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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch 1
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1. Vision - Dead End Dreamer
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
I think you took a big risk by choosing such a brilliant song, but I thought you did a great job with this. You really captured Chapman's style; the chorus was absolutely perfect. "You're still looking for escape/ At the bottom of every bottle you find"  My main problems were with the verses, specifically the first verse. I really didn't like the use of "then," in "Fast Car," Chapman didn't use it a single time, and it makes that song flow wonderfully. When you used "then," it felt really disruptive and a forced attempt to create flow. I know it sounds super nitpicky, but it really bothered me. You had some (dangerous) perfect rhymes as well, but for the most part, you used them nicely and it worked with the style you were emulating. Loved this.
2. Hugamari - Daybreak
Ariana Grande - Moonlight (Intro)
I'm sorry, but HOW did you think you could use "lest" and get away with it?  Has that word even appeared in the English language post-Queen Victoria? Bad Huga. I think you did a decent job building off of Areola's song, but your style didn't mimic that of the intro. It was very Huga, and the "lest" really didn't help with that. I didn't get the "How I miss when we danced / To the sound of our love" since my immediate thought about the sound of our love is that you're talking about the sound of fornication and you can't really dance to the sound of your own ****ing unless you're blaring it over some speakers. Maybe you were just talking about moaning? I don't know, that couplet just felt terribly forced and impractical. You didn't really extend off of the story either; I get that Areola lost ha man, but you never explain why or how you just repeat that idea without expanding on it. The repetition of "Moonlight" got a bit old after a while as well. This wasn't bad, it just felt weak after what you've been delivering lately.
3. UFO - Used to be Friends
Christina Aguilera - I Turn To You
UFO, what happened? Your last two entries were so memorable for your ability to conceptualize, but this was all over the place. The rhymes in the first verse were egregious: "Sea/idiocy" was so so bad, and "rain/faith" was bland and forced. For "You would stay, that you wouldn't leave me to find a way" was the "stay" supposed to be "say"? Either way I read it, I don't get it. "Petals fall and wither underneath the waterfalls" has no practical meaning, making the imagery 100% nonsensical (the imagery in this piece, in general, was disconnected and wasn't grounded in a central theme). The pre-chorus was too straightforward and non-lyrical (you're writing a song, so use the format to your advantage, there's no reason for using lyrics that would fit perfectly in a text), and the use of "mind" twice in the bridge back to back was really irritating (you essentially said the same thing twice with no reason to do so). This song choice just did not work for you; I want to you to keep developing your concepts and voice like what you were doing last week.
4. Musickid203 - Potential Makeup Song
Aly & AJ - Potential Breakup Song
You picked a song that had pretty bland but fiery lyrics, but this entry failed to capture any mood, whether it be the teenage angst of PBUS, or the fire of it in general. I get that your sequel wasn't necessarily intended to be fiery, but it lacks any hard hitting emotion, and it most definitely lacks original ideas, images, or lyrics. For example, the 2nd stanza of the chorus, and the verses pretty much in their entirety were cliche. The rhyming was simple and predictable, the imagery was simple and wasn't used effectively, and the concept, in general, was a bit tired. Your flow and structure was good (better than last week), but at this point in the game, that's to be expected. I enjoyed Tenfold, so I know you're capable of good work, but this just did not reflect that.
5. Buyonce1814 - Languishing (The Epilogue)
Mariah Carey - Languishing
I think you nailed Mariah's style here, with minor exceptions. I know that Mariah serves PhD realness with her vocab, but "begets" felt a bit out of place, and the first pre-chorus felt slightly out of place as well (the "pyramid" image and "embalmed"). The chorus felt a bit disjointed, the lines didn't flow together well, though it did flow better than your entry last week, and it somewhat fit with the Imperial Songbird's style. My biggest complaint is that you expanded on the song by itself; this didn't feel like a sequel. Still, the lyrics alone were pretty nice, not really overly brilliant, but nothing was below "good" either. Keep this up.
6. Nait Phoenix - Blue Song
Friendly Fires - Blue Cassette
I'm a bit conflicted about how you executed the challenge; I thought that this was a nice Part II, but at the same time, this didn't feel very different from the first song. The first song was about revisiting the past, and this song was essentially about revisiting the previous revisiting. It didn't add another dimension to the first song, and in that regard, this didn't feel needed. At the same time, however, I thought you executed your concept very well. This is my favorite song from you thus far, the pre-choruses were quite nice, the use of contrasting colors was an excellent choice (though the third pre-chorus felt a bit unnecessary). The chorus was simple but effective and echoed that of the Friendly Fires' song. I think this could've used a bit more lyrical substance - like, more words and less repetition - but still, this was nice.
7. Citrus - Here in the USA
Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA
Nailed the challenge. The second verse, in particular, was the highlight, but at points, I think you sacrificed great lyricism to fit Springsteen's style. For example, the chorus is lyrically (as I'm sure you know) not excellent, but I get that you were mimicking the original song. The first stanza of the bridge in particular also emphasizes this, with "sneer/souvenir" being very forced. I think that in the first verse you could've used a "but" after "friends are gone" but that's the most minor thing ever as well. Continue making these big broad statements, but also make sure that every lyric in your song works towards that (I felt like the bridge didn't add much to the song). You're on a roll.
