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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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When you got a paper and an exam to study for
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Few, B2 done, formatting now
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Few, B2 done, formatting now
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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)
Batch Two
Quote:
1. XL - Tongue of Lies
The meter and structuring were generally good are at the very least improved, but this didn’t provide as much “Dark” as the other three Dark songs I’ve read thus far, and the song felt crammed with all of the unnecessary adjectives for virtually every noun (“ignorant hands”, “innocent heart”, and “vile imagination”). The subject matter was also not elaborated on enough.
- “Used to be a man with innocent heart “ “innocent heart” needs an article
- “My shadow will fade through darkest of night / And carries my feelings of desolation” “darkest of night” needs the article “the”, and the second line changes tenses from the first, it needs to stay in the Conditional (IE “will carry”)
- The second verse seems to drop the rhythm/meter in the last couplet, which was jarring
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2. Conatus - Song for Lí Ban
This wasn’t anywhere near your best, I know you were strapped this weak so I’ll try to keep this mercifully brief: this song didn’t have any direction. It was one of those entries that just repeat questions over and over again and provided no answers, except you didn’t even provide anything beyond there being some woman in the water doing ****. It was really bland.
- “Surface/Surface” was actually done somewhat well, but “World/World” popped out as a glaring error.
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3. mxtthewdelrey - Your Song
I’m torn between liking this for its absurdity and hating it for some of the most forced rhymes I’ve ever read. It was like the Jeremimi of lyricism: it was so awful that I somewhat enjoyed it? The concept was a bit shallow, especially for a Poison entry when each judge has probably read 46 songs about poison and the exact line “Poison flowing through your veins” but the absurdity kind of elevated it.
- “lot/hot” was a really really forced rhyme
- “Everyone is dead / My coyote’s red / His name was Barry / But now he is dead!!!” I just… 
- Verse three was probably the least egregious sans the final line
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4. funnellegs - Oceans Apart
This entry was surprisingly… vapid. The entire song felt like a big cliché, with references to “oceans apart”, exaggerating time “a million years” when “it’s been six months”, wishing on stars etc. There was just nothing to elevate this piece to a higher level.
- I think the “Feels like a million years now, / it's been six months, needing your touch” while cliché could’ve made a nice repeated bridge. That would make this feel more songlike; the structuring (especially without the labelling) also didn’t help this entry.
- The rhyme scheme in the chorus - ABAC with the “A”s both being “babe” - made this feel amateur.
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5. MattyTacos - Pleasure to Burn
Taylor will c u in court for this title, fat. This entry was fine, pretty inoffensive for the most part. I liked the idea of “burning with” someone and how you handled it. The paradoxes you used didn’t really make sense, even in a poetic way, and just left me more confused than bewildered.
- “How you overlooked truth in your honesty” um
- “There was one too many false alarms” I think “was” should be “were”?
- The pre-chorus was a bit weak for a repeated section
- Verse 2 was nice, simple and effective
- 1st line of the bridge was a miss, 2nd was better.
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6. Abyssy - Queen of Ice
When I read you’re title I was so confused because I thought I already read it, but then I remembered Corsola’s entry was what I was thinking of  Anyways, this was a bit brief, and you should really label your song’s structure so we have an idea of what’s happening. You did well with the imagery, but I think the plot line itself was a bit weak, and the imagery couldn’t remedy that.
- “No help from God from up above” second “from” isn’t needed
- “Acceptance thawed the frozen heart.” this was sadly a bit corny 
- “Saw her reflection in the water, / Staring back, nobody's daughter” this was cute
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7. swiftie13 - Until
My biggest issue with this, surprisingly, was the meter. There were a lot of other entries with worse lyrics that had MUCH better flow, like, literally every other song in this batch. If it wasn’t for that, this would’ve made for an easy 8+, possibly 9.
- Flow in the first stanza of the first verse was not there. Second stanza was better.
- “And now, spring hibernates under the frozen water” wig
- “The stars disappear but the night doesn’t change / And the sun rises but my mind doesn't feel the rays” this does not flow either, and it hurts me.
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8. Aurora - Pop
That single cover though! This was a pretty solid entry, but there were a number of glaring issues that held this back from being a knockout.
- “Form a menacing wood” oh 
- The verses don’t flow very well with ABCDABCD, the rhyme is so far away that it loses the punch.
- NOT “form a menacing wood” AGAIN, SIS 
- “Thrown back like a flask” forced af
- The outro as a whole was a bit clumsy
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9. Gladion - Stuck In the Mud
I think you did well with the challenge and the most basic elements, but the rhyming was mostly elementary, and the plot was a biT basic. Still, you had some nice images.
- “Route less traveled but you climbed to the top” it’s the “road” less travelled; I know you used “road’ in the prior line so you were a bit trapped, but either way this wasn’t effective
- The 2nd verse felt redundant in the story with the first verse and chorus
- “feet/leave” felt forced; it wouldn’t have been had the first line flowed a bit better most likely.
