[Stark]

Matty's and Tymps' reviews are positive yay! Have Bloomers' reviews been posted?

Edit: yes they were dd

[Stark]

Ok so Bloomers' review is kinda positive too. The gun line follows the story, she says 'I wish I was dead', then 'the room's all in red (blood)', and at the end 'I took the gun', meaning that she killed herself.

[Tymps.]

Oh wait Era my comment for you in the Tymps judging post isn't actually my comment for you. TT must have accidentally put in someone else's.

[Temporal]

Tymps - Mixed
Bloomers - Generally positive
Matty - Very positive

Based on the hints yesterday:
TT - Very positive-ish
FeFe - Very positive (for FeFe)

My body is ready

[feelslikeadream]

Originally posted by ClarksonSlays

Tymps - Mixed
Bloomers - Generally positive
Matty - Very positive

Based on the hints yesterday:
TT - Very positive-ish
FeFe - Very positive (for FeFe)

My body is ready

Just wait for the full review.

[UFO]

Can't wait for TT's critical acclaim

I've never been someone's #1

[Era]

Originally posted by Tymps.

Oh wait Era my comment for you in the Tymps judging post isn't actually my comment for you. TT must have accidentally put in someone else's.

Mess N I thought I could be happy about at least one thing

I LOVED the verses, you did such a great job on them The rest is a pretty straight forward, simplistic affair. Not good enough to match your previous entries but certainly not bad enough to get you eliminated. You had the toughest week, so the fact that you managed to submit something solid speaks volumes about your potential. You go girl

This SO applies to me tho

[Stark]

When you want to see the live results but your local football team have just won a match and you have to celebrate it

[Lukey]

Originally posted by EuphorianSea

Can't wait for TT's critical acclaim

I've never been someone's #1

Me being in his top 10 is amazing, I can't wait to see what he says

[Hugamari]

Okay, so since Adam was posting about his adventures in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, since I already posted this in the Pokemon thread, and since this has basically been my life since yesterday, I am going to post my team from a fan-made Pokemon game called Pokemon Zeta & Omicron.

wtf is pokemon zeta and omicron

It features Pokemon up to Gen 6, an interesting story, and some pretty cool side-game/post-game content (I haven't got to post-game yet, but the side game is pretty cool!) The normal game is harder than the main series games, and there's a challenge mode too!

ANYWAY...

Sloresea (Kingdra ♀) Level 38 (starter) Quiet Nature Swift Swim Surf Hydro Pump Focus Energy Acid

Grace (Lilligant ♀) Level 36 Naughty Nature Own Tempo Giga Drain Leech Seed Sleep Powder Quiver Dance

Ginger (Gengar ♀) Level 33 Naive Nature Levitate Shadow Ball Confuse Ray Hypnosis Acid

CookinMama (Kangaskhan ♀) Item: Choice Band Level 38 Docile Nature Early Bird Earthquake Crunch Brick Break Strength

Hawlucha ♂ Level 33 (Mystery Gift event) Modest Nature Uburden Hone Claws Rock Slide Aerial Ace Flying Press

Slaypom (Aipom ♂)
Level 17 (HM Slave/Pickup Slave)
Adamant Nature
Pickup
Cut
Tickle
Astonish
Sand Attack

[UFO]

Originally posted by JustLuke

Me being in his top 10 is amazing, I can't wait to see what he says

Same

[UFO]

so cute!

[Era]

Originally posted by Tymps.

Oh wait Era my comment for you in the Tymps judging post isn't actually my comment for you. TT must have accidentally put in someone else's.

K so wait what's my actual comment from you?

[Lukey]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[Truth Teller]

Black Swan (Buyonce1814)

This song had a nice consistent mood that I think worked well. The chorus having the same lines repeated twice made it feel a little flat to me, especially since those 4 lines were kind of anti-climactic; the beginning has a compelling defiant tone, but the “Perfection is what I yearn” feels less urgent (and also doesn’t work grammatically - one yearns for something and “yearn” is not a transitive verb). The sort of rhyme scheme in the 2nd verse (compared to the lack of one in the 1st except for the slant rhyme of ‘materialize / inside') was jarring. On the whole, it seems kind of weird to write a song so directly about a film plot when you have the creativity to come up with whatever you want.

