
It's interesting you say that tbh. I can see what you mean.
I really love the transition from "But my heart starts to come undone" to "And I self-destruct" tho.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
Did you really submit the draft or were you joking before? |
I did submit my draft by accident. I've been writing drafts and putting my general ideas in one document as brainstorming and then I copy/paste the drafts I like into a new document to fix it up. Unfortunately I think I had both documents open and copied the draft version of the song when I sent.
It didn't help that this week I didn't get feedback from anyone else.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
The slayage
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You've been ruthless lately, both in your scores and on ATRL in general. I'm smitten
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Omg thank you Bloomers. I'm sure the other judges pick up on references I make and stuff, but I always liked how you let me know these things, so it doesn't go unnoticed.
Also glad to have not disappointed you this week, because I'd be most upset about disappointing you, tbh.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
You've been ruthless lately, both in your scores and on ATRL in general. I'm smitten
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I'm lowkey showing no mercy. Did you see me get that bitch banned for dragging demi then me twice. 
mess at this gif 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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#Pray4Clarkson
#Pray4lovesong
#Pray4Matty
#Pray4UndershippedHilaryDuff
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 8,787
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Thank you Bloomers
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by lovesong
Yesss! I hear it on the radio here so often an it's such an addicting song. It's quite different from her other singles too. I also recall loving Danse
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Wish radios would play something like that here. I discovered Mia Martina through Pandora and I've loved her since I first heard Devotion. Beast is what sealed the deal and made her become one of my favorite artists, though! It was #6 on my Year End last year, though I'd only first heard the song in November.
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