[feelslikeadream]

Sorry, formatting took so long!!

[Moonchild]

This wait. I feel personally victimized by Fefe George.

[swiftie13]

I feel like making an instrumental. Anyone got a melody/chord progression/genre in mind for any particular song?

[feelslikeadream]

Fefe's Comments

Batch 2

Jaxswim - Touch

Although it’s somewhat basic, I liked the message of this song. I wish someone felt this way about me since I’m always the one whose heart keeps ****ing it up :’( The perfect rhyming in the first verse gives it a certain calculated/artificial vibe. Some of the lines were clunky (‘once again it’s begun’; ’this I can’t allow’). There’s not much variation across the song; I get the same emotions/narrative in each section. There’s some unique imagery in the M8, but that’s about it in terms of development over the course of the song. You seem to have a talent for structure/rhythm, but you need to pair that with innovate lyrics to really excel in this game. (Oh, and there’s some confusion here, but I wouldn’t say it’s the dominant emotion on display.)

Tymps. - Lovesick

I like the sexual imagery of “he’d draw his sword,” but some other imagery was awkward. I don’t like the agency ascribed to the building’s bricks and the puking image is jarring and doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the song. The rhythm is a biT staccato; you literally write in almost perfect iambic meter, which I’m not sure is a good match for the content of the song. I don’t see much guilt here except for the first two lines of the chorus, but then again, I’m not exactly sure what’s happening: someone wants a bf, they get one, he sucks, they feel guilty/unwise for wanting one? There’s one line about abuse, but it feels like you’re working with vague language and need to be clearer and more original in your language. I did like the “bones are yours to pick” line though!

Achilles. - Running Free

I forgot who it was last season who didn’t label the parts of their songs (Connor?) but it annoyed me then and still does Anyway, you did a really good job conveying freedom and you have nice imagery for the most part (who doesn’t love the image of lovers running away?), but I wish more of the language was more inventive. There’s a lot of cliches here (leave this all behind; make it out alive; run as fast as we can; war rages on) and the rest was rather familiar. This is alleviated a bit in the bridge, but the grammar issue in the last line is jarring and not a good note to end on. I did like the ‘turn’ at the end though; it’s a nice way to elevate the song and make it different from the typical ‘lovers run away’ songs. (Oh, just saw your note. Yeah, that didn’t come through at all.)

ceremonials - False Prophet

OK Evanescence. The pre-chorus and chorus are pretty good. There was some awkward language in the verses (“in her way”; the poetic reasons line) and the second verse seems a bit TOO narrative; it shouldering most of the story, which could be distributed more evenly throughout the song. I’m not 100% sure what’s going on here and why the person is both being dragged to hell (have you seen DMTH? Love that movie!) and put just 6 feet under; that’s kind of contrasting imagery sis But I like the structure and there’s some betrayal here, though there are so many dominant emotions that I’m not sure “betrayal” sticks out as the key emotion.

MattyTacos - Cry Wolf

Some of the imagery feels like a bit too much; do we need both blueberries and raspberries before we hit the chorus? Is this a farmer’s market sis? And wine is def NOT the consistency or color of blood, so it seems like you could be a bit more exact in your metaphoric language if you’re gonna use so much of it. This is def the case for me where it was clear that imagery was being shoehorned in for the sake of imagery instead of for substance. I did like the chorus though; as cliche as ‘in my arms’ language might be, I kind of love it. It reminded me a bit of One Last Time (actually, now that I think of it, this is essentially a OLT rewrite) but I still thought the end of the chorus was so bittersweet :’( The end of the bridge was excellent and you had great rhythm throughout. wtf r cherry-colored nights though? have you ever seen a cherry?

8thPrince - Won’t Hurt You

I love the central motif here of getting rid of the memories (though I think it could be made more explicit). The chorus feels somewhat underwhelming, especially following a particularly long prechorus. I do like the “act like you don’t know me” line though, since it sort of revives the cliche “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” language; that was a nice, effective setup. This song made me feel pretty sad, which I guess shows that you’ve done something well, but it also felt a bit scattered to me. I think the constant changing up of sections left me feeling a little unmoored (though that had a nice mimetic quality to it). There can be power in simplicity.