Club Games (Eros)

Oh, are you a fellow 5H fan? This song felt very average to me. Some of the lines were cheesy or lazy (“I’m your dude”; “you just tryna pound") but other details were cute (“we can do that in the morning”) and I kinda got a Good Thing vibe from it (#BuyGoodThingoniTunes) that I liked. The song lacked movement as the verses and chorus all talked about the same thing in the same way. Overall, this didn’t feel quite as compelling or thought out as most of the entries we’re getting at this point in the competition, where you need to bring your best writing to each round. This felt more like something you’d submit in the first few weeks just to get through, which is disappointing considering how open the challenge was this week.

Dance With The Ghosts (ClarksonSlays)

This song makes great use of the sustained metaphor and tells a story without the narrative tedium of past entries from other contestants. The development of the theme through the verse to the chorus (where the motif is made explicit) works well. I don’t think the bridge works very well; people hearing this on the radio won’t get the ‘valley’ bits and “I unwrapped” is a little clumsy either way. My other issue was just in word choice/phrasing: some of the language felt awkward, like “bound by a ring,” “laughs trapped,” and “make you bloom.” Still, this is both accessible and well-written and is a sort of return to form for you.

Dummy (8thPrince)

I really prefer the verses to the chorus here; the writing in the verses is really strong for the most part, but the chorus is a bit too simplistic (“scary dream”) and lacks the kind of punch I think it needs. I know what definition of “dummy” you mean to use here, but the first line is “You’re a dummy” and no matter what your intentions are, you have to consider what others will think when they read/hear the line. The bridge is OK, but note that the second line has odd syntax: it says that your fingers have a floor (“hit the floor on my fingers”). A piece of advice I always give is to NOT mess with the syntax just to get a rhyme. Moving the prepositional phrase to the end here is awkward.

Garden Full Of Roses (Era)

What a gorgeous cover! This song had nice imagery and I ultimately liked the end of the chorus; it was a sweet and sensitive take on a sex jam that imbues the moment with an ephemeral splendor I found compelling. While the idea was there, the execution was not; a lot of the rhymes felt tortured and the word choices were imprecise or odd. I find the “piercing through a little door” line the most awkward, and still don’t know what it means (unless the door is a hymen?). “Hours swiftly glide” is an example of the S-V inversion I complain about all the time. And the tense changes in the chorus in a weird way: “You pulled [past tense] me closer and the gap between us closes [present tense].” The whole song is in past tense, so you can’t introduce a new tense just to work for the rhyme scheme. Since this was submitted late, I’ll assume you didn’t have a lot of time to polish the language once you had the ideas down, which is what it feels like.

Hold Your Hand (keshaspearsxo)

The repetition of that line in chorus works well to give this song some heart that is nicely built in the second part of each verse. The first half of the verses are kind of unclear to me. I just don’t get what you mean by “simple/easy as word” I thought you were just missing a word in the 1st verse, but you repeat the phrase in the 2nd verse so I assume it’s not an accident. Candle similes are kind of common, but I think you used it well and I like the “need you over all of me” in the sea simile. My biggest issue is probably the first half of the chorus: I don’t think an aura “spills” and I think the second line feels a bit out of place. The rhyming also feels a bit easy most of the time. Next week, I encourage you to try some slant rhymes.

Its Just A Game (Hugamari)

I really like “We love the way we hate it” in the chorus, and the general rhythm of the chorus (i.e. the short first line), esp. coming after the verses. The rhythm in the verses is one of the issues I have with the song; it feels a bit humdrum with the 7-8-7-8 syllables plus the AAAA rhyme scheme. That kind of staccato rhythm at once works to sort of reinforce your “just a game” theme, but it also makes the song feel kind of constricted and like it’s a military march song. Much like last week, this song uses fairly common language but doesn’t have any awkward lines, so I want you to give me a couple killer lines in your next song that I haven't heard before.