- “out/route” was also forced
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10. TheCheetahWings - Something Real to Miss
This entry was probably the first one that fell short on the challenge, I totally forgot this was supposed to be a Flying song until I got to the second stanza of the second verse. In general, I think this served “Butterfly Lies” - my thankfully forgotten #7 hit - in that the emotion far exceeded the delivery, which was really simple and cliché.
- “You’re the only thing that I do know, / Will never be the one to say goodbye” this was messy with the significant other being the other “THING” that will never say goodbye; the “do” was also unnecessary. This just didn’t work.
- “Three months later under Christmas lights / You promised you’d stay here this time” “this” is present tense and this section is in the past perfect; these kind of tense mistakes really kill me.
- The chorus didn’t really offend me, but for others it could definitely come across as banal.
- The Pre-Chorus is an example of the simple/cliché stuff that came off ineffectively.
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11. ughgabriel - Artificial Paradise
This was an ALMOST great song, and could’ve served insane talent had there not been some awkward mistakes.
- I THINK there was a slight tense shift in the second stanza of the first verse with the third line.
- “hell/fell” was forced, as was “bloomed/doomed”
- The flow/organization of the chorus was a bit weird (“For you I made / An artificial paradise”)
- “When my rose has turned into grass” I don’t think “has” was needed here
- The Pre-Chorus was a slay, especially when considering that people on life support “rot” like a vegetable; it was a nice undertone
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12. Moonchild - Fire Dancer
I like “Inferno in the Dark” better as a title tbh! This was solid, but I REALLY want to see a different song structure from you. I know this was an issue last season, and I don’t want it to repeat. You’ve mastered this style and format; awesome. But if you really wasn’t to move to the next level you need to improve your versatility and comfort with other styles. The easiest next step is to try writing triplet stanzas or use an ~avant-garde~ song structuring. Here, the rhyme scheme, flow, style and concept all felt so familiar to you, and that really became apparent in places like “And took me by the belt” which seems to be a favorite image of yours! I don’t want to get bored of this/you, and I’m telling you this because this is an issue that other members of the panel have discussed as well! I don’t need to get into the flaws of this style, since by now, like I mentioned, you’ve essentially mastered it.
- The bridge was definitely the weakest part, especially the final couplet. You should’ve used “the” world instead of “a” tbh.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Few, B2 done, formatting now
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My GOD I hate the auto-corrector on my Mac, I swear to god
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
5. MattyTacos - Pleasure to Burn
Taylor will c u in court for this title, fat. This entry was fine, pretty inoffensive for the most part. I liked the idea of “burning with” someone and how you handled it. The paradoxes you used didn’t really make sense, even in a poetic way, and just left me more confused than bewildered.
- “How you overlooked truth in your honesty” um
- “There was one too many false alarms” I think “was” should be “were”?
- The pre-chorus was a bit weak for a repeated section
- Verse 2 was nice, simple and effective
- 1st line of the bridge was a miss, 2nd was better.
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Mess, I'm glad that you didn't hate my song. I suppose. 
Dylobs is gonna drag me for this now, so thanks The line meant how my lover promised to be honest but still refrained from telling the truth during the relationship. I guess I could've worded it better 
Trust me, I thought the same thing. It's was.
Mess, I don't even remember the first line of the bridge, poor it.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
Mess, I'm glad that you didn't hate my song. I suppose.
Dylobs is gonna drag me for this now, so thanks The line meant how my lover promised to be honest but still refrained from telling the truth during the relationship. I guess I could've worded it better
Trust me, I thought the same thing. It's was.
Mess, I don't even remember the first line of the bridge, poor it. |
fff that's so weird. Serving "I could care less" teas
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Reminder of the previous batch
[Shiny + Legendary]
Jackson - Darkrai #491
ceremonials - Yveltal #717
[Legendary]
[Shiny Third Stage]
Corsola - Mamoswine #473
[Third Stage]
Kunst - Feraligatr #160
jpow - Luxray #405
[Shiny Second Stage]
RihsusChrist(ATG) - Floatzel #419
OreGuy - Krokorok #552
[Second Stage]
Beatinglikeadrum - Magmar #126
Glassmouth - Monferno #391
[Shiny First Stage]
[First Stage]
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Ugh, let me start Batch Three
Edit: fff there's 12 in this one too, let me kill myself real quick
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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I have a feeling Yveltal may be the highest score since he is a box legendary. Maybe a 9.5 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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i woulda been B2 if i hadn't resubmitted with a formatting change n
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Ugh, let me start Batch Three
Edit: fff there's 12 in this one too, let me kill myself real quick
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I split them evenly this week so we didn't have a batch of like 20 songs again 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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Talonflame, Bravairy, Shaymin-S  stan for the kings of Air
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
I split them evenly this week so we didn't have a batch of like 20 songs again |
U rite, still doing this to myself anyways, nn
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Did nobody find "form a menacing wood" as funny as I did? He's talking about a forest
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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ok only one shiny legendary so maybe my wig is safe
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Did nobody find "form a menacing wood" as funny as I did? He's talking about a forest |
That's what I call Jackson's D when we role play
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