Kworb - Reshape

I might be alright with the overwritten first verse if that was sustained in the song, but when the rest of the song employs much different diction, it makes some of those 50 cent words feel artificial. I definitely prefer the second verse and chorus (esp. with the nature imagery in V2), which sound more natural and which help convey your emotion more clearly. You have great rhythm throughout (though “in the pools where it began” sounds better). You definitely showcased your emotion here, and you did it in such a creative way that I really appreciate.

Jack! - Night Night

You certainly had an interesting structure here, adding a section to each chorus like that. This really dark/sinister image does good work expressing your emotion. But there were a few big problems with this song: the rhyme scheme is inconsistent between verses, the rhythm is off at points (last line of the chorus is too long), and some of the lines are just no (“the walls are gloom”). I was also REALLY confused by the stranger and demon; their sections are full of conflicting language, so I don’t get their purpose.

ClarksonSlays - Pain Remains

As a local who lived through this experience firsthand, I found this song really offensive and it came across like you were just appropriating a terrible experience for your own benefit. Just kidding. Anyway, I liked some of the details here (taking the subway; saying I hate u; the green coat), but thought too many of the lyrics felt a bit trite; the storytelling aspect is so blunt and lacks nuance to me. Did you ever hear that advice given to writers, “Show, don’t tell”? Well you basically tell everything: what happened, exactly how the narrator feels, etc. So I think this song could use some subtlety. I love the bridge though, and really love “fell from the sky” at the end :’( You really captured your emotion well, probably the best out of the “guilt” songs.

swiftie13 - The Jungle

I like the intro, but some of the short lines in the verses (like “I’m enchanted”) didn’t, well, enchant me There was some common language one would expect in a song about desire, so in the end I didn’t think the song was particularly unique. The chorus was cool, but the rhythm was off enough to be distracting; “come inside, explore my nature” is just kind of hanging at the end of that section, too long and maybe too gross (I hope that wasn’t meant literally hor!). Some of the imagery was nice though, like the idea of sinking or swimming together and I’ll throw you an extra point for including a Mariah song title in the bridge (even if it is from Charmbracelet ).

Moonchild - Lifeblood

I love the rhythm in the verses. So sexy The pre-chorus is pretty unnecessary tbh; it doesn’t really add anything interesting. The chorus was strong, but “contract in me” is awkward (do you realize this word implies getting smaller? don’t you kind of mean the opposite, like ‘expand’ or something?) and ending on “lifeblood” feels anticlimactic since it’s a standalone line with nothing rhyming with it; the other words that end the lines in the chorus have soft vowel sounds (that work well with the sexual imagery) and then ‘blood’ is just so blunt and lacks the smoothness of the other words. But this is kind of nitpicky because the lyrics were pretty strong through most of the song. Since I don’t think you mind nitpicking, I’ll also note that “intuition” felt inexact. You seem to be referring to primal, physical feelings, and “intuition" is a bit too logic-based to work in that context for me.

Element - Roads

On the one hand, you convey your feeling pretty well here, but on the other hand, you do it mostly through pretty familiar language (fork in the road; pulled in multiple directions; stand out in the crowd, etc.). The less familiar language felt shoehorned; the chorus and the elevated diction doesn’t feel at all like the verses, and that switch is jarring (it doesn’t help that ‘acuity’ isn’t really used correctly here; acuity is a type of thought, so thought can’t have it; “injecting” elucidation is also off). I did really like the bridge though; it’s simple and repetitive, BUT it feels so natural and personal, like the words are being sung from the heart and not the pages of a thesaurus.

[Tymps.]

@fefe noted

Originally posted by swiftie13

I feel like making an instrumental. Anyone got a melody/chord progression/genre in mind for any particular song?

C C D E F F G
G G F E D D C

#inspirational melody

[swiftie13]

“I’m enchanted”

when did I ever use this line?





anyway, thanks for the feedback! I should've sent a recording of myself reading because I swear the rhythm and near rhymes make sense when I read em lol

[swiftie13]

Originally posted by Tymps.

