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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Mess I got the time wrong, I thought 3pm EST was in 2 hours from now.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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I might post B1 comments but I'm yet to finish B2 n
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
Mess I got the time wrong, I thought 3pm EST was in 2 hours from now.
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Just post them now you tyrant
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
I might post B1 comments but I'm yet to finish B2 n
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YES, do it, nobody cares for batch 2, we have to celebrate the early birds.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
YES, do it, nobody cares for batch 2, we have to celebrate the early birds.
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I agree, just eliminate everyone in batch 2 while you're at it Sam
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Off with Batch 1's heads.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
I agree, just eliminate everyone in batch 2 while you're at it Sam
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I support this too. No mourning.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
I agree, just eliminate everyone in batch 2 while you're at it Sam
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I endorse it.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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buy art angels, now available on itunes!
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Sam's Comments
Batch 1
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01. keshaspearsxo – Bottle (Ecstasy)
Your imagery in this song was really fantastic. I like how you kept to the theme of the message in a bottle and other water related imagery throughout. The Pandora’s Box lyric felt a little out of place only because the other alternate lines all rhymed, but it wasn’t anything terrible. I wasn’t too sure about the wording of the “submerged” lyric either but I like the image it conveys. These are, however, minor criticisms and the general execution of your song was managed very well. The first part of the bridge was stunning. I think there are tweaks you could make but overall I think this is probably my favourite song of yours that you’ve submitted this season.
In regards to your emotion, I don’t think it was a perfect fit, but it was good enough. I’m not sure if you can live an entire life feeling ecstasy (I associate it with being an ‘in the moment’ emotion) but I did get nothing but happy/love vibes from this song, so it can fall under that umbrella.
02. inuborg – For A Little While (Depression)
I think you have a strong chorus, the title is used well and the repetitions aren’t too much. Your structure in the verses is actually pretty good with the 3/3/4 separations. It definitely feels like a song. One thing I think you could try to pay more attention to is the syllable count. What I mean by this is, you can do it however you want, but if you set it up one way, try to have some consistency with that. For example in the first verse, you have 8-6-7, which is fine, but it would be nice if the second part of the verse also followed this pattern, instead of 8-8-7. I expected that 8-6-7 to be replicated and thus the second line of the second stanza felt too wordy because it had two extra syllables. But that’s just a tip. I think the flow in your rap was pretty excellent. You did have a couple of forced rhymes, some to the extent of being grammatically incorrect (bore instead of bare). Overall, I think you did a great job.
As far as conveying depression, I think you also did a good job. I did get some elements of other conflicting emotions like anger and surface level sadness rather than deep depression but in general it was there, lyrics like “I can’t keep it together much longer” helped convey this strongly.
03. URBAN – Believe (Free Yourself) (Freedom)
I’ll be honest and say that I thought this was a pretty uninspired entry all around. It’s very difficult to write an empowerment anthem without it coming across as pandering and cheesy and unfortunately this isn’t the exception. There’s nothing unique or thought provoking about these lyrics, it all feels like it’s been done before. All I can really put it down to is that you’ve been concentrating on the wrong things. You’ve submitted some really great songs thus far in my opinion, but if you make it through to the next round I think you should focus less on the melody and trying to make a catchy simple song and focus on the lyricism a lot more. This was your least impressive entry for me.
However, it did convey freedom well. An empowerment anthem was a good fit for the freedom emotion and I can imagine the airy feel of the song and the choir section would accompany it quite well (even if it is a little trite), but the “na na na” parts are an example of unnecessary lyrics that don’t add anything.
04. ausdaniel – Quarantine (Jealousy)
This is probably my favourite song of yours this season. It’s a fully realised concept and you’ve executed it really well. I’m glad that you chose this central metaphor and used it throughout. There are some problematic moments; “And now you’re stuck that human that’s broken” doesn’t make sense, I’m not sure if you missed a word or something, and “back” felt unnecessary in the bridge. But overall you did a great job; I love your word choices like “luminescent”, “radiation”, and “antidote” as they all convey the theme of quarantine. It’s your most creative concept and your most competently executed.
You’ve also managed to keep to the theme of jealousy instead of favouring the quarantine metaphor and forgetting so much about the jealousy element. It was a really solid entry.
05. Dylobs – On My Own (Loneliness)
I like that you’re pushing yourself with your language choices and your structure is pretty good throughout too. The main thing I find myself asking is why in a song that’s trying to convey loneliness you chose to use the line “I’m not on my own” in the chorus, as that seems to be the opposite of the goal. The verses and bridge scream loneliness but the chorus has me scratching my head, that lyric in particular. Are you trying to convince yourself that you’re not alone when you actually are? It would be fitting in a song about overcoming adversity but I’m not sure that it works so well here.
