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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
When you quote someone's post but they haven't finished editing yet  |
my ARTPOST could mean NE thing
@ me next time
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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And there's just a pillow where your head used to sleep
My vision's twanty/twanty
I see through you now
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Black Swan (Buyonce1814)I like what you have to say in the chorus. It's a powerful statement. A couple lines approach clichés (the mirror line, the angel line) but I feel like that was a point here considering the line about them. There are a couple areas in the verses where I feel the flow could improve; a couple places in the verses. A rhyme or two might feel forced as well, like the "yearn" rhyme (I would say if the normal structure of whatever you're going to write has to be altered, the rhyme might come across as slightly off). I like some of the language in your first verse. It's powerful without being overdone and adds character and I almost wish there was more throughout; but I do feel like this was your most cohesive entry yet and my favorite so far from you.
Club Games (Eros)
I would love to hear this one. There are a couple lines that walk up to the line of good taste, like the first line of verse one and the second of verse two. I also don't think "dude" works throughout; the guy seems too slick for that based off the character you established for him throughout and the word disrupts the flow. Other than that, the "B/D" rhyme in verse 1 was incredible and good call on kepping the lyrics relatively straight-forward, yet with a good measure of humor, which is perfect for a fun club track like this one.
Dance With The Ghosts (ClarksonSlays)
Your words work to set up a nice atmosphere and conjure up some good images (like just about every line in your chorus) and lines like the last two (about the moon and stars) of the second verse are stellar in how simply put but affective they are. There are some awkward phrasings throughout like the "time" line in the second verse and the "windows" line in the chorus. The repetition of the dancing with ghosts line in the chorus (I can't help but think of Gaga) and the "bump in the night" bridge do also seem to add some campiness that doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the tone.
Dummy (8thPrince)
There is some great imagery here. The content of the first verse is great. I loved that you used the word "display" for the situation and your description of the "dummy." I do think that the subject matter is a little unfocused; the first verse has that great description of the situation and the second verse has that great "marionette" line but there is also an introduced jenga/puzzle metaphor in the second verse that distracts from the central metaphor used; in addition,the lines about the dummy falling apart (not the first thing I associate with dummies) are confusing. I do also think the chorus comes across on the weak side; some rhymes could have helped bind it together for me.
Garden Full Of Roses (Era)
Watch the verb tenses. The second line in the chorus switches out of the past tense. There are a couple places that could be tighter like the finger on the lips line and the "piercing" door line also feels off, it almost feels too abrupt for the romantic tone of the overall lyrics. You do handle the little romantic details extremely well though, from the "sultry blue eyes" to the knockout first two lines of verse one.
Hold Your Hand (keshaspearsxo)
There are a couple of phrasings that are awkward: the third line of the first verse feels incomplete in thought and the "take it further line in the chorus." I do also think the "high" wordplay falls a little bit flat; so much of the lyrics are mournful and wistful or romantic and then the slangy "hotboxes" lyric comes in and seems to throw off the tone. I do think the flow could be slightly improved in a couple places but... some of the the comparisons are really well done (I love the sand and sea line especially) and the escalation in the bridge was great; the real winner was that unconventional subject matter of the song, a complex feeling that was made relatable.
Its Just A Game (Hugamari)
The lyrics are solid, the structure is solid, the flow is solid to me. That being said, I got the message of the song, but I just didn't quite feel the emotion of it. I get that the "just a game" lyric is supposed to serve the purpose of somewhat justifying the actions of the characters in an ironic way but . I do also think that the description of the verses comes across a little restrained and almost like narration in how general the descriptions are; the more general details may make the subject and details more difficult to truly sympathize with and feel. There are some stand-out lines though like the "Blood" line in the first verse and the first two of the bridge.
Left Hollow (BlueM)
There is a lot of emotion in the lyrics and some very passionate words and I love how the chorus ends on the title phrase. We get a sense that the subject of the song feels this intense emotion but we don't really know how or why these feelings are justified; a minor detail or hint could help empathize with the subject. I did really like how the recurring fire imagery and how the fire and structure of the chorus sets up the title phrase; it's very satisfying.