@fefe noted



C C D E F F G
G G F E D D C

#inspirational melody

wait it's a melody lol

lemme see what I can do

edit: screw you <3

[Temporal]

ClarksonSlays - Pain Remains

As a local who lived through this experience firsthand, I found this song really offensive and it came across like you were just appropriating a terrible experience for your own benefit. Just kidding. Anyway, I liked some of the details here (taking the subway; saying I hate u; the green coat), but thought too many of the lyrics felt a bit trite; the storytelling aspect is so blunt and lacks nuance to me. Did you ever hear that advice given to writers, “Show, don’t tell”? Well you basically tell everything: what happened, exactly how the narrator feels, etc. So I think this song could use some subtlety. I love the bridge though, and really love “fell from the sky” at the end :’( You really captured your emotion well, probably the best out of the “guilt” songs.

You scared the **** out of me with that first line

This was definitely one of my more straightforward songs, I didn't rely very much on imagery which is unusual for me. I think subtlety would work for this song too tbh.

Stan for the bridge and outro, my fave parts

YAS at the last part

[Moonchild]

When you ejaculate, your penis contracts and spasms.

[Jaxswim]

Those Dolan twins severely disappointed me, I couldn't make it through 2 minutes

Also Fefe didn't drag me yaas! I think I should have re-written some parts of my song altogether tbh, if somehow Touch ever gets released I'll do that

[swiftie13]

My song was about a person fantasizing of another while Master Baiting

[Jaxswim]

Originally posted by Moonchild

When you ejaculate, your penis contracts and spasms.

well you're not wrong

[Temporal]

Originally posted by swiftie13

My song was about a person fantasizing of another while Master Baiting

You can spell masturbating sis, it's not censored.

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by Jaxswim

Those Dolan twins severely disappointed me, I couldn't make it through 2 minutes

Also Fefe didn't drag me yaas! I think I should have re-written some parts of my song altogether tbh, if somehow Touch ever gets released I'll do that

Their talent lies in being pretty, I know.

[feelslikeadream]

Originally posted by Moonchild

When you ejaculate, your penis contracts and spasms.

Sis It contracts AFTER ***********, but I think most people would pull out before that happens? It takes like 10 mins for me to contract

EDIT: at the censoring though.

[Tymps.]

Not because I'm angry judges didn't "get it" or because I think anyone should've understood it but if anyone's curious here's my song broken down:

I always wished I'd find a prince
Who'd sweep me off my feet
He'd draw his sword, but not to harm
He never would hurt me

The narrator always wished for a gentle love, someone perfect like a prince, very idealistic and romantic

Your hands were strong and mine were weak
You caught me by surprise

The narrator was shocked and overpowered by this man

The building's bricks saw everything
Saw how I was unwise

The main witness was the bricks of the surrounding buildings who saw how she was "unwise" (but not really unwise; the narrator is blaming herself for what's happening to her; "why did I wear such a short dress?" "why did I walk alone?" etc)

So, in the end, I'm really to blame
That must be why I feel so ashamed

Trying to figure out why SHE feels ashamed when she was the victim, she blames herself

I look around, I see through the disguise
I'm watching all of the princes lie

Now her perspective is changed, when she sees these men all she can see is the fakeness and the lies, she can't trust

Your power was so anodyne
You're gentle as a storm
And so I was the only one
Who saw my world transform

Trying to lessen what he did to her, and she was the only one whose life was altered

Come comfort me with injury
My bones are yours to pick

She sees "love" in a different way now, it hurts, this is how she thinks men will treat her now

And leave me puking on the ground
I guess I'm just lovesick

After being raped she's left on the ground, puking, and she tries to lessen what's happened by saying she's "lovesick", sort of in reference to how in the beginning she dreamed of love and then contrasting it with her puking on the ground by the end and her blaming it on what she sees as love. It's hard to explain but maybe you're getting my gist

#ARTPOOP

[Element]

Element
Platinum Hit 8 Discography

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Week 1. 2. 3. 4.

Song "Twilight" "Kneel" "Night Visions" "Roads (The Thesaurus Song)"

Genre Alternative Trap-Pop Pop-Rock Ballad Pop

Peak #2 #12 #2 TBA

Score 8.58 7.96 8.76 TBA

[Temporal]

Originally posted by Element

Element
Platinum Hit 8 Discography

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I keep losing my version of this Hopefully I can find it again

[Element]

Originally posted by ClarksonSlays

I keep losing my version of this Hopefully I can find it again

The "search for my posts" function wasn't working, so I just went to the most recent Platinum Chart post and then found it a few posts later on

[inuborg]

I'm dead @ me not catching my misuse of the word "bore" and getting scalped by every judge