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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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I'm not ready
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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To y'all
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Blooming Up RecordsLiar (GotSkill): Let me start by addressing the genre, since I’m sure you’ll balk at these comments. As a country fan myself, I didn’t feel like this really fit the genre that well. It had pieces of it; the storytelling aspect was there, but without the specific details I expect from a country song. The whole plot twist and criminal reminded me of 90s Reba McEntire, but in those types of songs, the singer is somehow implicated in the end or is an outside observer (Martina’s “Independence Day,” for example) and not the actual criminal. But I’m not here to judge generic conventions, but the actual song. As for that, though decent, this was one of your weaker entries for me. Some of the rhyming/phrasing felt forced (to feign your own attack, torn by jealousy) and the chorus was the weakest part of the song, especially the last line, which I don’t like for it’s easy rhyme and the confusing sentiment; I thought everyone believes this girl and the singer is stuck in jail, yet “the world’s done with [her] lies”? This doesn’t make sense. I like the “locked” line.
Matty Records
Forever In A Moment (Sam) : Umm, this would be perfect for MonarC  I love just about everything here except the end of the first verse—“messing with my brain” is one of my least favorite expressions and with all the creative language throughout the song, this line is jarringly basic. I screamed at the end of the bridge.
I’m Gay (JustLuke) : I’m not sure if you understood the assignment because this is not a relatable lead single. The subject matter excludes the majority of the population. The rhymes throughout the entire song were very easy—the rumour/tumour line was especially distressing to me. There are also too many clunky lines (My heart’s ringing no alarm) and things that don’t make sense: you never meant to tell her lies, but the straight you saw was a disguise? Well that’s lying.
Mushy Gushy (8thPrince) : This will not be a hit with that title  I like the first verse (although the images get a bit jumbled at first—there’s too much happening) but the chorus… I don’t understand. I think you’ve been a sort of underdog in the competition so far but this entry is a bit bizarre. I like it structurally, but I just can’t get past the lyrics in the chorus. I like the end of the second verse, but not how the rhyme scheme is abandoned out of nowhere (dreams/starry).
To You (Hugamari) : This was a bit cheesy and had a few too many cliches for my liking. It all felt a big vague, and I think these kind of songs work better with specific references. Without the specifics and with so much familiar language, there’s little for me to hold on to here. On the bright side, I didn’t think anything was really awkward/bad.
Truth Records
All Night (dwuw) : “Put your hands, touch my hair”? Just replace “touch” with “through” and you’d be good. I kind of dislike the verb “going” before "out of control.” I like the chorus shows nice control of the sexual tone so it isn’t overdone. The pre-chorus kills the vibe a bit: “take off your shoes” is kind of unsexy to me. Now, for the elephant in the room: it was kind of distracting having the lines in quotes. Is this a duet? How will the listener know there’s another speaker? The ‘voice’ isn’t different enough to warrant the quotes. I dislike “bang the gun.”
Atari (DripDrip) : I like the chorus, esp. the simplicity with which it starts. I feel like “fool” should be banned from songwriting because it’s almost always part of a familiar rhyme (with “cool” or “tool” or “rule”). The rhyme scheme/structure feels a bit messy: the first verse has a ABBACC rhyme scheme and the second has a ABABCDDA—feels completely random. The sustained gaming metaphor mostly works, but the references feel shoehorned in the bridge.
Ribcage (lovesong) : The “screaming” line in the first verse is jarring—doesn’t sound like love, sounds like torture. Love the simplicity in the chorus and throughout the song really—the short lines and imagery really work together to make this cohesive slow jam feel brief but impactful.
Take A Bow (Buyonce1814) : Umm were you inspired by Infinity?  (And maybe Standing O too? — OMG! I made this comment before getting to the line that mentions a 'standing o’  ) I felt like too much of this song had pedestrian lyrics. I’m OK with a few references that feel informal or conversational, but when most of the song sounds that way, it seems like it was written quickly and not a lot of care went into it.
