Quickest career destruction ever?
When James first made a splash on The X Factor, all Diedre Barlow glasses and dubstep drops, he bought with him one heck of a sob story: when he was a teenager he slept rough, stealing food from supermarkets just to survive. Top that, Chloe Mafia! Stick that through the till, Tesco Mary!
Only, uh, he didn’t sleep rough. He wasn’t ever actually homeless. That was a bit of a porky pie. “There was probably one occasion where he fell out and he stayed on a friend’s sofa,” his mum told the Evening Gazette. “How many parents of teenagers haven’t been through that?”
You cried on TV about sleeping on a sofa once, James? Really?
And so to January, when the
first of many heavy-eyebrowed girls came forward to say that James Arthur had had full, semi-sleazy sex with them on his sofa. While wearing socks. And pausing halfway through to watch Rylan win Big Brother. “He kept his grey socks and sweater on during the whole thing, which I thought was odd,” said 18-year-old fan Danielle Withey. Bit odd, Danielle, yes. Just a bit.
17-year-old Ayesha Gillespie was just a girl with a dream and a Twitter account when, in September, James started messaging her. “I was running around the house screaming and showing my phone to my mum and older sister,” she told the Mirror. “My mum thought that it was hilarious and my sister was dead jealous.” Or she was, until James upped the charm levels.
“He asked me where I was from and what I was up to,” she added. “I told him I was lying in the sun, relaxing.
He then sent: ‘#showyourboobstojamesarthur’. It was a bit of a shock but I laughed it off to begin with.” But then he upped the charm even more. The kind of charm that can melt cheese. The kind of charm that can make dogs run away. “He said, ‘
I don’t give my number out to everyone you know. Make it worth my while’.” Anyway long story short: she blocked him on Twitter, she did not #showherboobstojamesarthur, James’ broadband connection presumably took a hammering that day.
And then for no reason whatsoever we find James hitting Twitter to decry every single boyband in the world. Apart from JLS. JLS are top lads, with top tunes, and top backflips. “
And f**k boybands!” he said, a propos of nothing. “Apart from JLS who are the coolest people I’ve met in music.” Quite a few boybands took exception to this, including Rough Copy, Union J and One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson.
“Bring on the hate I don’t want to be popular,” said popularity contest-winning mainstream popstar James Arthur.
Teenage fan Ellie Shepherdson was like the fourth person to come forward and say yes, she had some sex with James Arthur, and yes, he kept his socks and top on throughout, just about yanking down enough of his jogging bottoms to get the job done. And then when he’d done all that,
he went upstairs to eat a pizza (Meat Feast) (Domino’s) (Large, w/ garlic dip) while she performed ‘a sex act’ on him. “He was like, ‘Just do it’,” she said. “He was watching the match. I did it because I thought if I didn’t, he wouldn’t like me. So, being stupid, I did.” #showyourboobstojamesarthur #fellatejamesarthurwhilehewatchesthefootball
Remember when James Arthur went on Radio 1Xtra’s Fire In The Hole? And he rapped about Rita Ora and Iggy Azalea’s crazy area? And then actual rapper Micky Worthless said it wasn’t very good? And then James got all of his two million Twitter followers to turn on him and call him a ‘melt’? That was good, wasn’t it? That was really funny.
Until James responded with a rap diss with a five-minute recording of his own, three minutes of which were basically just him saying “queer” a lot. Later, when his management did the equivalent of making him stand up in assembly and mumble ‘sorry’ to the whole school, he claimed his comments were ‘taken out of context’ and that
‘some of his best mates are gay’. Textbook.
That time he made Children In Need about him. James actually was a child in need, though, yeah? So, like, he’s giving something back, yeah? He slept on a sofa once, yeah. Original artist. Mandatory co-writers. #REAL #LOVE #SHOWYOURBOOBSTOJAMESARTHUR
That time he failed to leave Twitter. James announced earlier this week that he was going to leave Twitter forever and for keeps and never come back because you lot don’t respect him as an artist and keep calling him a homopho– oh, no, he’s just popped his head back in again to say something else. And he put HQ on the end as though anyone on earth would fall for that. This facility has enjoyed [ZERO] days without James Arthur secretly tweeting despite not saying he would tweet.
Today, we all woke up to the news that
James’ mobile phone – previously used to ask girls to send him boobs, to call Louis Tomlinson a ‘bitch’, to order up extra-large Meat Feast pizzas – had gotten him in trouble again, using the term ‘gay rights activist’ as an insult aimed at, er, gay rights activist Lucy Spraggan. He then dissed the poor intern who’s manning his Twitter feed for getting his deep, meaningful lyrics wrong, and then presumably stropped off for an absolutely first thing in the morning meeting with his management, where they wrote ‘STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG’ on a whiteboard and just pointed at it silently and furiously for two straight hours. Well done, James. You’ve gone full Brookstein.