For loneliness, you’ve done a pretty good job throughout the majority of the song. The verses and bridge are all great. The chorus… the first two lines are good, but the last two don’t meet in the mark. The hook segments I could take or leave. Overall you’ve done well.
06. conatus – Sorrysong (Guilt)
This is, all around, a great entry. I know you weren’t too sure on it but I actually like the title and I think it fits the song well. The metaphor of carrying the guilt on your back is a very strong visual interpretation of guilt, which I love. The way you’ve set up the inside rhymes in the chorus is fantastic, and I love the structure of the verses. The pre-chorus has that “catchy” element but it’s a necessary connection between the verse and chorus. My only complaint would be what you didn’t do… you literally burned the bridge. Honestly this is the kind of song that a really strong bridge would just elevate it to a whole new level. In saying that, I can’t judge what you don’t have, and so what you do have is still great.
It’s a perfect representation of guilt and I like that it doesn’t end in “yay we resolved our problems happy ever after bffz <3” because in real life it doesn’t always happen that way.
07. jpow – Resolution (Ecstasy)
First of all, thank you for the little note at the top, and not putting *breakdown* in the middle of your song, because unnecessary lyrics like that are, well, unnecessary. However, the same can be said about the usage of “oooooh”, “meeeeee” and baby spamming. If you’re going to use words like “baby”, use them sparingly and with purpose, not just to have a rhyme. I love the usage of “prophetic” and “kinetic” though, these little things are what can help elevate something from basic to unique when used correctly. I like the way you’ve gone about the rhyming in the bridge too, but the baby’s really are completely unnecessary here. I think you are showing improvement in your lyricism, which is definitely a positive, but I do think you still have a little way to go. In saying that, an upbeat sex bop probably isn’t the best opportunity to show off striking lyricism, instead you need to demonstrate clever structures and rhyming, which you have demonstrated in the bridge.
As for your emotion, it does scream ecstasy, so well done on that, you really did hit the nail on the head with this one. I do associate ecstasy with being an in-the-moment emotion, and what is more in-the-moment than hot sex?  Overall, you did a nice job.
08. Buyonce1814 – How I Feel (Betrayal)
While I think of it, don’t you know How I Feel about chains? Using them in your song at this stage is the ultimate betrayal.  I’m not going to take off any points for it but it really is SUCH an overdone/familiar word choice and it’s starting to show more and more as the weeks go on (and you used scars two lines later, another familiar word). Try to avoid familiar language if you can, or at least put a new spin on it (i.e. when Nick Jonas used, “Tried to break the chains, but the chains only break me”). That aside, I like your pre-chorus and I think your chorus is very powerful, which really helps convey your emotion well with the anger and hatred betrayal causes. Slay the use of quixotic in the second verse, though.  The second verse as a whole is actually a great natural progression (the inability to forget) and is infinitely better than the first verse. The bridge really is a punch.  Probably your finest piece of lyricism thus far. I don’t think the second bridge is necessary as the first one is so much better and it feels like it’s just there to include the word “betrayed”.
You’ve conveyed betrayal very well and the other feelings associated with being betrayed don’t detract from the main emotion, but compliment it. Very well done.
09. Vulnicura – Control (Depression)
This metaphor is really cute but also really sad. What I’m starting to notice and love about your writing is how you find inspiration in the most unique natural phenomena, it’s a creative element that nobody in this competition is demonstrating and I love that. Everything about this song is unique, and that transcends beyond your concept. You have a good structure in the verses, your rhyming and flow is on point but nothing feels familiar or simple. The way the subject questions life itself in the chorus is very indicative of depression and the first two lines of the bridge shine a new light on the “it gets better” saying from the POV of a person suffering depression. The lack of control really is a strong anchor and I think it was a good point to base your song around, too. I think you’ve been flying under the radar a bit so far (for reasons I personally can’t explain, I’ve liked all of your previous entries) and I hope this is finally your time to shine.
It really suits the emotion of depression and all I can say is that I hope it’s not written from experience.  Overall I think you’ve done a wonderful job.
10. Kunst – I Bet (Betrayal)
I actually read your song before the description as not to spoil it for me and I’m glad I did. The last verse (which I’m just going to call a bridge) was the perfect way to “reveal” that everything had been a projection of what the other person had done to the subject, it was a really creative way to express your message and a great way to use your title. I like the idea of sharpening the knife with trust. Honestly most of your points are going to come from the way you’ve gone about telling your story rather than unique lyrics themselves because I just love the way you’ve gone about expressing both sides of the story in a way but it’s not a duet or anything, it’s all from the one subject’s “mouth”.
I did get betrayal from your song but there were times when I felt like other conflicting emotions such as forgiveness and surface level sadness were more prominent and it didn’t touch on more powerful emotions such as rage or hatred which I think go strongly with betrayal. Overall it was a unique approach and it did work.