Love Is A Gamble (JustLuke)
I like the chorus, each word really flows nicely from one to the next. It helps that you have some repeated sounds and some variation in your rhyming. I think the poker metaphor could be more focused though; it doesn't feel as strong as it can be. Your second verse seems to be committed to the gambling theme of the song, but the first verse doesn't feel as related to the content. Also, the two seem to be in direct competition and the narrator is addicted to gambling, but he also seems to want to be won by the other person?
Monster (dwuw)
There are a couple logical inconsistencies here: the person is left out in the rain in the second verse and drowned in a dark sea in the first verse, but the chorus revolves around fire and the person burning; they're metaphors but they do contradict. That being said, there is some strong imagery here; the first part of the first verse especially. There are a couple parts that could flow better: I think the last like of the chorus sticks out because of the different verb tense and the lack of a rhyme and line three of the second verse could flow better as well. I'm not sure if the pre-chorus adds to the song (especially the gun lyric, but that could be more of a personal preference.
Regret (lovesong)
The opening line is engaging and immediate; a great opener. There are some sections here that are difficult to decipher; I'm not quite sure the second verse comes together, the lyrics appear to be more abstract, but the grammar (especially in the second line) makes the verse difficult to read. The more abstract lyrics do work overall though, best in the first verse. Although, the third verse could end on a stronger note with a conclusive rhyme.
ruins (Gotskill)
I think the passive voice in the second line throws off the tone slightly as the rest of the verse and lyrics are actively voiced. To me, the verse is slightly less powerful than the chorus and bridge (maybe because the "quicksand"/"land" lines don't feel as purposeful as the remainder of the lyrics) but the lyrics are uniformly great. You do a great job of showing the emotion and make great use of your words; even though the words themselves aren't complex, they are properly able to get across some deep feeling (especially the "etched" lyric and the first line of the bridge).
Set Sail (Sam)
With a song subject like this, there is a risk of it coming across as slightly gimmicky but I think you navigate away from that mostly with your description of the relationship. That being said, the tone does shift between the pre-chorus and the chorus. The chorus has these intense images with the winds and the waves, but the pre-chorus has the line about the reflection which is sillier in nature. There are a couple other places where the tone is uneven like in the second verse: the first part has that poetic lyrics about the aura and then the second part of the verse has the last line double entendre with the "mast." Also, The first part of the bridge also is difficult to understand with the bait analogy; but I did like the overall story telling of the lyrics.
Tender (conatus)
I get the analogy here, comparing the younger person of the song with a piece of tender meat. The mood is also consistently confrontational and degrading and the lyrics are impressively layered in how degrading they are across the song's characters. That being said there are a couple sections that don't flow as well as the whole of the lyrics do, like parts of the bridge where some of the rhymes feel slightly forced (the "mouth" "come out" line is most salient to me).
When They Cry (EuphorianSea)
The opening two lines do not quite give the strongest impression of the song. It is interesting to see you play around with the structure of the song though and you do have some nice stand-out lyrics like the second line of the post-chorus with the "black" "white" juxtaposition and the "wounded" line in the second verse. There are also a couple sections that could be smoothed out, the final line of the chorus feels not as smooth as it could be, as does the third line of verse two. It is a little difficult to gather who the "they" in your lyrics is referring to and there is little hint past the first verse but your overall language is easy enough to relate to and pick up emotion from.
Wicked Entropy (inuborg)
Your story telling is very well-done. The little details like in the last line of verse two, the eighth line of verse one added to the story and made the lyrics as impactful and easy to see and relate to as possible. There are a couple parts that could be smoother sure: like the fourth line of verse one, eigth line of the second verse, and a couple other lines here or there, but there was a very nice and varied overall flow and your story-telling was gripping and affecting.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
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The opening two lines do not quite give the strongest impression of the song. It is interesting to see you play around with the structure of the song though and you do have some nice stand-out lyrics like the second line of the post-chorus with the "black" "white" juxtaposition and the "wounded" line in the second verse. There are also a couple sections that could be smoothed out, the final line of the chorus feels not as smooth as it could be, as does the third line of verse two. It is a little difficult to gather who the "they" in your lyrics is referring to and there is little hint past the first verse but your overall language is easy enough to relate to and pick up emotion from.
