ANNOUNCER
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE POP SUPERSTAR
ARIANA GRANDE AND *long pause* AAHHHHHH... RAPPER SEAN
*We Belong Together plays in the background*
Ariana
We are honoured to be here tonight to give this very special award to a record that truly stood out and resonated with fans and critics alike.
Big Sean
Word.
Ariana
And before I leave this venue empty-handed despite getting 67,000 top 10 hits in the last 20 days, I am here with my new boyfriend to present the Record Of The Year category
Big Sean
My album is coming out soon!
Ariana
The "Record Of The Year" category is not only one of the most competitive, but also one of the most diverse categories. Apparently, I'm not good enough for it, so I'll settle with my Nickelodeon Toddler Awards like a Demi Lovato sized celebrity.
Big Sean
Yo, chill
Ariana
Whatever. *fake smile* This year, the nominated songs are all unique and versatile. We have an r & b anthem...
Big Sean
a rock song...
Ariana
a rap classic...
Big Sean
*cackles*
Ariana
a folk masterpiece...
Big Sean
Buy FourFiveSeconds on iTunes
Ariana
and a white wig with no skull
Big Sean
or occasionally a paper bag, y'all know how it goes
Ariana
With no further ado, let's take a look at this year's nominees with extra commentary from your favorite celebrities!
Big Sean
Wasn't that my line though?
Ariana
Yeah... So?
ANNOUNCER
“Ain't It Fun” by Paramore 
Madonna
Paramore is a very talented girl and her song is very fun and hip. I think her hair color is very modern and unapologetic and the gospel influences of the song remind me of my iconic hit "Like a Prayer" which topped the 1773 year-end Billboard chart, despite limited promo, no iTunes banners and a revolution being underway. #RebelHeart
“Chandelier” by Sia
Britney Spears
Sia is an incredibly talented person. She wrote my latest single Fragrance and she sings a couple of lines on my album, but I hope you didn't notice. I thought it was amazing how a 9-year old girl can be so skilled, but then I met her at some random meet and greet and it turns out she's like 40, which is fun and cool!
“Drunk In Love” by Beyoncé ft. Jay Z
Sam Smith
I am such a fan of Queen Bey. I owe my whole life to her, as well as Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Adele, Madonna and every other person who holds a microphone and has a vagina. #Goals. This song is very bittersweet to me cause I performed it live in the shower with my ex boyfriend. We're no longer together and I'll never get my virginity back, but it's all good *runs to the backstage area to cry listening to a Lionel Richie playlist and braid his chest hair*
“Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX
Azealia Banks
First of all, how you gon' give me no awards and have me all up in here talking about Igloo? Secondly, this bitch tryna act all hood doesn't do it for me, I'm gonna need her to choke on that fake accent real quick. Cultural appropriation is just as cute as her face. I have no hard feelings for the British girl, even though she's white.
“Take Me to Church” Hozier
Katy Perry
Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke. Whatever, I'll be at the Superbowl tomorrow with sharks, lion and hasbeens from the 90's. Tune in!
ANNOUNCER
Let's go back to Ariana Grande and the rapper for the announcement!
Ariana
And the winner is...