11. TheCheetahwings – Solidarity (Loneliness)
This is a pretty well structured song and I can tell that you’ve had an idea of where you wanted this song to go and you’ve executed it well. It doesn’t really push the envelope I feel, but it’s good for what it is. I think “condemned” would work better in the chorus than “confined”. I do like the lyric, “And it’s not voluntary / when I choose to be alone,” and if you incorporate more interesting two-liners like this I think you can really elevate your songs. The second part of the chorus didn’t feel necessary but I did like the change in pace in the structure, if there were more unique lyrics there rather than just reused lyrics from the first part of the chorus it could have helped the song progress, but it just prolonged the section. If you’re going to add more, make sure it’s helping the song progress, not just prolonging it. That’s just a tip. I thought the bridge was fantastic, really great imagery and lyricism there. That’s one of your strongest sections to date.
You did convey loneliness pretty well and I think there has to be an element of longing for more or not wanting to be lonely any more in there, which you have in the bridge, but it doesn’t detract from the general feeling and emotion of loneliness, it compliments it. Overall you did well.
12. UFO – Dancing With The Daffodils (Freedom)
I feel like you did a good job of conveying freedom without being over the top about it. You harnessed the essence of freedom rather than just outright proclaiming, “I’m free!!1” The image of dancing in a field of daffodils actually reminds me of the famous scene from The Sound of Music, which really is a great visual representation of freedom, I think. Some of your slant rhymes weren’t really slant but more so not really rhymes at all, but in saying that I do appreciate that you didn’t just try to rhyme “heaven” with “seven” or something. I think your meter in the chorus could be improved (I just find it difficult to follow the 8-11-8-11 etc. pattern you have), but in the pre-chorus and verses it’s actually really great.
I do think that you’ve conveyed freedom in a very natural way and I think that’s excellent and I enjoyed reading this song because I didn’t feel like you were trying too hard to make sure that you conveyed freedom, it felt rather effortless, so you’ve done a good job with that too.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Thank you Sam! Means a lot. 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
12. UFO – Dancing With The Daffodils (Freedom)
I feel like you did a good job of conveying freedom without being over the top about it. You harnessed the essence of freedom rather than just outright proclaiming, “I’m free!!1” The image of dancing in a field of daffodils actually reminds me of the famous scene from The Sound of Music, which really is a great visual representation of freedom, I think. Some of your slant rhymes weren’t really slant but more so not really rhymes at all, but in saying that I do appreciate that you didn’t just try to rhyme “heaven” with “seven” or something. I think your meter in the chorus could be improved (I just find it difficult to follow the 8-11-8-11 etc. pattern you have), but in the pre-chorus and verses it’s actually really great.
I do think that you’ve conveyed freedom in a very natural way and I think that’s excellent and I enjoyed reading this song because I didn’t feel like you were trying too hard to make sure that you conveyed freedom, it felt rather effortless, so you’ve done a good job with that too.
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Nnnnnn sorry about using chains and scars  . I'll keep that in mind for sure! Thank you for the review! Much appreciated. The 2nd verse was sooooooo hard to write but once I got going it felt like such a moment to me.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
Originally posted by UFO
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This is the gif I imagined when reading your entry. 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
keshaspearsxo – Bottle (Ecstasy)
Your imagery in this song was really fantastic. I like how you kept to the theme of the message in a bottle and other water related imagery throughout. The Pandora’s Box lyric felt a little out of place only because the other alternate lines all rhymed, but it wasn’t anything terrible. I wasn’t too sure about the wording of the “submerged” lyric either but I like the image it conveys. These are, however, minor criticisms and the general execution of your song was managed very well. The first part of the bridge was stunning. I think there are tweaks you could make but overall I think this is probably my favourite song of yours that you’ve submitted this season.
In regards to your emotion, I don’t think it was a perfect fit, but it was good enough. I’m not sure if you can live an entire life feeling ecstasy (I associate it with being an ‘in the moment’ emotion) but I did get nothing but happy/love vibes from this song, so it can fall under that umbrella.
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Thanks a whole bunch
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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All my comments have been super positive.  This entry has been my most personable one so I'm really glad it paid off. This entry was actually the easiest one to write because I had so much I wanted to convey in this entry. Thanks to Clarkson, Conatus and Buyonce for giving me feedback on my song!