Left Hollow (BlueM)

I liked the passion you evoked in this song, but a lot of the lyrics felt somewhat commonplace. You don’t need to fill your songs with figurative language if that’s not your style, but if you’re using mostly common words, then you need to arrange them in a creative way that makes them stand out. Too much of this feels familiar: glass breaks, flames die out, you scream and shout, etc. I liked the bridge best I think, except for the last line, which I don’t think works on either a literal or figurative level. Similar to what I said to Huga, I don’t think there’s a lot WRONG here, but there’s also nothing that really grabs my attention.

Love Is A Gamble (JustLuke)

I like the chorus for both how the metaphor is expressed and for the short lines/rhythm. The gaming stuff is extended later in cute, creative ways (’show me your hand, let me hold on’). My biggest issue is that the verses have way too much familiar or predictable language. I think the easiest way to see examples of this is to look at the imagery/phrases you’re using and ask yourself if someone could predict them easily, like this: “Where is blood rushing?” “Through veins.” Sometimes it’s not that simple of course, like how “craving for more” and “stakes are high” and “alone in bed” are familiar without necessarily being predictable/cliche, but with many of your entries so far, I think this is the key thing you need to work on. If a phrase comes REALLY quickly to you while you’re writing, it’s probably because it uses worn out language, so try to craft the lines in ways that are unique to your song.

Monster (dwuw)

It’s funny: I liked the chorus until I got to the line with the title in it. The first part of the chorus is simple but really effective and powerful. I don’t find “You wanted me to burn / like I’m a monster” quite as compelling though because I don't feel a connection between the burning and the monster, a link implied by the "like." Anyway, the verses were really tight in terms of structure, although the rhyming was really inconsistent: sometimes all three lines rhyme, sometimes just 2 do, and sometimes none of the lines rhyme. That comes across as a bit messy. I also felt that some of the language just didn’t really work: why is the teardrop ‘dark’? “Lost all around” is vague. It felt a little like you were just listing phrases that evoked dark imagery without really imbuing your lyrics with a real drive or purpose. The song doesn’t develop much throughout, but sticks to the one type of imagery/theme.

Regret (lovesong)

While Ribcage slayed me with its simplicity and power, this song felt a little underwhelming when I was done reading it. I really admire songwriters who can write short songs that still pack a punch, but this one felt short and like it was missing something. Because the song addresses something so vague (regret), it’s never grounded in something that I think readers/listeners can hold onto or relate to very well. Some of the language was strained (“Hoping leading astray brings me some”). I like the first two lines of the chorus best I think.

ruins (Gotskill)

Did you write that first line just so you could hear me point out how it’s an oxymoron? Let’s not get things off on the wrong foot in the future, please. I liked the rhythm and lyrics in the chorus a lot, although I thought the “just one remains” was vague and indefinite—one what? Ruin? Then why does the next line say “rubble and ruins [plural] are all that remain”? And I know you were trying to be cute with that internal rhyme, but things don’t crash into ash. Things crumble, deteriorate, disintegrate, decay, etc. into ash, and I feel like I’m always noting that some of your word choices are imprecise. The bridge was the best, esp. the name being etched on the ruins and the scars from building the kingdom. The only line I don’t like in the bridge is the “eyes drowning in tears” because it’s 1. cliche and 2. sentimental nonsense imagery, but overall, this might be your best entry all season and a marked improvement over last week, which felt forced. You should do your next music video to this baller song.

Set Sail (Sam)

Sail OnSet Sail is one of the best songs in the competition so far; the structure is interesting and consistent, the rhyming doesn’t feel forced or lazy (even in the pre-chorus, with the AAAA rhyme scheme), each part of the song develops the theme and narrative in a new way, and I find myself caring about the speaker. This song tells a story in a compelling way using all the ocean/boat language without making it feel forced or overdone. I have only one small issue: some of the lines feel just slightly jumbled so that you could get to a certain syllable count. For example, “from the spell which you had cast” doesn’t need “which” and also shouldn’t be in the past perfect tense (“had cast”). “From the spell you cast” is obviously too short, so it feels like you added the other two words to make the meter work. It’s not terrible or anything, but in a song as tight as this, minor details like this stick out.