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"They" is everyone and no one at all
I don't like to spell it out in my songs
Thanks tho, it's appreciated
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Thanks Bloomers 
I'm gonna call it and say that Sam is No. 1 overall.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Wait mess at my title being mispelled  "Dance" not "Dancing"
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 12,615
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Quote:
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It is a little difficult to gather who the "they" in your lyrics is referring to and there is little hint past the first verse
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Can I just say this is why I think the English title of Higurashi kind of sucks?
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
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The opening two lines do not quite give the strongest impression of the song.
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It's supposed to be like that, the song starts off weak which contrasts from the strong exterior the narrator is trying to portray. The narrator then starts to feel responsible and eventually wakes up to reality.
I should've made it clearer, I guess
Quote:
Originally posted by 8thPrince
Can I just say this is why I think the English title of Higurashi kind of sucks?
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No, you can't. Not with your titles sis.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Quote:
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I like the chorus, each word really flows nicely from one to the next. It helps that you have some repeated sounds and some variation in your rhyming. I think the poker metaphor could be more focused though; it doesn't feel as strong as it can be. Your second verse seems to be committed to the gambling theme of the song, but the first verse doesn't feel as related to the content. Also, the two seem to be in direct competition and the narrator is addicted to gambling, but he also seems to want to be won by the other person?
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Thank you for this, it's very appreciated.
I would try to explain but I'm feeling a bit ill right now, however it does make sense, just yeah. It doesn't matter
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Me, Clarkson, Sam, dwuw, and Euphorian (not in that order) will make up the top 5 I'm predicting
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 476
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Tymps
A lot of this was written very formally. Everything was grammatically correct but it made it not sound very casual and actually a little uncomfortable. I really feel like that was this song’s downfall, because it made the whole thing feel a little stoic. Someone truly feeling these emotions wouldn’t be talking or writing like this. For future songs, try to really feel the protagonist’s emotions as you write and write as if you are them 100%. I’m not a person who normally criticizes things because they don’t sound “true”. Execution was an issue, but you did have some interesting ideas in there, like the first line! It starts in media res which is rather exciting for the listener.
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I actually wrote this song because I was feeling the emotions I wrote about. 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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only TWO eliminations? How many rounds are you planning on for this game? 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
Me, Clarkson, Sam, dwuw, and Euphorian (not in that order) will make up the top 5 I'm predicting
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What's tea?
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Yay for only 2 eliminations, I have a chance!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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OK sistrens I'm going to go hang out with mah new heteronormative alleged bisexual indie songwriter sports loving crush so I'll check in on mobile in an hour or so
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Tymps - thank you so much for the review. Conflict was something I was actually trying to convey. It's about that self-doubt that people have about themselves even though they know they can do it. I wanted it to progressively get darker as he becomes consumed by the black swan but I just couldn't get it right so I'm still going to work on it a little. I appreciate all you've said and I'm happy you thought it was good work! 
Bloomers - I definitely agree about the cliches. I really tried to avoid them but I had to use them in the end to get the point across. I think it's one of those few occasions where it works. Flow was something I tried so hard to work on but it meant either adding 'filler' words or risk making it not make sense. Does that make sense? haha. So glad it's your favourite so far. That means a lot because it means that I'm improving. Thank you so much for that review 
Matty - The "their" is sort of a reference to performing the Black Swan. In that sentence the their is the audience. The song is actually about me in this competition and I guess the 'their' would be you and the other judges. I'm SO glad you liked the bridge!! I thought that was the weakest so for you to say it's your favorite means so much! I'm so grateful for your review! Thank you 
Quote:
Originally posted by posh
I'm so happy to see Buy getting good reviews! Good thing he didn't give up on the song, like he almost wanted to.  |
Nnnnnn! Not just the song - I nearly quit ! Glad I didn't though. The song still needs work imo but I'm humbled by the response so far.
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 8,787
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OK so Matty loved my chorus and second verse. and he disliked 2 lines. Thank you Matty and with the second line of the pre-chorus I was just making the transition of them going thru a little door which led to the garden but yeah I get that it cane be confusing 
Tymps LOVED my verses and thought everything else was ok.  Thank you so much
Bloomers ... idk if he liked my song but at least he liked the romantic details. Thank you Bloomers
SO for the most rushed song I have ever written at 3am to 5am I'm okay with this. I was so close to quitting but then I came up with sth so yeah .. all good so far
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