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Celeb News: King B's critically-acclaimed email
Member Since: 10/28/2009
Posts: 26,465
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King B's critically-acclaimed email
The Day Beyonce Emailed Us
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"Ugh, Beyonce stop emailing me," is something no one has ever said ever. This is what makes Thursday September 13, 2012 a very special day for us, the peasants who toil away tirelessly in the Carter-Knowles fiefdom. On this day, "B-Day" if you will, Queen B broke her all-encompassing digital communications-silence and emailed ALL of us. "I don't you usually email you... " the email, or 'BMail' as it shall now be known, begins. Well, no shiz, Bey! High time you hit us up! So as to savor each glorious, electronic sentence bestowed upon us, let us break down the Irreplaceable ones' note:
First off, despite certain delusions to the contrary, it's important here to temper this moment of pure elation and face some cold, hard facts: Specifically, unless you're name is Sean Carter, Tina Knowles, a freshly un-closetted Frank Ocean, Kelly Rowland on her birthday or the kid who sung "Countdown" in a snuggie, this is probably the first email you've ever received from Beyonce. If you're like me, up until this very morning you mostly communicated with her majesty through music videos, Tumblr, or nightly prayer at the foot of the makeshift alter to Beyonce you've secretly constructed in your bedroom closet. Therefore, receiving this email was/is probably the closest we collectively will ever get to achieving true nirvana and lives of purpose.
"I have an amazing invitation I have to share. Jay and I will be meeting up with President Obama for an evening in NYC sometime soon," the BMail continues. WOAH! First of all, a big thank you to Beyonce for acknowledging the fact that we, just like her, are on a casual nickname basis with our home slice Jay-Z and that a low-key meet-up with Prez Obama "sometime soon" at our favorite NYC hangout is so perfectly routine, we don't even need to set a date! "We'll just text you when were there," one imagines Bey told Barack when planning the rendezvous. But here's the real kicker: "... we want you to be there." Wait... Who? Me? Us? You want US to be there???? With you and J and B and M? OMG, IN THERE LIKE SWIMWEAR, B! You wanna meet up for a drinks beforehand? Our place or yours (yours please, ours is kinda dank)!?
But this is when things get dicey, and our new, profound personal email relationship with The Artist Formerly Known as Sasha Fierce gets complicated. She continues, "Until midnight tonight, if you pitch in $25 or whatever you can, you'll be automatically entered to be flown out to join us." WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE, B. I mean, love that we're emailing now, ADORE that you're including us in your NYC hang-times with the prez, and of course getting flown out to meet you and Jay-Snapz sounds like a revelation. But we don't wanna feel like we're BUYING your friendship. When did this totally pure, all-inclusive, unfettered budding pen-palship become a contest? Also, we need you to clarify some things. Me personally, I already live in New York so when you saw I'll be "flown" to hang with you, will you be sending the Roc Nation chopper to my roof where it will shuttle me to the Obama Soiree, no doubt being held on the top of a fluffy, ornately adorned stratus cloud hovering just above the Hudson River off Tribeca? Also sidebar, I don't have any cash on me so can I just hit you with the $25 when I see ya'll at the party?
"I've had the honor of meeting President Obama and the First Lady a few times -- and believe me -- it's an opportunity you don't want to miss." Here, Bey-Sauce refers to her relationship with the POTUS and FLOTUS a little more formally than she did earlier in our BMail. What happened to us all being just a big bunch of old buddies, trying to link up for some funsies in the Big Apple!? Saying she's only met the First Couple "a few times" also betrays the treasured image I have in my head of Jay, Bey, Barry and Michy kickin' it regularly at the White House, smoking a bean out of a gold-leaf blunt, having a giggle-fit while watching "My Cat From Hell" on Animal Planet and ordering wings on Seamless Web.
I don't like to read too deeply into emails from my closest friends, but knowing her like I do (I don't know her at all), this is probably just a clever rouse on the part of BeyBootylicous to try and trick us plebeians into thinking she's just awe-struck by the president as we are.