Tender (conatus)

All the commas gave this song an interesting lethargic feel that helped me imagine what it would sound like if it were recorded. The balance here seems off: the verse is really short, the pre-chorus is only 2 lines, and then the chorus is long. This makes the verse + PC feel a bit lost, placing more emphasis on the chorus, which I don’t think is particularly strong. “Pick at me” is kind of disturbing (which may be what you were going for) and if this song is about losing your virginity, I think the ‘consume’ and ‘ruin’ verbs work fine, but the "pick at me” just grosses me out as I imagine someone picking someone’s body apart like meat I’m sure the judges will have a lot to say about the bridge, and I just don’t even know how to address it. I like the structure and the “Send me out to sea” line (which seems to be inspired by “Set Sail”), but if this song is really about sex like I think, I don’t know why you need to talk about your father for so long.

When They Cry (EuphorianSea)

I love how you wrote a song about your fellow competitors getting eliminated :’( This is a strong entry that has a mostly sound structure and develops the theme nicely as it goes along. I think the first verse is stronger than the second, although I’m glad the 2nd introduces the “we” to complicate the theme a bit. The rhyming in the verses was a little jarring in its inconsistency. I like what you’re calling the post-chorus here, and feel like it should actually just be part of the chorus—having just the chorus after the 2nd verse feels short and unfinished. My favorite thing about the actual chorus is the structure—the short lines and repetition of “whey they cry” works well in contrast to the long-lined verses. I’m imagining this as a cute reggae bop.

Wicked Entropy (inuborg)

The verses have great rhythm and I like the contrast with the sung chorus and the short lines there. When I first read this song, I thought the first verse was weak lyrically and that kind of brought down my expectations for the song, but I think the 2nd verse is actually pretty good. My issue with the first is that it’s very standard for this type of song—the details feel familiar and the language is definitely very familiar. The rhymes aren’t particularly bad or anything, but they are mostly easy. But the 2nd verse develops the story in a really compelling way that really helped you out. This verse feels specific and raw (starting with the passion line). There are still some awkward lines (why the paper cuts?) but nothing egregious. Fortunately, I think the 3rd verse is strong as well, and I really liked the variation on the chorus in the end. So basically, what I’m saying is that the first verse was def the weakest part of this song, so it kind of got off on the wrong foot. Next time, be sure the opening is strong and hooks the reader instead of saving all the best stuff for the 2nd half of the song.

[Stark]

pls start I have to leave in 15 minutes

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by EuphorianSea

so cute!

She's a queen, really! Love ha.

[feelslikeadream]

No Blastoise, Pidgeot, or Jynx on your team?

[Lukey]

I like the chorus for both how the metaphor is expressed and for the short lines/rhythm. The gaming stuff is extended later in cute, creative ways (’show me your hand, let me hold on’). My biggest issue is that the verses have way too much familiar or predictable language. I think the easiest way to see examples of this is to look at the imagery/phrases you’re using and ask yourself if someone could predict them easily, like this: “Where is blood rushing?” “Through veins.” Sometimes it’s not that simple of course, like how “craving for more” and “stakes are high” and “alone in bed” are familiar without necessarily being predictable/cliche, but with many of your entries so far, I think this is the key thing you need to work on. If a phrase comes REALLY quickly to you while you’re writing, it’s probably because it uses worn out language, so try to craft the lines in ways that are unique to your song.

Thank you for this, I understand and appreciate this feedback.

I will try my hardest to not come up with predictable phrases and I hope to learn from this, thank you once again!

Also I'm glad you picked up on the "Show me your hand" part.

[UFO]

I love how you wrote a song about your fellow competitors getting eliminated :’( This is a strong entry that has a mostly sound structure and develops the theme nicely as it goes along. I think the first verse is stronger than the second, although I’m glad the 2nd introduces the “we” to complicate the theme a bit. The rhyming in the verses was a little jarring in its inconsistency. I like what you’re calling the post-chorus here, and feel like it should actually just be part of the chorus—having just the chorus after the 2nd verse feels short and unfinished. My favorite thing about the actual chorus is the structure—the short lines and repetition of “whey they cry” works well in contrast to the long-lined verses. I’m imagining this as a cute reggae bop.

Nnnnnnnn



Yayyy I'm glad you liked it