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Discussion: The Jokes Thread
Member Since: 5/1/2007
Posts: 15,659
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Just post funny jokes and comedic things... like
How do u wake up Lady Gaga? You poke her face
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Member Since: 10/5/2008
Posts: 2,938
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How to make GaGa happy?
Just Dance. 
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Member Since: 8/27/2006
Posts: 4,802
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Here's some funny long jokes:
1:
Quote:
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry sir,but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook, Mary happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and Leaves.Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”"I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get
you a dirty fork.”
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great,I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner saw him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t
know that Mary worked here?”
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2:
Quote:
A Filipino is having breakfast in a hotel in France one morning. He was
eating bread and jam when an American while
chewing his gum, sits down next to him. The Pinoy ignores the American who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation:
American: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread??"
Filipino: (Little irritated): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't. In America, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them in to croissants and sell them to the Philippines." The American has a
smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence. Still the American
persists.
American: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Filipino: "Of course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chucling). "We don't. In
America, we eat fresh fruits for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to the Philippines."
The Filipino (irritated) asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do!".
Filipino (now smirking): "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
American: (a bit puzzled): "We throw them away, of course."
Filipino: "We don't. In my beloved Philippines, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to America...
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3:
Quote:
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
'SUPPLIES!!'
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4.
Quote:
So three women die at the same time and go to Heaven. Once they get there Saint Peter comes up and says "Welcome! We only have one rule here... DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!"
The women looked at each other confused and agree to not step on any ducks.
Sure enough, when they walk through the gates there are ducks everywhere. There is practically no room to walk.
Within minutes on women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up with the ugliest man the women had ever see and handcuffs them together. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be stuck with this man for all eternity."
The other two women go through the day without much problem... but the next day one of them stepped on a duck. Saint Peter walked up with an equally ugly man, says the same thing, and handcuffs them together.
Now, the last women, seeing all of this, is VERY careful and manages to go for years without stepping on a single duck. One day Saint Peter walks up to her with the most handsome man she had ever seen and handcuffs them together without a word.
The women looked at the man and asked "WOW! I wonder what I did to deserve to be with you for all eternity?"
The man looked at her and said "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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5.
Quote:
if a farmer grows a field of vibrators what would be his problem ?
Squatters
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Member Since: 7/28/2007
Posts: 10,691
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Quote:
Originally posted by Raguabros
Just post funny jokes and comedic things... like
How do u wake up Lady Gaga? You poke her face
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This would be better if the answer is..
YOU **** HER FACE 
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Member Since: 10/5/2008
Posts: 2,938
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#2 is hilarious. 
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Member Since: 3/2/2008
Posts: 14,823
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#1-4 
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Member Since: 7/28/2007
Posts: 10,691
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Quote:
Originally posted by ChildofSilence
Here's some funny long jokes:
1:
Quote:
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry sir,but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook, Mary happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and Leaves.Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”"I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get
you a dirty fork.”
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great,I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner saw him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t
know that Mary worked here?”
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2:
Quote:
A Filipino is having breakfast in a hotel in France one morning. He was
eating bread and jam when an American while
chewing his gum, sits down next to him. The Pinoy ignores the American who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation:
American: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread??"
Filipino: (Little irritated): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't. In America, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them in to croissants and sell them to the Philippines." The American has a
smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence. Still the American
persists.
American: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Filipino: "Of course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chucling). "We don't. In
America, we eat fresh fruits for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to the Philippines."
The Filipino (irritated) asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do!".
Filipino (now smirking): "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
American: (a bit puzzled): "We throw them away, of course."
Filipino: "We don't. In my beloved Philippines, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to America...
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3:
Quote:
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
'SUPPLIES!!'
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4.
Quote:
So three women die at the same time and go to Heaven. Once they get there Saint Peter comes up and says "Welcome! We only have one rule here... DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!"
The women look at each other confused and agree to not step on any ducks.
Sure enough, when they walk through the gates there are ducks everywhere. There is practically no room to walk.
Within minutes on women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up with the ugliest man the women had ever see and handcuffs them togeter. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be stuck with this man for all eternity."
The other two women go through the day without much problem... but the next day one of them stepped on a duck. Saint Peter walked up with an equally ugly man, says the same thing, and handcuffs them together.
Now, the last women, seeing all of this, is VERY carful and manages to go for years without steping on a single duck. One day Saint Peter walks up to her with the most hansome man she had ever seen and handcuffs them together without a word.
The women looked at the man and asked "WOW! I wonder what I did to deserve to be with you for all eternity?"
The man looked at her and said "I don't know about you, but I steped on a duck."
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1. OMFG I laughed my ass out with this one, so... the blind man and Mary had met before :fonso;
2. That Filipino is the ****! 
3. I didn't get this one at first, but after reading it a few times I realized that the joke was the accent of the chinnese guy, SURPRISE = SUPLIES
4. She must have been a VERY UGLY WOMAN 
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Member Since: 2/22/2008
Posts: 46,108
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hilary & Rock
This would be better if the answer is..
YOU **** HER FACE |
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Member Since: 2/22/2008
Posts: 46,108
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Member Since: 3/2/2008
Posts: 14,823
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Quote:
Originally posted by KarlosVzla
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There once was a chick, I raise one leg, lift the other and fell
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Member Since: 7/28/2007
Posts: 10,691
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^ SOOOO NOT FUNNY
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Member Since: 2/22/2008
Posts: 46,108
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Quote:
Originally posted by tcatron565
There once was a chick, I raise one leg, lift the other and fell
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That was my joke  but i used a chicken instead of a girl 
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Member Since: 6/30/2007
Posts: 18,079
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LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO at the Filipino joke. Go Pinoy
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Member Since: 5/21/2009
Posts: 4,800
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Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Yo dick.
Yo dick who?
Yo dick in yo azz!
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Member Since: 2/22/2008
Posts: 46,108
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^
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/11/2007
Posts: 63,796
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LOL at the thread
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Member Since: 8/27/2006
Posts: 4,802
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Another set of Filipino jokes
1:
Quote:
A Filipino went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Filipino sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Filipino crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, “Wat da hell is dat por?”
Spielberg ranted: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!”
“Tanga! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!” exclaimed the Filipino.
The inebriated director replied, “Yeah yeah yeah ….Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino …you are all the same.”
Regaining his composure, the Filipino dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Filipino stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room.
“What was that for?!!” shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.
“Dat’s por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!” the Filipino answered back.
“You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!” exclaimed the director.
“Yah yah yah…Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg… you are all the same.”
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2:
Quote:
There were 3 Filipino girls, and they were the ugliest Filipino girls ever! They finally got so tired of being ugly that they finally decided to go to the doctor for help. The doctor looks at them and says, “Well, this is a tough one, but this is what you have to do; jump into a river and say the name of someone you think is beautiful and you will look exactly like that person.”
So the first one goes and says “Britney Spears” and when she gets out of the water she looked just like Britney Spears.
Then the second one went and she said “Alyssa Milano” and became Alyssa Milano.
Then came the third one… When she jumped into the river (being so terrified of swimming) said “AY TA-E!” (Translation: ****)
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Member Since: 6/30/2007
Posts: 18,079
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Filipinos
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Member Since: 7/28/2007
Posts: 10,691
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^
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Member Since: 10/5/2008
Posts: 2,938
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^
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