8. jpow - Wolf Lady
Goldfrapp - Train
You chose a song that doesn't have a lot of lyrical substance, so that makes judging this difficult. I think that you didn't make a sequel as much as a "Train (Extended Version)": your message wasn't really any different from "Train" and there wasn't any expansion upon the original ideas. I think you did the style justice, and I really enjoyed the bridge, but I think you misinterpreted the challenge by failing to add a second dimension to the song you chose.
9. mxtthewdelrey - Pu$$y McFlurry
Cupcakke - Juicy Coochie
Wow. This was daring. I'm glad that you had "******* in the ice cream / Make a ***** McFlurry" in the chorus since that was the best couplet. I laughed at points, but some of the lyrics went right over my head, mainly the third verse and the "bible/tribal" rhyme. You had the sequel-ness down with the 19/9 reference, but "Juicy Coochie" doesn't really tell a story or have the potential to truly be developed off of, so this was a rocky choice for the challenge.
10. TheCheetahWings - Call Me Back
Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
I definitely think you got the challenge down, but this song choice didn't work for you. You tried to fit into Carly's style, but you missed the crazy amounts of nuance and twist that she puts in her lyrics, for example, "Before you came into my life I missed you so bad" and "I threw a wish in the well." There weren't any weird, unusual quirks in your style here, it was all straightforward lyricism with simple rhymes, overused lines that didn't work together as a whole or provide anything above their face value. I know what you're capable of, and I know that you took a risk with this, but unfortuantely, it didn't pay off.
11. Vulnicura - Wear the Crown
Lorde - Royals
I think you did an excellent job with Lorde's style here, and I think you nailed the challenge as well. I only had minor quarrels with this: "Something in the dark, and it’s hidden beneath" was a useless line, as was "The one’s you had for your new ringtone" though that lyric was far more forced. "I say it loud, i say it proud / I sing it now to edge of town" was a bit dorky and bland, but at the same time I think you used it effectively in the chorus. This was short and sweet, but it also sounds like an actual Platinum Hit. Nice job!
12. Jaxswim - Imprisoned
Lana Del Rey - Florida Kilos
THIS is how you do the challenge! This is an actual poster child for what I was looking for: actually developing off the first song and creating a Part II, not just an extended version of the first song. This was its own body of work, but it worked in tangent with the first song as well. Bless. I think you did a decent job with Lana's style, but that doesn't excuse you for the first four lines of the first verse and "It’s sweet like dessert." I think you could've had a little more clacissim with this like "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree" and I don't think that you should continue writing in this style for the competition but for this round, it worked.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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I don't know how I misinterpreted the challenge? 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
I already have, but all that did was lower my scores
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yikes, this also explains why i'm flopping this season
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
10. TheCheetahWings - Call Me Back
Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
I definitely think you got the challenge down, but this song choice didn't work for you. You tried to fit into Carly's style, but you missed the crazy amounts of nuance and twist that she puts in her lyrics, for example, "Before you came into my life I missed you so bad" and "I threw a wish in the well." There weren't any weird, unusual quirks in your style here, it was all straightforward lyricism with simple rhymes, overused lines that didn't work together as a whole or provide anything above their face value. I know what you're capable of, and I know that you took a risk with this, but unfortuantely, it didn't pay off.
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At least I got the challenge right  But yeah this week was particularly difficult for me so I'm not surprised it didn't really pay off 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
I don't know how I misinterpreted the challenge? |
I don't think you wrote a sequel as much as an extended version of Train. In a sequel, there's supposed to some development in the topic or story, but in your song it was pretty much the exact same thing as the first Goldfrapp song.
Goldfrapp engages in the LA lifestyle in Train even though she knows she/they probably shouldn't, and your song has them doing the exact same thing without any change in story? We needed a Part II, not another page of Part I if that makes sense.
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vulnicura
All the glitz and glamour, and all of the fame
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People are gonna remember your name
Now and forever, your dreams coming true
They're gonna love it, whatever you do
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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jax 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Nervous about the other judges' thoughts now hopefully I don't get out this week
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vulnicura
I'm like, 21/25 I think. Just send nudes to the judges and you should be safe, like me
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So sad to see you eliminated this round!
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Temporal
9. mxtthewdelrey - Pu$$y McFlurry
Cupcakke - Juicy Coochie
Wow. This was daring. I'm glad that you had "******* in the ice cream / Make a ***** McFlurry" in the chorus since that was the best couplet. I laughed at points, but some of the lyrics went right over my head, mainly the third verse and the "bible/tribal" rhyme. You had the sequel-ness down with the 19/9 reference, but "Juicy Coochie" doesn't really tell a story or have the potential to truly be developed off of, so this was a rocky choice for the challenge.
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oh my god, a positive-ish review! thank you so much
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Oh yay I got some good feedback
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Well I knew this wouldn't be my challenge  oh well, the rise and fall I suppose.
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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I'm sorry, but HOW did you think you could use "lest" and get away with it? Has that word even appeared in the English language post-Queen Victoria?
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fff
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I wanna read so many of those songs now from the reviews. Especially Pu$$y McFlurry
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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"Potential Makeup Song"
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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"Potential Make-Up Song." Genius idea.
Screaming at hug's review. 
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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"Lest we forget" is a popular phrase in England, out of defence for whoever used that lol
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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This is super off topic but I wanted to write a song called Silica, and the concept was that someone ate silica gel on purpose, but I just found out it's actually effectively harmless except that it makes your mouth totally dried out! There goes that concept!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Jax is the dark horse of this season.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I'm gonna do a rap song next time, even if the challenge doesn't have any practical way of applying a rap to it.
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