The Next Time (Jezang Looz) : As the latest example in a growing trend I’ve now seen across several entries, I think the chorus is the weakest part of this entry: the language is so straightforward and ordinary and I don’t like how the last line but starts and ends with “why.” This critique basically applies to the whole song though; the second verse especially sounds like someone talking on their phone to a friend and lacks the poeticism and structure that would make it clear these are song lyrics.
F*ckboys (Eros) : I love the Accord line, but for a rap, the rhythm was a bit too messy and I thought the chorus wasn’t very strong. In comparison to the other rap songs we’ve had in the competition, this one didn’t have the clever wordplay and unique rhymes I expect at this stage in the game. (And I think I know what a “f*ck boy” is now that I’ve read the song, but is this a real thing?)
On Loving For The First Time (swiftie13) : This song had a kind of ethereal quality that was pleasantish while reading, but that ultimately makes the song get kinda lost amid the submissions this week. I felt like the rhythm was off some of the time and it was kind of hard to imagine a melody for this. Some of the lines weren’t clear to me: how does ‘YOUR body’ shine ‘on MY own’? The ending is sweet.Tymphonic Records
Devil’s Grin (BlueM) : I’ll admit off the bat that the premise of the song mostly confused me. I didn’t follow what the devil’s grin metaphor was supposed to be doing in the song or how it was developing (that is, if it was) in its repetitions. Beside from that, I thought the song was kind of middle of the pack for me; there were some strong lines (I like the start of the 2nd verse) and some lines I thought were either awkward (“my tied mind”) or tonally dissonant with the rest of the song (“just pretty hard to take that”).
Freak (ClarksonSlays) : This was an interesting concept, but I had to admit that I wouldn’t fully get what you were trying to do if you didn’t talk about it in the thread—there isn’t enough in the song tying the surface metaphor with the deeper meaning you’ve been talking about (rapists, murderers, whatever). A single reference to the law at the very end isn’t enough. As far as the actual content goes, I thought it was good much of the time, though there are some weak parts that stick out: the second half of verse 2 is the weakest for me, as both the “cobra’s venom” and “reverse the chase” lines are awkward. I like the second half of the chorus (esp. the nightlight reference), though the “grief” rhyme in the first half feels forced.
Reptile (inuborg) : Reading this and Freak back to back was an odd experience  Whereas I complain that freak doesn’t make the metaphor clear enough, this song does (though it’s actually a simile cause you use ‘like’ but y’all should get my point). There were a lot of references to the reptilian nature strewn throughout that I liked (cold-blooded in the post-c was my fave). I like what you were trying with the spite/spit line but it didn’t feel natural. I assume the chorus should start with “biding my time”? My biggest issue were individual lines/words: “don’t dare flee” doesn’t fit rhythmically with “makes me guilty”; “They say when it storms….” line doesn’t work AND doesn’t rhyme with “angst,” disrupting the rhyme scheme; the bridge felt too long.
Unravel (conatus) : Unravel is the title of one of my all-time fave songs :’( Unlike other choruses that I’ve complained about this round, yours was short/simple BUT effective. I love the P-C. I liked your earlier songs, then haven’t rated you too highly in the last couple rounds, but with this song, you’re back (for me).
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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This server, every time. 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Done with my reviews
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Let's go
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
Waiting
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k
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Ugh you BITCH
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
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Unravel (conatus) : Unravel is the title of one of my all-time fave songs :’( Unlike other choruses that I’ve complained about this round, yours was short/simple BUT effective. I love the P-C. I liked your earlier songs, then haven’t rated you too highly in the last couple rounds, but with this song, you’re back (for me).
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Fefe, I take it back, I love you.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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I knew fefe wouldn't understand the humour 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
k
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Nnnnn sis
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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"(And maybe Standing O too? — OMG! I made this comment before getting to the line that mentions a 'standing o’ ) "
. The "references" were not intentional.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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I don't wanna read it
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Are the MonarC girls getting Fefe's reviews with a "hired" at the end?
Omg I'm not ready, I need to pee
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
k
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Drag me
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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I kind of changed my mind about making the song about rape. I kind of left it more ambiguous purposefully, as to whether it could be a criminal or if the freak is adopting the perception that they've been given by others. Totally agree with everything else you said FeFe.
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