Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Part 2
Mother And Father - I liked it overall. I always get a good sense of rhythm from your entries and am able to follow where you are going with them. This entry in particular feels polished like your other songs have been, but there are a couple lines here that stick out to me. Your language and structure is usually more refined so a line like the line that ends in "hurt" in your third verse feels informal and the switch from third person description of the father in verse one to the second person "you" also feels out of place. Solid overall though.
Music For The Deaf - Pretty great entry overall. Great word choice here, you may use some larger words, but they all add some meaning without feeling ostentatious. I also like how you mixed more straight-forward feelings with more abstract metaphors like in your chorus. There are a couple lines or two that feel out of place, like the "cold nights" line in verse two, the "statistics" line in the bridge, the "floating upwards in blue" line in the bridge. You may also, have called too much attention to the word chaos in your song when the theme came across just fine. Overall a strong song with good story-telling
My Paradise - I liked the structure of your song and it was really easy to follow. If I have a criticism for you, it's that the topic is pretty well-covered in music and you keep your song pretty straight forward. I think your interesting choice of words keep things fresh though.
One - I kind of like the echoed words with the ellipsis, it was a neat creative decision that reflects emptiness. The song itself is also sparsely worded which is nice. I do think that the chorus is slightly weak in comparison to the rest of the song, it just feels less powerful when compared to your more reflective verses. Also, since the song is focused on isolation, you may want to limit the repetition of the chorus, especially at the end of the song to maintain that sparse feeling.
Overflow - I immediately loved your first two words. I cackled too at the 6 Foot 7 Foot reference and the decimal line. There was maybe a reference or two that didn't quite come together for me like the List-o-breath one, but this entry was the most fun of the round and it fit your theme perfectly.
Perfect Storm - I like the powerful word choice that you used throughout and your story telling. The pacing in the verse could be tightened up in a couple places but I liked your story-telling.
Red River - It's ok to take on a more serious topic like you did, just make sure you maintain a serious tone since the word play on "blow" and the rhymes in verses one and two betray the tone and make the song sound sillier than it is (see the rhymes in verse two, especially the blimp rhyme). The images are sad throughout, but some of the phrasings and lines don't really work out too well and fall out of place with the gravity of the rest of the song (the ID line feels inconsequential, "I guess she ain't got the time" seems to light with the line that came before. The story you tell is important, but equally so is how you tell it.
Sanity - Ok ok, I get what you were going for here. The narrator is at the end of his or her rope and is saying how he or she got to that point. I do think that it was an interesting idea but slightly unfocused overall. The chorus is in the present tense (which is ok), but then the verses are in the past, while the bridge is in the future tense and that makes it difficult to get a sense of what's happening. There are a couple lines that don't quite make sense, like the bridge line about making it out alive and then the line after that about failing and getting back up again. The flow is also choppy in the pre-chourus. I do think, you have some interesting ideas, but some more editing could benefit you.
Through The Night - Thanks for evening out the vocab for those of us with a sixth grade education! Your choice in words felt a lot more natural here; you have imagery that is more powerful, so it makes sense to use the more powerful, intense diction. I liked your song a lot, but I'm not sure if I'm felt the counting in the chorus in all honesty, it seemed a little too measured and calculating, which was distracting in what is otherwise a passionate and spontaneous seeming song but that's realtively minor.
Tug Of War - Alright, I like a lot of your sentiment here and I don't normally like rhetorical questions in songs, but I think it works for a song about insecurity. But a lot of it feels a little disjointed to me. You start so many interesting ideas, but don't really develop them and move to something else. I'm on board with your tug of war metaphor, but you don't really go anywhere with it and bring up several other comparisons along the way. Nothing quite here is a deal breaker for me (although that line about being limbless, when you reference running and a game of tug of war in the title is close). Self-editing is hard (see my long-winded comments) but make sure everything you're saying flows cohesively and has a purpose and don't be afraid to save a good line or two for the next song. You can write a knock-out song.
Wrecked Inside - I like the central message of feeling confined and wanting to move on from a relationship. I do think that the chain metaphor was evident without explicitly stating the metaphor. The song was also written more as a monologue which can be a little hard to relate to and get invested in, especially if the narration is mostly centered on how the character feels.
Zig Zag - This was a cool approach to the theme. I liked the jerky back and forth between the verses in theory. I do think though that you might want to have a more consistent rhyme scheme to unify your zigs and zags though. It was a fun entry.
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