**** this ****.

it's not fair. i was born without anything good about myself and then i cant even choose to stop living. i do humanity more harm than good. i am a terrible human being.

i am literally uncapable of having a human relationship. like, i can pretend, i can smile and laugh and make jokes but i dont actually know anything about how to be a human. i am 18 and i feel like i am 13, i am not meant to be part of this world as an adult.

nothing i have ever done in my life is substantial. everything i have done has been done before thousand of times and better. i am a completely mediocre human being. i wish i could just be like "**** socializing" and just dedicate my life to programming or something but i can't. i am not that clever. i am maybe slightly above average at intelligence, but all that helps me with is that i can get decent marks without learning too much. i am not intelligent enough to actually be a genius.

i am a virgin, and i will probably never lose it because i literally cannot ****ing be alive 10 minutes without doing something awkward, like making a bad joke or something. i can be generally friendly to people, but i do not and have never had actual friends, and before i even think of sex i need to firstly have a gf/bf, which just sounds plain impossible to me. i literally cannot imagine me ever being in such a relationship. in my entire life i have gotten on a single date that has went terribly. i was so scared of doing something wrong that i became so boring, like i said nothing for half of the date.

my only wish right now is to be in the netherlands to study compsci, and that may be ruined because some idiots voted for brexit, so the european union is probably over so i am stuck here in romania. of course, that's not the only reason, it's also my fault because i am really not capable of acually being good at anything, so i doubt i will pass the final exams.

I am probably bisexual. this would be fine, except romania is incredibly homophobic. you know what most of the people here on facebook said after the orlando shootings happened? "good, **** those ******s, they should've killed more of them." i hate this **** so much.

nothing i have ever written on ATRL has mattered. i was banned for 2 weeks, nobody even noticed. the thing i am most proud of for doing on ATRL is my year to date charts, which barely anyone checks out and i will no longer post since people said it blocks the page. i have put hours upon hours of work into it, but it doesnt even matter. plus, even here Ger-55 does those charts already and even more accurately (i am not hating on him or anything). Like always, nothing i do matters to anyone.

i'm not even attractive in a physical sense. i do not have any physical problems (such as acne, being fat etc.), my face is simply not attractive. it's just kind of childish and average. that's at best. at worst i look so terrible i just want to kill myself so that people dont have to see my ugly, ugly face.

i hate pain, i am afraid of dying. but i wish i could be dead. i no longer feel any pleasure about being alive. i am sick of having to live my mediocre life where i cannot even have human relationships. and i know it's 100% my fault.

i am honestly sorry for existing. even making this post is giving me more importance than i deserve. i am a complete nobody. and the worst part is that, like that sia album title says, some people have real problems. like, i am healthy, i dont have cancer or anything. so i dont feel justfied in even saying those things. i am not depressed, i am just an attention ***** and i should be ignored. **** this ****. **** everything.

you're not even 20. chill

lol like things will magically fix itself when i am 20.

blogs dont work on mobile

i wish i could give u a hug and let you know it gets better just hang in there, try to think of the positive things in your life, theres always things that could be worse. i do that when i have really bad days cause i struggle with depression. you're not alone ♥

magic isn't real, you gotta do it yourself.

Someone has just poured their heart out and you post this insensitive post

I know... age has nothing to do with this.

You sound like a lot of the people I know. You have to become comfortable around other people and then you will stop being so awkward and shy. Let me guess, you have trust issues as well? Never really got along with one (or both) of your parents?

Sometimes, I feel the same way, but there's gotta be something. With my limited knowledge and observation of the world, I can assume that we all have our happy and our not-so-happy times, so maybe the ratio is a little bad for you so far, but give it a chance!

And, btw, I absolutely LOVE how cynical your outlook is, but 99.999% of people lead the same mediocre life you describe for yourself, so that's something, right? To know that most of us are on the same boat

Don't feel like this man I'm sorry things are hard

I felt that way turning all the way to 20 and even a bit after, you slowly discover what your talents are. And start leveling yourself with everyone else and don't put yourself too up or too down. Just ride the wave of life. There's nowhere else to go so become the best version of yourself. I'm sure it'll be something great!

Costea sis you did this on the last forum you was on before you got permabanned and moved here. Why?

I honestly think these forums don't help. Gays can be so catty and rude, it can't possibly help your situation. I think perhaps some counselling could be the way forward to help with your self-esteem.

This will sound dumb, but you really have to love yourself before you can focus on anything else. Or at least make it a priority on your journey. Spoil yourself for a while and tell yourself you're worth it. Make some small goals and go for them. Work on improving your craft with the sources you can get. Do you work? If so, do you work in a job where you have to interact with a lot of people? I'm still very awkward myself but almost two years into my current job I've found that I'm a lot more social and speaking has become a lot more natural. I've been there. You can get through this.

You know, a lot of what you typed out are things many, many people get insecure about. I could ramble for like, pages on the points I relate to but that doesn't accomplish anything.

I too, am going through some stuff, and honestly? I can't say it has gotten better for me yet - 2016 has been a disaster of a year, and I've found myself thrust into unforeseen circumstances.

As for doing substantial things...that's relative? What you do in day to day life may not be substantial to all of humanity (like most people), but it may be substantial to the people around yu. It may even be susbstantial to you down the line!

As for being ignored on ATRL/ the internet..well, I'd say that's one thing you should acknowledge about the internet, and accept it as it is...there are many story tellers, and very few listeners, you know? Even rarer is someone who is both. So you don't need to be acknowledged by either, I agree it will feel nice, but is, and always will be, unneeded.

But I also cannot deny that for the part of me that says "You don't know if it will get better" there's a part behind, gently whispering "You don't know it won't either". Which part will you listen to? Both. Acknowledge them both, but strive for validating the latter down the line...it's very easy to validate the self destructive one.

Dying wouldn't resolve any problems. Let's break it down.

"i am literally uncapable of having a human relationship. like, i can pretend, i can smile and laugh and make jokes but i dont actually know anything about how to be a human. i am 18 and i feel like i am 13, i am not meant to be part of this world as an adult."

If you can pretend, smile, laugh and make jokes, you know how to be human. Living in society is all about pretending anyway, do you really CARE about being polite to people you don't know, not really, you do it because you want to be well seen, it's all about how things look, nobody cares about how they really are. Pretending is key and you can do it Every 18 is scared about entering adult life. I was too. The truth is you'll be a baby well into your 20 if you don't leave your parent house, have a job,... Everything will go smoothly.

About sex, you're not the only 18 being a virgin. First of all having sex isn't mandatory. Second of all, being awkward on dates is not something unheard of, it's quite common. There's tons of ways to get laid, if that's what you want.

About your studies, if you have that defeated mentality you won't succeed. Give yourself a chance. If you're studying what you really like, put in the hours and you'll pass your final exam. It's that simple, if you study you'll succeed.

The EU most likely won't end after the Brexit, if somehow it does it won't be overnight, you said you're 18 ? You'll be more likely than not fine.

Romania is homophobic. Deal with it, you won't be able to change it, you won't find a solution if you focus on the problem, learn to live with it. I know this isn't fair, but the world isn't perfect.

ATRL shouldn't matter this much, period.

Being physically attractive is possible for everyone. "All" it takes is discipline, good diet, exercising. You may have a "common" looking face, you may not have GREAT features, blue eyes, beautiful hair or whatever. The moment you have abs, good pecs, big arms, muscular legs, muscular ass, you're great looking, and this is achievable for everyone.

sending you love