Hugamari's Comments
Batch 3, Part 2
(I may have more typos than usual, @ me with your lashings if you find 'em)
minho - Half Moon
I know the style you're going for is simple and not convoluted, and mostly you did that. One problem I have, however, was the repetition in the chorus. I know pop songs do that all the time, but I don't think it translates well into text. Now, with that, even with the relative simplicity of the lyrics, there were some parts I liked. "It feels like the path ahead/could fall off the edge of the road" put a very clear picture in my head in a way that isn't so on-the-nose about what you were going for. The whole entire start of the second verse was a real highlight as well. Like last round, I can very easily see vivid images of everything, and that's what imagery is supposed to do. That's lost on some people, I think.
I saw you at the grocery stop
picking up the usual
she's a carbon copy
of everything you lost
of everything I'm not
I guess you forgot...
how to pick 'em
I'm excited round 3 tho. Round 1 I didn't even write a song slightly so round 2 was me picking up the basics of writing a song. This round I'm gonna polish my songwriting