But you know what? Cool beans, Bey-Rocka. You emailed us! You put our love on top (FINALLY!)! The truth is, we don't care if you're asking us to drink puppy blood. We're super down cuz we're friends now! Who email! Also, cool to see that you're even familiar with the term "25 Dollars!" "Don't worry about the airfare and hotel, it's taken care of. And you can bring a guest," the message continues. Obviously, this is a tad disappointing as we had all hoped B would invite us, our "guests" and the Obamas to stay over at the Carter Crib for one of her famous sleeping bag slumber parties, but a hotel sounds like good plan B (see, friends make each other laugh!). And I love that, as an award winning writer, you'll start a sentence with "And" if you damn well please!
"... the countdown is on -- the opportunity ends at midnight," reads the last sentence of the last email that we'll ever receive from our friend Beyonce, who we learn here likes to subtly reference her own songs in emails. "Can't wait to meet you! Love, B." Can't wait to meet you either, BBMACK! So, given the pressure of the "countdown" being on and whatnot, the brevity of the whole affair is likely for the best. B-Day has been a lot for us. Let us all take a little "Me, Myself and I" time (two can play this game) to reflect on the whole experience, think about what we're gonna say in our "reply-all" to Bey and get our stuff packed for New York. See everyone at the party!!!
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[ HuffPost]
Dear Beyoncé, Thank You for Inviting Me to Dinner
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I always do my best not to brag about celebrity encounters because, frankly, it comes off as a little gauche. Believe me — I would love to talk up the time that I saw George Wendt coming out of TJ Maxx or the other time I stood in line behind Andrew from Buffy to buy a smoothie, but I don't. It's rude to make other people feel jealous, but today is a little bit of an exception because something happened to me this morning that's too crazy to keep to myself.
I got a personal email from Beyoncé.
Right now, you're probably saying stuff like "whaaaat" and "yeah, right," but it's true. I got an email from Beyonce and — this even crazier — she was inviting me to have dinner with her, Jay-Z and the President of the United States of America. Adoyoyoy, my mind is blown.
Here's the email:
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Friend (Author's note: I can't believe she knows that I like to be called friend)–
I usually don't email you — but I have an amazing invitation I have to share.
Jay and I will be meeting up with President Obama for an evening in NYC sometime soon. And we want you to be there!
Until midnight tonight, if you pitch in $25 or whatever you can, you'll be automatically entered to be flown out to join us.
I've had the honor of meeting President Obama and the First Lady a few times — and believe me — it's an opportunity you don't want to miss.
Don't worry about the airfare and hotel, it's taken care of. And you can bring a guest.
But the countdown is on — this opportunity ends at midnight:
https://donate.barackobama.com/Meet-Me-in-New-York
Can't wait to meet you!
Love,
B
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately, my reply saying that I would def be there kept bouncing back and now, as obnoxious as it is, I have to reach out to her here.
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Dear B (I'm so glad that we're at the level where I can call you "B"),
Thanks so much for the invitation. To be honest, I've been worrying about how you haven't invited me over once in the four years since you and Jay got married. I understand the excitement of being newlyweds, but that's no excuse to forget your friends (or me, Friend, specifically). But never mind all that. You're inviting me now and I guess that's what matters.
No doy, I'd love to come to your party. I've never met the President or First Lady before and you know how I like to meet new people. I assume that you'll seat me in between the two of them so that I can hear everything that they say to one another and feel like a member of the family. I've always wanted to feel like I was is the First Family. Remember that Mandy Moore movie Chasing Liberty? Hahaha, that was the best. I would also be okay sitting between you and Jay, but only if you call me Blue Ivy instead of Madeleine and treat me like a baby — I know I haven't gotten to interact much with your child (call me to babysit!), but I feel safe in assuming that I can be a better more entertaining daughter. It wouldn't have to be forever, just for the evening. It would make feel so much more comfortable and I know you want your guests to feel comfortable.
Speaking of which, thanks for agreeing to put me up in a hotel, but I really think it would be easier if I stayed at your house. Don't worry. It would be no trouble for me and I would really love to spend more time with you. Where does Blue Ivy sleep? I could probably just sleep where she sleeps. Or I could just sleep on the floor next to your bed. I'm a grateful guest, too — I will monitor your breathing all night and make sure that you guys stay safe. Safe as mice. (Is "safe as mice" a thing? I don't know — LOL!)