 Control
v1
a ghost in my mind, you’re haunting me
feel your caress with your index
leave an imprint to show you’re here
a silent shout, an absent witness
keep your distance
i know you’re here
i know you’re here
pre c
creeping body
patient hunter
you know what i fear
it is always near
chorus
i want to know, do i have a soul?
is this my life, am i in control?
time frozen still, and i want to go
but this voice won’t leave me alone
v2
no matter where i hide, you’re beside me
the incarnation of my failure
leave a bloodstain to remind me
no point waiting for a savior
it’s human nature
just let me be
just let me be
pre c
creeping body
patient hunter
you know what i fear
it is always near
chorus
i want to know, do i have a soul?
is this my life, am i in control?
time frozen still, and i want to go
but this voice won’t leave me alone
bridge
dark clouds, stormy weather
they all say “it gets better”
tired of hoping, tired of waiting
tired of thinking someone’s gonna save me
a hedgehog’s dilemma
they all say “it gets better”...
chorus
i want to know, do i have a soul?
is this my life, am i in control?
time frozen still, and i want to go
but this voice won’t leave me alone
Comments
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General: The whole atmosphere of this song was really chilling and intense, which I liked about it! I also liked some of your word choices, such as "index" - it has a sense of belonging there, even though it's not so commonly used. It's simple on the surface, which I also liked about this song, and overall, I think you did a very solid job!
Does it fit the challenge: The whole thing felt so gloom and doom...perfect! Like tbh now I'm depressed from reading it thanks.
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I was worried you’d lost it in the second line with “feel your caress with your index”. The whole line is awkward and doesn’t make a lot of sense. Fortunately, the rest of the song was flawless. The prechorus especially was brilliant. There were some beautiful lines such as “a silent shout, an absent witness” and “tired of thinking someone’s gonna save me/a hedgehog’s dilemma/they all say ‘it gets better’”. This fit depression perfectly.
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"Feel your caress with your index," amazing line, clever. The entire song was just perfect for me. I love your rhyming scheme, the structure to it, it just sort of clicks on your head. I can hear this as a song. You chose an interesting form of depression.. loss of control is probably the earliest onset of depression and it can be tricky to write. But this went above my expectations, one of my favorites of the night, and just a really good song.
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Quote:
This metaphor is really cute but also really sad. What I’m starting to notice and love about your writing is how you find inspiration in the most unique natural phenomena, it’s a creative element that nobody in this competition is demonstrating and I love that. Everything about this song is unique, and that transcends beyond your concept. You have a good structure in the verses, your rhyming and flow is on point but nothing feels familiar or simple. The way the subject questions life itself in the chorus is very indicative of depression and the first two lines of the bridge shine a new light on the “it gets better” saying from the POV of a person suffering depression. The lack of control really is a strong anchor and I think it was a good point to base your song around, too. I think you’ve been flying under the radar a bit so far (for reasons I personally can’t explain, I’ve liked all of your previous entries) and I hope this is finally your time to shine.
It really suits the emotion of depression and all I can say is that I hope it’s not written from experience. Overall I think you’ve done a wonderful job.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Thank you Sam! I'll be careful about my use of "Baby" in the future, definitely I am happy that although my entries might not be the strongest overall, that they all seem to fit the criteria for the challenges well.
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07. jpow – Resolution (Ecstasy)
First of all, thank you for the little note at the top, and not putting *breakdown* in the middle of your song, because unnecessary lyrics like that are, well, unnecessary. However, the same can be said about the usage of “oooooh”, “meeeeee” and baby spamming. If you’re going to use words like “baby”, use them sparingly and with purpose, not just to have a rhyme. I love the usage of “prophetic” and “kinetic” though, these little things are what can help elevate something from basic to unique when used correctly. I like the way you’ve gone about the rhyming in the bridge too, but the baby’s really are completely unnecessary here. I think you are showing improvement in your lyricism, which is definitely a positive, but I do think you still have a little way to go. In saying that, an upbeat sex bop probably isn’t the best opportunity to show off striking lyricism, instead you need to demonstrate clever structures and rhyming, which you have demonstrated in the bridge.
As for your emotion, it does scream ecstasy, so well done on that, you really did hit the nail on the head with this one. I do associate ecstasy with being an in-the-moment emotion, and what is more in-the-moment than hot sex? Overall, you did a nice job.
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RESOLUTION
(read as a house song with a break down after the chorus)
Verse 1
I’m laying here, rolling
My skin feeling holy
My body is knowing
So prophetic
Your touch on my body
Our hands going crazy
Just me and you, baby
We’re kinetic
Chorus
You bring me excitement
Through the plateaus, you know
You make me orgasmic
This resolution, ooooooooooh
Verse 2
I can’t stop off this train
Your body on my brain
This rush is so insane
So electric
Feeling your lips on mine
Worshipping like a shrine
This ****ing feels divine
It’s magnetic
Chorus
Bridge
So prophetic, it’s magnetic
We’re kinetic, yes baby
This excitement, so orgasmic
Your enticement, oh baby
Your motion, our devotion
This emotion, come on baby
My ecstasy, these memories
Our fantasy, give it to meeeeeeeeeeee
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Huga was the only one who disliked my song and GotSkill & Meowster stanned for it. 
Now for Sam & Lovesong's thoughts.
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