I noticed you said something about a donation? Cash is really tight right now, all tied up in some bonds and stocks and definitely in the jar of change that I hide in under my bathroom sink. Hopefully, it will be okay if I skip that part. If you want I can bring a bottle of wine or a dish to pass, though — you know what — you probably have a whole concept that I don't want to mess up so maybe I won't bring anything. Cool? Cool.
Lastly is it okay if, instead of one friend I bring, like, 3-4 friends? Thanks, B! You're the Bey-est! (Like "best," but with Beyonce added.)
LOVE,
Friend
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[ Jezebel]
srsly, when will your fave?
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Member Since: 6/4/2010
Posts: 38,919
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Member Since: 12/31/2010
Posts: 26,257
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If I was offered by Beyonce to meet her, Jay-Z, and the god damn President, I would have no god damn nerve to ask if I could bring 3-4 friends when it says that you can bring A guest.  Ch.
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Member Since: 4/30/2009
Posts: 4,574
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Member Since: 4/2/2010
Posts: 17,951
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I love it when the Queen writes!
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Member Since: 10/28/2009
Posts: 26,465
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Originally posted by DvnR
If I was offered by Beyonce to meet her, Jay-Z, and the god damn President, I would have no god damn nerve to ask if I could bring 3-4 friends when it says that you can bring A guest. Ch. |
it's satirical. the e-mail bounces back since Beyoncé's e-mail is part of Obama's campaign 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/14/2010
Posts: 78,921
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Thanks for agreeing to put me up in a hotel, but I really think it would be easier if I stayed at your house. Don't worry. It would be no trouble for me and I would really love to spend more time with you. Where does Blue Ivy sleep? I could probably just sleep where she sleeps. Or I could just sleep on the floor next to your bed. I'm a grateful guest, too — I will monitor your breathing all night and make sure that you guys stay safe.
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Member Since: 12/31/2010
Posts: 26,257
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Originally posted by GeezusHaberdash
it's satirical. the e-mail bounces back since Beyoncé's e-mail is part of Obama's campaign |
Oh.  My ass went to the bottom of the post for some sort of summary of the long post and I saw that sentence and I was just like "bitch WHAT?"  Now I feel dumb.
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Member Since: 8/29/2012
Posts: 22,883
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She obviously didn't write that. Aren't you supposed to donate in order to enter the contest? 
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Member Since: 7/19/2009
Posts: 16,809
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I would freak out if I got an e-mail from Beyoncé. I always freak out when I get an e-mail from Beyonceonline.com
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Member Since: 10/13/2009
Posts: 3,382
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When I got the email yesterday I was so happy.
Then I saw I had to donate to even be entered into the contest 
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Member Since: 1/7/2012
Posts: 5,043
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I not even halfway through and I'm dying already
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First off, despite certain delusions to the contrary, it's important here to temper this moment of pure elation and face some cold, hard facts: Specifically, unless you're name is Sean Carter, Tina Knowles, a freshly un-closetted Frank Ocean, Kelly Rowland on her birthday or the kid who sung "Countdown" in a snuggie, this is probably the first email you've ever received from Beyonce
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nightly prayer at the foot of the makeshift alter to Beyonce you've secretly constructed in your bedroom closet
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How much can you stan for this woman, there's no ceiling to this 
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Member Since: 8/23/2010
Posts: 16,089
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Copy + paste to Beyhive.com. 
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Member Since: 8/22/2011
Posts: 3,888
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I got this email
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Member Since: 5/7/2009
Posts: 53,753
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Beyonce 
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Member Since: 4/21/2012
Posts: 8,147
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da King slaying lives with emails 
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Member Since: 11/6/2010
Posts: 8,184
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I just love it.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 59
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"Or I could just sleep on the floor next to your bed. I'm a grateful guest, too — I will monitor your breathing all night and make sure that you guys stay safe."
This is amazing.
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